Another, my wife has fallen out of live with me thread

[Troublebrewing1]

Ok, strap in and I’ll try to be concise
ive been with my wife for 20 years, married for 10. Two amazing, funny, adventurous kids, one at school and one at nursery.
2 years ago my wife hit me with the bombshell that she is no longer in love with me and feels more like a friend/brother style relationship.
devastated to say the least.
we have an amazing life, we travel, have adventures and do stuff as a family all the time.
I have been working so hard for the last two years to be there for her, support her and give her a rich and fulfilling life but… she still says she is deeply unhappy and has lost who she is but still enjoys our life together and the things we do as a family, albeit without the need for any intimacy.
this is breaking me and I am feeling like I am losing who I am. I am no longer motivated to follow my passions and put all my energy into creating adventures for the kids and the family.
we still go away every holiday travelling, go away in the van together most weekends, go out to dinner etc etc
we have just moved house and I hoped that diving into a project together again would be a positive step but she is still so cold (she occasionally lets her guard down and life is brilliant but then it seems she remembers to be cold and distant and snaps back into that mode)

i love her and our family unit and life, so much but I’m at the end of my tether.

I feel like I should move out and let her have it all, put my energy into the kids and myself and start again but I can’t because I want to grow old with this woman and nobody else!

ahh well, I guess I’m just venting and nobody can offer me a magic wand.

I wish I could flick a switch and have her smiling, silly, joyful self back and life would be perfect but more than anything, I just want to snuggle up next to her at night again, instead of lying like pencils on opposite sides of the bed!

Hi OP, your relationship sounds similar to one I was in for 10 years. I think we were stopping each other moving on to a happier life and had become kind of co-dependent on each other despite neither being happy, we kind of spent our lives ebbing and flowing through a cycle of "we'll be happy when ... ". I think you should respect her need to move out but accept it may be step in a direction you might not like, it's so so hard but I don't feel you can spend your life trying to make someone fall back in love with you. Some people on here have been ridiculously harsh.

This☝️
@Troublebrewing1 Please protect yourself financially.
Divorce, especially with children, is really , really tough.
And expensive.
It sounds to me like you are trying too hard.

Be more selfish!
Stop grovelling to your wife.

You need sex and intimacy!
If that is with someone else, so be it.

Many people have affairs- especially if their partners aren’t into sex.

Divorce is very painful, no such thing as an “Amicable “ one- and I say that someone who now gets on with my ex husband.

andrewgmarshall.com/my-wife-doesnt-love-me-anymore/

You really need to move on. Same situation in my marriage and I saw my husband as nothing more than a friend for many years (and, quite frankly, realised I’d made a mistake from day 1). I lived with my feelings for years but the marriage drifted into a sexless one for many years. No affection. Nothing. I just couldn’t do it. He never complained though and was quite happy to coast along living in the pretend existence we had both created. We enjoyed days out and holidays and ploughed money into paying off the mortgage but the spark and passion just wasn’t there. Never had been tbh. We both worked full-time (still do) and had a lovely existence that other people saw. Nobody knew although I think my mother suspected things weren’t right as she said something to me before she passed away. Nobody knew (even him) about the deep resentment and unhappiness building up inside of me. I sacrificed a lot for this man and carried on living in this ‘relationship’ for many years. I felt trapped by the children tbh. Not in a horrible way but I felt I couldn’t split the family unit up. I ended up sleeping in the spare room - a little box room with a single bed. He had the master room with the newly re-fitted en-suite. Was this what I’d worked so hard for? I think not. I was pretending. All of the time. I couldn’t discuss my issues with anyone else as I felt embarrassed and like a failure. My own parents had divorced when I was a child and I didn’t want that for my own children. So, I continued to live a lie deprived of sex/affection and even that great connection you see with happily married couples. It wasn’t fair on either of us. Him or me. I couldn’t change the way I felt - and neither can your wife.

My turning point came when another man came into my life. My goodness, did I wake up and realised what I was missing out on. I ended my marriage immediately and he moved out. My biggest regret is that I stayed in a marriage like this for so long (23 years) - it was nothing more than a friendship. I had been too naive to see that (I met him at 21 when I was still at university - he was 32).

Please let her go. You will only cause more pain for yourself. She probably does love you but not in a romantic way. The children will be fine. And, to be honest, she has probably had her head turned.

But that really would only make things worse for her because she does not have any feelings for you other than as a friend and as a dad to her kids. She does not want to grow old with you. As soon as the kids are old enough she will leave. You need to get your head around this because once it happens it does not change. She is only with you for the security and. I've life you provide the kids. Inside she will be dying inside because she will need live and affection just as much as you do.

That is complete and utter rubbish.

If you were my brother or one of my male close friends I’d be worried sick about you right now.

She is cake eating.

She’s being entirely selfish and you’re so anxious about losing her, you’re allowing her to walk all over you with her demands to keep the status quo while ignoring you’re own needs and wants.

I honestly believe some individual counselling to unpick and understand why you’re struggling to let go would be really helpful.

I’d also be seeking legal advice asap. And for your own sake stop investing in the idea this can be turned. It’s only likely to get worse.

I’m so sorry you’re in pain, this all sucks.

This. Exactly.

Sorry, but assuming there MUST be an OM in this situation is just bollocks.

People can easily fall out of love without being in love with someone else.

I can't decide if you are spectacularly naive or a complete mug. Your wIfe is certainly taking yo7 for a mug and showing you absolutely no respect.

Her current plan seems to be to move into her mother's vacant house and leave you with the children.

You need to work out what your co-parenting future looks like. If only for the sake of the children.

I support her every-way I can, cook, clean, run the kids around. Try and let her have lie ins, time to do her thing etc

Missed this before but do you realise this is basic parenting and partnership, not a gold star? IShe also presumably cooks, cleans, runs the kids, lets you have lie-ins and time to do your stuff. It’s not “support”. It’s basic functioning and taking care of your own responsibilities. So often the “bread winning role” is framed as “supporting wife and kids” when in reality it’s just a guy doing exactly the same job he did pre-kids while making the same financial sacrifices as his wife is, while she also sacrifices career progress and earnings to take care of the kids they equally chose to have.

@cheekyhobson of course! We have always had an equitable relationship. I was pointing it out as another poster had suggested that maybe I was not pulling my weight, I was pointing out that I do as a matter of course and not for credit, it’s just the way life and relationships should function.

How old are you both?

Is she using contraception? They could low or stop libido.

I would give her a deadline say 3-6 months or 1 year.

If nothing changes, I am out of sexless marriage.

When a wife doesn't care about sex due to menopause, often she lets her husband have a lover because it's not his fault he doesn't care anymore and he deserves to have that part of his life to be fulfilled.

In this sexless case, marriage can survive, and it may not survive because the husband can fall in love with his new lover and leave.

There are some awful comments here - just do you know, the alpha/beta tripe was based on studies of wolves in captivity and has as much relevance as suggesting that humans in prison are obsessed with trading cigarettes.

You don’t need to be different. You need to be yourself. Twisting yourself in knots to keep the interest and love of someone who doesn’t love you for who you really are is the most profoundly damaging psychological torture. You are already enough.

I think there’s another man involved in some way. If it’s confusing it’s because information is missing.

Have you read any Gottman books - I read it following a recommendation on here. Makes you focus on why you fell in love. I believe you can get it back as long as it was there at the beginning (ie not just the first 6-18 month crazy Disney love hormonal stage).

You know the old saying…you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink it…same applies here.

I've changed my view concerning op's last posts.

I think mentally he run rings round his wife.

Jesus this gets worse OP, I'm sorry.

She 'selects' you is just a complete and utter disrespect for you - she's absolutely taking the piss out of you right now.

Stay away for a few days but still join in family trips etc? Absolutely taking the piss.

Quite frankly you have the patience for a saint, but you're being taken for a fool and if you agree to this setup your kids are going to grow up with some really messed up ideas of what an adult relationship should be like. This will be damaging them now, you just can't see it... Yet.

I'm going to ho against the grain here. You are doing too much for her, you are too emotionally available. You need to step back big time. Do things for you. Start dressing well, going to the gym, start a new hobby. This way you will be desirable to other women, which will mean you are desirable to your wife. Cooking and cleaning is all good and helpful but does not make you desirable to her. She needs to see that you have other options. Stop making her the centre of your universe. Concentrate on your kids, carry on with your duties but take a massive step back.

This. I’m getting the ick just reading all the over eager OP replies. I am starting to feel sorry for the suffocated wife. For God’s sake give her the space she wants and let her miss you OP! It is the only way to find out if it will come back for her.

OP ignore all the advice about making more effort with your wife. You need to do the opposite! When people do this it feels so claustrophobic.

I was once your wife. My husband decided he couldn’t live with the lack of intimacy anymore and ended the relationship. I suddenly realised I actually loved him but couldn’t see it because I was going through some stuff. But he made it worse by pushing and chasing more, the more distant I became.

That was around 6 years ago, we got married since then and have been happy ever since.

Just read through this and OP, you seem obsessed and sorry to say naive.
You sound like a love struck teenager clinging on in the hope of a crumb of attention/affection.
Tell her to go, live life for you and your kids not wasting years on someone who has told you they don't love you.
I've got the major ick myself at how you're trailing on about her.

OP I fell out of love with my husband for a couple of years and then back in love afterwards. Get some couples counselling

Bollocks.

I would say “often” is not true and atypical rather than the norm.