What's the proper way to handle not liking someone's cooking?

[Alasia1983]

Apologies if this is a bit petty, but I'm trying to work out whether my partner was being rude or whether actually, he handled it well and I'm taking offence for no reason!

We got home at 5pm today due to traffic (we usually eat at 5) and I started straight on with the chicken and rice/stir fry thing I had already planned on making.

I don't usually cook as I have severe anxiety and so he usually does it, but this time I felt confident enough to try.

By 5.30 it was ready and I was pleased it was all cooked, the chicken had hit the right internal temp, it looked slightly weird as I put eggs in it too (kind of an egg fried rice thing) and they didn't really clump up, just covered everything in tiny white bits, but me and my children ate all of ours with the children saying how nice it was and that they wanted it again - they're autistic and quite fussy eaters, so this was a win for me!

My partner ate stony faced, in silence (not actually unusual for him in fairness) and got up with his half full plate, scaped it into the bin and went upstairs.
He does usually just disappear after he's eaten until its time for him to hoover, but I felt embarrassed as he'd thrown so much food away.

Next time he was in the room I said "it's a shame you didnt like the meal, the children said they liked it a lot". Silence.
I said it again as he came back into the kitchen and he just looked at me then walked out again.
I told him its rude to ignore and he said "I don't know what you want me to say. I didn't like it".

I asked why and he said it was "clumped together and not very tasty".
I completely disagree as the rice was one of those pouches anyway so wasn't stuck together and I could taste the individual elements. I followed a recipe and used their advice for amounts of soy sauce etc and was actually quite pleased with the taste.

The thing is, he always says this kind of thing when I cook (which is very rarely). I always take offence but I wonder whether I'm being silly? I didn't expect a gold star or anything but he was so...cold about how much he didn't like my food and I ended up feeling stupid and embarrassed.

Was it me, or was he a bit insensitive?

You could have it again next week (Nb cook the egg first while the pans clean take it out and put it back in just before you serve) and ask kindly if he’d like a microwave meal for himself as you know he wasn’t keen on it.

He IS being rude and it’s worse if your kids are anxious about new flavours as he’s making it harder. Make sure THEY know better ways to behave and that they’re having it again soon so it becomes “good”.

I've cooked some abominations of meals, but me and my partner would just laugh about it. Pick our way through it and he will always thank me, even if it's a thank you for trying. If I don't like something I'll say, but we both always try to be polite or find a positive.

He has in the past not liked things and it's gone in the bin but he will always explain what he didn't like about it, in a polite way

He's generally quite inconsiderate, monosyllabic, walks round with a face like a slapped arse a lot of the time.

He doesn't ever apologise when he upsets me and generally has a cold manner about him, no empathy at all and no ability to be able to see how his actions affect people.

My partner ate stony faced, in silence (not actually unusual for him in fairness) and got up with his half full plate, scaped it into the bin and went upstairs.

Do you think your home is a happy one for your children when you’ve got someone like this around all the time?

I’m asking because I would focus less on whether this is abuse, and on how horrible that sounds.

Does he like your children? Do they like him?

Does he treat them well? Or is he inconsiderate, silent, stony faced, walking around with a face on, monosyllabic, cold and devoid of empathy when dealing with them, too?

Mil has anxiety re cooking and it comes from fil being an supportive twat when she tried meals. It always amazes me the way women will tolerate being treated by disrespectful idiots.

The man is a rude, bad-mannered arse.

How's his cooking? Because if I were you, it would be time for you to start cooking meals just for you and the dc and he can bloomin' well make his own dinner, the ungrateful bastard.

He’s horrible, op. It’s nothing to do with your cooking or what you’ve done- he’s a nasty piece of work. Not surprised you’re anxious having to deal with a man like that.

Get out or get him out. You and your kids can be so much happier.

I do the vast majority of cooking and DH would never say anything other than thank you. I'm normally more critical of my own cooking and he of his own and he will get up to get salt if he feels it needs more seasoning (cook for small ones so conscious of salt).

I'm another who think your anxiety is related to your "D"P

Being stony faced through dinner, demonstratively getting up before everyone is finished to scrape yours into the bin and disappearing upstairs -
none of those are normal. LTB.

PS the trick to egg fried rice is to cook the egg - scramble it basically - before stirring it into the rice. You can do it in the same pan by pushing rice to one side while you add the egg and cook it a bit,
and only then mixing it. If my DH cooked what you did, I’d eat and thank him and then maybe gently mention how I find this technique works better. Or I might keep quiet if he looks like he has already had a day of it :)

No wonder you’re anxious about cooking if he behaves in that way. The dinner sounds nice. You enjoyed it and so did the kids, it was obviously tasty. It sounds to me like he was pissed off that it was nice, he’d rather you’d made a pigs ear of it. When I first met my ex I couldn’t cook a thing. We moved in together and I started to learn how to cook. He thoroughly enjoyed it when I made mistakes and made patronising passive/aggressive comments. Over time my cooking improved and I realised that I had quite a knack for it. Other people enjoyed my food and as my confidence grew I started to make more adventurous dishes. Considerably more adventurous than anything he ever made……..he hated that! He just couldn’t bring himself to compliment me.
I’m sorry OP but he sounds like a big baby. His behaviour was rude under any circumstances but knowing that you suffer with anxiety it was actually quite spiteful. An adult going into a strop because he didn’t like his dinner, what a baby

Yes its the getting up while everyone is still eating and throwing the food away, then walking off -it’s the equivalent of shouting YUCK

the kids might have finished his!

normally one would say something like :

him ”oh new receipe ?
you ”well yeah, do you like it ? “
him ”err, not really, x y z pus me off”
you ”oh, ok, we won’t have it again”
him ”but thanks for cooking babe”

how do you put up with that arsehole ?

Well seeing that
1- the dcs loved it and ate it all and they are particular about their food
2- you are anxious about cooking so usually leave it up to him

He shouldn’t have said a thing, even if he actually had found it ‘not seasoned enough’.

Plus of the issue was actually the seasoning, he could have added some soy sauce etc… in his plate anyway. No big deal.

But tbh, the fact he is ALWAYS unhappy about your cooking and always reacts like this is telling me there is something else going on. Like he prefers when he is doing the cooking/he is a prick/whatever…

In my house we would just say 'I'm so sorry my love, I don't like this very much' I would be a bit sad about it because I like it when people like my cooking especially my husband. But it would not be a drama.

Your DH is incredibly rude op. Set your bar higher.

Btw @AlisonDonut , my dh is autistic and so is dc2. FIL was very likely in the spectrum too.

None of them would behave like this.
It’s rude to get up before everyone else for a start.
Dh wouldn’t tell me the meal wasn’t good/nice. He would tell me he wasn’t keen - recognising that me and the dcs liked it.
dc2 is likely to say ‘well it’s a bit meh….’.

No big theatrical movement to show how awful it is Wo saying anything. It’s passive aggressive and hurtful.

Btw, the reason why you asked is BECAUSE he made his point very clear but in a PA way which left you with no way to have a discussion. And just like a normal person, you tried to connect with him to understand. Pretty normal in my book when he was so clear in his message.

As another poster said, I’d have a look at what other behaviours he is displaying. From what you have said so far, he is a twat. But he might actually be abusive….

A sweet husband will be polite and not complain. Your h didn’t complain but obviously felt the food was terrible. And after you kept after him about it, he finally told you he didn’t like it. His behavior leaves a lot to be desired. That said, would you like a bit of advice?

Have you considered learning how to cook well? I didn’t know how to cook at first but learned over the years. It made a huge difference to my family when I learned to cook very good dinners that they really like. Not dinners I want to cook for only myself, but that my family will like too. I kept wanting to make vegetarian dishes because that’s what I liked. My family loves big slabs of meat. So, I made an effort to include their particular likes and they are now all very happy and so am I.

My husband tells me if he doesn’t like something and I’m glad he does, because otherwise I wouldn’t know. In fact I ask my family to give me feedback. I also give him feedback when he cooks.

The famous cook Marcella Hazan would get critiqued by her husband every night and that’s how she got so good. So don’t take it personally. Take it as a challenge. I think you’ll notice his mood and attitude improves at least to a degree. If it were me, that’s what I’d try instead of guilting him into eating chicken with egg on it then expecting an apology. I wouldn’t eat enjoy that either. But then I don’t like egg in chicken and rice dishes. Be thoughtful of your family’s likes and dislikes.

Now if he’s basically a jerk all the time then that’s another matter. But try this and see what happens.

That's nice but did you mean to tell the OP this rather than me?

I think I'd have anxiety too if I had to put up with living with him.
I'd not cook for him either.
This has made me feel really sad for you. I've read a lot of posts about horrible men on here but this is just really sad.
You come across as a really lovely person. I do hope this isn't your life forever.

So basically your op is a street angel, house devil. How does he treat your children?

The meal you cooked sounds fine. If he found it bland he could have added more seasoning etc. The throwing it away etc was cruel.

You asked this question:

How do you read between the lines? In all honesty, yes I do wonder whether he's abusive but I keep second guessing myself and wondering whether he might actually be autistic, or have some other mental issue?

You had already answered this yourself, here:

He's generally quite inconsiderate, monosyllabic, walks round with a face like a slapped arse a lot of the time, but then will be outside and spot one of the neighbours and have a lovely, upbeat, smiley chat with them.

There's nothing to wonder about, OP. He's awful to you and he should go.

That goes above and beyond insensitive, its bloody rude. Your stepdad behaved that way towards your mum because he had manners and was clearly a gentleman. Your 'D'H isn't.

I cook 90% of the meals in our house (because I love cooking not because DH doesn't offer). DH is slowly building up a repertoire of meals as he never cooked at all before he met me. If either of us weren't keen on a meal the other had cooked we'd still be grateful and just agree on an adaptation or way to improve it next time. Your DP was rude.

Sweetie, he’s not a nice person. Egg can go bitty in fried rice but the rest sounds fine, and I cook a lot.

My DH would know better than to get the face on when I’d gone to the effort of cooking. I get a thank you after every meal I cook. Good or bad.

When he likes it he tells me how much he loves me.

This is not normal behaviour, get rid of the moody bastard.

@Alasia1983 ‘When I was a child, my stepdad would always make a big deal of finishing his meal, always saying "that was lovely, thank you" to my mum, even when she had only made beans on toast 😊 so maybe my view is a bit skewed and I'm expecting too much?’ no, you expectations are spot on. Another poster mentioned her partner might say I didn’t love it but thanks for making it for me. I love cooking and eat out a lot but when someone cooks me a homemade meal now I LOVE it, even if I’m not fussed on the food itself. From what you say this is not a nice man or a good partner and i don’t think your happiness will be increased by staying with him

he might be autistic or he might not, being autistic certainly doesn't make you rude and insensitive to your partner’s feelings or ignore them when you have hurt them or strop like an over grown child… that a red herring here, he just sounds horrible

Whether or not he liked the meal is beside the point. One should always thank a person that made a meal.