Marriage or child first - deadlock

[Tara40Fi]

Feel I’m in a deadlock with DP. He knows that I want to get married. He wants us to have a child. Told him 2 years ago that I’d love to have a family with him but I want to get married first. So for the past two years we’re in a deadlock. I wait for him to be ready to set a date for the wedding, he waits for me to be ready to start TTC. I’ve addressed it with him several times, he keeps saying that we can get married ‘eventually’, but isn’t interested in taking next steps. Thing is, I’m turning 40 next month so I really can’t wait much longer to start TTC. I feel I’ve already wasted the past two years and I don’t know how much time I have left realistically to have a baby. So I feel like giving in now and starting to TTC. He’s very happy for us to have a baby and I don’t think he plans to run off at first opportunity given that he really wants to start a family with me, but it’s obvious that he doesn’t want to get married…I think I’ve hold off as long as possible, and given my age I just need to TTC without being married if I ever want a child. I own a flat and have a good job, so at least I would be ok financially. Not sure why I’m posting because there’s no real solution I guess…I’m just frustrated that we had another nice (Valentines Day) dinner with me hinting at marriage and him brushing it off and changing the topic :(

Marriage. No-brainer. Do NOT have a child with a man who will not marry you first.

It sounds like the financial and legal protections of a marriage are not the key driver for you, but instead the magic of the day is. If that is the case, you need to decide whether having children or the magic of a wedding is more important. Being realistic, you are running out of time to leave him, meet somebody else, get married and have children with him. So you are unlikely to get the magical wedding followed by children that you want. You need to pick the next best option for you.

Usually on these threads there is a clear imbalance between the man and women with assets or income and that’s why the man doesn’t want to marry. Not the case here. So this puts you in a better position than many women would be in this scenario, as others have said. It also means he either (a) doesn’t love you enough to marry you, or (b) has a real issue with marriage. If he just didn’t see it as important but he loved you, he would do it because it’s important to you (I have friends like this). Sorry if that sounds very blunt.

As others have said, if you do decide to TTC then you need to have some big discussions first. How will your maternity leave be financed? How will you pay for for nursery together etc? Because I would guess there is a strong possibility he could be a dick over these things. Then proceed accordingly with your eyes wide open about the risks. He may leave you, he may be a shit dad, he may not pay you CM etc etc - can you cope like that (and would you want to)?

I think @Ofcourseshecan has nailed it.

For what it’s worth, I always HATED the idea of a big wedding. Made my skin crawl, although happy for others who had that and wanted it. Very personal to me. We got married with 2 witnesses at a registry office before we had our daughter, because it was important to me that she had parents who were married. It put me in a much worse financial position to do so, but I wanted to do the right thing by my DP and our future children. Marriage can mean different things to different people, there is no right or wrong with this. But he isn’t being honest with what he is saying about his reason for not getting married.

Marriage is more than a sheet of paper. This man has known for the past 2 years that you want to get married and he wants a baby. He is saying that you will get married eventually. The truth is that he does not want to get married but he want you to have a baby with him.

Has he spent time with babies/small kid's or is it the case he likes the idea of a baby?
The idea of a baby and the reality can be far different.

So your almost 40 and you want marriage and a baby. You have a higher chance of having a child with special needs at your age and you need to consider this. If your work is freelance you only getting paid for the work you do. What happens if you had to go on bed rest and could not work?

To be honest it all about what he wants. I ask him why is he so against getting married when he wants a child with you. You can have a small wedding in a register office with family and friends and it need not cost a fortune.
I think that your aware of your age and feel it time I try for a baby before it to late.
Is it your hormones talking? Are you getting a bit of well meaning advice from friends/family that you need to TTC?

I think that if you get pregnant with this man their is a strong chance that you will end up bringing this child on your own. I would not be willing to do this in your 40's because it could lead to you having a special needs child.

I take it you earn more than he does, in that case.

He is neither husband nor father material so I'd ditch him, please don't have a child with him out of desperation. If he doesn't want the commitment of marriage then he certainly won't want the commitment of fatherhood either.

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/living-together-marriage-and-civil-partnership/living-together-and-marriage-legal-differences/

pregnantthenscrewed.com/

You still have cards to play.
Inform him you will TTC but the baby will take your name and not his unless married (not engaged, married). You don’t need to justify this to him.
Secondly I would question him as to why he thinks he would make a great dad considering he cant put what’s important to others ahead of his own. Marriage means nothing to him and everything to you. The fact that he can’t prioritise you in this instance speaks volumes.

Err... this sounds like a cop out.

The thing is, it IS important for you, and he's not offering any real reasons why you ought to NOT get married, or even why he doesn't want to marry you now.

It sounds like this is some kind of power struggle. I think you ought to reconsider having children with this man.

I wouldn’t have a child with a man without being married to him, for lots of reasons. I really can’t understand the mentality that marriage is a bigger commitment than that having a child together. If I had had a child without being married to the father, the child would have been given my legal surname, as I wouldn’t agree to having a different surname to that of my child. That is my view OP. But this is your life and your decision to make, good luck with whatever you decide.

I wouldn't marry this man. He's obviously not interested

As you have assets and he doesn't, marriage isn't necessarily good for you. In your shoes right now I'd agree to TTC without marriage but get a contract drawn up by a solicitor to say he'll pay pension contributions for you whilst you provide childcare up to age 11. Make it a business arrangement and start to prepare for the fact that you're going to end up a single parent with a much poorer retirement pot.

OP I’m sorry about the situation. Go into things with your eyes open. He is unlikely to do much parenting - due to his inflexible job and his selfishness.

Discuss with him how you would split parenting duties and how Mat leave would be funded (given you are freelance). I think it would be fair for him to transfer into your account 3months worth of your pay before TTC (some companies give 6 months full pay - so expecting him to fund 50% would be reasonable). Also, give the child your surname (in my culture women don’t change their surname on marriage and I have had problems bringing my kids back into U.K. - they want to see a marriage cert or child’s birth cert that ‘explains’ why we have different surnames).

Good luck OP. Marriage may or may not benefit you financially. But you can get some idea about his commitment from how he reacts to these conversations.

Are you confident he'd stick around if you weren't able to conceive? Sounds like maybe he's keeping his options open to ensure he gets children, regardless of you and your feelings

OP

Point out to him that if you give birth before you are married then you can walk away with his child.

I know a couple who got married because their baby was born seriously ill, the father could not make any medical decisions so mum, who had just given birth had to.

And before people say, "Oh you get parental responsibility as soon as the baby is registered" you don't register the baby when they are being taken to NICU.

People talk the talk but there's nothing like having a child to make you realise how monumentally selfish some people can be. As soon as things get tough, they jump ship (or are so useless you eventually push them) and if you're not married, all you're entitled to is an often derisory amount of child support. However, given your assets not marrying might be safer for you - you can see how things pan out after you become parents before making a commitment and potentially giving him a claim over your property.

If time was on your side, I'd say leave and find someone else. As it is, in your situation I'd probably crack on with TTC (depending on how much I wanted a child) so long as I had some sort of financial agreement in place for him to pay you a fair amount during your maternity leave and a fair share of the child's expenses including childcare going forward. The child would also have my surname.

Frankly if I were you I'd leave him and ttc with donor sperm.

I've done this so I know what I'm talking about. It's hard to parent alone... But most women parent alone, whether or not they're married or have a partner. At least I get the freedom of being single along with the burdens.

It would be fantastic if you get married but due to age just have the baby if you want one. If you leave him you may end up with no baby.

I own a property and he doesn’t. Becoming parents might change this though, his work is not very flexible and requires early starts and long days. My work is more flexible, I’m freelance

I think marriage should be the least of your issues.

1. You are already the age of an old mum and time is not on your side. A PP above mentioned that older parents are more likely (more than mums in their 20s and early 30s) to have dc with SEN. Old eggs are more likely to have chromosomal issues. Women’s fertility also nose dives in your 30s, particularly so from mid-30s onwards. It might take you years to conceive and you’re already 40. There’s also more complications for older pregnant women.

2. His job isn’t family friendly. He will have to change his hours.

3. Your job isn’t stable if you’re freelance. When would you accept work again after giving birth? What if work dries up? How financially stable are you?

www.acog.org/womens-health/faqs/having-a-baby-after-age-35-how-aging-affects-fertility-and-pregnancy

If you do TTC without being married I suggest you make a financial agreement with him- in that half of the cost of medical expenses etc will be covered by him. If you miss work due to pregnancy he will pay 50% of your lost wages. He will pay you 50% of his wage while you are on maternity leave caring for your child and then he will also pay 50% for any lost wages due to part time work due to childcare.

Don't forget pension contributions as well. These are as important as the here and now in terms of lost benefits from working part time.

If you are both already having problems like this, then please don't have children

This exactly. He wants to have a baby with you, but you aren't good enough to marry. I would struggle with this (given you want to get married)

This sounds an awful situation. Tbh you have to take charge now, you’re both putting the chances of having a straightforward healthy pregnancies and babies at risk. If you plan a wedding you need at least a year to organise if you want it to be “the best day of your life”. Would you wait until after that to TTC, in which case you’re likely to be at least 42 before baby is born?? That’s really starting to become potentially difficult. You’re also ruling out possibility of more than one child.

I think you’re wasting valuable time here and you’ll regret it, even resent him / each other for it if things don’t go to plan. All your risks of complications increase as you get older, you know that, so the chances of it going to plan are diminishing every month.

You both need to put your big girl / boy pants on here and think about the needs of your future children as well as your own. I can’t believe you’ve waited two years tbh. I don’t know who has to budge, but I think the first thing you have to do is both agree enough is enough and neither of you has time to be stubborn anymore.

Sadly agree.

In many ways getting married is saying we’ll get through this together regardless what it takes. I hate the idea of some kind of financial contract, what an awful conversation to have.

This doesn't have to be dramatic, I was in a similar situation although better off financially than now husband. How about a compramise? Ring the registry office and get married just the two of you. If it's just a piece if paper it shouldnt be a big deal for him but you will be legally married. You can have the big party whenever you want in the future or a massive wedding. Then start TTC, the regret in five years time will be the lack of child, not the lack of marriage certificate but that's inly IMO. Good luck

Wise words

"According to Yolanda Kirkham, an OB-GYN at Women’s College Hospital and St. Joseph’s Health Centre in Toronto, your chances of conceiving each cycle you try are 25 to 30 percent if you’re under 35, eight to 15 percent if you’re 35 to 39, five percent if you’re 40 to 42 and one to two percent at age 43."

www.todaysparent.com/getting-pregnant/trying-to-conceive/what-are-your-odds-of-getting-pregnant-each-month/#:~:text=According%20to%20Yolanda%20Kirkham%2C%20an,two%20percent%20at%20age%2043.