Escorts and transgender porn

[Jh3678]

I can’t actually believe I’m writing this but I’m hoping someone who has been through similar can offer some advice/support.

I have been with my husband for 7 years and we have 2 young children. He has always been protective of his phone but says he just likes his privacy and I’ve always respected that.
During the last few weeks, he has been very secretive with his phone and I knew something wasn’t right.

I looked on his phone one evening when he was asleep, and found…

1. the previous day he has paid for and visiting an escort for sex
2. he is subscribing and paying for various forms of transgender porn
3. he is messing transgender women on Grindr
4. he has lots of naked photos of himself on his phone, which I can only presume he is sending to some of these people

I confronted him and he admitted paying for the escort and sleeping with her. He denied the transgender porn/contact initially but has now admitted to that too. He said he just doesn’t feel like himself at the moment, doesn’t feel loved and that we haven’t got a great sex life (we average once a week but we both have very busy lives).

What on earth should we do?

He is a ‘traditional’ man and I don’t think he will willingly attend any form of therapy.

I always said if he ever broke the trust I’d have to leave but now I’m in that situation I don’t know what to do, leaving would turn my girls world upside down.

Fwiw I also think - contrary to the batshit surrendered wife/incel posters ; that once a week of so for sex within a long-term relationship with kids is quite a lot.

A lot more than many couples in Ltrs with or without kids.

If someone is unhappy/unsatisfied with that (very regular, pretty active) sex life, they have masturbation ..... and they have speaking to their partner about their lack of satisfaction (though as above, someone in a long-term relationship having sex about once a week would be considered by many people to be unrealistic & unreasonable to be dissatisfied with that) and trying to change it .... And they have splitting up (never easy but) if it can't be changed.

They don't have going behind their partner's back and cheating on them with anyone, including prostitutes as a fair or reasonable "solution".

But the regularity of the sex life (which is actually very regular/active in my view) is not remotely the issue here anyway.

The sexual orientation and inclination of this cheating man (on both hookup apps, even if it's not in person so far - which we don't know for sure, and with sex workers) is the issue.

His wife can't meet his sexual inclinations - because she is female.

On the topic of trans sexual porn etc.
There is a big contingent of "open minded", kink oriented etc posters on MN who claim all sorts of things about the typical behaviour of heterosexual men ..... That I have never seen within the behaviour of heterosexual men I know.

They claim trans sexual porn is commonly used by heterosexual men; if it were, it would be on the main page, among the highest searched, highest watched and highest rated of porn videos on porn sites; it is not

It is a sub type, listed among fetishes etc on porn sites.

I think many men who are bi or gay, being still in a form of denial, watch transsexual porn because they cannot, or are not ready to, be someone who watches gay porn. Because that would "mean" they are bi or gay. And to them, they are not. So they go for a half way house where the men are presented as women/partly as women.

There is also just a kink around a person who is (apparently) a mix of both sexes too, of course. But I don't know any heterosexual men who have that kink. They tend to be thrown and extremely uncomfortably and turned off by it.

I've noticed that the men who use trans sexual prostitutes reviewing them on UK punting also persist on refering to them and creating an entire illusion of them being female "the girl", "she," over and over - even as they are describing "her" putting a condom on, or "'her" penetrating them with "her" dick. Or performing oral sex on "her" dick. It is always "this girl.... Blah blah". It is almost comical to read.

I can only presume that, again, they cannot see themselves as gay or any permutation of gay and so this farcical pretense and "halfway house" had to be pursued.

They are not fully heterosexuals men .... No matter what "open minded" posters on here claim or what the MSM ("men who have sex with men" while claiming they are heterosexual) claim.

If you want and have sex or sexual interaction with other men, you are by definition, not heterosexual.

I've also seen men's reactions to a trans sexual performer while working in a strip club (one that had female, male & one transvestite/transsexual performers) ..... You can tell the difference between discomfort & being aroused or intrigued ..... And discomfort and being turned off; and it was the latter in all cases except one man who had a trans "girl" friend.

And if it was such a common orientation or fetish, why did the club only employ one transsexual out of dozens of people .... And struggle to get any enthusiasm to their performance (?)

As an update I spoke to him again and he said that he has been using Grindr for about a year, he has deleted it and re downloads it frequently. He doesn’t want to use it but he can’t help himself 😔

I can’t tell you how shocked I am by all the stuff he has revealed - I’m trying to be supportive and I’ve explained that who he is attracted to isn’t a wrong thing but it isn’t compatible with me.

Can we PLEASE stop using the word woman, to describe a fully intact male in a dress?

And stop the mental gymnastics, which would be needed to believe that heterosexual men want to interact sexually with such men, or for that matter any men.

If you really think like this, then ask yourself (if you are a straight woman), whether you would happily have sex with a woman just because she wore a man's suit. It's ridiculous.

Anyway, Op, my guess is that you will take some time to make a definite decision, as your life has been turned on it's head. Rarely do people leave on day 1 of such discoveries. It took me 4 years to leave my cheating husband. Slowly but surely, over time, I gathered the strength and resolve. But leave him you must. There can't be any coming back from such a hideous betrayal. Add to that the fact that he's either Bi or in the closet.

I think many men who are bi or gay, being still in a form of denial, watch transsexual porn because they cannot, or are not ready to, be someone who watches gay porn. Because that would "mean" they are bi or gay. And to them, they are not. So they go for a half way house where the men are presented as women/partly as women.

Yes, that was my thought.

I’m trying to be supportive and I’ve explained that who he is attracted to isn’t a wrong thing but it isn’t compatible with me.

Trying to be supportive.... To someone who's been cheating on you - at the very least "digitally" with men on Grindr, and at least once physically cheated on you .... Fuk me women really are conditioned to be "kind" at all times and to everyone - even when they've been subjected to a massive betrayal by that person.

He has done wrong. he's cheated on and betrayed your trust, and risked your health; his orientation is something separate from that.

Being bi or gay doesn't necessitate cheating. It necessitates being honest & leaving, if you don't want to have only heterosexual sex.

he has been using Grindr for about a year, he has deleted it and re downloads it frequently. He doesn’t want to use it but he can’t help himself

He is clearly gay or bi and should not have entered into a monogamous heterosexual relationship.

He is also a cheater & liar (and if course the only proven physical cheating is with a female) ....m and should not be in an exclusive, monogamous relationship with anyone.

His use of prostitutes, who are often extremely vulnerable and would not be choosing that as a job had they any other true options (often run by gangs too) is another deeply immoral side to his character. Maybe he doesn't know .... Cause he doesn't want to know.

who he is attracted to isn’t a wrong thing but it isn’t compatible with me.

Well you're fairly certain the prostitute he cheated with is a woman; so he's actually just a cheater, who thinks he's entitled to extra/varied sexual partners .... (As well as probably being bi).

Stop with the being kind and supportive and trying to understand him.

He has for a long time been paying to have sex with prostitutes and using hook up sites and porn. He's cheated on you multiple times, put your sexual health at risk and is using family money to pay for all this.

Is this not a dealbreaker for you in terms of your relationship? If it isn't, I think you need to raise your standards.

While it's possible cheaters get complacent & arrogant and don't hide things well, it seems like he's been particularly sloppy at covering his activities recently (?) so I think it's possible he wants caught and wants out.

But he had to have you end things and throw him out, so he didn't have to be the one who walked out. Things will no doubt be twisted in any narrative about the marriage breakdown & family break up.

You should not try to be supportive OP.

This is not about someone being bi-sexual, it is about the fact is that he cheated on you repeatedly while you were in a monogamous relationship and lied to you about his sexuality.

He should have been honest with you about his attraction to men. Some people might be happy in open relationships but that this needs to be discussed and agreed upon from the start.

It is perfectly reasonable to say that you don't wish to stay with someone who cheated on you and that you want a monogamous relationship.

Why in the ever loving fuck are you being supportive?? He is a disgusting cretin who has put your health at risk to satisfy his own needs....get angry!!!

I bet it's not the first time, only admitting to the one time you have found out about! I'd tell him to sling his hook and go get tested for Stds

I'm afraid you really do need to leave him OP, because it sounds as though he's on the 'traditional manly man to brave n stunning transwoman pipeline'. He has an ingrained fetish and if you put up with this then he'll be emboldened and by this time next year he'll have adopted the female version of his name, be wearing your clothes and badgering your daughter to go make up shopping with him. And you'll have been pushed to the brink of insanity, with your mental and physical health destroyed.

Kick him out whilst the going's relatively good.

He needs to go.

You really don't have to be understanding or supportive of a liar and a cheat.

It looks like he's trying to get you to feel sorry for him and his sad sausage. Don't.

Men watching trans porn isnt gay, in fact apparently its pretty common for "straight" women to get off to lesbian porn which is even more gayer lol

@TicketBoo23 men who are attracted to trans women can still be straight, in fact I think women who claim to be "straight" but get off to lesbian porn are more gay. At least if a man wanks over a trans woman it still has a female body

''@User3939393 · Today 15:25
Men watching trans porn isnt gay, in fact apparently its pretty common for "straight" women to get off to lesbian porn which is even more gayer lol''

Here comes the teenage troll.

Gay, bi, straight whatever, he is a liar and a cheat and I would throw the arsehole out.

You again. Have you nothing else to do, you pathetic sad sack.

Thanks for everyone taking time to offer advice.

I am totally heartbroken, I know from an outside perspective it’s easy to say leave but the reality of that is so painful, our children are very young, I can’t imagine not being here with them every bedtime.

I would love to try and make this work with him, but I just don’t know if that’s a possibility. I guess I know it’s probably not, but I wish someone could tell me it is an option 😢

I would love to try and make this work with him, but I just don’t know if that’s a possibility. I guess I know it’s probably not, but I wish someone could tell me it is an option

It isn't unfortunately.

He's a cheater.
He buys sex from prostitutes.
He also a kink that you can never fulfil. And most often if men take a step down that path, they do not want to turn back.
He's telling you he can't help himself, so he's trying to make out it's some kind of addiction, or perhaps it's no longer just a kink, but a full on fetish.

I would imagine that what you've found out is just the tip of the iceberg and he has many more secrets and has probably got up to a lot more than you know.

You deserve so much better. You said you're totally heartbroken (understandable) but this man will break your heart time and time again if you stay with him.