Another, my wife has fallen out of live with me thread

[Troublebrewing1]

Ok, strap in and I’ll try to be concise
ive been with my wife for 20 years, married for 10. Two amazing, funny, adventurous kids, one at school and one at nursery.
2 years ago my wife hit me with the bombshell that she is no longer in love with me and feels more like a friend/brother style relationship.
devastated to say the least.
we have an amazing life, we travel, have adventures and do stuff as a family all the time.
I have been working so hard for the last two years to be there for her, support her and give her a rich and fulfilling life but… she still says she is deeply unhappy and has lost who she is but still enjoys our life together and the things we do as a family, albeit without the need for any intimacy.
this is breaking me and I am feeling like I am losing who I am. I am no longer motivated to follow my passions and put all my energy into creating adventures for the kids and the family.
we still go away every holiday travelling, go away in the van together most weekends, go out to dinner etc etc
we have just moved house and I hoped that diving into a project together again would be a positive step but she is still so cold (she occasionally lets her guard down and life is brilliant but then it seems she remembers to be cold and distant and snaps back into that mode)

i love her and our family unit and life, so much but I’m at the end of my tether.

I feel like I should move out and let her have it all, put my energy into the kids and myself and start again but I can’t because I want to grow old with this woman and nobody else!

ahh well, I guess I’m just venting and nobody can offer me a magic wand.

I wish I could flick a switch and have her smiling, silly, joyful self back and life would be perfect but more than anything, I just want to snuggle up next to her at night again, instead of lying like pencils on opposite sides of the bed!

When she told you she was no longer in love with you, what was her plan?

Did she say what was missing to have made her feel like that? Its very easy to feel you've lost yourself as a mother…and if your partner doesn’t understand why then its impossible ime to turn it back around…its part of what ended my marriage. We still did a lot as a family, but as regards OUR relationship I felt taken for granted and invisible.
what do you to to make her feel valued by and attractive to you?

She didn’t have a plan and still doesn’t.
she still says, she loves her life and family but just doesn’t have feelings for me.

we still do everything together but we don’t date or spend one on one time together.
partly because it’s difficult with babysitters etc, as neither of us have family around.

I would love to start courting her again and focus on us two for a change

The advice any woman here would get would be to leave or at least end it and broadly I'd say the same.

I'll be completely blunt - she enjoys the lifestyle you two have together, that's why she's still there but what happens when the kids reach say 18/moving out age? Unless something drastic changes in her mind then she'll simply walk away.

Couldn't there be another man in the picture? There's nothing obvious in what you've said but worth considering. If she feels like she's said, is there a chance she'd start looking for one? Doesn't feel outside the realms of possibility...

Either way, I hope it works out but ultimately you may be flogging a dead horse and you have to decide if you want to spend what time you have on this planet married to someone who has told you she doesn't love you and is checked out of your marriage. Rose tinted specs as to what you used to have won't help, your reality of your marriage is how things have been for the past two years.

I support her every-way I can, cook, clean, run the kids around. Try and let her have lie ins, time to do her thing etc
i show appreciation for everything she does!
I compliment her but she doesn’t like it.

any advice on how I can really show her that she means the world to me, would be very much appreciated

Have you ruled out an affair op?

I have asked her if there is/has been anyone else and she categorically says no, “even if she wanted to, how could she find time to meet someone else”

This sounds very hard for you OP. Unfortunately though, l'm afraid that once passion and desire has gone it's very hard to get it back. Your wife has told you how she feels and you may have to accept that she means it. Has she shared with you if she knows why she feels this way, and if she sees any hope of anything changing? And crucially, does she even want it to?

Have you yourself actually verified there is no affair?
Everyone has time. Because I’m not in love with you anymore is often code for I’ve met someone else.

I’m still at a stage where i want to trust her, so I take her word for it and don’t want to start prying to try and find out if there’s anyone else, plus I wouldn’t know where to start!

she has said that she is, sort of, happy with how things are and she doesn’t want to regain intimacy with me

i just can’t help the feeling that, that is all we are missing and if we can get it back, life will be sweet.
from the outside we are a perfect family that others are inspired by… it just seems crazy

Bit of a weak excuse ... No mention of she wouldn't want to/like to.

I know that's reading a lot into it but generally you can tell what people mean by what they omit as much as by what they say.

If you do so much around the house what’s with the comment about where would she find the time?

I do feel for you so apologies in advance for this but the way you talk it’s all about this utter desperation for her to be your person and to return your feelings. You seem to think if you work hard enough, do enough, give enough she will fall back in love with you.

Instead she most likely feels a horrible combination of guilt and aversion to you. The more you cling and do nice stuff the bigger the guilt …because she does not love or desire you romantically any longer. But you are her husband and father to her children and your desperation added to the pressure many people feel not to ‘break up’ the family is a huge amount to cope with.

Of course she says she likes family life - it’s great to have an engaged coparent and most people want their kids to grow up on a two parent home. But she doesn’t love you, she doesn’t want you, she isn’t there and isn’t going to be.

With the best will in the world at this stage you really should accept how she feels. If you really love her stop trapping her in a cage of guilt and obligation. Let her go, coparent effectively with her but not as a married couple. You can still have a good coparenting relationship.

you deserve to be with someone who loves you and she also deserves to have her feelings respected. It must be torture for you both - your constant pleading, her constant guilt. It’s not healthy. Let her go.

We go from an air of distance and coldness to her taking about how we should get work done on the house, or what we are going to do for the summer and planning the veg growing for the year. We just got back from a trip visiting family and she has said, we should plan to visit that area every few months, as we had a blast.
mum so confused all the time

She has no sexual desire for you. Quite likely she’s at least had her head turned, but even if not once it’s gone it’s gone, especially for this long. Things would not be ok if she just had sex with you - it repels her. Sorry but do you have any idea how it feels to be pressured for sex (even just the knowledge of the constant wanting) from someone you have no desire for any longer?

She’s told you loud and clear and consistently she does not want to have sex with you again nor is she romantically in love with you. So why would you even consider it could be a possibility in the future? Because you refuse to accept the truth. No one here can give you advice that will make your wife want you desire you and love you. It’s over in that sense. Sorry but that’s the truth. You should accept it.

Ok, my last post on this but trying to give a bit of male solidarity. Reading this it's simply confirmed what I said upthread, she enjoys the lifestyle, not the marriage.

You've basically just spelled that out here - it's the house, the holidays etc she enjoys about her life and I'd venture OP that she wouldn't have that same lifestyle on one income? There's not much to be confused about to be brutally honest.. it's whether you want to see it or not.

You’re being very naive op, both emotionally and financially. It was extremely naive to buy a house in these circumstances.

She has either met someone else, or is checked out. You are now simply housemates. Receiving compliments from someone you’re not attracted to is quite unpleasant so it’s best you stop that.

I know it’s horrible but your marriage is over. Living in denial about that is just pushing it further down the road.

Sounds like she got the ick, stopped seeing you as someone she wants to be intimate with, given the time period this has gone on for I doubt there's any way back from this. Doing the dishes isn't going to make her desire you sorry

Some stark advise coming in…
so what do I do?
I can’t really bare the thought of not putting my kids to bed every night, or sharing my life with her.
but if the advice above is right, I should pack my bags and leave, arrange coparenting and figure out what this new life without the people i love is all about.
it’s a hard thing to do

I don’t think I could continue to hang out as friends with my wife, as it would constantly break my heart to be around her

It won’t be without the people you love, as you would see your children regularly. You could be amicable with her and coparent. I think you need to have an honest and calm discussion with her about divorce and what that might look like financially and practically speaking.

Sorry that the advice is stark, but your situation sounds so bleak. You seem like a great and caring guy and you deserve to be happy. This isn’t going to give you that - you’re not happy now and nor is she.

I would bet money on the fact there is someone else .
You provide the material life and family stability she wants - someone else is meeting other needs which is why she has no interest in you in that way .
This situation won't improve- she does not want you to woo her . She is using you to retain her stable existence.
I would ask for some honesty from her and tell her that you are not prepared to live this way .
You sound a decent man who deserves better than being used and not loved .

Thanks
i was mainly hoping for some advice on how to go about creating a fresh start with my wife
going back to square one and rediscovering each other again
I was so sure it was in the realms of possibility but the consistency in advice, that I am an idiot and causing more hurt than help and that there is no chance of resurrection, seems to be the general consensus. It seems my love for her and my family is clouding my judgement
i need to get over myself and accept that my marriage and life as I know it is over!

You can only make a fresh start if she wants to do that too and it seems she doesn't want to .
She wants to keep hold of all the benefits you bring to her life and leave you out in the cold emotionally and physically.
I'm sorry you are just now coming to a realisation of the real situation but you do deserve so much more and there can be a better relationship out there for you in time .
It will be hard but please ask for some honesty and put an end to this relationship that is causing you such sadness and confusion.

Plus you are not an idiot or causing more harm than help - you sound like a good man who wished to make a marriage work and his wife and family happy .
Unfortunately you can only do that if the other person is invested too .

Thanks 😊

I think she’s been quite unfair to you op. That’s quite a statement to make and expect for someone to stick around. I think you need some legal advice before you talk to her.

She may well backtrack so be aware of that.