Another, my wife has fallen out of live with me thread

[Troublebrewing1]

Ok, strap in and I’ll try to be concise
ive been with my wife for 20 years, married for 10. Two amazing, funny, adventurous kids, one at school and one at nursery.
2 years ago my wife hit me with the bombshell that she is no longer in love with me and feels more like a friend/brother style relationship.
devastated to say the least.
we have an amazing life, we travel, have adventures and do stuff as a family all the time.
I have been working so hard for the last two years to be there for her, support her and give her a rich and fulfilling life but… she still says she is deeply unhappy and has lost who she is but still enjoys our life together and the things we do as a family, albeit without the need for any intimacy.
this is breaking me and I am feeling like I am losing who I am. I am no longer motivated to follow my passions and put all my energy into creating adventures for the kids and the family.
we still go away every holiday travelling, go away in the van together most weekends, go out to dinner etc etc
we have just moved house and I hoped that diving into a project together again would be a positive step but she is still so cold (she occasionally lets her guard down and life is brilliant but then it seems she remembers to be cold and distant and snaps back into that mode)

i love her and our family unit and life, so much but I’m at the end of my tether.

I feel like I should move out and let her have it all, put my energy into the kids and myself and start again but I can’t because I want to grow old with this woman and nobody else!

ahh well, I guess I’m just venting and nobody can offer me a magic wand.

I wish I could flick a switch and have her smiling, silly, joyful self back and life would be perfect but more than anything, I just want to snuggle up next to her at night again, instead of lying like pencils on opposite sides of the bed!

Just one further thought. Your wife says she “wouldn’t have time” for an affair, and if sounds as if she doesn’t have a lot of energy for the children either.

Is she really very busy? or just tired and lethargic? Or is she feeling ‘all touched out’ with a small child and a toddler? (I’m guessing age as one’s in nursery). Could it be she’s just lost her mojo, and might be able to suggest (while you’re having a long talk uninterrupted by children) possible changes that would let her relax more.

If she is inexplicably tired, she should go to a doctor for a check-up. Or there’s just a slim chance she is in early perimenopause.

If she is claiming to be so busy does she work full time in a pressured, demanding job? She is a still a young woman in her 30's and something is definitely not right if she is withdrawing from her kids and her wider family as well as you. I am inclined to agree that there may well be another man in the background.

Do you actually talk to each other? All your posts are about what you do eg holidays days out chores diy etc
It sounds like there is not much connection - do you know her hopes dreams ambitions and she yours? Do you know what books files or tv she loves and why? Do you know her opinions on current events, politics economics philanthropy etc?
Sex isn’t everything and has become less important to me from menopause onwards but there are other ways to share passions and intimacy

I actually think the comment about being seen is spot on.
Women want to feel desired and attractive.
Can you hold her gaze. What do your compliments relate to?

You should get counselling that relates to sex therapy. As this is your problem.
Also it sounds like you can’t initiate any romance from fear of rejection. This is also a problem. Start small. Make sure your compliments are not too chaste but not overly sexual either. Think ‘your legs look good in that dress’, ‘are you wearing perfume? You smell good’ (when she is clearly not wearing perfume). Not at the end of the day when she thinks you want sex but out and about when nothing can happen.

I think at this stage you have nothing to lose as she has already announced she no longer wants you.

Are you both on the same page re parenting?
Throw out some ‘your mum is right kids’ every now and again.
When she points out a hideous couch, ‘love it, you have great taste’.

I do also think withdrawing a bit is a good move. She needs to see that she could lose you. Maybe have the chance to miss you.
I often find my DH most attractive when I see him at a party talking to other people. I get to see him with fresh eyes the way others do.

I am in your wife's position. It couldnt be more similar. For me the stagnancy is driven by fear, of hurting a good man and of course breaking up a family. But struggling to find real connection other than activities and day to day life as one of the posters has just said. I don't think its just a wanting to keep a lifestyle. Its doing what is possible given her feelings, to preserve the family. I feel for you as a really feel for me husband. It is so painful.

This is going to sound like a horrible question. Is she a strong person, or a strong charcater? Would you consoder yourself a beta male? I know its simplified but it reaches potentially so many parts of the dynamic.

I am devastated I feel this way and hate myself for it and thats what keeps me here, he knows and I know it. We both care for eachother and adore our children.

This must be so difficult for you, OP. I’ve read the full thread and you have gotten some excellent advice. I just wanted to say that I think you’re amazing for sticking around despite what she’s told you about how she feels. I hope you find happiness, whatever the outcome.

@Fourhorses she is not a particularly strong character and nor am I, I’m not a beta male but nor an alpha, we are both pretty mellow easy going, kind people on the whole.
I certainly know more of what I want in life than she does at the moment and can be fairly driven to explore the world and squeeze what I can out of life.

@NovelFarmer i am scared to compliment her for some reason and feel a bit desperate when I do, which is horrible and certainly a very strange position to find myself in with this woman who I know so deeply.
I would love to try sex therapy with her, as I have said before, it just feels like we need a massive jolt to the situation, like jump starting a car, to get us back on the loving track… but maybe that’s just me

@Aussiegirl123456 thanks, that’s a nice thing to say. I’m sticking around, because plain and simple, I deeply and truly love this woman despite everything and want her happy again and want to show her the happiness and joy in us again. I would die for her, to use a cliche, so of course I will stick it out, for better or worse until the end… or new beginning!

Also… regarding withdrawing a bit, I’m not sure how to do it?
id find it very hard to be cold and that seems counterproductive.
how do you withdraw and show that she could lose me but still support her and be there for our family day to day.
mid nothing else, I’m learning a lot about life at the moment🤦‍♂️

Instead of ending it and eventually starting courting and meeting someone new. I would LOVE to start a new relationship with her, I feel we are different people these days and I’d like a fresh start, as if we were courting for the first time and put my energy into an exciting new relationship… with her!

Withdrawing could mean mirroring the amount of attention she shows you. But don’t be cold when you do. Just go about being star dad and keep busy, just initiate less conversation.
Take up a hobby (not golf or cycling) once a week, but don’t immediately tell her about how it went. Wait for her to ask.
But definitely don’t be cold.

This is very sweet, but honestly I think better to be realistic at this point and accept it's over. Course it's more appealing to envisage rekindling what's lost, but it's been gone a long time now and you both have (hopefully) a lot of life left to live with someone who loves you. That's sadly not with each other.

I hate to say it OP but there is some possibility that your DW has had her head turned. It may not be someone local - may only be occasional and be more regularly online - just be on your guard.
It's quite likely also that your DW has very significant resentment toward you - perhaps she blames you (even entirely unfairly!) for the lack of passion in her life.
Be aware also that romance needs tension, uncertainty and a degree of vulnerability. All you are doing is slackening the rope, by providing security, stability, certainty, steadfast loyalty and dedication.
It sounds like you have sacrificed yourself and perhaps she resents you for that also (I know it shouldn't make sense - but maybe it's to do with respect and self respect?)
My advice would be that you absolutely need to focus on yourself- spend time nurturing your passions and keep calm and ccheerful. Remain kind but don't seek attention or affection. Focus on self improvement. And rediscover that you are an attractive, desirable, energetic, caring and loyal person worthy of feeling loved. Regardless of what happens in your relationship you will need this!
Good luck OP

I know a lot of responses are that she’s possibly had her head turned, but that may not be the case.

Some women (myself included) just lose themselves in motherhood and life. I know at one stage I was depressed, but I didn’t know it. I really backed off from my DH. I felt as though I didn’t love him anymore. I acted pretty much how you’ve described your wife. I told him that I didn’t know what I wanted, but really I was holding back how I felt at the time. Once I became ‘better’ and put some effort into my marriage, my feelings started coming back. I definitely didn’t fancy him but one day he was on TV being interviewed about his work project and I saw him in a powerful position something ignited in me. I’m not going to lie, it took a lot of effort for me to feel feelings for him again and they do ebb and flow but I’m so glad we mutually made an effort and remained together. We had our 20th anniversary last month.

For me I feel as though sometimes this isn’t a fairytale. We’re told growing up that we’ll meet our prince and live happily ever after and therefore strive for this non existent arbitrary thing.

Anyhow you sound sweet and lovely. Good luck :)

I agree somewhat with @Aussiegirl123456

OP, is there unresolved PND or birth trauma? I went through a v bad patch about intimacy when my youngest was 2 or so, so well past the baby stage. I got counselling and slowly things improved. I hadn’t had my head turned or anything, it had just shut off for a bit.

So…. After a long conversation tonight,
my wife wants to move out, partially. She has suggested her moving out a few days a week to have space and miss me.
she has suggested moving to her mums.

she says who lives me and selects me but is not in love with me and at the moment just does not want that kind of relationship with me but… she lives everything we do as a family and wants to continue all our family activities, days out, holidays etc.

I get the space thing, I would have loved it at different stages in our long relationship but I don’t see how it can be done without too much uncertainty for the kids and me to that matter!

she wants everything she has now but with me in a friend position.

she says she understands how good it would all be if she could see me as more than a friend but she can’t, at the moment.

I have no idea what to do
roll over, sacrifice even more and hold the fort? , looking after the kids and trying to keep life fun, while she swans off and has her space. Amicably carrying on with all our family activities, when it suits her!

or walk away from this woman that I love and formally split up and get on with my own life.

I don’t want any upheaval for the kids but no idea how to avoid it.

• she says she loves me and respects me but is not in love with me

Thats brutal, I'm sorry.

Has she yet confessed to their being someone else ?

No

And here's the brutal post..

I'm sorry it looks like your wife has been having an affair for two years or more.

The man she is with is either placing demands on wanting her to leave, or she is becoming more attatched to him and expecting him to leave his wife.
If it's the second scenario, then she is instigating her removal from the family home hoping it will get her ap to act, an ultimatum of sorts.

Either way she's a cake eater and doing this on her terms, keeping you dangling just in case each scenario doesn't work out.

You really need to assert some boundaries now.

Do you believe there could be someone else ?, I know this is painful.

I’m 99% sure that is not the case

despite all of this, she is an honest and sweet woman
and I know she is in turmoil herself about what to do. She loves our life but has just utterly lost any romantic feelings towards me and doesn’t know what to do.
she also can’t tell me why she has lost those feelings and says, I am a perfect man and partner on paper but she has just changed and can’t see me as any more than a friend

Are you financially supporting her, OP? Who's going to be paying for her to swan off and have 'space' (well, a room at her mum's, which will wear thin for her mum soon enough, I expect) while retaining the ability to continue enjoying all the fun of family activities for an indefinite future?

I think I would stop allowing things to be easy for her when she is putting very hard choices in front of you.

So I would explain that what you want is a commitment to relationship counselling because you still love her and want to make your marriage and family work.

Or, if that's not an option, she can move out, start living as a genuinely separated couple, her paying her own way and you paying yours, and sharing custody 50/50. You don't have to file for divorce instantly, but you're not funding her mid-life crisis for her.

If it wasn’t for the kids, I’d just up and leave and move back to the mountains, try and get back to being me and get over her
however, as always with kids in the picture, this is not possible and my only option is to stay and suffer, trying my best to keep life sweet for the kids.

trying my best to keep life sweet for the kids

With no disrespect, you are aspiring to do something you're not capable of doing.

If your wife has fallen out of love with you, your marriage is over, unless you are prepared to martyr yourself in a fake relationship based on an increasingly unsustainable lie. It's going to suck for the kids, at least for a while as they adjust to having separated parents.

At least by separating you open space for new and positive possibilities in your life, even if they're not on a mountainside. Your wife has made it utterly clear that the possibility of a romantic relationship with her is over. She's being selfish and putting herself first, and to be blunt, you get to do the same thing now, while staying in your kids' lives, obviously.