Escorts and transgender porn

[Jh3678]

I can’t actually believe I’m writing this but I’m hoping someone who has been through similar can offer some advice/support.

I have been with my husband for 7 years and we have 2 young children. He has always been protective of his phone but says he just likes his privacy and I’ve always respected that.
During the last few weeks, he has been very secretive with his phone and I knew something wasn’t right.

I looked on his phone one evening when he was asleep, and found…

1. the previous day he has paid for and visiting an escort for sex
2. he is subscribing and paying for various forms of transgender porn
3. he is messing transgender women on Grindr
4. he has lots of naked photos of himself on his phone, which I can only presume he is sending to some of these people

I confronted him and he admitted paying for the escort and sleeping with her. He denied the transgender porn/contact initially but has now admitted to that too. He said he just doesn’t feel like himself at the moment, doesn’t feel loved and that we haven’t got a great sex life (we average once a week but we both have very busy lives).

What on earth should we do?

He is a ‘traditional’ man and I don’t think he will willingly attend any form of therapy.

I always said if he ever broke the trust I’d have to leave but now I’m in that situation I don’t know what to do, leaving would turn my girls world upside down.

Leave. You don't have to do it today but do start planning your exit. I completely understand how you feel about how a break up would affect your children but this isn't your fault. Your DH has a side to him that he has hidden from you. The man you married wasn't real, he was made up by the man sharing your home.

If your dh is unwilling to make any changes then nothing will change. Can you really trust him?

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way but it absolutely isn't your fault in any way. Take your girls and start again

@Yfront

I would put a casual affair where he was doing it mostly for sex and the thrill in the same bracket as seeing a prostitute personally. I’d struggle more if the affair was a really emotional one, that would be an even bigger insult. Don’t get me wrong, I’d be upset either way but I couldn’t get round him treating an affair as though she were a second wife (sincere conversation, her sharing deep emotions etc)

The transgender thing just seems like something he’s always gonna want. I mean if he’s seen a female prostitute at least that’s no reason to think he’s not attracted to you if your having sex again and make up, but the transgender porn would make me doubt he was actually fully attracted to me sexually. That would make things so weird.

I'm sorry this is happening to you, your head must be all over the place.

I know from my gay male friends that transgender porn is popular with gay men. Obviously most transwomen retain their dicks, so on Grindr it's much more common for gay men to search for hook ups with transwomen than with transmen (who obviously don't have the appendage gay men are keen on).

Are you sure that the escort your husband paid for is female? Has your husband talked about being bi or possibly gay?

Given his level of deceit, I suspect that this is something your marriage can't recover from.

Do you have friends or family you can call for support to help you get through today and process all this? Perhaps you can ask your husband to move out for a few days to give you time to think?

It might be worth you looking at the trans widows threads on the feminism board to see if you recognise anything about your husband's behaviour there. You will be given a very supportive welcome.

@Yfront

Well it’s true. I mean what if your husband put in absolutely zero effort to meet your emotional needs? Would you just happily stay with that? Or would you maybe find yourself attracted to someone who did?

Men see prostitutes because they see women as property to be bought.

They're having sex once a week. If he's not happy with that he should talk to his wife - not go and pay some poor vulnerable woman.

Buy yourself some time to think. Ask him to leave the marital home today. Find someone to talk to in real life. A therapist.

@Luckydip1

I do wonder if sex had waned. The transgender thing is a bigger concern.

I always said if he ever broke the trust I’d have to leave but now I’m in that situation I don’t know what to do, leaving would turn my girls world upside down.

It will turn your daughters' lives upside down if the ever found out you stayed with your cheating partner because of them.

You're not upsetting their lives. Their dad already did that when he payed (if you have joint finances then that's done with family money) to put his dick inside a woman, who he views as a commodity (he thinks buying women's bodies can be bought - nice father of daughters...). He could, of course, have just opened his mouth and told you he's having problems with your relationship. He chose his actions.

And in no way of turning this is it your fault that he made a decision! That's utterly ludicrous.

He had a problem (apparently).
He had options.
He took decisions independently.
Then he blames it on you.

You asked what "we" should do.

I'm afraid there isn't a "we". He already had no "we" when he was putting his penis in another woman.

If he's truly sorry, he'll move out to give you space. Basically anything else is just an attempt to manipulate and/or control you.

You have choices though. And remember each choice has consequences. If you choose to "let this go" then you're telling him that you didn't like it, but you can live with it. Can you? Really? If he doesn't answer his phone when he's out, will you have a little voice wondering if he's paying for sex again or will you just think he's getting some petrol?

Focus on what will make you feel good inside. Don't worry about what he or others will think. It's just you: do you want to accept this and live the the possibility that it happens again, or do you not? Where are your boundaries?

If he has a transgender fetish and is meeting with transgender escorts then you have to be aware that he is having sex with a male and fantasies about having sex with males.

Whether this is something you can tolerate in your relationship or not is up to you.

Honestly, if he is already doing this when your children are young - how is he going to stop and make things better? Its better for children if their parents split when young as they are more adaptable.

Exactly.
And he's risking his wife's health too.
Get checked for STDs, stop having sex with him and get that divorce started!

@Luckydip1 please have some empathy and stop saying this is the OP's fault.

If her husband is into dick then there's no way she can communicate better to fill that need.

OFGS she can't meet the needs of a transgender prostitute because she's not male.

Even if his fantasies are with females then the normal response in a loving relationship is not to pay for sex elsewhere.

Not that traditional if he’s paying for escorts, watching transgender porn and on grindr . If you want to pursue the relationship with him then tell him it’s the therapy or the road.

Pretty sure you just be on the wind up Luckydip. Or the husband? You are repeatedly blaming the OP for the husband paying to degrade another woman, and women in general for not giving the poor menz enough fanny.

I can't believe I'm reading this. You're either a bitter man or have time travelled from the 40s.

Have people missed that Grindr is a gay male hook up site? I think it's unlikely that the escort was a woman.

Yes it’s very different because it’s a man who doesn’t see women as humans, but as something he can pay to use. Did he check this woman (if it was a woman) wasn’t trafficked, or did he not care if he was raping her?

Hes clearly gay or at least bi, if you stay, this will be your life, he won’t change. Please don’t lower yourself to reward his disgusting behaviour by asking what you can do to please his sense of entitlement, as this person suggests.

@Yfront ...not at all, I'm just trying to give the OP a different perspective, it's not black and white.

OP - my sympathies and best wishes. I would advise getting STD test for yourself and discussing with trusted friends/relatives or a personal therapist - go find out what you want to do.

I know what my response would be (LTB - this is about him selfishly doing things to please himself without discussing it with you; breaking marriage vows AND exposing you to STDs). But you need to think about things for yourself. Something to think about might be - if this was your daughter/friend/sister, what would you advise them to do?

@ZoZoWatto
A married man can't go off having sex with other people and then blame it on his wife. That's absurd.
Men don't have an entitlement; they can pleasure themselves if they feel the need!
And it sounds like this guy is having sex with other men, so his wife is never going to be able to satisfy that inclination.

Your perspective is misogynistic and victim blaming though. Surely you can see that?