Another, my wife has fallen out of live with me thread

[Troublebrewing1]

Ok, strap in and I’ll try to be concise
ive been with my wife for 20 years, married for 10. Two amazing, funny, adventurous kids, one at school and one at nursery.
2 years ago my wife hit me with the bombshell that she is no longer in love with me and feels more like a friend/brother style relationship.
devastated to say the least.
we have an amazing life, we travel, have adventures and do stuff as a family all the time.
I have been working so hard for the last two years to be there for her, support her and give her a rich and fulfilling life but… she still says she is deeply unhappy and has lost who she is but still enjoys our life together and the things we do as a family, albeit without the need for any intimacy.
this is breaking me and I am feeling like I am losing who I am. I am no longer motivated to follow my passions and put all my energy into creating adventures for the kids and the family.
we still go away every holiday travelling, go away in the van together most weekends, go out to dinner etc etc
we have just moved house and I hoped that diving into a project together again would be a positive step but she is still so cold (she occasionally lets her guard down and life is brilliant but then it seems she remembers to be cold and distant and snaps back into that mode)

i love her and our family unit and life, so much but I’m at the end of my tether.

I feel like I should move out and let her have it all, put my energy into the kids and myself and start again but I can’t because I want to grow old with this woman and nobody else!

ahh well, I guess I’m just venting and nobody can offer me a magic wand.

I wish I could flick a switch and have her smiling, silly, joyful self back and life would be perfect but more than anything, I just want to snuggle up next to her at night again, instead of lying like pencils on opposite sides of the bed!

Google the 180.
She has got to miss you to want you.
Stop doing the pick me dance.

But being a realist, chances are her head has been turned and there is little to zero chance of turning this around. The only thing that might work is to shock her out of her cake eating, divorce her.

I hear you about the kids but you will (can) get 50:50. Staying in the relationship as is will teach the kids the wrong things, kids are much more perceptive than we generally think.

Years down the line here and all the better for divorcing my cheating wife. I think the kids are better off to.

Get a new relationship with mutual respect and love.

Your current life is no way to live, you only get one go.

Good Luck & unmanly (((hugs)))

Thanks again ☝️

…to add to that, I really mean it, thanks!
I have sacrificed my passions, career options, well everything really. To live where my wife wants to live all these years, clinging to a tiny scrap of who I am (I am a mountain boy and we live by the coast, as far from mountains as can be) I did this willingly, as I love her and replaced my needs with alternatives
i would willingly carry on doing this if I was truly loved in return but maybe I will be a better person to walk away and become me again.

i hope it’s the right thing to do and my kids continue to have the amazing life they currently have, I’m not sure how but I’m sure I can figure it out

Unfortunately you have probably served your purpose. Given her a nice life and house and two kids. Sad but it sounds over. Why you moved house with this going on I’m not sure. Tell her you can’t live like this and want a divorce. Having the kids 50/50 won’t be appealing to her either I wouldn’t imagine. You can’t make someone want you.

We bought a new house for, just over, half what our previous one sold for. To provide stability for the kids while we tried to figure us out.

worst case scenario, one takes the house with a small mortgage and the other takes the money and buys another house.

best case scenario and we figured us out, we were going to buy a rental property with the remainder of the money, to help save up for kids as they get older.
so it wasn’t a wholly naive/foolish move

At the risk of bringing on the wrath of the MN faithful........
For a woman to love a man they need to respect him and scurrying around doing the household duties whilst being rejected and belittled does nothing to command respect.
Chances are, that on her part (uncommunicated??) resentments have built up over the years whilst you as a typical one dimensional male (we all are 😀, family, food, beer, sex & football) and she has become unhappy and the root cause of her unhappiness is you ( in her eyes).
You are not responsible for her happiness , that is on her.
Try divorcebusting.com, chumplady.com & there are plenty of others out there.
Probably best to see a solicitor just to see where you stand.

Thanks
i probably am being naive here but I don’t think I need to see a solicitor, as if it comes to divorce it will be amicable and equitable.
despite all of this, we are best friends and have each others interests at heart

Something to do that is free is listen to a podcast called ‘Closeness’ with Tari.

I find it interesting how you describe your kids and life as amazing but don’t describe your wife in such terms. You don’t describe her as beautiful or in any other romantic way.
How do you ‘woo’ her? How do you flirt?
As a huge generalisation of women, roll up your sleeves and go outside and chop wood with an axe.
It’s a huge turn on.
You need to work out what she finds attractive. Lift heavy things, get your hammer out and knock up some shelves.
Maybe you’re a tight arse and she wants new bed linen but you keep saying no. Let her get the bed linen. That sort of thing. Go back to basics and buy her random thoughtful gifts.

I’m kind of over doing that, haha!
i designed and built our last house myself, on my own (more or less) and fix and make everything we need.
I’m creative and inventive and plan amazing experiences for the family, sleeping on glaciers, building shelters in the woods for the family to camp out, the list goes on
it clearly doesn’t work to woo her anymore in my case.

Probably OP.
Also, a bit of assertiveness and confidence on your behalf is possibly your only chance of finding out if she could want you again.
Bending over backwards for her isn’t working and it may be putting her off more.
Maybe if she has a chance to really miss you, there’s a tiny sliver of a chance.
All my best wishes

🙏

I'm afraid to say you are being used to provide her with a lifestyle that she has become accustomed too. It's seems she has no feelings for you and it would be madness not to seek legal advice if a divorce was to happen. Good luck for the future.

She is using you to provide her with the lifestyle she enjoys.

You sound a really decent man and caring partner. You deserve to be with someone who loves, appreciates and desires you. Your wife does not!

Separation and divorce sounds the only option. She has checked out!

You say you would not need legal advice to separate. Please please seek some. You might be reasonable in the event of Separation but I'm not sure your wife will be! I would brace yourself for her being furious her cushy life style is over and then acting accordingly.

👆this in spades.
Once it comes to divorce, it is war.
To be forewarned is to be forearmed. See a solicitor. Take control of your life.

Amicable in divorce is as rare as hens teeth.

It sounds like your wife might have become depressed by the daily grind of family life with small children. She has chosen to deal with it in a rather immature and cruel way.

I find these “I love you but I’m not in love with you” statements really irritating. What does she actually mean? Does she think life is full of moonlight and roses for everyone else and everyone else is swinging from the chandeliers? Also as someone said upthread, what did she expect you to do with that information? The early years of parenting tend to dominate most family units and there is chance to focus on the couple when children are a bit older.

That said, you were together a long time before you took this step and I have noticed there are lots of MN posts where a relationship has got into trouble when children have arrived 10 years or more in. No doubt it’s fine for many but I have the impression that after such a long time people sometimes cannot make the switch from their child-free life to parenthood with that particular person.

As another poster said upthread, you need to detach from her. Until you can do that with your feelings, you need to fake it till you make it. You’ve remained devoted but in fact she needs to feel your absence, she needs to taste what a life without you as her person really feels like. You need to let her go. When she realises you’re no longer hanging on to her, she will either feel relief or she might then start to recover her feelings for you but either way you need to give her the space to feel these things.

You sound lovely. I know you can’t imagine being with anyone else, and it’s probably some years away, but once you allow yourself to move on, I don’t doubt you will find a lovely woman to share your life with.

This situation happened to a good friend of my DH’s. When his children were quite young (7 and 5 or so), his wife said she was no longer in love with him and ended the marriage. Again, their relationship had been very romantic before children. He was devastated for a few years but went on to meet a lovely woman and they have now been together several years and are married.

1000% this ⬆️ your wife has used you to get what she wants, and doesn’t want you anymore, don’t leave the house but stop running around after her, get some solid legal advice about what a divorce will look like and what happens to the assets ( her dream home gets sold ), and be a good father to your children

Thanks all

I was the same as your wife. I just wasn’t attracted to my husband in a sexual
way (he was ten years older) but, and I’ll pinch someone else’s words here, we had nothing more than a very compatible platonic friendship. We too also had children probably about the same ages that yours are. I became increasingly aware that I wasn’t interested in him in that way. We’d go for days out, and holidays, as a family and have a nice time but that’s where it ended. There was no passion or desire there. There was no-one else that was influencing my decision.

I lived like this for years. He never questioned things and was probably happy to coast along due to the lifestyle we had. He thought I was frigid. I wasn’t. Far from it! He never thought that it might be that I wasn’t attracted to him.

I always knew I was missing something. Passion and sexual connection was just a fantasy to me and I thought I’d never have it. I had, stupidly, been a ‘good girl’ and never been with anyone else prior to marriage. No experience of anybody else.

I ploughed my energy into raising my two children (who did very well at school) and into my career (now in senior management in my field). However, lurking deep inside me was that feeling of unsung unfulfilled. My sex drive increased as I got into my mid-40’s (menopause related) and I still couldn’t have any sort of physical contact with him. He had been lacking in that area anyway and sex had always been a chore to me. Let’s just say he knew nothing about play or anything. Dull is probably an understatement!

I ended up getting involved with someone else. Unintentionally! This was after many, many years of a sexless/affection less marriage. My goodness! Was my mind blown!!! Sadly, and stupidly, this man was married. It had to stop. But, I felt this overwhelming feeling of regret. Not at what I had done, but what I hadn’t done - if that makes sense! I ended my marriage immediately.

What I’m trying to say is…she won’t change! She probably thinks a lot of you (as I did my husband) but not in a sexual way. And to me, now, a marriage without sex/intimacy and affection is nothing more than a friendship. Passion between a couple is magical.

You need to walk away. You will find someone else who can give you what you so desperately need. Your children will be fine! Mine were! You are also probably making your wife unhappy by continuing with this marriage so it needs to end to allow both of you to find peace.

My biggest regret is that I didn’t move
on from my marriage, if you can call it that, just to keep someone else happy.

Being not unsung!!

You sound like an amazing man btw and a great dad to your children!

Be careful! This isn’t always the case! Your wife will try to cling on to everything she can!

Thanks teacake
good but not good to hear… glad you found peace
hope I can

To be blunt: you're trying too hard! She knows it and knows why. Just dial it back bit by bit.

As others have said she likes the lifestyle, the help you give her, so she's prepared to live this life, as she's got everything her own way. Of course you still need to help out, but you also need to have some self respect. Try doing things for just you; meet friends, play a sport, anything so you're not totally involved with just the family. Stop making her number one!

Honestly, sorry for my bluntness last night - you do sound great, a real dedicated family man. But I think you have mistaken acts of service for rebuilding a romantic connection. Obviously we can’t know your wife’s mindset - it might be as others have said that she wants the lifestyle
but to keep you at arms length. Or she might also have been holding out, seeing the effort you’ve made and enjoying the family activities and so trying to figure out a way to keep that but without the romantic connection.

Whatever it is, that energy is so gone in her. I also know this might not be a popular thing to say but her attitude might change when you stop trying so much and take charge and end it. Takes the pressure off and instead of fending you off emotionally she gets space to see you as someone who doesn’t need her quite so much. But i’d advise against banking on that tbh.

Also - where is your anger? She’s dropped this bomb on you and then accepted your sacrifices yet has not actually taken the steps to end things properly?

Or, and honestly as this is an anonymous forum - how did you react when she told you all this? Did you beg and plead and ask her to reconsider? Did you say you didn’t accept it and ask to keep trying? At any point have you actually said you know what ok, I see this is not working let’s discuss divorce? A lot of her behaviour sort of could make sense in the context of how you reacted?