Another, my wife has fallen out of live with me thread

[Troublebrewing1]

Ok, strap in and I’ll try to be concise
ive been with my wife for 20 years, married for 10. Two amazing, funny, adventurous kids, one at school and one at nursery.
2 years ago my wife hit me with the bombshell that she is no longer in love with me and feels more like a friend/brother style relationship.
devastated to say the least.
we have an amazing life, we travel, have adventures and do stuff as a family all the time.
I have been working so hard for the last two years to be there for her, support her and give her a rich and fulfilling life but… she still says she is deeply unhappy and has lost who she is but still enjoys our life together and the things we do as a family, albeit without the need for any intimacy.
this is breaking me and I am feeling like I am losing who I am. I am no longer motivated to follow my passions and put all my energy into creating adventures for the kids and the family.
we still go away every holiday travelling, go away in the van together most weekends, go out to dinner etc etc
we have just moved house and I hoped that diving into a project together again would be a positive step but she is still so cold (she occasionally lets her guard down and life is brilliant but then it seems she remembers to be cold and distant and snaps back into that mode)

i love her and our family unit and life, so much but I’m at the end of my tether.

I feel like I should move out and let her have it all, put my energy into the kids and myself and start again but I can’t because I want to grow old with this woman and nobody else!

ahh well, I guess I’m just venting and nobody can offer me a magic wand.

I wish I could flick a switch and have her smiling, silly, joyful self back and life would be perfect but more than anything, I just want to snuggle up next to her at night again, instead of lying like pencils on opposite sides of the bed!

We both work full time and contribute equally, so no issues there.

it her mums house that she grew up in but is about to be empty as it’s rented out, as her mum lives abroad. So she would be living on her own ( that a whole other concern, going back to the life she had before we got together, old home, friends on the road etc who wouldn’t like that, it’s hardly going to be a struggle for her)

my whole being is horrified at the thought of the kids living in different houses 50/50, I grew up in a wonderfully stable family and know no different, it seems awful for young kids to be pushed from pillar to post

it seems awful for young kids to be pushed from pillar to post

It's not ideal but it's not terrible. Kids are resilient. And two peaceful, independent homes are much better than the alternative, which is a home based around a charade of a loving relationship increasingly marred by resentment, grief and contempt, and mostly likely only delaying the inevitable separation. That's what's really harmful to kids.

To put in my, potentially unfounded, glimmer of hope and what is keeping me fighting.
a few years ago after our youngest was born, my wife became even more closed to supporting my dreams and trying to live in a different area and I became quietly resentful, I found myself falling out of love for her, stopped fancying her and could not see any way that I would see her as any more than a friend
but after a lot of soul searching and really looking ar what my life was, who she was, what we have etc, it came back! I couldn’t believe it and now I fancy her, lust after gamer and live her more than I ever did before.

so I know it happens in long relationships and I know it can come back

All of the above was done quietly and I carried on being a loving supporting partner and dad. She was none the wiser as to how I was feeling.

I think you both have a lot of scerets.

Sorry if I've missed it upthread, but have you actually asked her what she wants? What her needs are that are not getting met?

I’ve been honest with her since and explained how it strengthened my love for her.

im sure most long relationships go through these ups and downs of feelings of love?

I don’t have any secrets at all
i have no idea if she does though

apologies for all the typos, rushing to tap away on my phone

@HonestFeedback yes but she can’t tell me, she says everything is potentially perfect, she just can’t see me as more than a friend. I know it breaks her heart that she is feeling that way

I think you both have a lot of scerets.

Ah, yup, nailing it right here.

Starting to think there's been a lot left unsaid (or unacknowledged to self) in this relationship. People really aren't as good at pretending they're Just Fine Everything's Fine as they think they are.

What's felt but unsaid rots a relationship from within.

I’ve been honest with her since and explained how it strengthened my love for her.

So you told her you fell out of love with her, stopped fancying her and could no longer see her as anything but a friend, was this at the time or some time after ?

This was after, while we have been working through her issues, trying to explain that I understand how she is feeling right now

I’ve been honest with her since and explained how it strengthened my love for her.

Unfortunately this confession may have undermined her trust in your feelings for her if you told her some time ago, or sounded like a way to manipulate her into staying if you told her just recently.

Jesus, I just can’t win… it’s so hard knowing what to say and how to be open and honest.
so you are saying I could have driven the nail in further by being honest about my own issues?

I don’t seem to be able to anything right

Ehhh I'm sorry I read the whole thing. Hard as it is or would be you need to leave and make a new life for yourself if you aren't happy having her as a friend. Clearly she just wants to be friends and the kids will work this out soon if they haven't already. Anger and resentment will build eventually. You can't put your all into a one sided relationship. It sounds like your both great people just no longer a good couple and your both worth more and you can't be happy living like that.

Did you listen to the podcast? It’s by a sex therapist. I think it’s really good.

I hope she hasn’t had an affair but it really seems the most logical conclusion.
She seems very clear on wanting space. I would in this instance not initiate any contact with her and be slow to respond to any of her attempts to speak to you.

I'll cut to the chase

Did you have an extra marital affair or sex ?

@WidthofaLine me, absolutely not!
I am a very moral person and wouldn’t/couldn’t ever do that to my wife.

sure I fantasised about what it would be like to have the buzz of a new connection but absolutely never acted on it, or have even flirted with another woman

@NovelFarmer i did, it was great and I would love my wife to listen to it but don’t think she would

so you are saying I could have driven the nail in further by being honest about my own issues?

It's important to be open and to communicate about issues as and when they arise. Your wife wasn't supporting you about moving where you wanted and you became resentful and felt as though you didn't want to be with her any longer. But you didn't talk openly about how important living in the mountains was to you. Instead you stuffed it down and pretended things were normal, though I doubt that you gave such an Oscar-winning performance as you think you did. Your wife may well have felt you withdrawing and began feeling anxious and disconnected herself even if she didn't understand why. This might be the root of your problems.

Waiting till now to tell her may now seem like you're trying to convince her "just ignore your feelings! They'll go away just like mine did!" But this also carries the threat of "Also, my feelings might change again in the future!" Your wife's faith in the solidity of the marriage has been seriously undermined.

You and your wife's relationship clearly isn't as solid or as mutually supportive as you might like to think, and the relationship has some pretty serious cracks in it. While some lasting marriages do draw far apart and back together again, other couples never seriously doubt their love for their spouse. At first you seemed to urgently want to paint her as the absolute love of your life but way down you admit you thought about leaving in the past. So I think you should spend some time really asking yourself what stories you're telling yourself about your wife and your marriage that might not be fully grounded in reality.

Your love of the mountains, does it involve skiing ?

OP I don't think your marriage is over. But I think you probably need to be less of a doormat - it's not attractive when someone is really keen/begging you to like them back.

I'm not advocating being mean to her or anything like that, but why not get your own hobbies/interests/social life outside the family, so you're fulfilled outside of the relationship.

When she doesn't feel you're totally wrapped up with her (and that pressure to be your everything is eased off her) she might realise her feelings (or not) but she's certainly not going to if she feels smothered.

@CheekyHobson all fair points but believe me I am being fully honest about “stories I’m telling myself”
my wife is the love of my life and always has been, even when I thought I had lost feelings for her, I hadn’t, it was all me and the stories I was telling myself then!

I think most relationships have cracks and some get repaired, some don’t and some you adapt to evolve around.

I am not pretending we have/ had the perfect relationship, as we are both fairly independent, open minded people. Life evolves and hurdles get put in front of you.

i think it’s a strength in relationships to navigate those hurdles, even if it involves some wobbles.

@WidthofaLine yes it does but more connected to climbing, running, mountaineering… why?

@MsCactus thanks, I get that now
i do have hobbies outside the family and within that don’t involve my wife… although I’m not as driven as I was and have realised I need to get that back.
100% agree about being less of a doormat, I’m done with trying to convince her, it’s demeaning to me and I have learnt that it is counterproductive.. I’m learning a lot, hindsight is a wonderful thing
never been in this situation before, so I think I’m allowed to cock up, as long as I learn from it

Take a course or counselling in how to make your marriage happy. You both have a lot to gain if you work on it sincerely.
Best of luck.

A friend always says that love is an action not a feeling. Maybe if your wife actioned herself in the way of love she might warm up to her loving self.

Search Lee Baucom
He does books, courses, a podcast

thankyou both☝️