Escorts and transgender porn

[Jh3678]

I can’t actually believe I’m writing this but I’m hoping someone who has been through similar can offer some advice/support.

I have been with my husband for 7 years and we have 2 young children. He has always been protective of his phone but says he just likes his privacy and I’ve always respected that.
During the last few weeks, he has been very secretive with his phone and I knew something wasn’t right.

I looked on his phone one evening when he was asleep, and found…

1. the previous day he has paid for and visiting an escort for sex
2. he is subscribing and paying for various forms of transgender porn
3. he is messing transgender women on Grindr
4. he has lots of naked photos of himself on his phone, which I can only presume he is sending to some of these people

I confronted him and he admitted paying for the escort and sleeping with her. He denied the transgender porn/contact initially but has now admitted to that too. He said he just doesn’t feel like himself at the moment, doesn’t feel loved and that we haven’t got a great sex life (we average once a week but we both have very busy lives).

What on earth should we do?

He is a ‘traditional’ man and I don’t think he will willingly attend any form of therapy.

I always said if he ever broke the trust I’d have to leave but now I’m in that situation I don’t know what to do, leaving would turn my girls world upside down.

Yes it does, it means exactly that - he’s into men.

Definitely a wee bloke

Feeling bitter about something, Lucky?

@LuckyDip1 & @ZoZoWatto No idea what your agendas are, but your total lack of empathy and the complete blame of the OP is neither helpful nor warranted.

It must be lovely sitting in your ivory tower living your perfect life.

Your 'advice' is not helpful so try to have some compassion for goodness sake.

Oh dear

can you ever trust him again? That would be it for me. The end of the relationship. It seems like he has a lot of suppressed stuff going on and the finger pointing at ‘not enough sex’ is just him trying to displace the blame for his horrid deceitful behaviour. This is not your fault. Even if you had more sex with him the fetish internet linked stuff and unfaithful prostitute sex would continue as they are strongly interlinked and a behaviour that he has clearly repressed. I suspect the traditional man image is a well honed front.

To all the Mumsnet regulars- remember it’s half term in some parts of the country.

OP - could you ever really get yourself into a headspace where being intimate with your husband didn’t give you the absolute ick? What do you think staying in such a relationship will do to you over the long term?

You are not to blame here. You have found out what type of man your husband is. He has managed to lie to you for years.

Oh do fuck off handmaid 🙄

I don't understand how traditionalism stops you from attending therapy but doesn't stop you from the other stuff, and I'd be asking him to explain that one.

Some grotesque posts here. There is no getting over this. Your husband has just torpedoed your marriage. Seeing an escort is worse then an affair in my eyes.

I've reported Lucky and Zozo. No one can really be that awful... Please god

I was thinking incel

Dear god- your posts make me recoil in horror. You must have very low self esteem and very low standards to believe it is ok for a man, never mind a married man, to behave in this way.

I've reported too. @Jh3678 , maybe worth starting a new thread. FWIW, you're husband is a cheating bastard and I'd be flinging him out.

What on earth should we do?

I don't know about him, but my advice to you would be run for the hills.

He had a tongue in his head, if he was so unloved & lonely he could have spoken to you.

He made a choice not to do that, but to hire a prostitute instead. What a guy.

Good god!
Go and have a think about what you've said.

This thread is a bit fishy 🐟 .

Divorce him.
I'm in the process. My soon to be ex was caught messaging crossdressers/tvs a decade ago. Said he'd stop/change etc. Found out recently for the last 3 years he's been sleeping with a variety of both. I wouldn't wish this on anyone.

1. transgender and transvestite are not the same
2. no, OP does not have to be more open minded
3. he's paid for sex elsewhere.

Firstly, sounds like @Luckydip1 is a man who himself pays for sex. With that attitude, I can see why he'd only get laid if he pays for it.

Secondly, OP, surely it's more likely that the escort is a transgender woman? (Even if your husband denies it.)

You are right. Having sex with a prostitute is different to an affair. It's so much worse. He thinks so little of women that he's prepared to pay to use her body. He's a rat. Get an STI test and get rid. You won't have done anything yo upset your girls. He has already done that

So fed up with men on these boards. Eff off back to Reddit!

OP paying for sex with a prostitute and numerous porn + going on dating apps is just way too much as a massive disrespect to you and your two young children. I've had many issues with my DH and people always tell me to leave him and I can really sympathise it's just not that easy with two young kids because like you I don't want to turn my kids life upside down. However, his action really do merit for him to be left, because you are having regular sex yet felt the need to go and sleep with someone else that is cheating at all costs. I would also suggest you do a health check given he's sleeping around. You need to leave him OP, there is 0 zero to pay anyone for sex when your getting sex at home. This is not a " I wasn't feeling myself lately" he is intentionally doing those things because he wants to. Sorry again OP

Thank you!

They're disgusting!

Ignoring the two very odd posters on here…..OP, I’m sorry this has happened to you. You’ve obviously had a massive shock. He has a separate life, a separate side to him, that you knew nothing about. That’s devastating. I would also suspect this is just the tip of the iceberg. Get him to leave for a few days (you can make up some story for the dc) and get some breathing space. Then, I would give him ONE CHANCE and one chance only to be totally honest with you about what the actual fuck has been going on. That way, you will know what you are dealing with. Not so you could forgive him, but I would need all the facts to get closure. I’m the last one usually to shout LTB but honestly, the level of deceit he has shown is massive. Honesty is obviously not his policy and I don’t think you will believe him, trust him or respect him, ever again……