DH extreme reaction to my affair

[affairdilemma]

Looking for advice as am tying myself up in knots over this.

DH and I have been in the doldrums for some time, he basically completely checked out when we had kids (we have 2 under 5). Don’t want to go into it too much as it’s not the point of this thread but short version is I work ft, he has a very part time job (usually about 5 hours a week, with the odd week 2-3 times a year of more), we have full time childcare in place and I do everything for the kids. We started fighting about that, he considered it fair as he was still funding the household 50% so it was his time to do with as his pleased, we needed to split weekend load 50/50 (lots of fights about petty stuff like me going to get a haircut AND go to the gym on the weekend and him going mad because he didn’t have a break that day and me pointing out he has a break 5 days a week which he didn’t accept). Anyway I felt completely neglected and pressured in the marriage and ended up having an affair of sorts - only met 3 times and kissed but it was very intense emotionally and happened over the course of a year.

Turned out that DH had been suspicious of me for a long time and was going through my emails etc. After I came back from the third meet-up he caught me (read everything including my diary) and went MAD. He went and burnt the clothes I was wearing when I met the om, verbally threatened me (said he’d smash my face into the wall etc) and on one occasion assaulted me sexually. It went on for about 5 days and a lot happened in the middle of the night. I was frightened and on the brink of thinking about leaving, police etc when he left for a week for a well timed work trip. While he was away he visited the OM and I think threatened him (I don’t know, the OM cut all contact after that meeting and I’ve never heard from him again).

When he came back he was more normal, not as aggressive anymore. We have been working to repair our marriage over the last 6 months and he has been in individual therapy as he now acknowledges the core issues of his selfishness and neglect of me and affair being a symptom of that. (Before anyone jumps on me, OBVIOUSLY in parallel I hugely regret the affair and the hurt I have caused and have taken responsibility and am doing my own work on this.)

But I am struggling with getting past his behaviour in the immediate aftermath of discovery. He was aggressive and violent and frightening. His view is that “people do crazy things when they find out about affairs” and is dismissive of it as in his view he was in so much emotional pain he went crazy. And of course he is sorry but he puts it down to just the emotion of the immediate chaos of discovery. Which I understand. BUT. I am struggling with accepting behaviour that, in any other circumstance, would be an absolute deal breaker for me.

what do I do? I want to get over it but I feel in a real dilemma and it’s blocking us moving forward.

@affairdilemma i dont know if this applies to you or not but I'd like to gently to mention that if a man ever puts his hands round a woman's throat, ever strangles them, this is a recognised major red flag for a future attempt on their life. Please don't feel obliged to comment on this, I just want you to be aware.

Firmly agree with this.

The apologists on this thread are the reason these conversations are so vital.

Comments like this are somehow more terrifying when coming from women than men, because they are more likely to be the people who girls and women disclose assaults to.

To be told well it's six of one, half a dozen of the other / you hurt him too etc etc is the kind of comment that confuses and shamed girls and women into remaining in abusive and dangerous situations.

I hope they wouldn't say it to their own daughters. Terrifying.

Not clear as to whether you’re addressing me or Quitelikeit, as my post has come up as part of the quote.

Jesus christ. Go to womens aid op.
Get you and your kids away from this man. Please.

@Rosscameasdoody no, not you sorry.

Wouldn’t exactly call it a betrayal given the controlling and neglectful behaviour long before she had the ‘affair’. Maybe she shouldn’t have done it, but don’t tell me she wasn’t provoked. And do you not think her DH suspected an affair because he knew on some level that his behaviour had contributed to it ? And it does not, under any circumstances warrant him sexually assaulting her and terrorising her in the middle of the night.

Thanks for clarifying 👍

Why do posters like you never start your own fucking threads to talk about the Poor Menz and terrible double standards? Instead you just invade every other thread with your derailing bullshit agenda trying to shift the focus. Shameful.

Any points I’ve made are not justifying what he did, that’s not the point of what I’m saying. I’m not saying you cheated on him, so you deserve to be physically hurt. I’m saying you cheated on him which is an absolute head mess and have some compassion and see if the two of you can work through this with love and forgiveness on both sides. That’s my point. Actions have consequences, some of which are highly unpleasant because of the fact we are all human and screw up big time sometimes. In a ideal world, you wouldn’t have cheated. In an ideal world he wouldn’t have hurt you. It’s either time to part, or both focus on your own wrongdoings and how to treat each other with full love, honesty and gentleness moving forward.

As for him invading privacy, Mumsnet is full of people giving tips on how to get the full info with someone they suspect is cheating or has cheated. It’s a bit rich that because it’s a woman he’s so terrible for doing the same. He probably cracked up and didn’t believe she didn’t sleep with the guy and probably just needed to know the truth.

people need more compassion both sides and also need to not base their responses on the gender of the person they are talking to. I’ve seen plenty of advice on this forum that if it was the other way around and directed towards a woman would be seen as highly abusive. I can’t stand that.

@affairdilemma some key links for you:

refuge.org.uk/
www.womensaid.org.uk/
www.ncdv.org.uk/non-molestation-order/

The NCDV help women obtain restraining orders. If you decide at any point, in the future or sooner that you need one of these they will take you through every step of the process.
There's no cost if you can't afford fees.

I've been through the process and the person being served the non-mol order won't know about it until they're served it.

You can ask the police to be on hand as well if you're worried about safety once it is served.
If you ever get one, make sure it has powers of arrest attached to it which means the police can enforce it.

Also make sure that your personal details (address/phone number) arent written into the documents as this protects your location.
You can nominate a safe point of contact if it isn't safe for them to contact you directly (like a trusted friend) and if at any point during the process you have fears or worries, ask them and they will allay them. They have done this process so many times.

You can also change your mind at any point during the process.

One thing they told me, which turned out to be true for the man i was using them for, was that often when men are served the non molestation order it causes them to back off - seeing their actions written in black and white, they often go 'ok, yes I did that and it wasn't ok'.

This page is about safely leaving an abusive relationship:
www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/the-survivors-handbook/making-a-safety-plan/#1447928860934-dc869210-5f8b

If you have a trusted friend or family member they can hold important documents, possessions and money secretly for you. They can also be a helpful point of contact for support agencies such as ncdv or even the police.

refuge.org.uk/what-is-domestic-abuse/the-myths/
refuge.org.uk/i-need-help-now/how-we-can-help-you/secure-your-tech/

It can be scary and overwhelming leaving an abusive relationship and women are often deeply conflicted and worry about the man their leaving. Feelings of guilt are commonplace. Once someone makes the decision to leave, they don't need to be railroaded into any action and have the choice to choose to continue or stop, or do things differently at any point.

@Rosscameasdoody
What on earth are you on about 🤦🏽‍♀️

on him, so you deserve to be physically hurt. I’m saying you cheated on him which is an absolute head mess and have some compassion and see if the two of you can work through this with love and forgiveness on both sides. That’s my point. Actions have consequences, some of which are highly unpleasant because of the fact we are all human and screw up big time sometimes. In a ideal world, you wouldn’t have cheated.

You continue to minimise his choices and behaviour and are clearly entirely ignorant about domestic abuse. Spend some time reading on women's aid to begin to educate yourself.

Have some compassion...ffs. Try it yourself. The op has gone above and beyond with compassion for that man and you're still advocating that she fight for a relationship which places her in the greatest danger. And as for an "absolute head mess" - are you still really comparing your partner kissing another person with being violently sexually assaulted?

There is also a world of difference between finding evidence of cheating on phones and emails and using technology as part of coercive control in a relationship.

I think its about time you refrained from posting any further.

I’m saying you cheated on him which is an absolute head mess and have some compassion and see if the two of you can work through this with love and forgiveness on both sides.

How could anyone possibly forgive a person who was still blaming them for their own sexual assault?

Let alone the utter disgust in asking for compassion for anyone who has sexually assaulted another person.

@Seapearlstar what have you been smoking.... but it's NOT the other way around. Why is that at all helpful to the OP?

Actions have consequences, some of which are highly unpleasant

His actions toward her were consequences?

You would like the OP to work through with full love, gentleness, compassion and forgiveness the one where he raged at her for several days, attempted to rape her in her own bed, pretended he was asleep so he took no responsibility and she's now not sure when it may happen again, threatened to smash her face in to a wall, and set her clothes on fire.

Not one of those things deserve compassion. They deserve to be seen for exactly what they are, and not excused.

I’m saying you cheated on him which is an absolute head mess and have some compassion and see if the two of you can work through this with love and forgiveness on both sides

Would you honestly say this to your daughter if her partner sexually assaulted her? This man restrained her and sexually assaulted her. He is dangerous because she now knows, regardless of his previous behaviour, that he is capable of sexually assaulting her.

Do you think a woman should be encouraged to consider forgiving and remaining in a relationship with someone who has restrained and sexually assaulted them?

people need more compassion both sides and also need to not base their responses on the gender of the person they are talking to.

People don't need to be compassionate to someone who a person they've been told has sexually assaulted his partner.

I’ve seen plenty of advice on this forum that if it was the other way around and directed towards a woman would be seen as highly abusive. I can’t stand that.

You think that 'the other way around' if a woman sexually assaulted their partner, it wouldn't be seen as 'highly abusive'? Really? That's completely incorrect.

If a woman sexually assaulted their partner I would be saying exactly the same thing.

The only difference is that a woman is far less likely to be able to physically overpower a man, which means that the assault would likely not be as physically dangerous and result in physical harm. But the psychological harm would be equally inexcusable and the assault would be equally unforgivable.

It all sounds odd tbh. Your reaction to his behaviour is minimal. It is strange that anyone would chose to stay with a man like this when not financially tied.
I haven't seen mention in all the changes he's made, that it includes doing 50% of childcare and household duties as well as working full time? Is going back to work a further excuse to get out of it? I suspect you will find that, if he didn't like fathering when not working, he isn't going to like it when he is. Really, he should never have agreed to be a father in that case. Not sure how you can respect or love a man who cares so little for his DC.
Not buying the sustained restraint during sexual assault was in his sleep, and if you put it together with the snooping, based on 3 meets over a year where there would of been sod all evidence to warrant it, plus his clear attitude that childcare and household tasks are 'women's work', it all adds up to a controlling mysogynist. He's got a problem with his attitude women in general, not surprising that he suggested keeping tabs on you. It would not surprise me in the slightest if he has been covertly keeping tabs on you for a long time and likely is still.
All quite sinister and creepy as I said initially. Don't get how you could ignore that? Perhaps you've had years of it and normalised it? You are certainly trying too hard to excuse his assault- which is unlawful for a reason, it's a henious crime, unlike kissing someone, which is peanuts.

If my husband burned my clothes (psycho) that’d be the end of relationship because I’d be afraid he’d try to do same to me, in middle of the night.

How do you feel safe in the house with him? This whole thing sounds very weird. Including your acceptance of it.

Sorry, you’ve lost me !!

@Opentooffers often in abusive relationships it takes outsides to point out how extreme the situation is. It's the frog in the pot analogy. Plus throw in love, feelings of guilt, wanting to protect and hold together the family...its not straightforward for a lot of people in those situations

Kissing someone isn’t peanuts. There’s such a diversity here in terms of values, you’re literally getting advice from people of all walks of life, many who seriously minimise cheating but would be so hurt and devesated if it happened to them.

It’s all too easy to fully demonise someone and blacklist them like they have no feelings or don’t deserve compassion.

I fully have compassion for your feelings after what happened, I don’t have compassion for you cheating. I fully have compassion for him having what seems like a total breakdown over this, and I don’t have compassion for his minimising and denials.

Decide if you are committed to this marriage or not and have enough compassion to see a man who has made a grave mistake when faced with losing you to another man, or let other make the decision for you whether your marriage is worth working on.

Oh and you're back again 🙄

Others being strangers with such diversity of values and belief systems

Attempting to use "compassion" to dress up excusing serious abuse isn't going to wash.

Are there counsellors on this thread? Never needed one so can't be sure. BUT there's some odd posts to my mind

*a man who has made a grave mistake when faced with losing you to another man
*

when will this crime of passion eat of the moment bullshit ever stop? This is so depressing.