What's the proper way to handle not liking someone's cooking?

[Alasia1983]

Apologies if this is a bit petty, but I'm trying to work out whether my partner was being rude or whether actually, he handled it well and I'm taking offence for no reason!

We got home at 5pm today due to traffic (we usually eat at 5) and I started straight on with the chicken and rice/stir fry thing I had already planned on making.

I don't usually cook as I have severe anxiety and so he usually does it, but this time I felt confident enough to try.

By 5.30 it was ready and I was pleased it was all cooked, the chicken had hit the right internal temp, it looked slightly weird as I put eggs in it too (kind of an egg fried rice thing) and they didn't really clump up, just covered everything in tiny white bits, but me and my children ate all of ours with the children saying how nice it was and that they wanted it again - they're autistic and quite fussy eaters, so this was a win for me!

My partner ate stony faced, in silence (not actually unusual for him in fairness) and got up with his half full plate, scaped it into the bin and went upstairs.
He does usually just disappear after he's eaten until its time for him to hoover, but I felt embarrassed as he'd thrown so much food away.

Next time he was in the room I said "it's a shame you didnt like the meal, the children said they liked it a lot". Silence.
I said it again as he came back into the kitchen and he just looked at me then walked out again.
I told him its rude to ignore and he said "I don't know what you want me to say. I didn't like it".

I asked why and he said it was "clumped together and not very tasty".
I completely disagree as the rice was one of those pouches anyway so wasn't stuck together and I could taste the individual elements. I followed a recipe and used their advice for amounts of soy sauce etc and was actually quite pleased with the taste.

The thing is, he always says this kind of thing when I cook (which is very rarely). I always take offence but I wonder whether I'm being silly? I didn't expect a gold star or anything but he was so...cold about how much he didn't like my food and I ended up feeling stupid and embarrassed.

Was it me, or was he a bit insensitive?

Good grief... you and the DC must be walking on egg shells the whole time trying to not set his moods off

@Alasia1983 does he make you happy? It doesn't sound like it. I always think what a waste to spend life being unhappy if its within your grasp to change it. But most importantly, what is best for you and your children? Is it him? If the answer is no, I wouldn't put my children through it.

No wonder you have anxiety.

I lived in a similar environment. My anxiety levels dropped dramatically when XH left as my self esteem wasn't being battered constantly

Does your anxiety around cooking perhaps stem from how rude he is about it?

I don't think you're being sensitive at all - it's perfectly fine to not like the food that's been made, it's perfectly fine to then not eat it if that's the case, the silence and rude manner with which he went about it is entirely wrong!

There's an article that usually gets linked here but I can't find it, but a Google will bring up a many an article on FOG...... Which I think you need to read up as you say yourself you are struggling with the concept of his behaviours being abusive.

I just had to say that I felt really sad reading your post and replies. He doesn’t sound that he treats you very well and has no respect for you. He was rude, why can’t he just say something like well done you have made a wonderful dinner, it’s not my cup of tea, but I can see that you and the kids like it, maybe save that one for when I’m out next !

My DH is exactly the same to the letter. Have you heard of Alexithymia?

@Alasia1983 why are you with him?

yeah not OK...
My DH is an amazing cook, but he occasionally gets a bit um, experimental which can have interesting results...
So it'd probably go like this:
DH: (puts food down in front of us)
me: what's this darling? Looks interesting!
him: oh it's fermented cabbage with toffee apples and eggs
me: (takes a bite) um... it's interesting
him: (takes a bite too) do you like it?
me: er... it's not my favourite sorry, but thanks for going to the effort

What a rude and unfeeling man. Thats not on when anyone cooks, but knowing you have anxiety makes it even worse. Hes being insensetive at best, bullying at worst.
I cant understand why he thinks this is ok or why you might even think youre in the wrong.. youre not.. he is.
Sounds like he needs to give himself a good shake

Sorry OP, this seems like deliberately nasty behaviour, calculated to make you feel useless and small. It’s not how someone who cares about you acts.

Think hard about what support and happiness this man brings to yours and your kids lives, because you really do deserve that from a partner. If he’s taking away rather than adding, you will be so much better off without.

A relationship like the one you're describing (I've read all your posts on this thread) could really, really wear you down over time. Just the lack of emotional input from him, the lack of expressing his positive feelings for you and for your shared life in general, the constant emotional work you're doing stopping every instance spent together from being mute, stoney and bereft of interaction. OP, could your life feel lighter, do you think? More fun? Could you maybe feel more loved and appreciated?

PPs have mentioned reasons why he could be this way, and that's all valid; however, he clearly knows that it makes people happy and feel valued to treat them well, because he does it when he wants to (neighbours, etc.). I know it's not always as simple as that. I'm autistic and ADHD, my partner is the same, and I'm a support worker for adults with learning disabilities, so I'm not dismissing the complexity of how we operate as humans in and out of relationships.

BUT.

You're not his parent - you don't just have to put up with him unconditionally, even if it is because he has a condition or MH problem. A relationship is optional; purely for enjoyment and fulfilment of those involved. If he is negatively affecting your life with the way he treats you, consider if you're actually putting yourself and your quality of life second to accommodate him.

I’ve not rtft and I’m sure someone has already said this but: you have a dh problem - not a cooking problem!

He is completely and utterly rude, nasty and downright weird to act the way he acted.

im not surprised you’re anxious and walking on eggshells with a husband who makes you feel like shit when you’ve done a nice thing for him ie cooking his food.

And no, it isn’t asking too much to want some basic respect for doing the cooking - I’m not the best cook but every single night my dh makes a point of thanking me for the meal I’ve cooked and as a result the dc’s do too. They even thank me on chicken nugget/pizza night when I can’t be arsed cooking and bung something in the oven!

Its not you - it’s him.

Also to answer a question you asked further up-thread, if my partner cooked something that wasn't to my taste (this happens sometimes - he does most of the cooking so sometimes it's a "miss" for me), I would try it, eat what I could of it, and have a lighthearted conversation with him where I apologetically stated what it was I couldn't (didn't want to) eat, praised the bits I liked, and thanked him profusely for cooking. That's it. I'd also make certain to reassure him that I appreciated him cooking - that would be paramount for me. I think most people are similar. His response was very odd, whatever the reason was.

This is about more than chicken fried rice I’m afraid.

First off im autistic and I am neither rude,ungrateful or would ever act like that. I had an ex many years ago he would throw the plates of dinner on the floor or at walls but was also physically and mentally abusive. My confidence went to zero and similar to you his friends and neighbours thought he was this smart nice man. Anyway eventually with help and support he ended up in jail after he hurt me badly. But it took 4 years to recover from a year and a half of trauma for me to stop being anxious and to become confident in myself again and realise I'm worth something. Now I'm in a totally different marriage and so happy. We both do the housework as we go along, he helps with all 4 kids when in from work, he never goes on his xbox till there all settled in bed or if there away for the day at grandparents and I'm back to cooking meals which we all sit together for chatting and having a laugh as we eat and im baking again all of which I lost the zest for and enjoyed years ago before ex etc and even the simple kiss on the cheek after every tea and the thankyou and a clear plate makes me feel over the moon. This isn't just about cooking you sound like you need to know your worth something you really really are.Look after yourself x

I think if you are a guest then I think you should always be polite and say thankyou but it's slightly different when it's your partner. I think it should be OK to say you don't particularly like something they do, you shouldn't have to just put up with food you don't like. if you don't say you don't like it you'll keep being given it.

If I like DH's cooking I'm very complementary about it but I will say things like 'you've forgot a key ingredient' (most extreme example: he once intended to make chilli con carne but forgot to add the meat and chilli, and yes, he is NT) or 'the onions could do with being cooked a bit longer but I like this new recipe'. For me it's just part of the discussion about food, I'm from a very foody family and we do talk about how to change and improve recipes a lot. If I cook a new recipe He is not from a foody family and thinks you should say it's wonderful even when it's not so it does cause tension.

I think what @Alasia1983 's partner did was unacceptable though. No need to go in a sulk because you don't like the food.

I don't know. You were pushing him for a compliment. Compliments should be genuine. He did t like it. He did.nt tell you. You pushed him for a response. He was honest.

I'm with him. What would you want him to say?

When DP very occasionally makes me something I don’t like I say “bit too much chilli for me but appreciate you cooking” or similar and life goes on.

I don’t dramatically scrape it in the bin / make a fuss / have a face on etc. that’s ridiculous behaviour- like a toddler!

the one time it was inedible we laughed about it and made some cheese sandwiches. It’s just tea it’s not a big deal.

he sounds like a prick sorry OP. Partners are supposed to make you feel good about yourself!

I don't think OP was pushing for a compliment, I think she was pushing for something more like a 'what happened there, why did you behave like that'

So we always thank whoever has cooked for us in our family, be it spouse, sibling, parent, child, whoever, even if it's just preparing a light snack.

If it really wasn't nice I may say to my DH thanks for cooking but I cant eat or finish this. My DH would say to me that was nice / interesting / different but I wouldn't choose it again, it's his nice way of saying yuk.

Your partner is nasty and likely contributing to your anxiety. If he can be nice to others he can be nice to you. He's an ignorant, bad mannered twat, especially if this is the norm for him. I would never cook for him again, seriously.

Does he thank you for other things that you do for him?

Sounds as though he could be territorial of the kitchen and cooking? So, take an undisturbed moment, take a couple of deep breaths then tune into what your children said and how you felt about the achievement of cooking and enjoying what you ate. Then cut your thinking off and repeat, and repeat again. The step out of the place where you did this thinking and immediately focus on what's around you. You did well! Enjoy the feeling! xx

That's just my kind of meal.

I'm a fairly good cook, but everyone has an off day. My husband would eat it unless it was really inedible, which this wasn't. He definitely wouldn't be making a song and dance about it.

I'm not surprised you don't cook often when you get a reaction like that!

May I ask when the cooking related anxiety began? Presumably you cooked for yourself and your children before He came along.

I'm not normally one to say "LTB", but reading this thread did make me sad. It sounds like you deserve a lot better.

I like cooking new recipes. We had an agreement years ago that if he didn't like something he would tell me. If he didn't tell me chances are it would be given it again. He isn't rude about it though and I usually agree.