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Original poster

Marriage or child first - deadlock

284 replies

Tara40Fi · 14/02/2023 23:12

Feel I’m in a deadlock with DP. He knows that I want to get married. He wants us to have a child. Told him 2 years ago that I’d love to have a family with him but I want to get married first. So for the past two years we’re in a deadlock. I wait for him to be ready to set a date for the wedding, he waits for me to be ready to start TTC. I’ve addressed it with him several times, he keeps saying that we can get married ‘eventually’, but isn’t interested in taking next steps. Thing is, I’m turning 40 next month so I really can’t wait much longer to start TTC. I feel I’ve already wasted the past two years and I don’t know how much time I have left realistically to have a baby. So I feel like giving in now and starting to TTC. He’s very happy for us to have a baby and I don’t think he plans to run off at first opportunity given that he really wants to start a family with me, but it’s obvious that he doesn’t want to get married…I think I’ve hold off as long as possible, and given my age I just need to TTC without being married if I ever want a child. I own a flat and have a good job, so at least I would be ok financially. Not sure why I’m posting because there’s no real solution I guess…I’m just frustrated that we had another nice (Valentines Day) dinner with me hinting at marriage and him brushing it off and changing the topic :(

OP posts:
Puppyseahorse · 14/02/2023 23:17

What is his reason for not wanting to get married now or 2 years ago?

Ikeameatballs · 14/02/2023 23:18

He doesn’t want to get married.

Your choices are these:

TTC with him regardless
Leave him and look for another partner to TTC with
Leave him and TTC alone
Stay with him and wait for him to change his mind on marriage, meanwhile making the chances of getting pregnant less each day

For me in your shoes I’d secure myself as much as I could financially etc and crack on TTC. Would I stay if TTC was unsuccessful? Quite possibly not if marriage was still important to me.

NuffSaidSam · 14/02/2023 23:19

What's his reason for actively wanting to have a child outside of marriage? I think that's very odd tbh.

Is he already married?

TooManyChoicesNotEnoughDecisions · 14/02/2023 23:20

In all honesty if you own property and he doesn't, you'd be better off not getting married. It seems to be a constant that women are told marriage protects them, but if you start with more assets and have decent earning potential, then that isn't necessarily true.

NuffSaidSam · 14/02/2023 23:20

Is it marriage or a wedding he's against? Have you offered doing it just the two of you with as little fuss as possible? Just for the actual piece of paper/legal status.

Pixiedust1234 · 14/02/2023 23:21

Marriage or find someone else.

Women lose out financially when giving birth/rearing children, the men never do. This is how the Law protects women.

Original poster
Tara40Fi · 14/02/2023 23:22

He says his reason for not wanting to get married is that he thinks it’s not important to have a piece of paper documenting our commitment and love. But what bothers me even more is that he says we will eventually because it’s important to me, but it’s a just words and no actions…as the past two years have shown.

OP posts:
NuffSaidSam · 14/02/2023 23:25

Tara40Fi · 14/02/2023 23:22

He says his reason for not wanting to get married is that he thinks it’s not important to have a piece of paper documenting our commitment and love. But what bothers me even more is that he says we will eventually because it’s important to me, but it’s a just words and no actions…as the past two years have shown.

It doesn't really make sense does it?

I'd be digging a bit deeper.

NotMyDayJob · 14/02/2023 23:25

He doesn't want to marry you. 'eventually' will never happen.

If you want a baby you really can't hang around at nearly 40, so you need to choose what is more important because he's not going to marry you.

FlowerArranger · 14/02/2023 23:25

What's your financial position - home ownership, assets, respective jobs, salaries, pensions? How much do you stand to lose, careerwise, if you have a child?

So many women have children without being married, work only part-time or not at all, relationship breaks down, and they are left with little or nothing. You read these sad tales on MN every day. You don't want to join this club...

savethatkitty · 14/02/2023 23:26

I would not have a child with this man. Sorry

StarsSand · 14/02/2023 23:27

What a dick.

If you're in the UK- I wouldn't have a baby without being married.

It's not a 'piece of paper' it's something that will give you legal and financial protection if he decides to skip off and fiddle his income to avoid child maintenance like to many men before him.

If you do TTC without being married I suggest you make a financial agreement with him- in that half of the cost of medical expenses etc will be covered by him. If you miss work due to pregnancy he will pay 50% of your lost wages. He will pay you 50% of his wage while you are on maternity leave caring for your child and then he will also pay 50% for any lost wages due to part time work due to childcare.

And Don't give up your job.

Basically he would like you to assume all the financial risk in order to give him what he wants without compromising his own position at all.

FlowerArranger · 14/02/2023 23:27

he thinks it’s not important to have a piece of paper documenting our commitment and love

You know that marriage is much more than this.

More importantly, he knows it too. And he wants to protect himself - not you.

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 14/02/2023 23:28

NuffSaidSam · 14/02/2023 23:19

What's his reason for actively wanting to have a child outside of marriage? I think that's very odd tbh.

Is he already married?

What a weird thing to find odd. Me and DP have been together for 14 years today. We have 2 DC. No plans on getting married

NuffSaidSam · 14/02/2023 23:29

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 14/02/2023 23:28

What a weird thing to find odd. Me and DP have been together for 14 years today. We have 2 DC. No plans on getting married

Show quote history

But presumably you're both happy with that?

Do you see the difference between your situation and the OP's?

Newnamenewme23 · 14/02/2023 23:31

Pixiedust1234 · 14/02/2023 23:21

Marriage or find someone else.

Women lose out financially when giving birth/rearing children, the men never do. This is how the Law protects women.

Not always.

I got married as advise by family to “protect myself”

turns out marriage protects the partner with fewer assets.

all marriage has done for me is give dh a claim on 50% of my house and pensions. I was the one with the job and assets, and he can walk away with half of everything o worked for pre marriage.

o/p if you have your own property and a good job have a serious think about who divorce whole benefit. Bearing in mind everything goes into the marital pot and you’ll come out with half each.

Itisbetter · 14/02/2023 23:34

It’s a financial decision. Would you be better or worse off if married?

TobermorysMusicMachine · 14/02/2023 23:34

Will he sit down with a solicitor and discuss alternative ways of financially protecting you and the child in the case of various scenarios?

They will likely tell you marriage is easier but if this is a view on marriage he has decided he has due to past experiences/perceptions this may help drill down a bit.

My uncle did this and realised marriage was much more straightforward.

Also aware of friends who haven’t married and had children but do intend to - they own property together and refer to each other as intended spouse in their wills.

Original poster
Tara40Fi · 14/02/2023 23:44

Thanks all. I’m not even sure if I’d be better of financially if married…we both have similar savings and earn about the same, only difference is that I own a property and he doesn’t. Becoming parents might change this though, his work is not very flexible and requires early starts and long days. My work is more flexible, I’m freelance. I think I will be the default parent for this reason, and probably not be able to work the same hours as I do now.

But actually the finances are not my main concern, I’m an old fashioned romantic and always imagined my wedding day as the best day of my life, symbolic start of a new life together kind of thing…probably silly, but it makes me sad to think I’ll never experience this day of pure happiness and love.

OP posts:
Notsurenotquiteright · 14/02/2023 23:46

Crack on with trying to conceive it can take years.
in the meantime inform him that the baby will have your name as it’s important that you and baby share a surname.
if he pushes that baby needs his name point out that it makes travel difficult if mum and baby name doesn’t match (not surE if still correct)
this might nudge him towards marriage.

personally I don’t really believe in marriage either - been with my partner 20 years this year, we have a 15 month old and she has my surname- maybe we will get married eventually for the tax reduction, or if our child starts wondering why we don’t all have the same name. But it really is just a piece of paper

Onnabugeisha · 14/02/2023 23:50

The fact he won’t marry you means one of two things:

  1. He doesn’t even love you enough to do something that is unimportant to him or

  2. Marriage is so so important to him in the sense he is rabidly anti-marriage but he’s been lying and stringing you along with no intention of marrying you.

You deserve better. 💐

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 14/02/2023 23:52

NuffSaidSam · 14/02/2023 23:29

But presumably you're both happy with that?

Do you see the difference between your situation and the OP's?

Show quote history

Not disputing the OP. I'm ques your 'odd' comment..

Itisbetter · 14/02/2023 23:55

It’s not a romantic thing. The romantic bit is planning to live together forever and make your children together. As you own property and he doesn’t perhaps have a word with a solicitor first and see what an be ring fenced. Mums do this. Mums do what will protect their assets because that protects their children.

NuffSaidSam · 14/02/2023 23:55

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 14/02/2023 23:52

Not disputing the OP. I'm ques your 'odd' comment..

Show quote history

Yes, but my comment was that the OP's situation was odd, not yours.

It is odd to have this conversation:

OP: I'd like to get married

DP: I will marry you, but we must have a child first.

That's odd.

Your situation where presumably two people who don't want to get married haven't got married is not the same is it?!

Do you not think it's odd to withhold marriage until someone has a child with you?

TooManyChoicesNotEnoughDecisions · 14/02/2023 23:56

If you have assets and reduce your working hours to be the more present parent, you get to keep what you own and get child support if you split. Unless he has a massive pension, which would equal or better a 50% share of your property, it is likely to be a bad financial decision getting married.

Marriage isn't universally a good decision for financial protection, even if you're reducing your hours. If you really want a child, practicalities are way more important than romantic ideas about weddings.