Escorts and transgender porn

[Jh3678]

I can’t actually believe I’m writing this but I’m hoping someone who has been through similar can offer some advice/support.

I have been with my husband for 7 years and we have 2 young children. He has always been protective of his phone but says he just likes his privacy and I’ve always respected that.
During the last few weeks, he has been very secretive with his phone and I knew something wasn’t right.

I looked on his phone one evening when he was asleep, and found…

1. the previous day he has paid for and visiting an escort for sex
2. he is subscribing and paying for various forms of transgender porn
3. he is messing transgender women on Grindr
4. he has lots of naked photos of himself on his phone, which I can only presume he is sending to some of these people

I confronted him and he admitted paying for the escort and sleeping with her. He denied the transgender porn/contact initially but has now admitted to that too. He said he just doesn’t feel like himself at the moment, doesn’t feel loved and that we haven’t got a great sex life (we average once a week but we both have very busy lives).

What on earth should we do?

He is a ‘traditional’ man and I don’t think he will willingly attend any form of therapy.

I always said if he ever broke the trust I’d have to leave but now I’m in that situation I don’t know what to do, leaving would turn my girls world upside down.

Op, I'm so sorry. This must be devastating.

I think you should go and get yourself tested for STDs asap. He has always been secretive with his phone. I doubt this was his first rodeo. it is possible he has been doing this from very early into your marriage. This wasn't a drunken one off mistake (not that that is an excuse). This is a behaviour that he goes back to again and again.

He may be bi/gay/who the hell knows. It is not your problem except insofar as it impacts you - any infidelity will do that. It isn't your responsibility to make him feel good about whatever his orientation is either. you don't need to be supportive. Is HE being supportive of your just feelings of utter betrayal?

Take your time, get yourself checked out, try to talk to someone in real life. This is a lot to process but the grim reality of what he has done to you and your marriage is going to hit you eventually.

Whatever his sexuality he's a liar and a cheat. First things first though you need an sti test

All tested - tests all sent off today.

My head knows the right thing to do but my heart hurts.

The home we live in he would have to stay as it comes with his job, so I’d be uprooted to the tiny house we own. Barely enough room for me let alone my 2 children and our dog!

Feels like a kick in the teeth!!

Would they definitely know he's not living there?

He should be the one relocating to the small house.

He can’t relocate - that isn’t a possibility.

I suppose it might be best if you & your children go into the owned/mortgaged house anyway, rather than the presumably rented/comes with the job one. It may be better in terms of an eventful settlement that you are resident there.

OP Please search under my username for my recent threads. I'm in work so can't write much now but I promise I will message you later. I'm going through similar, I think maybe we could keep each other company in this. I'm so sorry.

*eventual, not eventful

It's nothing to do in a lot of cases about the frequency of sex with the wife. It's variety they want the transgender porn thing is another form of that. They want a variety of sex life different hair colours , different sizes, ages but also want a wife and kids its very common. OP it doesn't matter if you had sex everyday they still would do it. They don't change generally it's a lifelong habit until they become too old to do it.

Yes please message me, I’m new to mumsnet but I’d love to talk to someone who can relate to this x

Gosh OP I am so sorry this is really really hurtful. Relationships can and do survive infidelity, but in order for the relationship to thrive it really does require both partner's participation. If he isn't receptive to therapy that seems to indicate he isn't receptive to acknowledging fault in the situation.

First thing's first... you need to assess whether you and your children are safe in this situation. Get checked for STIs and you should really stop having sex with him until you can ensure he is clean.

Is his ever violent or erratic? I've noticed the sorts of men that "refuse" therapy often are, is why I ask. If so, you may need to take a careful approach when discussing this as he may respond defensively. I suggest you do what you need to do to feel safe as you contemplate your options. It may mean gently asking him if he can go on a "work trip" for a week or so away from the kids just to give you some space to think. Or, it may mean not confronting him at all and confiding in a close friend or therapist.

Many men feel sexually attracted to trans women for the taboo nature of it. It's thrilling because its socially 'forbidden'. This doesn't mean he wants to up and leave you for a trans woman. That said, it also doesn't mean he's a great "traditional" husband as you say. Sleeping with transvestites, lying to you and paying for porn with your shared finances behind his back, risking your personal health. He's disqualified from the "tradition" husband category for now. Repentance, atonement and real re-commitment needs to occur before he will fit that label again. If he doesn't have remorse, he WILL reoffend so don't live in denial about that.

OP, for the sake of your children, take care of yourself. Seek therapy, if not only to ensure you're not living in denial and sweeping under the rug.

Many men feel sexually attracted to trans women for the taboo nature of it. It's thrilling because its socially 'forbidden'.

Not really.

Heterosexual men aren't, regardless of the taboo.

He must be gay or bi. Heterosexual men aren't attracted to other men, even if they've got implants and are styled like a clichéd female. They still have the cock and balls .... That's unacceptable/not get overable to heterosexual men.

MSM (men who have sex with men) wool claim they are heterosexual, but they are delusional... They are not heterosexual by orientation or action.

It doesn’t really matter who or what he’s doing or who with. The point is that he’s cheating on you consistently and repeatedly. That would be it for me.

I'm female and know it's not unknown for straight men to watch trans porn/fantasise about getting off with a be-dicked transwoman.

If he is bi, that doesn't mean he can't be faithful.

But he hired a prostitute for sex. I wouldn't suggest staying with him after that.

And all the messaging etc shows he wasn't going to stop at just the one incidence of infidelity and probably was going to do more stuff.

He will probably carry on/eventually go back to doing it, just more secretively.

It'd be over for me.

Some bi and gay men in denial go for trans because they can try to fool themselves that they're a type of woman. they'll hire them before a male prostitute. Helps with the delusion/denial.

Many men feel sexually attracted to trans women for the taboo nature of it. It's thrilling because its socially 'forbidden'.

No, this is just a cover story because they are in denial or want to deny it to other people.

As @Hamburger233 said
MSM (men who have sex with men) wool claim they are heterosexual, but they are delusional... They are not heterosexual by orientation or action.

I'm a woman who is only attracted to men and who has only ever had sexual activity with men. I could label myself as lesbian if I want to, it doesn't mean that I am 😂or that the category should be redefined with people saying that some lesbians are only attracted to and only sleep with men!

A lot of straight women watch lesbian porn. They're still straight.

I knew a bloke who was very straight and still had this fantasy.

@porridgeisbae
One theory behind that (which makes sense) is that regular heterosexual porn doesn't show the kind of sex that many women enjoy, and lesbian porn is more sensual and includes toys, foreplay etc. and focuses on female pleasure so many women watch for that reason imagining themselves as the one receiving the pleasure, the fact that it's another woman giving the pleasure isn't actually relevant because it's not about imagining the other person, unlike with how men generally view porn.

Also with that man you know you don't know that he was 'very straight'. You only know how he came across or what he said. Some gay men do appear to be very straight, but they're not.

I call bollocks to this. Average hetero males do NOT have a thing for men dressed women. This is often a first sign that your partner is about to announce they are trans. Or possibly they are gay and can't admit it to themselves. I have firsthand experience of this.

Average hetero males do NOT have a thing for men dressed women

Yep,

Most hetero men react with unfakeable discomfort and revulsion to trans "women" and transvestites.

They are not sexually attracted to them, do not want to watch porn with them in it (with the trans "woman's" penis and testicles flapping frantically up and down during sex on top, no matter how much makeup or lingerie that have on) and do not opt for trans prostitutes .. if they are punters; they use female prostitutes.

Those who behave like this are definitely not of a simple heterosexual orientation.

There is a vast amount of denial and bearding of this, even in this day and age however.

I once browsed a gay hook up sites out of curiosity and didn't get past two profiles before the "don't contact me between the hours of x and y; the wife doesn't know about this" cropped up.

There are lots and lots of gay and hi men, even now, who simply cannot accept - even to themselves that they are gay or bi and insist on all kinds of excuses and rationalisations and they it's normal for men to have sex with other men. They have been raised in the nuclear family model and they cannot even contemplate breaking out of it.

A lot of straight women watch lesbian porn. They're still straight.

Women have been proven to have a wider, looser, more varied reaction to pornographic material than men. Men tend to fit into "grooves" much more when it comes to response to visual sexual stimuli. Studies have shown this.

So it's much less significant than for men.

And as someone pointed out ... It's also possibly because women's pleasure and climaxes are perhaps more centred than in typical hetero porn - with little foreplay, two seconds of oral on a female (if at all), 10 mins of oral of the male and then hard banging and switch to anal until (fake) orgasm.

Anyway, watching porn is one thing; op's partner went way way past that.

If a woman not only watched lesbian porn, but also booked a female prostitute for lesbian sex, and joined sites for lesbian sex; would you think she was straight?

No. You'd think she was bi at least.

Btw, the delusion and craziness is really evident if you can stomach reading the trans prostitute reviews on UK punting.

These men will literally call the prostitute a girl and she and her while they are describing sex acts that could only be performed between two men; the punter giving "her" a blowjob, "she" put on a condom, "she" went in (anal) bareback without warning me and maybe "she's" on "Prep" but that's still not ok".

Which brings me to another point about the dangers of having a cheater/punter husband or partner who does so with transexuals/other men ...they're even riskier for STDs.

They are not partner material on any front.