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Original poster

DH extreme reaction to my affair

537 replies

affairdilemma · 08/02/2023 10:38

Looking for advice as am tying myself up in knots over this.

DH and I have been in the doldrums for some time, he basically completely checked out when we had kids (we have 2 under 5). Don’t want to go into it too much as it’s not the point of this thread but short version is I work ft, he has a very part time job (usually about 5 hours a week, with the odd week 2-3 times a year of more), we have full time childcare in place and I do everything for the kids. We started fighting about that, he considered it fair as he was still funding the household 50% so it was his time to do with as his pleased, we needed to split weekend load 50/50 (lots of fights about petty stuff like me going to get a haircut AND go to the gym on the weekend and him going mad because he didn’t have a break that day and me pointing out he has a break 5 days a week which he didn’t accept). Anyway I felt completely neglected and pressured in the marriage and ended up having an affair of sorts - only met 3 times and kissed but it was very intense emotionally and happened over the course of a year.

Turned out that DH had been suspicious of me for a long time and was going through my emails etc. After I came back from the third meet-up he caught me (read everything including my diary) and went MAD. He went and burnt the clothes I was wearing when I met the om, verbally threatened me (said he’d smash my face into the wall etc) and on one occasion assaulted me sexually. It went on for about 5 days and a lot happened in the middle of the night. I was frightened and on the brink of thinking about leaving, police etc when he left for a week for a well timed work trip. While he was away he visited the OM and I think threatened him (I don’t know, the OM cut all contact after that meeting and I’ve never heard from him again).

When he came back he was more normal, not as aggressive anymore. We have been working to repair our marriage over the last 6 months and he has been in individual therapy as he now acknowledges the core issues of his selfishness and neglect of me and affair being a symptom of that. (Before anyone jumps on me, OBVIOUSLY in parallel I hugely regret the affair and the hurt I have caused and have taken responsibility and am doing my own work on this.)

But I am struggling with getting past his behaviour in the immediate aftermath of discovery. He was aggressive and violent and frightening. His view is that “people do crazy things when they find out about affairs” and is dismissive of it as in his view he was in so much emotional pain he went crazy. And of course he is sorry but he puts it down to just the emotion of the immediate chaos of discovery. Which I understand. BUT. I am struggling with accepting behaviour that, in any other circumstance, would be an absolute deal breaker for me.

what do I do? I want to get over it but I feel in a real dilemma and it’s blocking us moving forward.

OP posts:
BritInAus · 09/02/2023 12:01

OP, would three reputable and credentialed therapists really let therapy continue with the aim of salvaging a relationship where one person has sexually assaulted the other?

Please leave this man.

007DoubleOSeven · 09/02/2023 12:45

airfryerandelectricblanket · 09/02/2023 11:45

Can't condone sexual assault!!!

However, some posters on here say it's wrong that he went through your emails etc. Yet when men are thought to be having affairs, posters always tell them to check emails and phones etc.

Double standards on here again!

You need to read the thread more carefully. Everything points to him actively monitoring her communications as part of a long-standing pattern of controlling behaviour. That's quite different to encouraging someone to check emails for evidence of an affair. The only double standards here are those excusing this dreadful man's actions.

007DoubleOSeven · 09/02/2023 12:46

@airfryerandelectricblanket I am also curious as to whether you condone sustained violent, threatening and dangerous behaviour? Or is it just sexual assault where draw the line?

Rosscameasdoody · 09/02/2023 14:14

Seapearlstar · 09/02/2023 10:24

Same here. I agree there’s reason enough for it to have ended when you cheated and for him to have not forgiven you. He’s still there, albeit broken and having reacted in one of the worst ways. Maybe he shouldn’t be, I wouldn’t be, not having lived with someone who treated cheating casually and put my heart and mind through hell with it.

If I’m reading this right, you are judging the OP for turning to another man after enduring years of being subjected to controlling behaviour - her DH has admitted that his behaviour contributed to what happened. He’s still there, yes, but you’re right, he shouldn’t be. She should have left him because no matter how ‘broken’ he was, it’s absolutely no excuse for what he did. Now he appears to be monitoring her movements, so there are clearly still trust issues. You either forgive and move on, or you leave. And why are you applying your own experience to the OP - nothing she has said indicates that she treated cheating casually. Three meet ups for a kiss and cuddle over a three year period suggests a need for comfort and an escape from the situation at home. Not the best solution I grant you, but putting herself in therapy when she realised how much trouble the marriage was in doesn’t scream casual to me.

Rosscameasdoody · 09/02/2023 14:14

Rosscameasdoody · 09/02/2023 14:14

If I’m reading this right, you are judging the OP for turning to another man after enduring years of being subjected to controlling behaviour - her DH has admitted that his behaviour contributed to what happened. He’s still there, yes, but you’re right, he shouldn’t be. She should have left him because no matter how ‘broken’ he was, it’s absolutely no excuse for what he did. Now he appears to be monitoring her movements, so there are clearly still trust issues. You either forgive and move on, or you leave. And why are you applying your own experience to the OP - nothing she has said indicates that she treated cheating casually. Three meet ups for a kiss and cuddle over a three year period suggests a need for comfort and an escape from the situation at home. Not the best solution I grant you, but putting herself in therapy when she realised how much trouble the marriage was in doesn’t scream casual to me.

Show quote history

Sorry, one year period, not three.

justasking111 · 09/02/2023 14:17

Are therapists just nodding donkeys who act like priests in the confessional??

Rosscameasdoody · 09/02/2023 14:27

Eyerollcentral · 08/02/2023 17:51

It’s still a betrayal of trust. I’ve already said nothing excuses bad behaviour. I don’t think it’s appropriate to throw terms around like rape on this forum not least of all because unless I have missed it the OP hasn’t used that term. You are putting words in to my mouth here and conflating issues.

Show quote history

Prolonged sexual assault that involved restraint. What would you call it ? This, terrorising her in the middle of the night and setting fire to her clothes goes wayyyyyyy beyond ‘bad behaviour’. And where is the betrayal of trust when it’s perfectly clear from the OP’s posts that he was controlling and suspicious long before she had the affair. If he’s resorted to online tracking of her movements after the affair, I think that’s a fair indication that he was doing it well before that. There doesn’t sound like there was much trust to betray.

harriethoyle · 09/02/2023 14:29

affairdilemma · 08/02/2023 21:31

I don’t wish to go into the details of the assault but it wasn’t touching me in his sleep. It was sustained and involved restraint of me. Of course I wouldn’t be worried about my husband touching me even if I didn’t particularly like it. I’m not an idiot.

@affairdilemma I just want to send you a lot of support and strength - this sounds horrific and I really hope that you are able to move past this in whatever way works best for you.

JessicaFletcherscrewnecksweater · 09/02/2023 14:43

Always surprised by the women on here who fall all over themselves to defend men.

Men don’t need you. They’re doing just fine on their own. It’s women who need the support.

Leirvassbu · 09/02/2023 15:01

Always surprised by the women on here who fall all over themselves to defend men

I suspect a lot of these posters are not women. The give away is when they appear fairly late in the thread and start justifying completely unacceptable behaviour by men, such as sexual assault.
And quite often screeching "if the genders were reversed" at us.

kateandme · 09/02/2023 15:35

Well let's all forgive rapists when they admit responsibility.ha fuck that.
He's not your love,partner,husband if he rapes you.hez a criminal. A monster even.no excuse.black and white.people do NOT fo this.
Whether you ate his lunch, had an affair or shot his grandma. You don't flip by raping someone and it is then accepted. Nope.no.no.no.no.no.no.

Derbee · 09/02/2023 15:42

Seapearlstar · 08/02/2023 23:01

Others being strangers with such diversity of values and belief systems

Show compassion for a grave mistake? You must be hard of understanding. Rape is not a mistake, not is it an act that should bring about compassion for the perpetrator.

I don’t know what the fuck I’ve just read.

category12 · 09/02/2023 16:14

justasking111 · 09/02/2023 14:17

Are therapists just nodding donkeys who act like priests in the confessional??

Apparently in this case.

Battyfumworts · 09/02/2023 16:34

Rape is about power, he was asserting power over OP, he was reminding her of her place, he did not flip.

I had that done to me, in what I thought was the safety of my own bed at night by my partner (at the time) for whatever ridiculous reason he had in his head. Sadly I didn’t see this for what it was until I finally left almost 10 years later after repeated violent events and even being reported by him for assault after he had assaulted me, he was convincing and the police believed him. Things were escalating terribly when I got out, I was isolated miles away from anyone I knew and I truly believe I’d be dead now if I hadn’t left when I did.

billy1966 · 09/02/2023 16:46

Battyfumworts · 09/02/2023 16:34

Rape is about power, he was asserting power over OP, he was reminding her of her place, he did not flip.

I had that done to me, in what I thought was the safety of my own bed at night by my partner (at the time) for whatever ridiculous reason he had in his head. Sadly I didn’t see this for what it was until I finally left almost 10 years later after repeated violent events and even being reported by him for assault after he had assaulted me, he was convincing and the police believed him. Things were escalating terribly when I got out, I was isolated miles away from anyone I knew and I truly believe I’d be dead now if I hadn’t left when I did.

Absolutely it was deliberate and about asserting his power of the OP.

@category12 I agree, hard to believe what class of therapists the OP is attending that her sexual assault isn't colouring everything and they are not insisting on no joint therapy with an abuser.

Is there much worse abuse than being woken in your own bed from sleep, to a sexual assault.......unbelievable.....as is the repeated defence of this violent thug by some posters.

Mercyovermerit · 09/02/2023 16:50

hallodarknessmyoldfriend · 08/02/2023 10:40

You have to leave.

He sexually assaulted you.

I echo this.

GoldDuster · 09/02/2023 17:13

OP you don't mention if you've spoken about what has happened to your therapists, either the invidiual or the couples? I'm thinking maybe not.

It would be entirely normal to be absolutely petrified in your situation, of what he might do if you told the truth to others, or ended the relationship. It would be absolutely reasonable after living with this and being ground down by his behaviour for years, that you literally cannot see a way out or believe that it is possible.

For every person on here weakly justifying what has happened, there are many more who hear you, and see what the situation is for what it is, which is not your fault in any way, serious, and warranting help, which I'm not sure you're currently getting from the therapy.

There are people here who have been in similar situations, have been through similar experiences and fully understand where you're at. Do not deny your reality.

DotAndCarryOne2 · 09/02/2023 18:55

GoldDuster · 09/02/2023 17:13

OP you don't mention if you've spoken about what has happened to your therapists, either the invidiual or the couples? I'm thinking maybe not.

It would be entirely normal to be absolutely petrified in your situation, of what he might do if you told the truth to others, or ended the relationship. It would be absolutely reasonable after living with this and being ground down by his behaviour for years, that you literally cannot see a way out or believe that it is possible.

For every person on here weakly justifying what has happened, there are many more who hear you, and see what the situation is for what it is, which is not your fault in any way, serious, and warranting help, which I'm not sure you're currently getting from the therapy.

There are people here who have been in similar situations, have been through similar experiences and fully understand where you're at. Do not deny your reality.

Op said upthread somewhere that she has disclosed this during therapy sessions and it was noted. Many posters on here echoing the fact that therapists should not be counselling couples where there has been abuse.

Tellingteller · 09/02/2023 18:59

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Tellingteller · 09/02/2023 19:04

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DotAndCarryOne2 · 09/02/2023 19:04

ErinAndTonic · 08/02/2023 23:12

I agree, if genders were reversed here the replies would be different. Asking how much work they were really doing and not just assuming.

That's not to make excuses though. You should just leave as clearly you're not happy, and he's also a piece of shit.

Show quote history

No. If a man posted on MN saying that he had experienced a similar situation at the hands of his female partner, he’d get the same advice as the OP is getting here. I can think of a couple of threads a while back, both on MN and GN where men posted that they were being physically abused by their partners. In a couple of paragraphs you’ve just victim blamed and minimised serious sexual assault. Wondering if you’re a man to be honest.

Battyfumworts · 09/02/2023 19:07

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No it isn’t! As someone who has been through the “frightening” (I think you mean threats of violence), having my things destroyed and my internet usage stalked, I can tell you I would far sooner be the wronged party of an emotional affair, and as I’ve been through both at different times I’m pretty qualified to judge which is worse.
Thankfully, I no longer have to worry about either

billy1966 · 09/02/2023 19:11

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Where are the links for this?

I have NEVER heard anyone compare infidelity to sexual assault as being similar.

007DoubleOSeven · 09/02/2023 19:13

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Oh do step back. No one is normalising affairs or downplaying them.

007DoubleOSeven · 09/02/2023 19:14

@Tellingteller I'd be interested to see how many women here have ptsd from sexual assault vs being cheated on.

🙄

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