Another, my wife has fallen out of live with me thread

[Troublebrewing1]

Ok, strap in and I’ll try to be concise
ive been with my wife for 20 years, married for 10. Two amazing, funny, adventurous kids, one at school and one at nursery.
2 years ago my wife hit me with the bombshell that she is no longer in love with me and feels more like a friend/brother style relationship.
devastated to say the least.
we have an amazing life, we travel, have adventures and do stuff as a family all the time.
I have been working so hard for the last two years to be there for her, support her and give her a rich and fulfilling life but… she still says she is deeply unhappy and has lost who she is but still enjoys our life together and the things we do as a family, albeit without the need for any intimacy.
this is breaking me and I am feeling like I am losing who I am. I am no longer motivated to follow my passions and put all my energy into creating adventures for the kids and the family.
we still go away every holiday travelling, go away in the van together most weekends, go out to dinner etc etc
we have just moved house and I hoped that diving into a project together again would be a positive step but she is still so cold (she occasionally lets her guard down and life is brilliant but then it seems she remembers to be cold and distant and snaps back into that mode)

i love her and our family unit and life, so much but I’m at the end of my tether.

I feel like I should move out and let her have it all, put my energy into the kids and myself and start again but I can’t because I want to grow old with this woman and nobody else!

ahh well, I guess I’m just venting and nobody can offer me a magic wand.

I wish I could flick a switch and have her smiling, silly, joyful self back and life would be perfect but more than anything, I just want to snuggle up next to her at night again, instead of lying like pencils on opposite sides of the bed!

You are trapped in limbo and that's not fair on either of you. If you are able to have cool rational conversations about practicalities of family life, I would sit her down for a friendly but firm chat on financials and how a two-household family will work. You can't go on like this. Frankly I don't understand how she can either. I suspect it's fear of losing her lifestyle and standard of living. If you can sit down and work it out, you might finally get out of this awful prison. You will only heal once you've split up. You need space to grieve your marriage.

Thanks butterfly
believe me my anger is there, tucked away out of sight of my family!
for a long time before this I felt unsupported in life, not in the day to day things, she’s always been great at supporting my freedom etc but in the big things, the big life/family decisions. However, as said before, I love her and our family so much I just accepted it.

when she told me I obviously reacted in a the way of trying to convince her we can rebuild and find a way back, trying too hard and probably being needy but I’ve learnt that’s a mistake.

I have still been focusing solely on family and positive times though and neglecting my own identity.

ive realised and then supported by many comments on here, that I need to focus on getting my mojo back and chasing my passions (only slight problem is, despite enjoying solo adventures, I really prefer family adventures or trips with my son more nowadays) and to truly pursue my life, I need to move back to the mountains but whatever the outcome of this relationship, I’m trapped where I am.

half of me wants to just walk away and let her have a life without me and the other half still holds onto the fact that the ONLY thing missing is intimacy, everything else is arguably better than most relationships.

or maybe I’m just blinded to the reality

Hi @Troublebrewing1 I have a friend who has done similar to her husband. Years later (they are no longer together) he still doesn't know what went wrong. By that, I mean he accepts it might be partially his fault but she has never told him what made her unhappy, or given him the chance to put it right.

If your wife is no longer happy with you, she has every right to tell you that, but she should afford you some reasons (or if she doesn't know the reasons, consider personal therapy to help her understand herself). Either way, she should then take steps to end the marriage. It's really cruel to tell someone you don't love them, not give them any reason, and then just continue with life, expecting them to stick around in a half life.

All that said, you've made a lot of mentions of your adventure holidays etc - is that what your wife wanted? Is there a chance that you've been really full on planning adventures for you and the children that you forgot to ask if that's what she wanted? I may be barking up the wrong tree, just trying to understand if she's had years of not feeling listened to.

Whatever it is, you clearly love your wife and your life, but you can't hold on to someone who doesn't want you.

Thanks
yes she loves the adventures too and has always been fully up for everything.
we also do lots of trips to Europe to visit her family too, just hanging out, city breaks, beach time.
who knows, what has turned her view of me
when confronted about what she wants out of life, she just says she has no idea!

She doesn't want you to leave.
She wants you to appreciate who she actually is.
Write her a letter, explaining why you love her. Light some candles. Cook dinner. Make it just the two of you after kids are in bed. Tell her she's still attractive.
You say that you do all this stuff around the house, and you sound great! but I imagine what she's really after is to feel seen.

I like that☝️ and I want to do that so badly
But I’m scared that it will be rejected and it’s not what she wants
I also just want to hold her and sit and snuggle, nothing more
in my, probably misguided, view, that’s all we need!! Haha I wish

Sound advice as always @Dery.

Your wife is in a fog of her own emotions and is rather selfishly getting everything her own way.

I think you need to change your narrative to her and tell her that if she isn't interested in counselling but wants to accept this is it, then the practicalities of separation need to start.

I think you need to look around at separate accommodation and check what your options are.

Bring them to her at a solid advanced stage so that it is clear that you are moving into accepting what she wants.

You have bent yourself out of shape and it isn't working, she remains cold and distant with you.

It is ok to want more.

She may be relieved that you want to move out or it may force her to address how she really feels.

Children definitely change relationships and they don't always survive.

It is great your finances are in a good place, that definitely makes things easier.

It is reasonable to no longer want to drift.

If it's over, let it be over.

Wishing you well.

Your wife is 2 years ahead of you, clearly emotionally and probably financially. She may have already sought legal advice.

Everyone thinks their spouse will be amicable and they rarely are.

She doesn't want you to leave.She wants you to appreciate who she actually is.Write her a letter, explaining why you love her. Light some candles. Cook dinner. Make it just the two of you after kids are in bed. Tell her she's still attractive.You say that you do all this stuff around the house, and you sound great! but I imagine what she's really after is to feel seen.

DO NOT DO THIS. Unless you like getting kicked in the b*

Seconded. Do not do this

Thirded ( if there is such a word!) Do not do this!
O.P, she knows how you feel. She has checked out long ago, but selfishly wants nothing to change. Please seek legal advice and also mentally prepare yourself for a new future. You can still go adventurng with your son, l'm sure you will co parent amazingly, but don't keep on bending over backwards for a woman who has clearly told you your relationship is over.

Thanks @billy1966 ! And strongly seconding your advice to OP on where to go from here.

Thanks again all

its just so difficult though…
today we are spending a lovely day decorating the house and playing with the kids. It’s just like everything is fine and we are a happy loving family.

its days like these, well 70% of days really, where it feels like we have hope of sorting ourselves out!

Unfortunately, I know several couples in the same situation as you. One wife even admitted that she'd had a short affair and the husband stayed with her. All three women like the life they have but have zero interest in having sex with their husbands again. Many women just don't fancy intimacy when they get to a certain stage in their lives and are more focussed on the children, home, travel and job.
Personally, I would step right back and make her WANT you. If that doesn't work, then you know she's checked out completely and you have every right to find someone else to love. The more you make the effort she may feel smothered and it can be a massive turn off.

This is what I’m leaning towards☝️

rather than moving out and diving into a divorce, I just feel getting on with my life and being me again may help
i have definitely been too over attentive and can see now, how that could push her further into her mindset.

it’s hard to do though when our lives are so intertwined with kids and day to day running of the family!

im off on my own next weekend solo climbing in the mountains, maybe I should do more of that and stop worrying about her all the time

Yes - but that’s because that’s what suits her. I think there’s something very cruel about her behaviour - she’s happy to play happy families but keeps her husband and the father of her children at arm’s length.

Look, most of the posters here are women and most of us have told you that the only chance of saving your relationship is to show her that you’re willing to let it go. She absolutely takes for granted that you’re going to hang around for her whatever happens. She may feel oppressed by this - you distancing yourself may just bring her huge relief. Or she may start to find she misses you. From what you say, she hasn’t had the chance to miss you. Either way, you need to start letting her go.

I mentioned one story upthread. I have another. My father had a number of affairs when my sister and I were growing up. My mum shared with me once that he had told her that they would remain married until we were through university and then they would divorce. When a person has lost their love for a partner, they can be that cold and cruel. As it happened, my parents remained married for some years after our graduation. Then mum herself ended the marriage after 34 years. She had married at 18 and never lived as an independent adult. She flourished and went on to meet a wonderful man and have a very happy second marriage.

OP - there is life for you beyond this woman who is willing to play happy families with you and then stamp all over your heart. Let her go and let her see that you’re letting her go.

Imagining telling someone 2 years ago that you no longer loved them and they're STILL with you. Man thats awful. It should have been game over right there. Maybe a 6 month 'trial' separation or councillong if she been willing. But two whole years stuck living together. Wow. Are you both martyrs to sorrow?

I mean she could have moved out but I'm guessing she doesn't want to shift the kids from the family home as she's expecting to be the primary care giver?

Either way dude, time for this to be over. Yesterday. 2 years yesterday even.

One thing to mention also, is that she has been colder with her family and the kids to a degree too, for the last couple of years.

im the one that sits and cuddles with them more and creates exciting days out with them, movie nights etc

it does feel like she has stepped back emotionally, more broadly than with just me but she gets angry if I bring it up🤷‍♂️

Absolutely do not do this, it’s terrible advice, if anything you need to do the opposite, stop doing all those nice things, talk about separation and her moving our if she wants to end the relationship

Strange posts, rejected husband yet you sound so upbeat, no sadness just an acceptance that she suddenly stopped loving you.

Where is the emotion, everthing suggests this woman has been hurt and has detatched from many of her relationsips, something doesn't add up.

Half of the finances have already been halved, at your suggestion ?
Things sound like they're going to plan.

I’m simply trying to be upbeat, as trying to maintain positivity is critical for me and the family… don’t see the benefit of pouring out my sadness and emotions on here!
a whingathon isn’t going to do anyone any good.
believe me, there is plenty of sadness.
I’m also trying to understand what has happened to her to detach, certainly no hurt or anything from me.

she comes from a pretty unpleasant divorce as a kid and both her parents live abroad, which I know she resents and wishes they were around, particularly since we have had kids.
I often wonder wether there is long unresolved issues stemming back to that, that have come to light at this stage of life!?

How old is she op?

Coming up to 40

I bet there is another man somewhere.

OP, you sound like a lovely person and I’m sorry you’re in this unhappy situation. You and your wife got together very young (teens?) and people change as they grow up.

You need to sit down together with time for a long talk. I know you love her and long for her to love you again. But be clear that if she does not want that, you need to separate. You’re both still young and can find love again.

You’re a good dad, but neither of you are modelling a healthy adult relationship, and your children will be affected by this as they grow older. You can still be a good dad while coparenting. Best of luck.