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Original poster

What's the proper way to handle not liking someone's cooking?

244 replies

Alasia1983 · 09/02/2023 18:21

Apologies if this is a bit petty, but I'm trying to work out whether my partner was being rude or whether actually, he handled it well and I'm taking offence for no reason!

We got home at 5pm today due to traffic (we usually eat at 5) and I started straight on with the chicken and rice/stir fry thing I had already planned on making.

I don't usually cook as I have severe anxiety and so he usually does it, but this time I felt confident enough to try.

By 5.30 it was ready and I was pleased it was all cooked, the chicken had hit the right internal temp, it looked slightly weird as I put eggs in it too (kind of an egg fried rice thing) and they didn't really clump up, just covered everything in tiny white bits, but me and my children ate all of ours with the children saying how nice it was and that they wanted it again - they're autistic and quite fussy eaters, so this was a win for me!

My partner ate stony faced, in silence (not actually unusual for him in fairness) and got up with his half full plate, scaped it into the bin and went upstairs.
He does usually just disappear after he's eaten until its time for him to hoover, but I felt embarrassed as he'd thrown so much food away.

Next time he was in the room I said "it's a shame you didnt like the meal, the children said they liked it a lot". Silence.
I said it again as he came back into the kitchen and he just looked at me then walked out again.
I told him its rude to ignore and he said "I don't know what you want me to say. I didn't like it".

I asked why and he said it was "clumped together and not very tasty".
I completely disagree as the rice was one of those pouches anyway so wasn't stuck together and I could taste the individual elements. I followed a recipe and used their advice for amounts of soy sauce etc and was actually quite pleased with the taste.

The thing is, he always says this kind of thing when I cook (which is very rarely). I always take offence but I wonder whether I'm being silly? I didn't expect a gold star or anything but he was so...cold about how much he didn't like my food and I ended up feeling stupid and embarrassed.

Was it me, or was he a bit insensitive?

OP posts:
Dery · 09/02/2023 20:26

@Alasia1983 - it sounds like your partner treats you badly. It’s not at all unusual for someone who is abusive to be able to behave very nicely to everyone else. As other PPs have suggested, you might find your anxiety lessens significantly if you let him go. He seems to have a stake in making you feel you can’t cook. There are no good reasons for this.

gamerchick · 09/02/2023 20:27

He's a twat OP. The correct thing to do is to thank you for cooking.

Tell him in future you'll let him know when you're cooking and he can sort himself out.

EarthSight · 09/02/2023 20:29

OP, if this behaviour is the norm for him, I'm wondering why you have severe anxiety.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 09/02/2023 20:29

He silently scraped the remaining half of the dinner into the bin? In front you and the kids? That’s the bit I find the most shocking. The passive aggressive WASTE of food that was enjoyed by everyone else, just to make a point

Me too. And I'll bet it was the OP who planned dinner and shopped for it - only to see it treated like garbage.

gamerchick · 09/02/2023 20:36

Alasia1983 · 09/02/2023 19:02

Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry to the poster I offended, have just been back to check what I wrote (because I didn't remember calling autism a mental issue) and see that is actually what I wrote, however the sentence should have read "or some kind of mental health issue". Apologies!

It was obvious what you meant OP. I say that with a house full of autism. Don't give thet poster another thought.

Is this what life is like for you, apologising to people being a bit abrupt to you? I've got a feeling your anxiety would lessen quite a bit if you got rid of this person. He doesn't sound like he enriches your life and exacerbates your issues.

FurAndFeathers · 09/02/2023 20:36

Alasia1983 · 09/02/2023 18:30

So, just so I can get an idea of what's 'normal', if you didn't like something your partner cooked or vice versa, what would you say or do?

Show quote history

@Alasia1983

“sorry love but that was a bit spicy/salty for me”

”thanks for booking that was nice but maybe a bit more seasoning next time”

”sorry love I know you’ve gone to a lot of effort but I’m afraid I didn’t like that, would you mind if got some toast?”

basically communication in a relationship should be kind, respectful, honest and affectionate

i suspect your relationship isn’t

do you think your anxiety might be related to his dickish behaviour?

katepilar · 09/02/2023 20:43

I cant get past the scraping into the bin, let alone all the rest of it :/

roarfeckingroarr · 09/02/2023 21:12

There's only one response to someone cooking you a meal and that's "thank you".

Rega26 · 09/02/2023 21:13

@Alasia1983 you could be describing my STBEXH. Funnily enough I also believe he is autistic (as are 2 of our children).
His behaviour made me highly anxious and it's only when he moved out last month, I realised quite how much I'd been walking on eggshells.
I'm sad our 15 year marriage has ended but now I feel comfortable in my own home.

I think you need to put yourself first. Abuse or autism aside, I know how miserable you must be feeling.

ManyNameChanges · 09/02/2023 21:13

AlisonDonut · 09/02/2023 19:51

That's nice but did you mean to tell the OP this rather than me?

Show quote history

I did sorry Blush

YouJustDoYou · 09/02/2023 21:14

He's a fucking immature child. Win for your kids liking it!!

billy1966 · 09/02/2023 21:16

How long have you been inflicting this nasty rude ignorant pig on your poor children?

Your poor poor children having to live their life with such a selfish pig.

Why is your relationship with this horrible man so much more important than your poor children?

Have they not got enough challenges going on in their little lives than their mother inflicting this nasty bad tempered bully on them.

Whose house is it?

Ring Women's aid for support to get him out of your home.

I bet your anxiety would improve.

This is a truly horrible man to have foisted on your children.

Get him out.

Put your children first.

newwings · 09/02/2023 21:18

My husband isn't one for compliments but always thanks me as he appreciates the fact I've cooked and if it's crap he stays quiet and says yeah was ok 🤣

mathanxiety · 09/02/2023 21:22

That was utterly horrible of him.

He owes you a massive, groveling apology.

Is he usually so nasty?
The way you described the performance he put on makes me think he's a practiced hand at the art of unsubtle denigration.

MissingMoominMamma · 09/02/2023 21:23

He sounds like my friend’s husband. Her anxiety is now so bad, it stops her from going anywhere. I reckon if she got rid of him, it would improve immensely.

I suspect yours would if you got rid of yours too…

gamerchick · 09/02/2023 21:34

FurAndFeathers · 09/02/2023 20:36

@Alasia1983

“sorry love but that was a bit spicy/salty for me”

”thanks for booking that was nice but maybe a bit more seasoning next time”

”sorry love I know you’ve gone to a lot of effort but I’m afraid I didn’t like that, would you mind if got some toast?”

basically communication in a relationship should be kind, respectful, honest and affectionate

i suspect your relationship isn’t

do you think your anxiety might be related to his dickish behaviour?

Show quote history

With your examples, I'd tell you to cook your own tea. Poor bugger. Hmm

FromMyKitchen21 · 09/02/2023 21:34

I have a tip for overcoming your anxiety. LTB

mathanxiety · 09/02/2023 21:34

How do you know what's abuse and what's...something else?

If you find yourself explaining norms of civility to a grown adult who presumably manages to hold down a job, then what you're dealing with is abuse. And no amount of explaining g is going to make a difference. He's choosing to treat you badly because he's enjoying putting you down, making dramatic gestures, producing pained facial expressions, and playing the game called Guess What You've Done Wrong Now (aka You Silly, Pathetic, Incompetent Woman).

If you confront him about it and he refuses to apologise or make any effort to behave differently then be assured he's choosing to hurt you.

If he reserves this behaviour for the woman he promised to love, honour, and respect, and his colleagues or clients get Mr Sunshine, then he's choosing to use you as a convenient garbage can, the place where he dumps everything negative.

What difference does it make if he's autistic or whatever? He's a jerk.

You're married to a horrible man. You don't owe him patience or the benefit of the doubt or daily forgiveness of abusive behaviour and rudeness and coldness.

TaRaDeBumDeAy · 09/02/2023 21:36

He's abusive, please leave him.

ethermint · 09/02/2023 21:36

Sounds like you are anxious about cooking because you are worried about his reaction! Were you anxious about cooking before you met him? If not I think you have your answer. Sounds like an idiot!

monsteramunch · 09/02/2023 21:37

He's generally quite inconsiderate, monosyllabic, walks round with a face like a slapped arse a lot of the time, but then will be outside and spot one of the neighbours and have a lovely, upbeat, smiley chat with them.

Ugh. This is so horrible for your kids as well as you OP.

They're being taught that a man's job is to put on a show for neighbours but not be kind and friendly to his wife or the kids he lives with, whether they are his biologically or not.

They're being taught that it's normal for a man to be laughing and smiley then shut the door and go back to sulking and being miserable.

It's so confusing for kids and sets them up to think toxic dynamics are normal and acceptable.

As a 'eggshells house' / 'dads in a mood again' child, I promise you that.

PARunnerGirl · 09/02/2023 21:56

@Alasia1983 He is stony faced and silent and walking around in the huff. Who WOULDN’T press him to ask what’s wrong? It’s passive aggressive. He knows this is something you aren’t confident about and having tried and done a good job means you might gain confidence.

In this situation, an emotionally abusive partner might not like the idea of you gaining confidence because they may use a lack of confidence to control you, in that you have to rely on them for certain things (in this case cooking). It bruises their ego, rather than them feeling happy that the person they loved has succeeded in something.

Only you configure out if this is the case in your relationship. If it is, the same thing will probably be happening in other situations.

Spottycarousel · 09/02/2023 21:58

He sounds emotionally abusive and controlling..

StrawHatOnTheParcelShelf · 09/02/2023 22:01

Alasia1983 · 09/02/2023 18:45

How do you read between the lines? In all honesty, yes I do wonder whether he's abusive but I keep second guessing myself and wondering whether he might actually be autistic, or have some other mental issue?

He doesn't ever apologise when he upsets me and generally has a cold manner about him, no empathy at all and no ability to be able to see how his actions affect people.

But how do you what's abuse and what's...something else?

Show quote history

Whatever you call it, he's unpleasant and creating a miserable environment in your home. You and your kids deserve better than that.

Honestly OP I'd suggest spending less time wondering why he's the way he is and whether it's normal, and more time creating a happy life for you and your kids.

mrsfennel · 09/02/2023 22:06

I tried to make scones during lockdown. they were disgusting, burnt on outside and raw in the middle.

My dad made a point of having a second one, saying 'Hmmm, this shortbread is lovely'. 😂😂