Marriage or child first - deadlock

[Tara40Fi]

Feel I’m in a deadlock with DP. He knows that I want to get married. He wants us to have a child. Told him 2 years ago that I’d love to have a family with him but I want to get married first. So for the past two years we’re in a deadlock. I wait for him to be ready to set a date for the wedding, he waits for me to be ready to start TTC. I’ve addressed it with him several times, he keeps saying that we can get married ‘eventually’, but isn’t interested in taking next steps. Thing is, I’m turning 40 next month so I really can’t wait much longer to start TTC. I feel I’ve already wasted the past two years and I don’t know how much time I have left realistically to have a baby. So I feel like giving in now and starting to TTC. He’s very happy for us to have a baby and I don’t think he plans to run off at first opportunity given that he really wants to start a family with me, but it’s obvious that he doesn’t want to get married…I think I’ve hold off as long as possible, and given my age I just need to TTC without being married if I ever want a child. I own a flat and have a good job, so at least I would be ok financially. Not sure why I’m posting because there’s no real solution I guess…I’m just frustrated that we had another nice (Valentines Day) dinner with me hinting at marriage and him brushing it off and changing the topic :(

This, do not allow yourself to become the "default parent" without financial recompense.

How about proposing a compromise? Yes lets TTC, but if I fall pregnant I want to be married before the baby arrives. Perhaps he’d be more amenable to this, you both get what you want.

his work is not very flexible and requires early starts and long days. My work is more flexible, I’m freelance. I think I will be the default parent for this reason, and probably not be able to work the same hours as I do now.

If you decide to have* *a baby, have a conversation about work/money first. There is no way you should become the default parent without being married. All childcare and costs should be split 50:50. If he really wants a baby he needs to get a more flexible job, be responsible for half of drop offs/pick ups etc. Reducing your hours or taking a career break can have a huge impact on your career and future earning potential. His response to this will show how committed he really is to having a baby.

We ttc first and then got married whilst pregnant :)

If his attitude towards marriage is that it’s just a piece of paper, then it’s not a big deal doing it, so he may as well just do it.

If it was me, I’d crack on with TTC but tell him until you’re married, the baby will be having your surname 🤷🏻‍♀️

You seem a bit triggered by this thread @AllThingsServeTheBeam . Suggests you aren’t as secure in that unmarried status as you think.

Unfortunately, what if she becomes pregnant and he doesn't follow through with marriage? Given the circumstances, I'd rather take marriage off the table and TTC as a single woman in a relationship. At least she then is in control.

He doesn’t want to get married. Honestly, you would be better off on your own than with someone who actually doesn’t want the same things as you do.

OP you have made your wishes clear, that you will only consider a family within a marriage, and for two years you have been ignored.

If marriage is a non-negotiable life goal for you then this is not the right relationship. Walk away.

I think he wants a child without the commitment of a lifelong partnership and there is a real chance that he would move on soon after if you have a baby leaving you to take the main responsibility of raising the child and just enjoying being a leisurely dad...

This just comes down to your priorities. If you want a baby then TTC now as the odds are already statistically stacked against you. But take advice of previous PPs and just get legal advice regarding finances BEFORE you are pregnant. He needs to understand the full financial expectations that come with a child.

Marriage is a funny one. It can be oddly divisive. I never wanted children but always wanted the romantic gesture, so I totally get what you mean. Luckily my DH is the same. But I can also understand people not needing it and I have plenty of friends with children who aren’t married and are doing just great.

What I don’t like is him saying “eventually”. That’s the bit that feels like stringing you along. But only you know him.

He doesn’t want to get married. I very much doubt he will in the future. I suspect he sees marriage as a huge formal commitment that has legal ties and he can’t just walk away from.

In your shoes at almost 40 and owning your own flat plus a good job I would start TTC because time isn’t on your side. It might take a while or you might need help but you do need to get on with it.

If you own a property and he doesn't, you're financially better off not marrying him.

Also, you say he works long hours in an inflexible job, so you're likely to become the default parent, but he's the one pushing to have a child. Is he willing to make any changes to his job and/or working pattern? Is he willing to take any shared parental leave? Will he do his share of childcare drop offs / pick ups and time off work when the child is too unwell for childcare?

From what you've said, I don't think you should marry him or have a child with him. I'm surprised that you've waited until the age of 40 to ask yourself this question, as time is not at all on your side. How long have the two of you been together?

He doesn't want to marry you.

That's the cold truth I'm afraid. What you do next needs to be done with that in mind.

By all means have a baby with him, but take legal advice about how to protect yourself and the baby. Give the baby your surname.

I would be reluctant to reward his manipulative behaviour with a baby, and might investigate sperm donor instead, but I don’t know how much of a realistic option that is? If he’s older than you, his sperm quality won’t be the best either and could mean miscarriages and a higher risk of the child being disabled, so a younger man would be a better option practically too.

If a sperm donor is not an option though, I think you need to go into this with your eyes wide open that you’re on your own. Make sure you give the baby your name,, no matter what and plan things out as if you will be a single parent.

Sounds financially as though you'd be better off not marrying him given the property you own.

Have a baby, give it your name, don't get married. I bet he doesn't step up with the childcare (cynical).

Get all your ducks in a row re finances and childcare so you can go alone if you need to.

Yes. That must be it. Oh wise one. How well you seem to know the inner workings of everyone's mind.

Have you actually heard yourself? I can imagine people IRL getting eye ache from all the eyerolling they have to do after having conversations with you

Good lord, get rid!

Why make a life with someone who's so lukewarm about you???

Bluntly; You’re turning 40, I would be TTC today IF you want a baby. If a child is in your plan, you’re wasting your life in this deadlock. But do you really want one OP? Because for me, in your situation, feel like TTC would be the priority for me and that is isn’t for you says a lot.

I’m not saying your partner is ‘right’, it’s crazy and weird he’s dangling that carrot to make you produce a kid.

You own your flat, who earns more? Cos you aren’t necessarily better off married if you have assets and are the higher earner (sorry I know this isn’t romantic).

You really want to marry this guy?

I am normally very keen to say that any woman who has children without being married is insane - but that is based entirely on the premiss that the woman is the one whose income will take a massive hit, and who will be financially shafted if they split up without the legal protection of marriage.

In the OP's case, I would say she's better not being married, given that she owns property and her partner doesn't. The only legal thing I would do in her case is make sure her property is protected in the event of a split. Not least because if she does have a child, she's also securing her child's future that way.

@Tara40Fi You don't have time to spend thinking about this. Don't disadvantage yourself by marrying him. Forget all the romantic stuff - that is all bollocks. You need to get your practical head on and work out what's actually best.

In your situation, I'd be TTC. It's too late to start trying to find another man with whom you can have all the hearts and flowers wedding stuff if you do want to have a baby.

You’re 39. Take back control. If you want children and have the financial resources, contact a fertility clinic today and start investigating going it alone. Either he’ll up his game or you can confirm that he doesn’t actually care.
A child is zero commitment, men walk away from children all the time.
If something were meaning to you and meaningful to him, wouldn’t you be doing it straight away? It’s meaningful to him too, and he doesn’t like what it means.
If he genuinely objects to the tradition of marriage, civil partnerships are also available (but you would have to give up the idea of marriage).

He doesn't want to get married enough to kick TTC, which he says he does want down the road, until you give in.

That's a man that really doesn't want either of those things very much at all, sorry OP.

actually the finances are not my main concern, I’m an old fashioned romantic and always imagined my wedding day as the best day of my life

It's also the day that you will sign a peice of paper that says that he owns half of your property, and vice versa, so give that a good hard think. If being married before TTC is a line for you and he's unable to respect it, given that it's your life and body that will be turned upside down, not his, then I'd really consider if he's someone you want to be tying yourself to forever via a child or a wedding.

It sounds like he's either trying to time you out of the option of having a baby or he's not aware enough of the time issue and it needs to be spelled out to him.

This 💯 @NovelFarmer

and given my age I just need to TTC without being married if I ever want a child.

OP, DO you want a child? In your OP you say he wants a child, but you say ‘if’ you want a child.

This is what you need to settle first, for you, you alone, in your own mind and never mind what he wants.

The importance of marriage is the legal and financial deal, not the romantic wedding.

Decide what you want wrt a baby, work out how you could manage alone if you needed to (he would be required to pay child maintenance if you split and he has less than 50% residency) and do what you most want to do.

But do not have a baby because it fits some sort of romantic vision of an extension of a romantic wedding day. Bring a parent has huge rewards but a fairytale rosy romantic journey it is not. Not IME, anyway.

Do you want a child? Do you want a child with him? Do you want a child with him even if you are not married? Do you want a child with him even if you are not together?

If you do, then crack on and TTC. At 39, I would not be waiting around another year (or more) for the dream wedding if I wanted a child.

However I absolutely agree that this child should have your surname. You should decide whether to put his name on the birth certificate. You should take steps to preserve your earning potential.

I think he's a bit shit if he knows how much you want to get married. It's not just a piece of paper. It's a legal status. It's a statement and celebration of your partnership.

Go into this with your eyes open that he's shown and told you that he doesn't want this legal and public union with you. I'm sorry that you won't get to celebrate your dream wedding. But you can still celebrate becoming a parent. And being mature and independent enough to make your own decision about it.