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Original poster

Marriage or child first - deadlock

284 replies

Tara40Fi · 14/02/2023 23:12

Feel I’m in a deadlock with DP. He knows that I want to get married. He wants us to have a child. Told him 2 years ago that I’d love to have a family with him but I want to get married first. So for the past two years we’re in a deadlock. I wait for him to be ready to set a date for the wedding, he waits for me to be ready to start TTC. I’ve addressed it with him several times, he keeps saying that we can get married ‘eventually’, but isn’t interested in taking next steps. Thing is, I’m turning 40 next month so I really can’t wait much longer to start TTC. I feel I’ve already wasted the past two years and I don’t know how much time I have left realistically to have a baby. So I feel like giving in now and starting to TTC. He’s very happy for us to have a baby and I don’t think he plans to run off at first opportunity given that he really wants to start a family with me, but it’s obvious that he doesn’t want to get married…I think I’ve hold off as long as possible, and given my age I just need to TTC without being married if I ever want a child. I own a flat and have a good job, so at least I would be ok financially. Not sure why I’m posting because there’s no real solution I guess…I’m just frustrated that we had another nice (Valentines Day) dinner with me hinting at marriage and him brushing it off and changing the topic :(

OP posts:
rexythedinosaur · 15/02/2023 06:06

Tara40Fi · 14/02/2023 23:22

He says his reason for not wanting to get married is that he thinks it’s not important to have a piece of paper documenting our commitment and love. But what bothers me even more is that he says we will eventually because it’s important to me, but it’s a just words and no actions…as the past two years have shown.

So he's contradicting himself - one minute saying it's not important, then it is important (because it's important to you) - but not important enough to do it yet.

I mean, talk about mixed messages! It sounds very confusing.

It's either important to him or it isn't. It sounds like the truth is that it isn't (and by extension, you and your wishes are not important).

I'm sure you've thought about this, but there are so many reasons why having a child with someone like this may not be a good idea, so please think carefully.

This is someone who's shown he's capable of stringing you along, manipulating you into doing what he wants (and now you are actually considering doing what he wants, so it's worked).

Is that someone who is suitable father material?

At this point for me it would not even be so much about the wedding, but the way he views you, the way he views women, the way he views your relationship.

Hard for you as well though with your age and wanting a child so badly.... but please think about the child and what kind of father they are going to have. This does not sound like a brilliant situation to start a family :(

ChrisTrepidation · 15/02/2023 06:06

A wedding isn't the be all and end all.

My wedding day was easily one of he best days of my life. Absolutely wonderful. I was so in love. Then I got pregnant with IVF twins and my husband left us when they were 15 months old because he "couldn't cope".

There are no guarantees either way.

You are nearly 40. If you want a baby then I would strongly suggest you crack on with TTC. I'm an older mother as well and I can safely say my children have brought more joy and love to my life than my ex husband ever did. I loved him dearly but it's still not a patch on the love I have for my children.

You own property so in your case marriage may not actually be that advantageous. Go into TTC with your eyes open though. Your partner has already shown you he is a selfish person who will happily string out your fertile to get things his own way. He's far from an ideal partner but if you really want a child then he's probably the best option for now.

Dispense with any rosy ideas of happily ever after because this guy isn't likely to give it to you. I would prepare for potentially becoming a single mother sooner or later. You will be fine though. My twins and I are thriving and I don't even have your advantages of own property and a well paid job.

Best of luck.

Fancysauce · 15/02/2023 06:08

If it's "just a piece of paper" then he won't mind nipping down the registry office with you and getting that piece of paper, will he? Tell him you've booked it and see what his response is.

You've been incredibly complacent about this and your fertility is slipping away while you wait for him to "propose". Do you actually want a baby? This is 2023. You need to go after what you want instead of waiting on a man to decide when to make things happen.

TangledBlue · 15/02/2023 06:10

It might sound harsh, but I think if I was a man who definitely wanted kids, and my girlfriend was in her late 30s, I'd probably want to ensure we were able to conceive before committing to marriage.

If that's the case then he should obviously have been open about it from the start, but I just wondered if that could be his reasoning?

rexythedinosaur · 15/02/2023 06:11

TangledBlue · 15/02/2023 06:10

It might sound harsh, but I think if I was a man who definitely wanted kids, and my girlfriend was in her late 30s, I'd probably want to ensure we were able to conceive before committing to marriage.

If that's the case then he should obviously have been open about it from the start, but I just wondered if that could be his reasoning?

We live in the 21st century and fertility tests are easily accessible.

This is not a reason to behave the way he is behaving.

C1N1C · 15/02/2023 06:15

My ex girlfriend and I were in this EXACT situation... and to be honest, it's because I loved her, but didn't want to be tied down to her. She was nice and all and we had a great time, but in the back of my head it was a no.

Dyslexicwonder · 15/02/2023 06:19

We live in the 21st century and fertility tests are easily accessible.

This is not a reason to behave the way he is behaving.

Thereafter that there is a single test that will predict whether a couple can concieve together is just incredibly naive. The only real fertility test is 6 months of unprotected sex at least twice a week.

Dyslexicwonder · 15/02/2023 06:22

Thereafter= the idea that
Strange auto correct.

NumberTheory · 15/02/2023 06:30

I think you have two issues :-

  1. His reluctance to get married and what that’s actually about. Because, as a previous poster has said, what he’s told you doesn’t make sense. But I also think your own reasons sound a bit head in the clouds. It isn’t your “one day” of pure happiness and love. It’s a big, joyous, expensive party that can drive people a little crazy planning (assuming a big bash) and a pretty fuzzy legal contract. Your days of happiness and love should be uncountable before and after, otherwise you probably shouldn’t be getting married. So I think you both probably have a bit of talking to do about this and some work to find a meeting of the minds. And, to be honest, if you can’t have those sorts of conversations, you probably shouldn’t be getting married or having a baby.

  2. Your need for some sort of financial security if you have a baby with him. Have you sat down and talked about this? He wants a baby but is he aware of what a financial sacrifice that can be? Has he even considered finding a job that would be more family friendly? Is he prepared to pay into a pension for you? Or to put money into a savings account while you’re sacrificing your career to look after your joint child? Has read any books about what to expect as the baby grows, what s/he’ll need, how s/he’ll grow? Is he prepared for the costs of childcare and the need to take time off work when they get sick and can’t go? Does he already do at least half the housework? How does he envision pulling his weight as a father? Or does he want a baby but he’s just assumed you’re going to pick up all the grunt work and he can pick and choose the bits he likes?

PortiasBiscuit · 15/02/2023 06:34

Marriage every single bloody time!
Hold your ground! If he won’t marry you, before you potentially compromise your economic future for at least the next 12 years, find someone who will.
It’s got nothing to do with romance and everything to do with practicality!

Dyslexicwonder · 15/02/2023 06:46

PortiasBiscuit · 15/02/2023 06:34

Marriage every single bloody time!
Hold your ground! If he won’t marry you, before you potentially compromise your economic future for at least the next 12 years, find someone who will.
It’s got nothing to do with romance and everything to do with practicality!

Did you see the part where OP said she is nearly 40 ? Hold your ground is great advice at 28 or 30, less brilliant 10 years later.

ChrisTrepidation · 15/02/2023 06:55

@C1N1C So did you not feel guilty about stringing along a woman who you knew you didn't want to commit to?

It staggers me how happily men will waste a womans fertile years. Why were you not honest so she could go and find a man who wanted what she did?

Offdutypead · 15/02/2023 06:59

ChrisTrepidation · 15/02/2023 06:55

@C1N1C So did you not feel guilty about stringing along a woman who you knew you didn't want to commit to?

It staggers me how happily men will waste a womans fertile years. Why were you not honest so she could go and find a man who wanted what she did?

I would respectfully suggest, no one else can "waste" your fertile years. They belong to you. Women need to be mistresses of their own destinys.

Theunamedcat · 15/02/2023 07:03

OK no marriage so

Baby has your surname not his
Your will reflects everything going to the child keeping it in a trust until adulthood
Honestly this could work for you
I would be prepared to go it alone because he is running down your fertility

marriage is nothing you can get a divorce being a parent is for life so why is he afraid of the lesser commitment thst actually favours him?

MarieRoseMarie · 15/02/2023 07:06

He doesn’t think you can conceive. That’s why he’s pushing TTC over marriage. If you do, he’ll break up with you insisting that you deceived him somehow.

have a child as long as you are fine being a single mum because there is no way this guy is sticking around.

MarieRoseMarie · 15/02/2023 07:06

You are a placeholder. He doesn’t love you.

ChrisTrepidation · 15/02/2023 07:10

Offdutypead · 15/02/2023 06:59

I would respectfully suggest, no one else can "waste" your fertile years. They belong to you. Women need to be mistresses of their own destinys.

Show quote history

@Offdutypead And I would respectfully suggest to you that men absolutely can and do waste womens best years for their own selfish ends all the time. You see it on here so often and @C1N1C has just admitted to it upthread.

We live in a society that encourages women to sacrifice their own needs for love. It is a rhetoric that plays time and time again.

It is absolutely shitty and selfish to string a woman along when you know you don't want to marry her. It is using another person to have your own needs met.

EyesOnThePies · 15/02/2023 07:15

If you own your house and can earn I am not sure why you would want to put your assets in joint partnership.

A baby is far more joy than ‘the best day of my life’ of a wedding.

At 40 you really are filibustering your way out of both.

Decide for YOU whether you want a child enough to potentially do it on your own. Because with his attitude to commitment if you do want a child come what may, you would be better off not losing half your house in the process.

PlatesSpinning · 15/02/2023 07:17

How old is your partner?

He is being ridiculous and insincere, he either wants the package or he doesn't. He has said he doesn't.

If you love him more than anything else in the world and your relationships is the best you ever had, you work really well together and have a fulfilling life maybe consider not having a baby but enjoying the boyfriend /girlfriend relationship.

If you like /love how but a baby is more important, ditch him and go it alone, the option is there and while your dc wouldn't have a dad, you'd also avoid relationship issues etc. It would all be on your terms, this is great especially if you have your own assets and a good career.

I would not wait around to be married. At your age it's a yay or nay, he says nay. Maybe he's already married or he is just weird.

Do not have a baby with this man child, and don't marry him.

LoveMAFS · 15/02/2023 07:20

Sounds like he doens't want you as much as you want him. I told my dh it was marriage or split and I meant it.

KangarooKenny · 15/02/2023 07:20

Sounds to me like he’s avoiding getting married.
You’d be ok financially on your own if necessary, so get conceiving !

Offdutypead · 15/02/2023 07:21

ChrisTrepidation

I am in no way having a go at OP, but the narrative that a man has somehow "stolen" your fertility window smacks of a learned helplessness and an external locus of control.

Any reasonably intelligent woman knows that her best chance of carrying a healthy pregnancy to term is to have her children around 23-37ish. There is no conspiracy, this information has been freely available for at least 30 years.

Women need to take control of their own lives, their fertility, their finances and their living arrangements.

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 15/02/2023 07:21

MarieRoseMarie · 15/02/2023 07:06

He doesn’t think you can conceive. That’s why he’s pushing TTC over marriage. If you do, he’ll break up with you insisting that you deceived him somehow.

have a child as long as you are fine being a single mum because there is no way this guy is sticking around.

🤣

KangarooKenny · 15/02/2023 07:22

And I’d never get married again. Have a fantastic christening party instead.

Dragonsandcats · 15/02/2023 07:27

Given your age, if I wanted children I would start trying now. I would absolutely give any dc your last name though, and I wouldn’t give up/reduce work and become financially dependent on him.