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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help. EA DP wants more than fair share of house after split

171 replies

CoalShed · 12/02/2023 22:03

DP and I have been together for 10 years with 2 DC. I also have DC from previous marriage who live with us.

He lived with us in my previous house and did quite a bit of work on it, he asked for a specific price for the work which I paid (10k). I made a profit when the house was sold.

I then used my equity to buy another house, also got a mortgage. I paid all the costs for tradesmen and materials and he also did a lot of the work (he’s skilled). The deal was that he would get 30% of the profit and me 70% if and when the house was sold. He pays a set amount every month to cover bills etc.

Fast forward and I cannot bear to be with him any longer, long story, he’s EA, angry and I have terrible anxiety when around him, he scares me.

I am selling the house and he is now asking for more money from this house (50/50) and more form the original house despite what we’d already agreed. he’s been telling lies about me to anyone who’ll listen, about how I’ve ripped him off, how I’m controlling (it’s the other way round) and how I’ve ruined his life.

I just feel scared, stressed and broken. I want him out but he says he had nowhere to go and no money without the sale of the house. I can hear him shouting on the phone about me downstairs to his sister as I type this.

OP posts:
AllTheThingsIWantAreHere · 13/02/2023 18:20

I don't think you have a choice about kicking him out or leaving immediately seeing as he has been violent to one of the kids.

Was the £700 partly to pay for the mortgage? It seems high just for bills but I guess it depends on the house and what it includes.

BananaSpanner · 13/02/2023 18:23

Children’s Services may well inform the police of the child abuse incident. Especially if it caused an injury.

Original poster
CoalShed · 13/02/2023 18:26

I’ve said I’ll cooperate fully with social services. I just feel like I’m going mad, exaggerating it in my own mind and that no one will believe me.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 13/02/2023 18:26

The police will not remove your DC nor will social services they will just want you to end the relationship and protect the DC from him.

Original poster
CoalShed · 13/02/2023 18:26

Equally, can I send his child off to live with him? I have no rights to his child. It’s a fucking mess.

OP posts:
Wallywobbles · 13/02/2023 18:30

You have to involve the police and document every single thing or your kids will have to go spending time with him and you won't be able to protect them. And he will know this is your biggest fear and best chance of keeping power over you.

The only real protection you can give them is going to the police now and every single time in the future it's hard but necessary I'm afraid.

Original poster
CoalShed · 13/02/2023 18:30

I’ve had many dealing with social services in regard his child and their mother. I trust them and if anything feel they aren’t heavy handed enough as so under resourced. I’m not fearful of them taking my children, I trust their judgement.

OP posts:
MoneyInTheBananaStand · 13/02/2023 18:31

CoalShed · 13/02/2023 18:14

Awwww.... I've name changed since... But I was the last poster on that thread. Sorry!

I stand by what I said though. Don't give him a penny voluntarily. Let him take you to court.

Original poster
CoalShed · 13/02/2023 18:31

He’s in the other room right now cuddling and love bombing the kids.

OP posts:
BurntOutGirl · 13/02/2023 18:48

Excellent that you have a meeting with a solicitor. When is it?

Well done for taking this step. It's so hard but you have got to protect your own children.

Duckingella · 13/02/2023 19:08

Treat him as a tradesman.He did work on your previous property which you paid him for.

This will be your trump card;he hasn't asked for payment for work on the property you live in,you have no written agreement,I'm assuming the conversation about the 30% split isn't in a text message etc.

I think you can claim something from an unmarried partners property if he's done significant things to it however if you paid for the materials and he's only provided labour then I think that's different.The only thing he could possibly get you on is labour costs;however he'd have to pay a solicitor to chase it and it might be a waste of money leaving him with little profit.

If he's emotionally abusive then there's a real possibility you were coerced into agreeing to give him a percentage of the profits from your property.

You can contact the police on the non emergency number and tell them you need your partner to leave but are frightened it could become combative if you ask;tell them you're scared to be alone with him and you're frightened for your children.Also tell them you're not married and you own the home alone.

Where he goes isn't your problem and he can tell all the lies he likes about you;anyone who truly knows you and values you will know it's rubbish.

Reugny · 13/02/2023 20:58

Equally, can I send his child off to live with him?

It depends...

If you are willing to have the child stay, they are any of your children's half siblings and they can't live with their parents then they can live with you.

However if the child is secondary age and doesn't want to stay with you, then they can't be forced to. However they risk ending up in shitty accommodation if they can't live with their parents and they have no other relations they can live with. This isn't your problem.

I know off step-children, actual and de facto, who ended up living with their step-parent not either of their parents.

However beware that his child is likely to be severely emotionally damaged due to their mother's behaviour towards them so if you don't like the child's behaviour and/or attitude, even if they are any of your children's half-siblings, then don't let them stay with you. This isn't your problem.

REignbow · 13/02/2023 21:01

I think that you need to contact the police. The needs of your DC and yourself far out way his. I say that as you own the home and you are not a charity.

In regards to the child (who I feel that you really care for), if they have been physically abused by him then that child needs to be put in the care of another relative/foster care.

You cannot allow yourself to basically be bullied to let him stay because of his child. I appreciate that it is difficult, but you must put your DC first as they are being abused also.

CrescentMoons · 13/02/2023 21:02

Wombats67 · 12/02/2023 22:16

Yep, not married, no contract or shared mortgage, he can bleat all he likes. Not a leg to stand on.

You could give him a bit of cash for work but you dont have to & where he goes is not your problem.

I'd involve the police sooner rathet than later if you're scared tho.

This and off he pops, change the locks kick him out get a restraining order and go to the CMS all done in an afternoon is you have the right solicitor and get a ring doorbell front and back at the same time

CheekyHobson · 13/02/2023 22:15

From your previous thread, he sounds so much like my ex in terms of taking offense and picking arguments over nothing/the tiniest things, the constant second-guessing what will set him off and walking on eggshells, him turning everything around and blaming/acting like a victim of 'your' control and emotional abuse, going from horrible to lovely in a matter of hours/from one day to the next so you question which one is the 'real' him, acting like normal standards are weird or beneath him, etc etc.

You said in your last thread he wasn't financially abusive but you can probably see now that he actually is, he's been living off you while trying to claim your hard-earned assets for himself.

You just need to leave and minimise contact. He will be just as horrible about you as he is about his ex but in time that will fade as he finds someone else to focus his negative energy on. Once you've been out a few months you'll feel miles better. I was going to say 'you won't know yourself' but actually you will know yourself - you'll start to feel like the 'old you' from before he broke down your sense of self and understanding of what's normal and what's not.

Once you only interact with him occasionally, it will quickly become so clear how weird/easily triggered his hostile behaviour is and how differently he behaves from all the calm, friendly and normal people you usually interact with. You'll have a new certainty that it's not you 'causing' his behaviour because it won't make up a large part of your life anymore and you won't be feeling constantly on edge yourself.

Original poster
CoalShed · 03/03/2023 22:14

So the past two weekends have been awful. He’s been angry and we’ve rowed, he’s ranted and it’s ended with me in tears and questioning my sanity.

Today we were discussing money and I said it’s not fair that me looking after all the DC and doing all the housework etc isn’t seen as work yet the work he does on the house is. He said I disgust him and am showing my true colours. I told him to stay away this weekend. I can’t bear another weekend of him getting drunk and being horrible. I contacted the police and they were great, told me to lock the doors and call 999 when he came back.

He came back, I let his child in the front door and closed it. He always comes in the back door. He realised this was locked and so came to the front and bust the security lock off the door by shoving it hard. He then said he wasn’t leaving and that I should go. He ranted for 20 minutes, I left and called the police in tears.

Two male officers arrived. They said I could potentially leave the house, I said I wasn’t leaving without older DC and had nowhere to go where we could all stay. I said why would I leave because I was scared while leaving them there?! They decided ex DP didn’t have to leave because he had nowhere to go with his child. They left after an hour and he is still here. They said we needed to stay away from each other.

I’m just shocked and beside myself. He’s now ranting to his family and friends about how I tried to chuck him and his child out into the night and couldn’t.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 03/03/2023 23:18

Have you spoken to Rights of Women to get an occupancy or non-molestation order.

You need to do this urgently.

HowRatherGolly · 03/03/2023 23:31

Call yhe police again, its your house and police should deal with this better. Telling you to stay away from one another is the worst advice l have ever heard. Dont leave your home, your ex has n8 leg to stand on. Hopefully someone with better advice will be here soon.

OutDamnedSpot · 03/03/2023 23:34

This isn’t his house though, is it? It’s yours. It’s his problem where he goes, not yours.

Wait until he leaves. Change locks. Put all of his things outside. Call the police again if he gets aggressive. Explain this is not his house and you no longer consent to him being there.

(I have no legal training so this might be bollocks advice. Someone wise will be along soon)

monsteramunch · 03/03/2023 23:36

They decided ex DP didn’t have to leave because he had nowhere to go with his child. They left after an hour and he is still here. They said we needed to stay away from each other.

This doesn't sound legally correct if it's your house only, even if he usually lives there.

I would echo PP's advice and speak to women's aid or similar to see where you stand legally.

Sorry he's being so awful OP Flowers

Original poster
CoalShed · 03/03/2023 23:37

I’m just reeling, I couldn’t believe what I was hearing when the police suggested I go and leave my older DC there with him. I was just in tears for most of it. They said they wouldn’t normally leave without one of us being told to leave but they’d made an exception and if they got called back one of us would be arrested. I even told them I have a support work because of his EA.

OP posts:
Opentooffers · 04/03/2023 01:41

Did you actually tell the police that you own the home outright as that makes all the difference? Otherwise they may have wrongly assumed he owns it.
You've only had verbal agreements, so legally you don't have to give him a penny. It's a wonder he can't even pretend to be nice to you as basically he only has your goodwill to rely on the 30%. Don't mention about the 30% to others, the less people know, the less he has to fight it.
Sell the house, keep all of the money, consider it payment for damages to your MH. Move well away from him.

JimnJoyce · 04/03/2023 02:41

op did you tell the police the house belongs to just you?

HamBone · 04/03/2023 03:14

You need to get him out of your house, talk to a solicitor ASAP.

Re. The 30%. I’m torn on this issue. He’s a pig and you have to end the relationship, but from your description he did fairly significant work on the house? Fitting the kitchen or bathroom, for example? Work that would have cost you a fair amount if you’d paid someone else to do it and may have added ££££
to the house value.

It may not be legally enforceable but I can understand the dilemma.

crazyaboutcats · 04/03/2023 03:39

CoalShed · 12/02/2023 22:10

He’s not on the deeds or mortgage. There has been no legal agreement either way, we aren’t married.

I see you have more immediate issues at the moment, but to answer your initial question dont give him anything

You do not have to and it is not in your or your children's interest to do so. You will get no CM off him. It will not change his behaviour in anyway.

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