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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH extreme reaction to my affair

537 replies

affairdilemma · 08/02/2023 10:38

Looking for advice as am tying myself up in knots over this.

DH and I have been in the doldrums for some time, he basically completely checked out when we had kids (we have 2 under 5). Don’t want to go into it too much as it’s not the point of this thread but short version is I work ft, he has a very part time job (usually about 5 hours a week, with the odd week 2-3 times a year of more), we have full time childcare in place and I do everything for the kids. We started fighting about that, he considered it fair as he was still funding the household 50% so it was his time to do with as his pleased, we needed to split weekend load 50/50 (lots of fights about petty stuff like me going to get a haircut AND go to the gym on the weekend and him going mad because he didn’t have a break that day and me pointing out he has a break 5 days a week which he didn’t accept). Anyway I felt completely neglected and pressured in the marriage and ended up having an affair of sorts - only met 3 times and kissed but it was very intense emotionally and happened over the course of a year.

Turned out that DH had been suspicious of me for a long time and was going through my emails etc. After I came back from the third meet-up he caught me (read everything including my diary) and went MAD. He went and burnt the clothes I was wearing when I met the om, verbally threatened me (said he’d smash my face into the wall etc) and on one occasion assaulted me sexually. It went on for about 5 days and a lot happened in the middle of the night. I was frightened and on the brink of thinking about leaving, police etc when he left for a week for a well timed work trip. While he was away he visited the OM and I think threatened him (I don’t know, the OM cut all contact after that meeting and I’ve never heard from him again).

When he came back he was more normal, not as aggressive anymore. We have been working to repair our marriage over the last 6 months and he has been in individual therapy as he now acknowledges the core issues of his selfishness and neglect of me and affair being a symptom of that. (Before anyone jumps on me, OBVIOUSLY in parallel I hugely regret the affair and the hurt I have caused and have taken responsibility and am doing my own work on this.)

But I am struggling with getting past his behaviour in the immediate aftermath of discovery. He was aggressive and violent and frightening. His view is that “people do crazy things when they find out about affairs” and is dismissive of it as in his view he was in so much emotional pain he went crazy. And of course he is sorry but he puts it down to just the emotion of the immediate chaos of discovery. Which I understand. BUT. I am struggling with accepting behaviour that, in any other circumstance, would be an absolute deal breaker for me.

what do I do? I want to get over it but I feel in a real dilemma and it’s blocking us moving forward.

OP posts:
ErinAndTonic · 08/02/2023 23:12

Bard6817 · 08/02/2023 10:43

Sorry but this post reeks of:

If a man cheats - it’s because he’s a b**d, if a woman cheats - there’s a problem in the relationship.

Ultimately - he changed - you cheated - he’s abusive. Time to move on with your life seperately.

I agree, if genders were reversed here the replies would be different. Asking how much work they were really doing and not just assuming.

That's not to make excuses though. You should just leave as clearly you're not happy, and he's also a piece of shit.

Penguinsaregreat · 08/02/2023 23:13

I don’t think your affair was in anyway justifiable. However, your dh worked 5 hours a week and had full time childcare!!!! Wow just wow then expected to have free time on top of this.
I would leave. That’s without the sexual assault issue.
You will be happier without him.

Hedgetrench · 08/02/2023 23:13

affairdilemma · 08/02/2023 21:31

I don’t wish to go into the details of the assault but it wasn’t touching me in his sleep. It was sustained and involved restraint of me. Of course I wouldn’t be worried about my husband touching me even if I didn’t particularly like it. I’m not an idiot.

That clarification changes my view entirely. There is no getting past that

Leirvassbu · 08/02/2023 23:18

Nothing pisses me off more than people coming on threads like this and saying "But if the genders were reversed blah blah".
If the genders were reversed and a woman said they had sexually assaulted their husband because he had had an affair, she would also be told that this was completely unacceptable.
I've seen threads before where a woman has hit her partner during an argument and she got her ass handed to her on a plate by fellow mumsnetters.

These "if the genders were reversed" people also don't seem to understand that often threads are similar, but the exact circumstances are not the same and that means that advice can differ.

And it's actually totally irrelevant what would happen if the genders were reversed because in this case a woman had an affair, her husband then verbally threatened her and sexually assaulted her.

But unfortunately a lot of the "if the genders were reversed" people seem to have their own agenda, popping up fairly late on threads (possibly when tipped off about them by people on the other forums they frequent) and spouting all this "compassion" stuff and squealing about the poor men. There is no place for compassion here. The DH restrained the OP and sexually assaulted her. That is completely unacceptable.

007DoubleOSeven · 08/02/2023 23:26

Hedgetrench · 08/02/2023 23:13

That clarification changes my view entirely. There is no getting past that

Show quote history

But the other sustained violence, threats of further violence and a less specifically written sexual assault didn't? OK then

GoldDuster · 08/02/2023 23:26

@Seapearlstar this has little to do with differing values and belief systems and a lot to do with the fact that physically attacking and abusing your wife, is against the law.

And that is a good thing.

Wearingatshirt · 08/02/2023 23:27

You've had an affair. Hes unhinged. What's the point of staying together. Things aren't right and you know it or else why would you have had an affair. A temporary repair will only prolong the inevitable and you'll live in fear of possible further attacks.

Comtesse · 08/02/2023 23:32

Someone who burnt my clothing in a fit of rage would not get much compassion from me I’m afraid. This is pretty damn scary.

JassyRadlett · 09/02/2023 00:05

Seapearlstar · 08/02/2023 23:01

Others being strangers with such diversity of values and belief systems

I fully have compassion for your feelings after what happened, I don’t have compassion for you cheating. I fully have compassion for him having what seems like a total breakdown over this, and I don’t have compassion for his minimising and denials.

Do you have compassion for her being actually sexually assaulted? That's the bit that seems to be missing from your compassion.

There is no symmetry in this situation. I make not apology for 'beliefs and values' that include thinking that there are no excuses for sexual assault.

FiddleLeaf · 09/02/2023 00:06

affairdilemma · 08/02/2023 10:42

I know. But of course more complex - it happened in the middle of the night and he says he wasn’t awake and didn’t know what he was doing. And then mid way through he sort of snapped and started crying and I had to put him back to bed. Not black and white.

It really is black and white

Derbee · 09/02/2023 00:30

affairdilemma · 08/02/2023 21:31

I don’t wish to go into the details of the assault but it wasn’t touching me in his sleep. It was sustained and involved restraint of me. Of course I wouldn’t be worried about my husband touching me even if I didn’t particularly like it. I’m not an idiot.

This is horrific. I’m sorry that you can’t see how horrific it is. I’m sorry that you haven’t left him yet. And I hate that the police haven’t been involved.

dakkflll119 · 09/02/2023 01:06

You had an affair. He could have kicked you out, he could have left you. He could have chucked all your belongings out of the house, but to burn your clothes, that is another level. And he sexually assaulted you. He will never trust you again, and you will life a life stepping on eggshells.

You are no use to your children if you are dead...and leaving him in charge of them.

AgentJohnson · 09/02/2023 03:37

Your young children should be the reason you leave, not stay.

Your marriage is a toxic shit show that no child should be exposed to. I do not care what either of your issues are, you do not work together as a couple and haven’t for a long time. It’s highly unlikely that his ‘change’ will be permanent and the toxicity will resurface sooner than you think. By staying you are extending the misery, for the short term ‘at least I tried’ self gratification.

Gift your children the gift of not having their parents awful marriage as their primary relationship role model.

category12 · 09/02/2023 06:19

This is such a troubling thread. You can really see how men's violence against women is normalised and justified in our society. People fighting so hard for it to be just as bad that op kissed another man as her dh assaulting her & threatening her. While we blame women for men's actions, it's no wonder we have such a problem.

Ameadowwalk · 09/02/2023 07:11

I agree, and it’s not just what you describe above, but the fact that he used her finger prints when she was asleep to access her private diary and then went and threatened the other man.

And before that we are talking about a man who was quite happy to see his wife working five days a week, do everything for the children and not have any free time to go to the gym or have a haircut without it being a source of argument. Violence does not come out of nowhere; it is not the result of being provoked; it comes from a sense of feeling superior and needing to reassert power.

My DD’s dad left me when she was a baby once I saw a text from his OW. None of what is described here as a reaction crossed my mind. There was some shouting and I asked him to leave as there was a baby in the house and I didn’t want her disturbed. But this post describes a days long rampage and a sexual assault, on top of some pretty controlling behaviour to start with. I honestly wonder if the reason the OP is staying is fear of what he would do if she said the marriage was over.

Ameadowwalk · 09/02/2023 07:12

Sorry, quote fail. I was replying to category12

CrescentMoons · 09/02/2023 07:15

The is sexual abuse emotional abuse and mental abuse - he’s teaching you to never ever ever do anything he doesn’t want again - it will escalate massively maybe not this week month or year - but he has shown you his true side believe and run

quietnightmare · 09/02/2023 07:43

@Rosscameasdoody
Clearly

Original poster
affairdilemma · 09/02/2023 09:04

Thank you all for your viewpoints. It’s been really helpful in clarifying that I’m not unreasonable in feeling this way. I think the first step is to lay out clearly how I’m feeling clearly and why this feels like a red line. If he takes full responsibility then I can reassess then but if not then I have my answer.

OP posts:
TicketBoo23 · 09/02/2023 09:14

- it happened in the middle of the night and he says he wasn’t awake and didn’t know what he was doing

Sounds like bollocks

TicketBoo23 · 09/02/2023 09:17

He was intensely selfish, lazy,neglectful, piss taking etc when you had babies/young kids .... He was violent and sexually assaulted you when he found out about an emotional affair.

He's not a good or well adjusted guy.

I seriously doubt he's going to change and it's too much for you to get past.

You should probably cut your losses.

BlueWhiteHat · 09/02/2023 09:19

Well done for making that decision about this would be a red line for you. Agree if with previous poster if he states this was a sleep sexual assault then there is fuck all to stop him doing that again then isn’t there

iusedtobeasize8 · 09/02/2023 09:19

The fact you had an affair is reason enough not to be together. Nothing excuses the sexual assault of course but I think the rest of his reactions see to be expected.
I consider myself a calm and reasonable person but if i were to find out that DH had been lying to me for a year and meeting up with another woman I would flip.

TicketBoo23 · 09/02/2023 09:20

If he takes full responsibility

For the sexual assault?

What can he say that'll make it ok .... The truth is he felt he had the right to do that. He wanted to dominate & use you sexually and he did. It was a form of control and punishment.

The values towards women (and all the behaviour around work/childcare etc) his behaviour shows is significant.

TicketBoo23 · 09/02/2023 09:23

He also felt he had the right to threaten the om.

Finding out about an emotional affair resulted in him essentially committing two crimes .... Two things he could've been reported a d charged for; raging against you and worst of all sexually assaulting you. Threatening the om with who knows what. That's criminal, volatile, extreme behaviour.

He's a lazy, entitled, using/exploiting, piss taking etc, chauvinist when he's not on the level ..... He's volatile and criminal when he's not on the level.

I think you're better out of there tbh.