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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help. EA DP wants more than fair share of house after split

171 replies

CoalShed · 12/02/2023 22:03

DP and I have been together for 10 years with 2 DC. I also have DC from previous marriage who live with us.

He lived with us in my previous house and did quite a bit of work on it, he asked for a specific price for the work which I paid (10k). I made a profit when the house was sold.

I then used my equity to buy another house, also got a mortgage. I paid all the costs for tradesmen and materials and he also did a lot of the work (he’s skilled). The deal was that he would get 30% of the profit and me 70% if and when the house was sold. He pays a set amount every month to cover bills etc.

Fast forward and I cannot bear to be with him any longer, long story, he’s EA, angry and I have terrible anxiety when around him, he scares me.

I am selling the house and he is now asking for more money from this house (50/50) and more form the original house despite what we’d already agreed. he’s been telling lies about me to anyone who’ll listen, about how I’ve ripped him off, how I’m controlling (it’s the other way round) and how I’ve ruined his life.

I just feel scared, stressed and broken. I want him out but he says he had nowhere to go and no money without the sale of the house. I can hear him shouting on the phone about me downstairs to his sister as I type this.

OP posts:
landbeforegrime · 04/03/2023 04:19

what happened with solicitor and making a non mol / occupation order? the police regularly screw up and sadly are useless in this situation. I'd make a formal complaint when you've got head space just to try and prevent someone else going through this nonsense. they have grounds to arrest him already, the problem is if he doesn't give permission for his child to stay they have to go and then the police will need to really think about how they handle a homeless child on the street. easier for them to put it on you to let everyone stay there but he has no legal basis and is effectively trespassing/breaking and entering. it's not a civil matter as the police like to pretend and by breaking your door handle and forcing his way in he has already committed a criminal offence. you need a non mol. you need a marker on the house and you need him out. keep changing the locks and locking him out if needs be. keep calling the police and telling them there's an intruder. speak to the ncdv / women's aid asap and good luck.

user1492757084 · 04/03/2023 04:32

Don't leave your home. Have him removed. If and when you sell the house you could stick to your agreement. Seek legal advice as to how to have him removed.

Otherwise you could get in a couple of tennants for your safety and until you decide what to do.
If it is in the middle of no where, he will hopefully leave the area.

Duckingella · 04/03/2023 06:29

One of you would be arrested?;what have you done exactly?;you didn't break into the house,he did.

It's also solely your house so why have they decided he can stay?;id be following this up with a complaint to the police as they'd allowed an abuser back into your home.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 04/03/2023 08:29

I don’t understand-just call the police and tell them he won’t leave your home and you and your children are scared

Quartz2208 · 04/03/2023 08:36

I agree it looks like the police were working under the assumption it was both your house in which case what they did was correct. Call back tell them it is just your house in your name and you are not married

Blanca87 · 04/03/2023 08:50

Why wouldn’t you tell the police the house is yours? I get this is a complex situation but having him there is putting you all at risk? Why is still living there?

Blanca87 · 04/03/2023 08:51

*he

Original poster
CoalShed · 04/03/2023 09:18

Yes, I explained to the police that the house was mine and he wasn’t names on the mortgage. Their priority seemed to be his child rather than him (or me and mine) as his child is younger. He told them he didn’t want to leave his child with me (!) and it wasn’t fair to take his child off into the night to a hotel.

OP posts:
LexMitior · 04/03/2023 09:32

This situation is getting out of control. Bugger what is fair.

He needs to leave and you need to instigate that formally and with a solicitor. Do not think you are getting away easily out of this. This guy is very angry and you will need to deal with that. I get that you are vulnerable but in order to get him to leave you are going to have to make him leave, and that won't be nice. It is important that you don't fool yourself this guy will somehow turn into a better version of himself than the one you didn't want to live with. He is going to be worse.

The breaking of the door btw is violent. Get yourself a solicitor and start adjusting your mindset that this will be cheap, nice or quick. It won't, if anything, you seem to be downplaying it.

MoonGeek · 04/03/2023 09:40

This is crazy. What are they going to arrest you for? Surely they can arrest him for criminal damage to the back door? If he doesn't own the property and you don't want him there, he needs to leave. I would be putting in a complaint to the police about how they have handled this one. It sounds outrageous.

Original poster
CoalShed · 04/03/2023 09:41

This is what he did to the door yesterday evening.

Help. EA DP wants more than fair share of house after split
OP posts:
monsteramunch · 04/03/2023 09:44

You need to put in a complaint to the police re their actions on this, it's outrageous.

He's damaged your private property and subsequently refused to leave your private property.

They said they wouldn’t normally leave without one of us being told to leave but they’d made an exception and if they got called back one of us would be arrested.

It's against all policy to say that in a domestic dispute if they are called back one of you will definitely be arrested. Outrageous. And dangerous.

Is that definitely what they said? It so you need to make a complaint today and reiterate that you feel unsafe, it's your private residence in your name only and you do not want him on your property.

Then explore a non mol.

RandomMess · 04/03/2023 09:44

Speak to the local domestic violence unit at the police today (may have a different name). Go through what happened with them, that he refuses to leave, he is getting increasingly violent and threatening and he using his child as a deliberate excuse to not leave.

LexMitior · 04/03/2023 09:47

Well, you're being given a message. I would pay attention

Original poster
CoalShed · 04/03/2023 09:49

Yes that is absolutely what they said, they seemed to be intent on not taking sides and said they wouldn’t normally leave us together and it was only because of the children that they were. They said if they came back one of us would be arrested. The older guy was understanding and did a scope report (I think that’s what it was called?) which rates the danger to me. The younger guy was the worst, he looked about 21 and was completely unsympathetic. He even apologised at the end ‘If this seems harsh’ but said they deal with disagreements all day long.

OP posts:
MoonGeek · 04/03/2023 09:50

It just doesn't make sense. They asked you to leave a property you own so he could stay there. But he doesn't own it. What if he didn't let you back in? What if he trashes the place? How else could that situation escalate because the police asked you to leave?! It's madness. Well done for staying.

I would pursue it with the police/dv unit and do not leave until you have some clarity on what is going on.

LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 04/03/2023 09:51

MoonGeek · 04/03/2023 09:40

This is crazy. What are they going to arrest you for? Surely they can arrest him for criminal damage to the back door? If he doesn't own the property and you don't want him there, he needs to leave. I would be putting in a complaint to the police about how they have handled this one. It sounds outrageous.

I agree so much sith this. This needs to be a formal complaint. He broke into your house and refused to leave. He is violent and aggressive. He has no rights to be there. Wtf are the police playing at? Maybe next time tell them you are recording as it is clear they are supporting male violence against woman and children.

Bunnyishotandcross · 04/03/2023 09:53

When he leaves for shop or whatever lock the door. Get a locksmith to add more locks. Can his dc got to a friend or relative until he is arrested? Which if he attempts to break into your home when his dc isn't there should happen.. Different police from another shift may have a different approach..

LexMitior · 04/03/2023 09:56

I can explain the police's reluctance to intervene. If this you wanting him to leave and he won't, unless he's a criminal offender or there is a risk of a criminal offence, they won't.

Emotional abuse is not necessarily a crime either. You do need to take steps yourself, using this incident as evidence.

The police will be very reluctant to arrest someone in the circumstances you have described here. Whether it right or wrong, they do not know your emotional state either. You must take some steps yourself civilly if he really won't leave. Then, if he battering down the door he will be arrested and charged.

Comtesse · 04/03/2023 10:02

How horrible. I would complain to your local Police & Crime Commissioner about how they handled that last night. It is your house - he has no right to be there.

LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 04/03/2023 10:06

LexMitior · 04/03/2023 09:56

I can explain the police's reluctance to intervene. If this you wanting him to leave and he won't, unless he's a criminal offender or there is a risk of a criminal offence, they won't.

Emotional abuse is not necessarily a crime either. You do need to take steps yourself, using this incident as evidence.

The police will be very reluctant to arrest someone in the circumstances you have described here. Whether it right or wrong, they do not know your emotional state either. You must take some steps yourself civilly if he really won't leave. Then, if he battering down the door he will be arrested and charged.

He did break the door to get in though. He doesnt live there. This isnt his house.

Tiga2 · 04/03/2023 10:36

Did you get legal advice yet?

CrescentMoons · 04/03/2023 10:40

Phone the police and escalate the complaint - he needs to be removed and the locks changed. No married - get a locksmith in and change all the locks - all of them!!

Cherrysoup · 04/03/2023 10:51

It’s you4 house, your dp has no rights. Get the police back and tell them about the criminal damage to the door and that your dp has no right to be in your house.

monsteramunch · 04/03/2023 11:17

CoalShed · 04/03/2023 09:49

Yes that is absolutely what they said, they seemed to be intent on not taking sides and said they wouldn’t normally leave us together and it was only because of the children that they were. They said if they came back one of us would be arrested. The older guy was understanding and did a scope report (I think that’s what it was called?) which rates the danger to me. The younger guy was the worst, he looked about 21 and was completely unsympathetic. He even apologised at the end ‘If this seems harsh’ but said they deal with disagreements all day long.

This is appalling OP and you must make a formal complaint. Not only does it not follow procedure, they have put you at risk.

Please do make the call today to complain.