What's the proper way to handle not liking someone's cooking?

[Alasia1983]

Apologies if this is a bit petty, but I'm trying to work out whether my partner was being rude or whether actually, he handled it well and I'm taking offence for no reason!

We got home at 5pm today due to traffic (we usually eat at 5) and I started straight on with the chicken and rice/stir fry thing I had already planned on making.

I don't usually cook as I have severe anxiety and so he usually does it, but this time I felt confident enough to try.

By 5.30 it was ready and I was pleased it was all cooked, the chicken had hit the right internal temp, it looked slightly weird as I put eggs in it too (kind of an egg fried rice thing) and they didn't really clump up, just covered everything in tiny white bits, but me and my children ate all of ours with the children saying how nice it was and that they wanted it again - they're autistic and quite fussy eaters, so this was a win for me!

My partner ate stony faced, in silence (not actually unusual for him in fairness) and got up with his half full plate, scaped it into the bin and went upstairs.
He does usually just disappear after he's eaten until its time for him to hoover, but I felt embarrassed as he'd thrown so much food away.

Next time he was in the room I said "it's a shame you didnt like the meal, the children said they liked it a lot". Silence.
I said it again as he came back into the kitchen and he just looked at me then walked out again.
I told him its rude to ignore and he said "I don't know what you want me to say. I didn't like it".

I asked why and he said it was "clumped together and not very tasty".
I completely disagree as the rice was one of those pouches anyway so wasn't stuck together and I could taste the individual elements. I followed a recipe and used their advice for amounts of soy sauce etc and was actually quite pleased with the taste.

The thing is, he always says this kind of thing when I cook (which is very rarely). I always take offence but I wonder whether I'm being silly? I didn't expect a gold star or anything but he was so...cold about how much he didn't like my food and I ended up feeling stupid and embarrassed.

Was it me, or was he a bit insensitive?

How annoying. No need for rudeness.
I'm not surprised you're anxious.

Maybe he doesn't like the 'change' to the routine when you cook and would feel anxious, moody whatever you served up.

To avoid you getting low and upset, try to come up with a solution for next time. When you fancy cooking, enlist him at first. Ask his opinion etc, what does he suggest you both prepare. Let him know you value his special skills of cooking etc....

If you don't want to do that tell him he has hurt your feelings and put you off and you are fed up with it. Tell him you are anxious and he is making an utter knob.

Is your DH also autistic? Asking as the literal answers with lack of insight to your feelings suggest social misunderstanding.

Just as a precursor to my comment - I think your Special Egg Fried Rice sounds lovely! Definitely cook it again, with our without egg because no matter what the egg looks like, it'll taste the same. You could cook it separately and stir it in at the end.

If my DP cooks something I don't like (which is rare!) I still say thank you for cooking, and I say something like it "wasn't my favourite" or something polite. I most certainly won't go through the toddler-like performance your DP did. It's rude, disrespectful and so so childish. He's not a nice man is her? He can turn on the smiles for neighbours but chooses to be grumpy and vile with you.

What's he like with the kids? I feel so sad that they have to sit at the table with that grumpy scary man every night.

I also would bet that it is him that is causing (or making much worse) your anxiety.

Rude and uncalled for - you made an effort and it sounds fine. Did he want to cook himself ? Do you think he got the hump because you did it instead and he didn’t consider it ‘up to his standards’ !! If, as you say, he behaves like this every time you cook, it sounds as though it’s his attitude rather than your cooking. Either way, it was rude and if he didn’t like it he should have told you, and given that you don’t cook often, should have found a respectful way to explain what he didn’t like about it.

FYI, it sounds like a kind of chicken fried rice, and I make one from scratch quite often. With the eggs, instead of tipping them in to cook in the rice, try whisking them with a bit of light soy sauce and making a very thin omelette with them. When it’s cooled, roll it up and shred it finely, and mix in with the rice. That way it won’t disappear into the rice, and you’ll get nice bits of recognisable egg throughout the rice. I’m going to try one of the rice pouches you mentioned next time I make a fried rice - sounds better than the faff of washing, pre cooking and cooling ordinary rice. Keep cooking and ignore the criticism and the more you do it the more your confidence will grow.

It's just food, I find it ridiculous that he could get the hump about not liking one meal. Just have a sandwich and get on with life, ffs. It's certainly not worth making a partner feel bad over!

It's not rude per se to say you didn't like food, but the way he did it was incredibly rude and designed to make you feel bad.

FWIW, I wouldn't say at all if someone I didn't live with made food I didn't like, I'd just eat it, thank them, and find something nice to say about it. If it's someone you live with, I think it's important to be a bit more honest so that they don't keep making the same thing again (or at least there's a conversation about it). However, I would still always thank them for the meal and say something nice about it, but I would add 'it was a bit too spicy for me, but thank you anyway, I loved the mushrooms.' I would never throw it in the bin. If I really couldn't eat it, like it was actually making me sick, I would offer it to the other people in the family (although I know some people will hate the idea of eating off someone else's plate, to me we're all family), otherwise I'd finish one portion and not take seconds.

It’s very common for abusers to behave perfectly with strangers, but be absolutely horrible to those they supposedly love. My ex husband’s parents seemed lovely to the outside world, but FIL undermined MIL and MIL was consistently passive aggressive to everyone in the family.

He’s my ex because he repeated the pattern. We also had silence and sulking over food. I’m a good cook, but when he was in the mood, he’d find fault with anything. He could make faces over something he had eaten readily the last time I made it. On one, particularly memorable occasion, I’d gone to great lengths to make food he’d like, had the house spotless and (he’d been away) I had even had painted the hall by myself. He sulked and ruined the child-free night I’d arranged because I forgot to get a particular fizzy drink he liked.

Yours sounds like he’s trying to control you. If he’s generally like this, then staying with him is teaching your children that putting up with unpleasant behaviour is normal in a relationship. If you wouldn’t want your children to be treated the way he treats you, then teach them that putting up with it is not an option and leave.

@MarkWithaC my thoughts exactly!

Street angel, house devil.

My mom always says "Devil at home, angel out" - that's him for sure!

If your children copy his behaviour at home and how he treats you, how will that make you feel? The adults in the house need to be role models for the kids. I honestly don't understand why you would want him and his negative energy around the house with you and your children.

He sounds awful!

In our house we say if we’re not keen but still eat what we can of it and graciously thank the cook as they’re effort hasn’t been in vain as it still filled up the table. I think once my partner experimented with something completely different and we all agreed it was awful, laughed it off, thanked him anyway and I made beans on toast 😂

Is he always that oblivious to how his reaction effects you? It’s no wonder you’re anxious when cooking if he acts like that every time! Tell him to cook his own if you’re cooking from now on.

He is abusive. Why do you both need to go shopping? Especially if he struggles to walk at a reasonable pace. I know he can’t help it but that would drive me bananas. Does he need to go with you? If he is driving can’t he wait in the car rather than trailing sarkily round after you?

None of this is about food 😨
Have a look at this checklist - I’d be really interested to see how many you would tick off 20 Signs of Emotional Abuse - Checklist

He was rude and horrible and his behaviour was about him not about the food.

It's fine not to like food, to not be hungry or not finish it. But that's not about your relationship with the cook, it's about how hungry you are, the portion size and the recipe and your personal taste. My husband might make a steak which someone would think is absolutely delicious, perfectly cooked and all that but I don't eat meat so not for me.

We frequently say to each other if we don't like the other's food, but it's just given as 'oh I'd leave the eggs out, or I'd put a bit more maple syrup in to balance the soy sauce, or can I adjust the sauce before you serve (normally my husband!), or I don't like this recipe there are too many mushrooms, I wouldn't have it again. And then still relating to the person who cooked it with how was your day etc and still helping to clean up and do bedtime, you can't sulk and storm off and do PlayStation!!!

He’s rude, he was acting like a petulant child, toddlers sulk not grown a$$ men. All he needed to say was that it wasn’t to his taste & get himself a sandwich or something else.

I’d get out of that relationship. It doesn’t sound at all healthy. It doesn’t sound like he cares for you at all. In fact, your description of his behaviour scares me a bit and makes me think he is a sociopath or narcissist. I suspect you’d be happier and far less anxious without him and you could eat whatever pleases you and the kids.

It doesn’t matter what the reasons are for his behaviour. What matters is his behaviour makes you unhappy and anxious. Your children will also pick up on this. You don’t need to stay in a situation where you feel less than happy, comfortable and secure. The key to relationships is communication and this man doesn’t communicate with you so there is no relationship.

Your severe anxiety is linked to living with a nasty prick.