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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What's the proper way to handle not liking someone's cooking?

244 replies

Alasia1983 · 09/02/2023 18:21

Apologies if this is a bit petty, but I'm trying to work out whether my partner was being rude or whether actually, he handled it well and I'm taking offence for no reason!

We got home at 5pm today due to traffic (we usually eat at 5) and I started straight on with the chicken and rice/stir fry thing I had already planned on making.

I don't usually cook as I have severe anxiety and so he usually does it, but this time I felt confident enough to try.

By 5.30 it was ready and I was pleased it was all cooked, the chicken had hit the right internal temp, it looked slightly weird as I put eggs in it too (kind of an egg fried rice thing) and they didn't really clump up, just covered everything in tiny white bits, but me and my children ate all of ours with the children saying how nice it was and that they wanted it again - they're autistic and quite fussy eaters, so this was a win for me!

My partner ate stony faced, in silence (not actually unusual for him in fairness) and got up with his half full plate, scaped it into the bin and went upstairs.
He does usually just disappear after he's eaten until its time for him to hoover, but I felt embarrassed as he'd thrown so much food away.

Next time he was in the room I said "it's a shame you didnt like the meal, the children said they liked it a lot". Silence.
I said it again as he came back into the kitchen and he just looked at me then walked out again.
I told him its rude to ignore and he said "I don't know what you want me to say. I didn't like it".

I asked why and he said it was "clumped together and not very tasty".
I completely disagree as the rice was one of those pouches anyway so wasn't stuck together and I could taste the individual elements. I followed a recipe and used their advice for amounts of soy sauce etc and was actually quite pleased with the taste.

The thing is, he always says this kind of thing when I cook (which is very rarely). I always take offence but I wonder whether I'm being silly? I didn't expect a gold star or anything but he was so...cold about how much he didn't like my food and I ended up feeling stupid and embarrassed.

Was it me, or was he a bit insensitive?

OP posts:
Lindycg · 10/02/2023 17:28

Your interpretation is so different to mine - I saw that this lady wanted to do something for her family which took her out of her comfort zone, and asked DH for feedback (let's face it his action was pretty unpleasant).

pinkyredrose · 10/02/2023 17:28

MysteryBelle · 09/02/2023 19:49

A sweet husband will be polite and not complain. Your h didn’t complain but obviously felt the food was terrible. And after you kept after him about it, he finally told you he didn’t like it. His behavior leaves a lot to be desired. That said, would you like a bit of advice?

Have you considered learning how to cook well? I didn’t know how to cook at first but learned over the years. It made a huge difference to my family when I learned to cook very good dinners that they really like. Not dinners I want to cook for only myself, but that my family will like too. I kept wanting to make vegetarian dishes because that’s what I liked. My family loves big slabs of meat. So, I made an effort to include their particular likes and they are now all very happy and so am I.

My husband tells me if he doesn’t like something and I’m glad he does, because otherwise I wouldn’t know. In fact I ask my family to give me feedback. I also give him feedback when he cooks.

The famous cook Marcella Hazan would get critiqued by her husband every night and that’s how she got so good. So don’t take it personally. Take it as a challenge. I think you’ll notice his mood and attitude improves at least to a degree. If it were me, that’s what I’d try instead of guilting him into eating chicken with egg on it then expecting an apology. I wouldn’t eat enjoy that either. But then I don’t like egg in chicken and rice dishes. Be thoughtful of your family’s likes and dislikes.

Now if he’s basically a jerk all the time then that’s another matter. But try this and see what happens.

Ffs seriously?

OP he's a miserable wanker, please do your children a favour and get rid of him.

How can you bear to have sex with him. He's treating you with contempt, can't you see that?

nickelbabe · 10/02/2023 17:30

Autistic reaction (having not gone through appropriate scripts in head)
"My god! That's disgusting!"
Followed by "shit, sorry, I didn't mean to be rude about it, but I don't like it."

Eating in stoney silence with a face like thunder and then fucking off to rub it in is abusive and deliberately nasty.

DH does a lot more cooking than me because he can be arsed to do it.
if I cook something and it's not nice, he would still thank me for making the effort.

Throwing the food away in front of you, despite knowing that you and the cchildren are enjoying it is cruel and malicious. "I don't like it, do you want to finish mine and I get something else?"

Your egg technique was wrong "have you used egg?"
"yes, i was trying egg-fried rice"
"Ah, okay, thecorrect technique is to cook the egg first - scramble or omelette chopped up - and then add to the rice. If you do it like this, it just curdles."

Etc.
No accidental reaction includes sitting in stony silence and then fucking off.

All of your other comments lead me to conclude that he's emotionally abusing you and he's therefore a bastard.

BessieSurtees · 10/02/2023 17:31

@MysteryBelle are you for real 🙄

MarkWithaC · 10/02/2023 17:32

Have you considered learning how to cook well?
Have you considered fucking off?

LanternsInSight · 10/02/2023 17:37

JaneJeffer · 09/02/2023 18:31

That dinner sounds horrible but he could have thanked you for cooking anyway!

This. I think it was a bit much of you to insist the kids liked it and went on about it but the silence treatment is out of order, does he have form?

On a different note, beans on toast is nice, maybe your mum made more of an effort in her cooking? It sounds like you don't know how to cook, don't cook often and if you do make rice boiled in bags etc, which is not very tasty.

Maybe your partner feel like you are not making an effort, is he the one who normally cooks?

shockthemonkey · 10/02/2023 17:41

Your DH sounds strange and unpleasant.

As an aside, do you work together? I got fixated on why you're both getting home at the same time, and that 5pm is late to be getting home and that you eat so early - although the 5pm dinners may be for the DCs' benefit.

Also, he has a set hoovering time each day? That's unusual. I had a friend whose husband dragged the hoover out daily, and it drove her crazy. At the time I though how lovely, but they split over his OCD and I do recognise now that it was slightly strange behaviour.

shockthemonkey · 10/02/2023 17:41

thought

cooldarkroom · 10/02/2023 17:48

I hope you are living in your own house & he can leave & be a rude tosser elsewhere.
What kind of example is this for your DC, they must walk on egg shells around his unpleasantness

CryInToYourCornflakesNicola · 10/02/2023 17:48

Alasia1983 · 09/02/2023 18:30

So, just so I can get an idea of what's 'normal', if you didn't like something your partner cooked or vice versa, what would you say or do?

Show quote history

It usually goes

Heres dinner, a new thing I'm trying. Let me know how you like it.
We eat as much as we can stand/the lot depending.
DP says that was nice, can we have it again when my sister comes, or sweetheart, I dont think I like this as much as your shepherds pie, maybe dont keep the recipe.
Thanks for cooking.

Your DP is an rude and ungrateful twat. I suspect if you got rid of him, your anxiety would lessen considerably.

CactusPeach · 10/02/2023 17:50

Your step-dad isn’t unusual, that’s how myself and my partner would be to each other, and how my 13 year old son is, regardless of whether we liked the food we not. My other two kids less so, but they wouldn’t be as cold as it sounds like your partner was.

Your observation on how your partner is with you sometimes vs the neighbours reminds me a lot of my ex, it felt like he could be joking and smiling with other people vs look straight through me coldly. Our relationship was emotionally abusive.
The fact he can choose when to be social and when to be cold and with who, shows you it’s a choice.
It’s especially off that he didn’t apologise or offer any reassurance or affection after knowing your feelings were hurt when he knows you have an anxiety about cooking.

Btw I think other people have already mentioned it but for fried rices with egg you want to scramble the egg in a separate pan and when it’s solid mix it in with the rice and veg.

Led9519 · 10/02/2023 17:50

“My dw has severe anxiety, I usually do the cooking. We had planned a chicken stir fry but when we got home my wife started to cook it. She tried to follow the recipe but it didn’t turn out very well and the texture was all wrong. I tried to eat what I could but really didn’t like it. I put mine in the bin but didn’t mention it. She then kept asking me what I thought of the meal, I didn’t want to say anything but after following me round the house I confessed I didn’t like it. Turns out she got upset and posted a thread on mumsnet about it all and now everyone is calling me a knob.”

Just trying to see it from his perspective.

Backstreets · 10/02/2023 17:56

He sounds rude, unpleasant and ungrateful.

Livinginanotherworld · 10/02/2023 18:00

This is not about the cooking, it’s about emotional abuse……It’s no wonder you have anxiety op, living with an abuser is totally draining, it’s become your normal. He sounds a thoroughly nasty man and you deserve better. Do some serious thinking about whether this is how you want your life to be, it doesn’t have to be this way.

Wdib78 · 10/02/2023 18:01

He's a knob, I wouldn’t cook anything for him again, just make it for you and the kids.

It can't be as bad a fish soup I made about 20 years ago, was terrible, I couldn't eat it, had to ask my DP to get rid of it, in the bin, couldn't risk the cat eating it, my partner at all his and said it was fine, personally it tasted worse than vomit to me, he admitted about 5 years later that "it wasn't your best work, but you'd spent ages making it" 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

ColdHandsHotHead · 10/02/2023 18:01

He's an arsehole, does not respect you and apparently also wants to control you so you won't cook again.

ColdHandsHotHead · 10/02/2023 18:02

Led9519 · 10/02/2023 17:50

“My dw has severe anxiety, I usually do the cooking. We had planned a chicken stir fry but when we got home my wife started to cook it. She tried to follow the recipe but it didn’t turn out very well and the texture was all wrong. I tried to eat what I could but really didn’t like it. I put mine in the bin but didn’t mention it. She then kept asking me what I thought of the meal, I didn’t want to say anything but after following me round the house I confessed I didn’t like it. Turns out she got upset and posted a thread on mumsnet about it all and now everyone is calling me a knob.”

Just trying to see it from his perspective.

Still a know. HTH.

ColdHandsHotHead · 10/02/2023 18:02

ColdHandsHotHead · 10/02/2023 18:02

Still a know. HTH.

Show quote history

*KNOB!

Wdib78 · 10/02/2023 18:04

Led9519 · 10/02/2023 17:50

“My dw has severe anxiety, I usually do the cooking. We had planned a chicken stir fry but when we got home my wife started to cook it. She tried to follow the recipe but it didn’t turn out very well and the texture was all wrong. I tried to eat what I could but really didn’t like it. I put mine in the bin but didn’t mention it. She then kept asking me what I thought of the meal, I didn’t want to say anything but after following me round the house I confessed I didn’t like it. Turns out she got upset and posted a thread on mumsnet about it all and now everyone is calling me a knob.”

Just trying to see it from his perspective.

He didn't need to be rude, he could have just said "sorry love I didn't really like it"

Justalittlebitduckling · 10/02/2023 18:04

My DP is a very proficient cook; it’s a hobby for him. I am relatively much more hit and miss. But he always finds something nice to say about it.

Would you behave like that round a close friend’s house, or when visiting extended family? No… then don’t treat your spouse like that. Or at least say, “really sorry darling, just don’t fancy this tonight. Thanks for making it, though.”

Justalittlebitduckling · 10/02/2023 18:05

Wdib78 · 10/02/2023 18:04

He didn't need to be rude, he could have just said "sorry love I didn't really like it"

Show quote history

Cross posted! Very similar.

MumtoFandL · 10/02/2023 18:06

I think you are missing something. The complete pattern of behaviour is unacceptable and it is not at all unreasonable for OP to expect some form of communication from a grown adult in this situation.

OP, I’m sorry, I don’t believe in bad mouthing people I do not know when I have no full insight in to what is going on but as someone who is the ex wife of a narcissist I would suggest you may want to think about the bigger picture of your relationship and whether you are in a good and happy place. I fear this bad dynamic extends further than just him not enjoying your stir fry. Look after yourself x

Sorchamarie · 10/02/2023 18:07

Even if you're struggling to see him as abusive (despite it being quite obvious to many of us from what you've described of him, I'm sorry OP) you must see that this man's nasty behaviour is a really bad example for your children. They'll absolutely be learning that this is the best they can expect from a partner in the future. Can you honestly say you'd be happy for them to be in a relationship like yours?

Justalittlebitduckling · 10/02/2023 18:07

Led9519 · 10/02/2023 17:50

“My dw has severe anxiety, I usually do the cooking. We had planned a chicken stir fry but when we got home my wife started to cook it. She tried to follow the recipe but it didn’t turn out very well and the texture was all wrong. I tried to eat what I could but really didn’t like it. I put mine in the bin but didn’t mention it. She then kept asking me what I thought of the meal, I didn’t want to say anything but after following me round the house I confessed I didn’t like it. Turns out she got upset and posted a thread on mumsnet about it all and now everyone is calling me a knob.”

Just trying to see it from his perspective.

If he’d posted this I would have said: instead of stony silence, you should have thought of something kind to say like, “sorry darling, not your best!”

Twawmyarse2 · 10/02/2023 18:09

Led9519 · 10/02/2023 17:50

“My dw has severe anxiety, I usually do the cooking. We had planned a chicken stir fry but when we got home my wife started to cook it. She tried to follow the recipe but it didn’t turn out very well and the texture was all wrong. I tried to eat what I could but really didn’t like it. I put mine in the bin but didn’t mention it. She then kept asking me what I thought of the meal, I didn’t want to say anything but after following me round the house I confessed I didn’t like it. Turns out she got upset and posted a thread on mumsnet about it all and now everyone is calling me a knob.”

Just trying to see it from his perspective.

Sorry, you forgot the bit where:

My partner ate stony faced, in silence (not actually unusual for him in fairness) and got up with his half full plate, scaped it into the bin and went upstairs.

Also the fact that Op said he regularly sits and eats stony-faced (rude and nasty) goes off upstairs after he’s eaten without speaking until it’s “time to hoover” (bizarre and rude) and always criticises her cooking (downright abusive, nasty and rude)

Just thought I’d edit that for you?!

Cant believe how many people in here are excusing the behaviour from what sounds like an absolutely toxic, nasty man. Along with those encouraging the OP to “learn to cook” - coz yeah, she obviously deserves this treatment.

Please expect better for yourselves and get some standards.