What's the proper way to handle not liking someone's cooking?

[Alasia1983]

Apologies if this is a bit petty, but I'm trying to work out whether my partner was being rude or whether actually, he handled it well and I'm taking offence for no reason!

We got home at 5pm today due to traffic (we usually eat at 5) and I started straight on with the chicken and rice/stir fry thing I had already planned on making.

I don't usually cook as I have severe anxiety and so he usually does it, but this time I felt confident enough to try.

By 5.30 it was ready and I was pleased it was all cooked, the chicken had hit the right internal temp, it looked slightly weird as I put eggs in it too (kind of an egg fried rice thing) and they didn't really clump up, just covered everything in tiny white bits, but me and my children ate all of ours with the children saying how nice it was and that they wanted it again - they're autistic and quite fussy eaters, so this was a win for me!

My partner ate stony faced, in silence (not actually unusual for him in fairness) and got up with his half full plate, scaped it into the bin and went upstairs.
He does usually just disappear after he's eaten until its time for him to hoover, but I felt embarrassed as he'd thrown so much food away.

Next time he was in the room I said "it's a shame you didnt like the meal, the children said they liked it a lot". Silence.
I said it again as he came back into the kitchen and he just looked at me then walked out again.
I told him its rude to ignore and he said "I don't know what you want me to say. I didn't like it".

I asked why and he said it was "clumped together and not very tasty".
I completely disagree as the rice was one of those pouches anyway so wasn't stuck together and I could taste the individual elements. I followed a recipe and used their advice for amounts of soy sauce etc and was actually quite pleased with the taste.

The thing is, he always says this kind of thing when I cook (which is very rarely). I always take offence but I wonder whether I'm being silly? I didn't expect a gold star or anything but he was so...cold about how much he didn't like my food and I ended up feeling stupid and embarrassed.

Was it me, or was he a bit insensitive?

Say you're on a diet

It’s not you! He’s acting like a sulky teenager, sitting there with a face on, going off without saying anything and going for an Xbox session.
Would he behave like this to his mother?
The food was clearly OK if the kids liked it. It’s not the food that’s the problem here, it’s the way he behaves when he happens not to like it. I do wonder whether he didn’t like the kids saying they enjoyed it, because he likes to feel that you can’t cook and he can.

For what it's worth @Alasia1983 I like the sound of what you cooked. But of course that isn't the issue. If my OH cooked something I didn't like, I would do my best to enjoy and would thank him for making it (like your stepdad, we always thank whoever's cooked in our house). If he directly asked me if I liked it, then I wouldn't lie. But I would be polite about it. I would reassure him that it might just be a taste thing, and I'm still grateful he made it. And the same would go if it was the other way round.

So, no, your partner was plain rude. He was clearly in a strop and wanted to upset you. You've said a few things that ring alarm bells.

He's often sulky, stoney faced, in a bad mood. He doesn't mind upsetting you, won't apoligise. In fact he seems to go out of his way to upset you. He ran off to play on his XBox in a strop - he sounds like a moody 14 year old. He's setting a terrible example to your children.

I suspect you would be a lot less anxious if he wasn't in your life.

Seriously, he sounds abusive. But a title for it isn't important. What you do know is that this man doesn't show you love or care or even basic respect. You and your children would benefit from him not being in your lives.

The cooking is, pardon the unintended pun, a red herring. The issue is that your DP is a moody, passive-aggressive arsehole who doesn’t respect you.

He’s got you thinking you’re a shit cook and only he can do it right. Your kids enjoying it, and asking for it again directly contradicts this put down of his so he made his point by being rude to take away from a positive achievement.

He’s abusive.

If my husband didn't like something I cooked he would absolutely lie and say he loved it. I do 95% of the cooking and he always expresses gratitude. The other night I made a pasta that turned out really weird and we both took a bite and made eye contact and I laughed and said oh no it's horrible! And he said "no it isn't, I love it! It's just a little bit cheesy!"

He does all the laundry and I always thank him, even when it piles up a bit or he shrinks a sweater.

Gratitude is great for relationships. Your partner's behavior was horrible, an odd meal is no reason to be a jerk.

The proper way to deal with it us eat it all in my opinion and then thank the person who cooked for you.

Throwing food away (whether you liked it or not) is not the done thing in this house. If you are an adult, such it is and eat it.

Suck it up. Not such it is!

"How do you know what's abuse, or something else?"

I wish I'd known earlier that it doesn't matter whether there's a "reason" for why someone acts badly towards me. It's the effect on you that matters. If he's not making you happy, you don't have to stay with him even if there is a reason for the way he acts.

And I too wonder whether your anxiety is caused/worsened/perpetuated by his behaviour.

And if I really didn't like something my partner cooked*
then I'd thank him for it and be a bit non-committal at the time, and if he suggested it again then I'd suggest an alternative.

*there was a pasta thing with peaches and garlic that I wasn't keen to have again!

Sorry OP but this is a form of emotional abuse. How dare he give you the silent treatment over a meal. You wouldn't tolerate this from the children so why should you from a grown man.

@Alasia1983 I do 100% of the cooking at home and my DH is like your stepdad and thanks me for every meal, even a sandwich. Takes nothing to be polite and grateful but it means a lot to be appreciated for the time and effort you put in. You sound lovely and like you made a real effort, don't let him knock you.

Garlic and peach pasta?! 😱

THIS all day long

Get rid of him.

Wow, out of all the replies, this really got to me.

My children DO always say thank you after their meal so you're right, if they can do it, why can't he?

Oh god, ^another one!

Why are you subjecting you and your children to this horrible specimen?

Just, why??

DH and I have quite different tastes/cooking styles so not uncommonly one of us makes something the other isn't so keen on.

We always thank whoever did the cooking, but unlike some PP wouldn't lie about how great something was if we didn't like it. We try to give specific feedback if possible e.g. it was a bit too spicy/I didn't like the texture of x/think it needs a bit more y. Equally, if there's something we love, we say so!

Our marriage is far from perfect but neither of us would be so rude about a meal someone else had cooked.

Well, it's not can't so much as won't, isn't it, when he can be perfectly lovely to the neighbours but not even crack a smile for you.
He has agency, he has a choice and he knows what he's doing.

Thank you all, and especially thanks to those who gave advice on the egg - I understand what I did wrong now so at least I won't be making that particular mistake again :)

I ate the leftovers this afternoon for lunch and I still thought it tasted good, so I will cook it again but for just me and the children this time.

As for him, I'm still struggling with believing he might be abusive but he's definitely rude and ignorant - we went shopping for the weekend's food earlier, he walks slowly due to leg issues and I went ahead but then turned to wait for him to catch up, he seemed annoyed when he got to me and I said "I was waiting for you to get to me" to which he snapped "you don't need to wait for me do you?". So I snapped back that I'd waited because I was going to say something to him but whatever, and that's where the conversation ended :(

Hard to explain without typing a million words, but it's just stuff like that, that really brings me down.
Unnecessary rudeness in the first place, but then no apology afterwards if you realised - or are told - you've hurt someone's feelings.

True. Ok. Thank you.

I wish you lots of strength, OP, and lots of love (which you deserve – not pa, abusive, surly behaviour!)

OP just to emphasise, the above is absolutely the normal response to having food cooked for you in any situation. Anything else is downright rude. In many households his reaction would end up with the food over his head and not being cooked for again. You really have a problem with this man

Please do put your kids first and end this relationship OP.

They're being taught that a man's job is to put on a show for neighbours but not be kind and friendly to his wife or the kids he lives with, whether they are his biologically or not.

They're being taught that it's normal for a man to be laughing and smiley then shut the door and go back to sulking and being miserable.

It's so confusing for kids and sets them up to think toxic dynamics are normal and acceptable.

As a 'eggshells house' / 'dads in a mood again' child, I promise you that.

"He's generally quite inconsiderate, monosyllabic, walks round with a face like a slapped arse a lot of the time, but then will be outside and spot one of the neighbours and have a lovely, upbeat, smiley chat with them."

That was something that always upset me about my ex - he was almost always nice to other people, and almost never nice to me. With my current partner we make a point of being nice and kind towards each other, at least as much as we are to other people.

Your partner could be nice to you, but is choosing not to be. He is very lucky that you have stayed with him for so long. You don't have to stay any longer than you want to.

You deserve someone who treats you well, is nice, kind and respectful towards you.