What's the proper way to handle not liking someone's cooking?

[Alasia1983]

Apologies if this is a bit petty, but I'm trying to work out whether my partner was being rude or whether actually, he handled it well and I'm taking offence for no reason!

We got home at 5pm today due to traffic (we usually eat at 5) and I started straight on with the chicken and rice/stir fry thing I had already planned on making.

I don't usually cook as I have severe anxiety and so he usually does it, but this time I felt confident enough to try.

By 5.30 it was ready and I was pleased it was all cooked, the chicken had hit the right internal temp, it looked slightly weird as I put eggs in it too (kind of an egg fried rice thing) and they didn't really clump up, just covered everything in tiny white bits, but me and my children ate all of ours with the children saying how nice it was and that they wanted it again - they're autistic and quite fussy eaters, so this was a win for me!

My partner ate stony faced, in silence (not actually unusual for him in fairness) and got up with his half full plate, scaped it into the bin and went upstairs.
He does usually just disappear after he's eaten until its time for him to hoover, but I felt embarrassed as he'd thrown so much food away.

Next time he was in the room I said "it's a shame you didnt like the meal, the children said they liked it a lot". Silence.
I said it again as he came back into the kitchen and he just looked at me then walked out again.
I told him its rude to ignore and he said "I don't know what you want me to say. I didn't like it".

I asked why and he said it was "clumped together and not very tasty".
I completely disagree as the rice was one of those pouches anyway so wasn't stuck together and I could taste the individual elements. I followed a recipe and used their advice for amounts of soy sauce etc and was actually quite pleased with the taste.

The thing is, he always says this kind of thing when I cook (which is very rarely). I always take offence but I wonder whether I'm being silly? I didn't expect a gold star or anything but he was so...cold about how much he didn't like my food and I ended up feeling stupid and embarrassed.

Was it me, or was he a bit insensitive?

I've got a funny feeling that if you got rid of this man from your dinner table (and life) that you'd have less anxiety around cooking (and probably in your life in general)

He was beyond rude and disrespectful and the worst bit about this entire scenario is that he has you second guessing yourself - when he's the one behaving badly!

Sitting stony faced in silence, ignoring you when you talk, and then being blatantly rude about your food, fuck him. If you don't like the food someone has gone to the effort of preparing for you then you say something like 'thanks for making dinner, I really appreciate it'
not what this arsehole said to you.

💐

The odd time I've made things and its gone wrong my dh still says it lovely and eats it 😂 even though its not, he says I put the the effort in so he'll eat it. He'll eat anything though.

What yours does isn't right op.

Has he always been like this, being cold, no empathy etc etc I'm wondering why on earth you are with him!! He sounds like a prize dick.

Have you always had anxiety or just since you've been with him?

Yeah I think he is causing your anxiety op

He isn’t making you happy

He sounds like an utter thug.

Who cares why he is how he is? Is doesn't matter! You're not his therapist and you're not his mum. You are not obliged to care for him. You are not responsible for him.

What matters is how the relationship makes you feel. Does being with him make you happy? Supported? Loved? No? If it doesn't makes you feel good, get out.

Oh my, where to start, @Alasia1983 - there is so much to unpick here...

This isn't about your cooking. There is some useful advice on this thread, but I fear it may get lost amongst all the responses that address your query at face value. You'd better post in Relationships - you'll get some more in-depth insights there.

Things to consider:

How long have you suffered with severe anxiety? Do you know what brought it on? What triggers severe attacks? What treatment are you currently getting and to what extent is it helping? Have you had any counseling or CBT?

Your partner is more than an arsehole. He is abusing you. Why are you with him? Walking on eggshells is not a solution, so what needs to happen for you to be able to leave your abuser?

Finally, this dysfunctional family life is affecting your children. They will grow up to be as anxious and lacking in confidence as you, and unable to recognize or deal with abuse - just like you. I know you do not want this for them.

So please, think about all this and post again in Relationships 💐

I totally agree with this.
why would it need to make him so unpleasant? Even if he really didn’t like it he could’ve made a joke about being fussy and thanked you for cooking anyway.
what you have described sounds like abusive behaviour

How do you read between the lines? In all honesty, yes I do wonder whether he's abusive but I keep second guessing myself and wondering whether he might actually be autistic, or have some other mental issue?

Just got to this bit so sorry if someone else has already replied but my view is

It doesn't MATTER what the cause is, his behaviour is fucking awful. The end RESULT is that you are miserable and anxious. Any form of MH difference is NOT an excuse to behave like an arse. I know several autistic adults and NONE of them would be so fucking rude as he is. And I bet he's awful in other ways too, undermining you and making you second guess yourself all day long.

I bet if you got rid of him, a lot of your anxiety would disappear.

Effort to cook a meal, made with love and care need respect in a simple thank you from all those at the table with you - it’s basic courtesy.

As your experience grows as a cook so will your confidence to tell your OH to go fcuk himself.

Your OH is a prize knob end, ashamedly rude and disrespectful - 100% fuelling your anxiety. If he had issue he could have offered constructive advice or help to cook if there were any technical tweaks - eg seasoning.

basic manners are to give thanks- and if it wasn’t to his absolute liking.. make his own from now on.. just cook for yourself and children.

your OH threw a toddler tantrum and emotionally abused you. Don’t tolerate his outbursts.

He's been really rude.

Sometimes my husband doesn't like my cooking. It goes like this.

Me:what did you think of the food?

OH jokingly: it was ok, it filled a hole. I just prefer X. Thanks for cooking though, there wasn't much time, I appreciate you doing that.

Me: noted, but you can't have pasta with cheese every day. Feel free to cook thing yourself too

OH: fair

Othertimes he says the food was nice.

The end

To sit there stony faced and not say anything? Who does he think he is? An Emperor?

I just cook for myself so haven't really had much feedback but I do cut corners and don't worry about perfect egg fried rice for example.

If someone had said I cannot eat this, sorry. or even Bloody hell Death Ray what the fuck is this? I would probably have laughed and said sorry about that. But the silent treatment. FUCK OFF!

These men that do the silent treatment deserve it back ..in droves.

Not every woman is a perfect cook. Did he confuse you with Mary Berry??

It may be because you took the Emperors place and decided to do the cooking.

You say him sitting there with a stony face is not unusual. Seriously? Life is too short for putting up with that shit!

But how do you what's abuse and what's...something else?

Does it matter? If the effect of the behaviour - which the other person is making no effort to change - is to cause anxiety and an uncomfortable atmosphere, then you shouldn’t stay even if it’s a ‘something else’ issue and not abuse.

My children deal with a meal they’re not 100% keen on with more grace and manners than your partner. He sounds horrible.

A tasty and nutritious meal that OP. Lose him, you and your kids deserve better.

re the egg, if you heated the rice up first the egg will go bitty and rice gloopy, fried rice needs to be cold when it hits the pan. As another pp said, i make a quick omelette in a separate pan, shred it and throw in at the end.

Rude. The 'correct' way, in my opinion, if you really can't bear to eat something, would be to apologise and say something like 'I know you've spent time cooking this, but I can't eat it; do you mind if I get myself something else?'

Do you often walk on eggshells around him?

I wasn't surprised at his reaction when you said you have anxiety so he usually cooks. I thought wtf, and jumped straight to "I bet he is a wanker to her when she cooks."

oh look, I was right.

I have a relative a bit like this. If they don't get to choose exactly what everyone eats, then they sit in silence pushing it around the plate with a face like thunder, even if its something they normally like. Other family tend to pander to them and let them choose the meal at get togethers because the alternative is an excruciating atmosphere (no exaggeration).

Its not quite the same of course, but reminded me of it. With your partner I think he enjoys making you feel not good enough, that he can cook/do whatever better than you, and passively aggressively implying that yet again, you've failed at this simple task that anyone could do.

Hes absolutely horrible.

He is rude. Don't eat somebody mean that took effort and then whine.

Also wasteful to just scrape fresh food into the bin- WTF, do people do this?. I'm sure you or the children would have been happy to eat it.

Why are you with this horrible person?

He's an abusive cunt.

Your stepdad's example is not 'too much' to expect; it's basic courtesy. Your children seem able to understand that and act on it, so he has no excuse.

He was very rude, clearly deliberately. His behavior towards you sounds very appalling I’m sorry but it looks like your relationship came to the end.

Was he sulking because he the food wasnt ready at the normal time. I think it sounds lovely, he could have added a little more soy sauce or something if it was bland instead of acting like a selfish arse.

You are very apologetic on this thread and earlier noticed the one comment where someone suggested you may have been unreasonable by suggesting that you may have been. Him being a dick with no manners isnt on you. Neither is him being rude to you but lovely with neighbours, if you dont like being here mate, get the hell out.

Plus your stepdad sounds like he has modelled basic manners for you :) Look for someone more like him.

I can cook the most basic thing and my DH will say how delicious it is. His attitude rubs off on the children too. My teen DS did a school exchange recently and stayed with another family. The mum texted me to say she was particularly touched that he thanked her genuinely for every meal and complimented her cooking. Even if my kids don’t love something I’ve made they are always polite about it. If they enjoy it they are lavish with their praise. It costs nothing to make someone else feel good. Your partner sounds rude and ungrateful, particularly given he must know you feel anxious about cooking. You deserve someone who treats you with kindness and is a good role model for your children.

I agree completely with this, if someone makes me a meal its the best thing I have ever eaten as far as they are concerned. Equally if someone is kind enough to give me a gift for a birthday or Christmas - it will be the best thing I have ever got.

Its just the way I was brought up.

Rude, immature, emotionally abusive.

I know others have already said that but I think in this case the more people tell you that, OP, the better. Sorry he makes you feel doubting yourself this much.

My dh always thanks me for the meals I cook. I can always tell the ones he's not so keen on as he doesn't eat with the usual gusto and doesn't go back for seconds. To be fair, I usually know which ones he won't be as keen on (too much garlic, a not usual cottage pie, something with fresh salmon, things like that) but he is never rude about it. He will eat as much as he can.
I think I am a bit blunter when he cooks, tbh, which he rarely does for all of us for dinner, but he does cook his own lunch or breakfasts.
Do your kids enjoy the things you cook @Alasia1983 ? If they did, maybe cook for you and them and let him cook for himself? I think it would help with your cooking anxiety, and should you decide actually this isn't what you want from a partner, you are at least able to feed your kids 😉

What you cooked sounded really nice btw, do you have a link to the recipe?