Escorts and transgender porn

[Jh3678]

I can’t actually believe I’m writing this but I’m hoping someone who has been through similar can offer some advice/support.

I have been with my husband for 7 years and we have 2 young children. He has always been protective of his phone but says he just likes his privacy and I’ve always respected that.
During the last few weeks, he has been very secretive with his phone and I knew something wasn’t right.

I looked on his phone one evening when he was asleep, and found…

1. the previous day he has paid for and visiting an escort for sex
2. he is subscribing and paying for various forms of transgender porn
3. he is messing transgender women on Grindr
4. he has lots of naked photos of himself on his phone, which I can only presume he is sending to some of these people

I confronted him and he admitted paying for the escort and sleeping with her. He denied the transgender porn/contact initially but has now admitted to that too. He said he just doesn’t feel like himself at the moment, doesn’t feel loved and that we haven’t got a great sex life (we average once a week but we both have very busy lives).

What on earth should we do?

He is a ‘traditional’ man and I don’t think he will willingly attend any form of therapy.

I always said if he ever broke the trust I’d have to leave but now I’m in that situation I don’t know what to do, leaving would turn my girls world upside down.

Thank you everyone for all your helpful comments (I’m overlooking the ones where it’s mentioned maybe I should be more kinky to satisfy him 🙄).

Just to add I know the escort was a woman, but that doesn’t really make a massive difference to me.

I am liberal and have nothing to object to regarding transgender porn etc ( all the women I saw were pre op, so have a penis) but this is obviously not something that I can ever satisfy him with.

I feel like he is a different person to the one I thought I knew.

However, I also quite weirdly feel sorry for him as I think he has some demons in his head and hasn’t addressed this.

I know I shouldn’t feel sorry for him but I still care for him.

I think I know deep down I’ll never trust him again and that I need to leave, but it’s so difficult.

First thing to do is get STD tests.

Then make your plans to leave. Do not let your DDs be brought up in this awful situation. It is not your fault, it is his.

Yeah I agree with this, you really need an STD test OP, especially as he’s been on gay hook up sites.

You leave him, that is what you do.

He cheated on you, paid for sex, put you at risk of STIs and is now finding excuses for it and trying to blame you.

Why would you want anything more to do with a man like that?

The OP needs to be more open minded?

Her husband is paying for sex but no, the problem is not that but the OP's response to it.

Christ on a bike.

I’ve got all the STI tests here to do and send off - thank you, so all covered on that front.

I found out a week ago and he has been living somewhat seperate since (we have a seperate property where we live he has been using) but he has still shared time with the girls whilst I am here.

I guess I have been shocked and burying my head this last week and now realise I need to decide what to do.

Are you actually shitting me?

What a disgraceful comment.

This is not about the OP needing to spice up her sex life, it's about the OP's husband completely disrespecting her and all women, putting her health in grave danger and him making it clear that family life means absolutely nothing to him.

The fact that he has numerous nude images of himself on his phone and that he has been messaging various transwomen on Grindr suggests to me that he has probably already been unfaithful multiple times. He's not taking all those photos for nothing, and if there's quite a few of them then presumably they were taken over a period of time.

To be clear, Grindr is not a sweet dating app where people just 'chat'. It's all about quick meet-ups for getting off, so he could have been hooking up in his lunch hour, on his way to work, on his way back from the shops etc.

This is so much for you to process OP, please get some real-life support.

Was the escort definitely female? Or is that a presumption people are making here?

The escort was female, I managed to find her page on adultwork.com when I looked on his phone

I'm so very sorry.

I'd be absolutely disgusted and furious at his betrayal.

There would be no coming back about it as he's more interested in his dick than being a good husband and father.

I'd expect any grown man to have more control over his dick than a horny teen boy. Deeply unattractive and grim.

Also you can know that whatever he's admitted to is only a drop compared to what he's actually done and not telling you.

He needs to go.

I've not read everything yet, but this stands out.

He blamed you. He says it was your fault he saw a prostitute and fucked them. Like he has no autonomy. This is because he's a lying, cheating twat. He's not sorry he did it, he's only sorry he got caught out. Gather up every single scrap of your dignity and self esteem and get him to fuck.

As for those saying the op needs to spice up their sex life, wtaf?

Massive problem though with the transgender aspect - the op from what we can tell is a gender female biological woman, what her DH appears to be attracted to is trans women, many of whom will be "fully intact". With the best will in the world the op isn't this....

No amount of talking will resolve the issue with the OP not being what the OP's H is finding sexually attractive.

Sex hadn't ground to a half though. Once a week is not a halt.

And even if sex does grind to a halt, if you're in a committed monogamous relationship, it doesn't give you the right to what anybody else, paid or not.

I call incel

Yes. Misogynistic and total lack of understanding of what marriage means. It does not mean the wife becomes a glorified sex toy for a man's pleasure.

@Luckydip1 I don't know what your agenda is - I wonder if you're a gay man in denial, trying to explain your own difficult situation. But you are being very unhelpful.

If a sex life is lacking, then the person who is unhappy should speak to the other person about it first, not go out and pay a stranger for sex. If you can't understand that then your moral compass has been seriously messed up.

And trying to make a distressed OP feel that it is in some way her fault that her husband stuck his penis in some random woman's vagina (or maybe a man's anus, we don't know) is just twisted and nasty.

I'm baffled at what kind of sad world you live in.

Sorry OP just seen it was a woman escort. But the rest of my post still stands.

You cannot buy consent so IMO your husband is a rapist. You need to set an example to your children, that this kind of behavior is not acceptable and you also need to find respect for yourself. I doubt this is the first time he has done this, nor will it be the last. Men like him need to find more and more shocking content in order to get off, vanilla sex with his partner will never satisfy him.

If I were you OP I would be going to get STI checks, who knows how many times he has done this.

ODFOD! Fuck that with the pp blaming shite, it's only happening because she's not 'spicy' enough? Again bugger off with the othet posters and the sympathy for him as he's not getting the sex he wants from op so of course he has to get it elsewhere poor lamb..

Once a week is the average for couples so it seems most men can cope with that or less ( not all people are in a relationship)