Escorts and transgender porn

[Jh3678]

I can’t actually believe I’m writing this but I’m hoping someone who has been through similar can offer some advice/support.

I have been with my husband for 7 years and we have 2 young children. He has always been protective of his phone but says he just likes his privacy and I’ve always respected that.
During the last few weeks, he has been very secretive with his phone and I knew something wasn’t right.

I looked on his phone one evening when he was asleep, and found…

1. the previous day he has paid for and visiting an escort for sex
2. he is subscribing and paying for various forms of transgender porn
3. he is messing transgender women on Grindr
4. he has lots of naked photos of himself on his phone, which I can only presume he is sending to some of these people

I confronted him and he admitted paying for the escort and sleeping with her. He denied the transgender porn/contact initially but has now admitted to that too. He said he just doesn’t feel like himself at the moment, doesn’t feel loved and that we haven’t got a great sex life (we average once a week but we both have very busy lives).

What on earth should we do?

He is a ‘traditional’ man and I don’t think he will willingly attend any form of therapy.

I always said if he ever broke the trust I’d have to leave but now I’m in that situation I don’t know what to do, leaving would turn my girls world upside down.

He's paid for sex with prostitute even though you're having regular sex. What's his justification for that? She's not going to have made him feel loved, is she.

He's a 'traditional' man but thinks cheating on his wife is ok?

'We' don't do anything. He does. He tells you what he's going to do to fix this.

He doesn't get to make a decision about therapy anymore if that's a dealbreaker for you.

What on earth should we do?

What do YOU want to do?

He's cheated on you and I'm guessing it won't be the last time.

How do you feel about it?

You have to kick him out. I don't see that you have any other option.

I would've lost all respect for him and wouldn't be able to look at him.

OP I know you're hurting and it's horrible to consider losing someone you love, but try and be objective here. There can't be many people for whom "partner having sex with a prostitute" isn't a total deal breaker. I mean, that's got to be the ultimate betrayal, surely. Cheating AND exposing you to significant STD risk - it doesn't get much worse than that.

can you spice things up this is about better communication

what am I reading? I tend to find myself on the liberal side of these debates but this issue is not about spicing up their sex life or communicating more… whatever that means. And as a “traditional” man I’m guessing he isn’t big on communication in any case. OP your DH is into transgender women… transgender women possibly with dicks. This is what he likes and fantasises about and I cannot imagine a therapist alive who can fix it. He might bury his preference for the sake of appearances but that is truly who he is… I’m sorry you two are not going to meet each others needs.

Having sex with a prostitute is quite different from an affair. Talk to him about what is missing in your sex life, can you spice things up, have sex more, what can you do to resolve the issue. This is about better communication.

FFS. It's not about better communication or about the OP needing to change to please her cheating husband or cater to his kinks. It's about the fact that her husband has deceived her, has chosen to buy another woman's body, and clearly has sexual interests which are not going to be compatible with a marriage to an actual woman.

What?! Her husband has paid for sex with another woman, but OP's response should be to spice up their sex life? My response would be to kick his sorry backside out of my life.

OP get out of this relationship. It will get worse.

This.

it does really matter from now on what he does he doesn’t respect vows or you or your relationship.

it’s not about him or why or therapy

it’s about you
you not standing for someone that abuses women
you not standing for someone who cheats on you
you not standing for a relationship where someone doesn’t adore you and want you

what would I do?

I would talk to a solicitor and file for divorce

Transgender porn is popular with men, probably as a fetish/taboo, it doesn't mean he likes men or is a transvestite himself, you need to be more open minded.

Give yourself time to just deal with the shock of this.

Ask him what he wanted to happen, what he was thinking.

There can't be a person alive who genuinely thinks that nothing would change if they had sex with a prostitute and their partner found out.

You are not just a piece of a relationship or a piece of a family, you are a whole person who deserves a life that makes sense. Your daughters deserve for you to be able to live with the life you are leading.

I don’t think a “traditional” man is hankering after transgender sex or photographing himself naked constantly. Sounds like he may be fronting as a traditional man and have always had these desires (or something like)

The female escort alone is one thing and maybe possible to work through if it has happened in a down patch or due to lack of want for sex on your end, that’s more understandable. But the transgender stuff is a whole other thing, he obviously has some complicated sexual desires. If he’s bi or whatever it is then whether he’s cheating or not he may have desires you will never be able to fill - that’s a bridge to far for me.

Transgender porn is popular with men

How do you know this, Lucky?

Paying for the use of a human's body for his own sexual gratification is despicable in my view and that is the only justification I'd ever need to end things.

The fact that there is also other stuff you are uncomfortable with and that is a breach of trust (the Grindr contact) is just the icing on the cake.

I’m sorry, OP. This must be a massive shock.

I think you ought to look at some of the posts of Tinsel Angel, she will show you what you may be facing, and you will find better advice and understanding than most people can offer.

I wish you a better life in future.

@Fairislefandango

No I agree. If he’s sought out a prostitute because she isn’t offering sex as much or isn’t fulfilling his needs, that can be worked through if they want and they can reach a compromise. Men have needs and it’s up to us to at least put in some effort to meet them otherwise what can we as wives expect? 🤷🏼‍♀️

I think it’s very unwise to neglect your husband sexual needs long term if you want to keep a good marriage and faithful husband.

I totally agree that he has sexual kinks which aren’t compatible with her though - that’s the bigger problem here. If he has these wants then he may well always chase them.

The transgender porn is a far bigger problem than the escort - the escort is just a woman he wanted for her body, but the transgender is more concerning.

The female escort alone is one thing and maybe possible to work through if it has happened in a down patch or due to lack of want for sex on your end, that’s more understandable. But the transgender stuff is a whole other thing, he obviously has some complicated sexual desires. If he’s bi or whatever it is then whether he’s cheating or not he may have desires you will never be able to fill - that’s a bridge to far for me

That's really interesting - I think I'm the exact opposite. I could potentially forgive an affair, could deal with a porn fetish that I found uncomfortable (I actually hate any porn to be honest) but my absolute red line is prostitution. I'd never ever be with a man who considered women to be disposable cum holes for purchase at will. Horrible.

Anyway, OP it sounds absolutely devastating. I really hope you can get through it and find a better life.

@Luckydip1

Agree. The transgender attraction is more concerning than him buying time with some woman’s body when he felt neglected or whatever

Men have needs and it’s up to us to at least put in some effort to meet them otherwise what can we as wives expect?

I'm sorry but this turns my stomach. You could expect men not to purchase the body of another woman, under any circumstances, for a start.

Honestly, he wants his cake and eat it too.

I don’t get the whole ‘many men love their wives but need more sex so pay for it’. What a load of tosh. Justifying the dishonesty with a ‘poor me’ story.

OP, a similar situation happened to a colleague of mine many year ago. She tried to be understanding to him and help him. It destroyed her slowly over time. He of course was just showing her who he really was. He never returned to the man she knew. Of course.

Lucky, OP doesn't need to be "more open minded".
In a relationship which from the outset has been sexually exclusive, OP is absolutely within her 'rights' to expect any deviation from this norm to be by prior agreement and informed consent. Her H has shat all over what they mutually agreed without a shred of integrity, and subsequently attempted to lie about it.
He has bought the body of another human being.

LTB. This is grim.

@YouWereGr8InLittleMenstruators ... as if a wife is going to agree to her husband seeing a prostitute!!!