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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help. EA DP wants more than fair share of house after split

171 replies

CoalShed · 12/02/2023 22:03

DP and I have been together for 10 years with 2 DC. I also have DC from previous marriage who live with us.

He lived with us in my previous house and did quite a bit of work on it, he asked for a specific price for the work which I paid (10k). I made a profit when the house was sold.

I then used my equity to buy another house, also got a mortgage. I paid all the costs for tradesmen and materials and he also did a lot of the work (he’s skilled). The deal was that he would get 30% of the profit and me 70% if and when the house was sold. He pays a set amount every month to cover bills etc.

Fast forward and I cannot bear to be with him any longer, long story, he’s EA, angry and I have terrible anxiety when around him, he scares me.

I am selling the house and he is now asking for more money from this house (50/50) and more form the original house despite what we’d already agreed. he’s been telling lies about me to anyone who’ll listen, about how I’ve ripped him off, how I’m controlling (it’s the other way round) and how I’ve ruined his life.

I just feel scared, stressed and broken. I want him out but he says he had nowhere to go and no money without the sale of the house. I can hear him shouting on the phone about me downstairs to his sister as I type this.

OP posts:
Original poster
CoalShed · 12/02/2023 23:26

He’s now on the phone to his brother slurring on about all the things I’ve supposedly done to him. I went down to ask him to keep the noise down because he was talking loudly and slurring. He told his brother I’d come downstairs to have a go at him then told me to go away but has now lowered his voice a bit. I’m shaking with anger. I’ll see a solicitor tomorrow.

OP posts:
Original poster
CoalShed · 12/02/2023 23:28

Thanks for all the posts by the way 💐

OP posts:
Itisbetter · 12/02/2023 23:48

Do you have someone who could come and stay for the first week?

cherish123 · 13/02/2023 01:03

Even if he's paid you rent, he's not entitled to anything. It's not his house and you are not married. One of the advantages of not getting married, is that, on paper, you have no actual connections. Tell him to get lost. It's his fault he has not created any financial security. If you feel sorry for him, give him a token amount.

cherish123 · 13/02/2023 01:04

However, as he's being aggressive, don't give him anything.

CombatBarbie · 13/02/2023 01:50

CoalShed · 12/02/2023 22:10

Yes the house and mortgage are solely in my name

Well then you've nothing to worry about, u less he wants a lengthy legal battle. Sometimes not being married is favourable.

Kick him out, change the locks.

Grumpusaurus · 13/02/2023 02:02

Don't give the fucker a penny! Set the 30% aside for your children, as I bet he will try and con you with child support. Get the locks changed, pack up his stuff and inform the police that your ex partner is likely to kick off and you are scared. Call them the second he gets out of line.

Fraaahnces · 13/02/2023 02:27

Fuck him. He’s not legally entitled to anything. He’s basically a lodger. You just have to give him notice. Because he’s self-employed he won’t pay bloody maintenance, so don’t bother trying to be noble and pay him off. He’s a grub.

Aquamarine1029 · 13/02/2023 02:33

Op, please pull yourself together. This abusive piece of shit isn't entitled to anything. He's not on the deeds, mortgage, and thank fuck you're not married. Call the police and get him out of there and immediately change the locks. Don't give a single thought as to what lies he's telling people. It simply doesn't matter.

CheekyHobson · 13/02/2023 02:52

Lies, false accusations, bluster and acting the victim are the tactics these EA guys deploy very aggressively because they know they don't have a legal or moral leg to stand on.

They are just hoping if they are horrible enough about you and noisily aggressive enough about their 'rights' and your 'wrongs' you will become confused, be intimidated by the thought of other people judging you poorly, uncertain as to whether he will deploy physical violence as well as verbal and then just roll over and do whatever he wants.

Don't be intimidated. Stay calm and keep your thoughts to yourself, ignore him ranting to his own family (probably the only people who will accept his nonsense without question - after all, he only has one friend for a reason), get your rights clear with a lawyer and then swing into action with the above suggestions. Expect nothing from him and give him nothing more than you initially agreed to.

Zanatdy · 13/02/2023 07:30

Give him some money for a deposit to rent and first couple of months rent. Or work out what you’d pay a trademan for the work he did and give him that. Don’t see why you should sell your house and give him 30-50% when he’s not on the deeds. £700 a month is basically rent for living there. He’s not contributed to the mortgage. Let him get a solicitor if he’s not happy, and he will tell people what he wants to no matter what you do. Protect your kids future and don’t sell up

Zonder · 13/02/2023 07:36

He's lived cheaply off you. He would have paid more to formerly rent somewhere all this time. He has benefitted and it's not even like he did the work on the house as his contribution - you had to pay him!

He can sling his book. I reckon this is one time when changing the locks is a good idea.

Zonder · 13/02/2023 07:37

Sling his book? Maybe even his hook!

LemonTT · 13/02/2023 08:42

cherish123 · 13/02/2023 01:03

Even if he's paid you rent, he's not entitled to anything. It's not his house and you are not married. One of the advantages of not getting married, is that, on paper, you have no actual connections. Tell him to get lost. It's his fault he has not created any financial security. If you feel sorry for him, give him a token amount.

She already said she offered him a share of the house in exchange for work. If he has proof of that (it doesn’t need to be in writing) then he has a case.

Fraaahnces · 13/02/2023 08:44

I bet he doesn’t have proof. He just has empty words. He would probably convince his bully brother to say so, but nobody is going to believe these knobs. Especially when she has proof that she paid professionals for work.

Naunet · 13/02/2023 08:44

Has he said how often he wants the kids, or is money his first priority?

I honestly would be contemplating not giving him a penny, I wouldn’t want to pay my abuser, but I understand if you would rather give him what was agreed. First priority though is to get him out of the house, which the police should be able to help with. Do you have anyone who could come and stay with you for a week or so once he’s been removed?

Starlightstarbright1 · 13/02/2023 08:49

Say nothing till you have spoken to a solicitor.

You can call the police if he gets abusive. Womens aid are also really helpful

RedHelenB · 13/02/2023 09:20

He's paid £700 a month towards the house and bills and you had an agreement of equity split if he did skilled work on the house. So yes, you should pay him this and no more.

purpledalmation · 13/02/2023 09:23

The house is yours. If he put a large sum in to buy it he could claim that back, but he didn't. He did a significant amount of the work so he has to give you a bill for the amount, and you get it checked out with other builders to see if it's a fair amount, that you need to repay him.

That is all you owe him. He has been living with you rent free. Paying bills is the equivalent to a rent and bills he would have paid elsewhere to live, so apart from his financial contribution to the fabric of the house, he gets nothing. Talk to a solicitor. They will help you get rid of him. Don't be tempted to give in to him. Agreeing to giving him 30% does amount to a verbal contract that he may be able to enforce, but if it was done under duress then it won't be.

Reugny · 13/02/2023 09:30

He lived with us in my previous house and did quite a bit of work on it, he asked for a specific price for the work which I paid (10k). I made a profit when the house was sold.

I then used my equity to buy another house, also got a mortgage. I paid all the costs for tradesmen and materials and he also did a lot of the work (he’s skilled). The deal was that he would get 30% of the profit and me 70% if and when the house was sold

Child maintenance is a separate issue.

Kick him out by any means possible. Offer him 30% of the current house profits and nothing for the old house as you had no agreement for the old house.

If he took you to Court he would get that and unfortunately I know 2 cases where this has happened.

I also know cases where ex-partners just handed over some money as a percentage of the profit on the houses they did up together, which seems mad as there was no agreements, but it was to ensure that the other party had no legal come back. It worked.

Original poster
CoalShed · 13/02/2023 10:02

Thanks all. Yes the deal was 30% of the current house profits, sorry I’m not sure it that was clear. I woke up this morning still feeling shaky about last night and the situation in general.

He send me some weird drunken texts from downstairs in the middle of the night saying I should rent and that he’s not leaving as I’ll just refuse to sell the house. I won’t, I’m desperate to leave.

I’m on hold to refuge at the moment and have booked an appointment with a solicitor.

OP posts:
Reugny · 13/02/2023 10:33

OP if you refused to sell the house - as one person I know did - if he took you to Court you could be made to pay him off another way.

In other words he has no excuse not to move out as you aren't married and he isn't a joint owner of the house.

In addition if you really wanted to screw him over you would wait for him to start Court proceedings, put the house up for sale - remember house prices are falling - and then sell near the price you brought it for so there are no profits.

Keepingthingsinteresting · 13/02/2023 10:36

Hi @CoalShed . Hope you’re doing ok, this sounds horrible for you.
Hi isn’t on the ownership and does not have a tenancy, he is not entitled to live there or notice. Might be shit for him, but that’s the law and as he is being abusive to you and creating an unsafe environment for you and the kids there is not need to feel sorry for him. Tell him he needs to go by the end of the week. If you feel unsafe at all call the police and tell them you have broken up with your partner and he is reducing to leave and being aggressive- that’s what the shouting and threats are- and you are scared. They will help you.

worth also calling womens aid who can support you and point you to qualified lawyers to help with restraining orders etc if needed.

Re whether you have agreed to give him some money, then it will come down to evidence, but frAnkly also he will need to go to court to enforce his rights which if he hasn’t any money is unlikely. He is just hoping you will give him some money and trying to frighten you into doing so. If you do decide, after he is out of the house, then make sure you get a lawyer to draw up a waiver of any rights and claims at al before you pay him a penny.

Good luck & stay safe.

bjrce · 13/02/2023 10:53

Based on your updates - he has no entitlements on your property other than being a lodger.

If he is being abusive - call the police and get him removed. Pay him back his last months rent. You don't need to sell your home - change the locks as soon as he is removed.- You are being abused.

A similar thing happened my DB. He had an argument with his GF and she called the police to get him removed . When the police arrived she screamed and shouted for him to be removed from the apartment- the police asked who owns the property and my DB stated it was his home and they removed her instead. He never looked back.

The police advised him not to let her back in under any circumstance. He didn't.
When you are in a terrible situation sometimes its difficult to think clearly .

Get him out as soon as possible - this is a terrible environment for your children.