What's the proper way to handle not liking someone's cooking?

[Alasia1983]

Apologies if this is a bit petty, but I'm trying to work out whether my partner was being rude or whether actually, he handled it well and I'm taking offence for no reason!

We got home at 5pm today due to traffic (we usually eat at 5) and I started straight on with the chicken and rice/stir fry thing I had already planned on making.

I don't usually cook as I have severe anxiety and so he usually does it, but this time I felt confident enough to try.

By 5.30 it was ready and I was pleased it was all cooked, the chicken had hit the right internal temp, it looked slightly weird as I put eggs in it too (kind of an egg fried rice thing) and they didn't really clump up, just covered everything in tiny white bits, but me and my children ate all of ours with the children saying how nice it was and that they wanted it again - they're autistic and quite fussy eaters, so this was a win for me!

My partner ate stony faced, in silence (not actually unusual for him in fairness) and got up with his half full plate, scaped it into the bin and went upstairs.
He does usually just disappear after he's eaten until its time for him to hoover, but I felt embarrassed as he'd thrown so much food away.

Next time he was in the room I said "it's a shame you didnt like the meal, the children said they liked it a lot". Silence.
I said it again as he came back into the kitchen and he just looked at me then walked out again.
I told him its rude to ignore and he said "I don't know what you want me to say. I didn't like it".

I asked why and he said it was "clumped together and not very tasty".
I completely disagree as the rice was one of those pouches anyway so wasn't stuck together and I could taste the individual elements. I followed a recipe and used their advice for amounts of soy sauce etc and was actually quite pleased with the taste.

The thing is, he always says this kind of thing when I cook (which is very rarely). I always take offence but I wonder whether I'm being silly? I didn't expect a gold star or anything but he was so...cold about how much he didn't like my food and I ended up feeling stupid and embarrassed.

Was it me, or was he a bit insensitive?

When I make something new, I ask what people think. I get reactions like “nice” “really good” “it’s alright but not my favourite”

he was really rude and awful

She didn’t describe autism as “mental”, she said it was a “mental issue” ie to do with the mind.

The reasonable response is:

Thanks for that, but I wasn't a huge fan I'm afraid. (With a smile of appreciation.)

BUT tbh he was only explicitly critical and rude after you had asked him several times. You knew he didn't like it so not sure what you expected him to say?

He's an arsehole.
my DP can't cook. Mostly he doesn't, I do, but once a week he cooks and the meals are usually edible but with something not right - burnt or sloppy or something. I eat the nice bits of the meal and if I have to leave a bit I say thank you that was lovely and I'm full. I would never want to discourage him from cooking, even if the food is hit and miss he's making the effort and can only get better!

*He's generally quite inconsiderate, monosyllabic, walks round with a face like a slapped arse a lot of the time, but then will be outside and spot one of the neighbours and have a lovely, upbeat, smiley chat with them.

He also never apologises when he upsets me, so why I'm so surprised this time I don't know.*

OP, this is not the sort of person anyone chooses to be in a relationship with. He clearly isn’t happy, and you should be unhappy too. If you’re not, it’s because he’s conditioned you to accept the way he is. His behaviour is wrong, and not something you should be tolerating. What do you love about him? It can’t be more significant than what you’ve described here.

Someone who behaved like this to me, while purporting to be my partner (i.e. the person who loves, respects, supports, raises up and cares for me) would find their belongings in the porch and my foot up his arse, long before he had chance to criticise my food. Why don’t you feel the same? It sounds to me like you have a third child here, rather than a partner.

My ex would always say if he didn’t like something, but then his whole family do. I find it so rude when he tells his SIL he doesn’t like something. But then he would always say when he did like it, and he would just say he didn’t like it, no sulking. Not over food. He sulked about other stuff which is why he’s my ex. I was raised to say you like it, even if you don’t. He never understood that.

Often I chuck a load of chilli sauce on to hide an unpalatable flavour which makes things easier to eat too!

It's possible to read between the lines OP by not purely focussing on the food. But by looking at all you have told us about his behaviour.
Someone who blanks you and then can be all sweetness and light with the neighbours is carefully choosing their behaviour to you, and choosing to be abusive to you.
This is abusive
Stick around on here, and you will learn to spot it.
This relationship is not good, and it is not good/healthy for you and your DCs.

Congratulations on your teenage lodger..
Get rid op.

He is a rude ignorant arse. Take absolutely no notice of him. Or better, tell him to sod off and get himself a takeaway.

It someone is presented with a meal that they really don't like, they should simply say "I'm sorry, this really isn't my thing, I'll make myself a cheese sandwich instead."

And that's it! No sullen, walking out of the room, silent treatment or rudeness. It happens. I hate the taste of cumin and have been presented with curry so many times. I just eat the rice and any sides, or get myself another meal. It isn't any trouble at all and doesn't require any fuss.

Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry to the poster I offended, have just been back to check what I wrote (because I didn't remember calling autism a mental issue) and see that is actually what I wrote, however the sentence should have read "or some kind of mental health issue". Apologies!

Ah yes I was going to say similar to this. If we cook something new we tend to critique or comment on the recipe without making it personal. More of a "what do you think of this, do you like it?" conversation and then sharing our views. Sometimes we both like it sometimes not, but it isn't a personal attack. If you followed the steps and weren't slapdash (I'm sure you weren't, it sounds like you were very careful) it's hardly your fault if he doesn't like it! Personally I think it sounds like a nice dinner!

He sounds pretty mean to you OP.

DH and I do however argue about how long it takes him to cook even the most simple meal. He can take upwards of half an hour doing beans on toast 🤣 but that's another story!!

OP, he is horrible. He is controlling and abusive.

He sounds really nasty. I don’t think a kind man would behave like this, and everyone deserves to be with someone who is kind to them. X

I usually cook and my husband loves most things. After the odd disaster however, he'll say 'sorry darl, I really can't eat it, I'm so sorry!' And we have a laugh about it. That's how it should be, happy, kind, affectionate.

Don't settle for less, don't make your kids live with such behaviour. They will pick up on so much including your anxiety - I can pick it up from your posts and your apologetic manner.

He silently scraped the remaining half of the dinner into the bin? In front you and the kids? That’s the bit I find the most shocking. The passive aggressive WASTE of food that was enjoyed by everyone else, just to make a point.

With all the other points you mention, I think you’d be much happier without this person in your life. His behaviour you have described so far is abusive. It is NOT going to be good for your kids to grow up and learn this as ‘normal’.

It sounds like he has made a policy decision to criticise any meals you make to undermine/upset you.

@Alasia1983

If I don't like something my partner cooks it depends on how much I don't like it as to whether I say something!

So if it was something that was ok but I wasn't that keen I probably wouldn't mention it but try to avoid having it again!

If it was something that I really disliked and couldn't eat, I would tell him in a kind way. This happened the other day with a too runny boiled egg! I felt awful but I had to say I couldn't eat it - he was fine about it.

I'm delighted he's not your children's dad. You and they no longer need to have anything to do with this bellend.

Get him out or get out. You and your children will be much happier. And I can promise you that your anxiety will be much reduced.

Perfect description of a functional conversation!

Buy an expensive ready meal and serve that up to him. See what criticism he has then (make out you cooked it).

He sounds cruel and unpleasant. Maybe there's more to this. Does he generally undermine you, or do you think it really is just about your cooking?

Was he actually any different today than on every other day? Sounds like he always sits in silence, looks unhappy, leaves the room straight after, doesn't engage. So the only difference was that you pushed him to say he didn't like the food.

How he is sounds difficult to live with and unpleasant. It doesn't sound like it's got much to do with your cooking.

If I didn't like a meal I wouldn't comment either way, would leave it then chuck it in food recycling. If asked, I would comment but otherwise not. If it was a regular thing I'd try to avoid mealtimes or start cooking my own meals.

But why would anyone be "stoneyfaced and sad" because they didn't like a meal? I mean, I guess if I spent £100 at a 5 star restaurant and the food was awful I might be "stoneyfaced and sad" - because I was angry at the waste of money. He is communicating anger and displeasure at you, so no wonder you wanted reassurance.

It's not reasonable to act angry and displeased because you're not a fan of a meal your partner cooked for you, it's bordering on emotional abuse. He's put you in the role of trying to please him.

In a healthy partnership, you are both working together against the world, laughing at the silly recipe book, or gently helping each other out by cooking together and teaching tips and trick.

The fact you and your children liked it is all that matters.

Could he possibly be jealous you cooked something that you and kids liked.....like he's losing control of cooking ?

He really doesn't sound a pleasant person to be around... the fact he can smile with neighbours, tells me a lot about his character.

Does your anxiety increase when you're around him ?

How do you live with someone like this?

Moody in the house, chatty outside.

Honestly life is too short for this constant shit.

Food, dinner around a table with the family is supposed to be a time of chat and connection regardless of if it's just beans on toast or a 3 hour recipe extravaganza. Whether you put egg in a stir fry or not is the least of your issues OP. Can you not see this?

It sounds like you were looking for validation from him about yourself asking if he liked dinner. Your lives sound so regimental, eat at 5pm, then hoover, there seems no space for things to just organically emerge from that evening's energy.

He sounds awful OP. Are you really sure he is worth trying to impress?