Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

DH extreme reaction to my affair

537 replies

affairdilemma · 08/02/2023 10:38

Looking for advice as am tying myself up in knots over this.

DH and I have been in the doldrums for some time, he basically completely checked out when we had kids (we have 2 under 5). Don’t want to go into it too much as it’s not the point of this thread but short version is I work ft, he has a very part time job (usually about 5 hours a week, with the odd week 2-3 times a year of more), we have full time childcare in place and I do everything for the kids. We started fighting about that, he considered it fair as he was still funding the household 50% so it was his time to do with as his pleased, we needed to split weekend load 50/50 (lots of fights about petty stuff like me going to get a haircut AND go to the gym on the weekend and him going mad because he didn’t have a break that day and me pointing out he has a break 5 days a week which he didn’t accept). Anyway I felt completely neglected and pressured in the marriage and ended up having an affair of sorts - only met 3 times and kissed but it was very intense emotionally and happened over the course of a year.

Turned out that DH had been suspicious of me for a long time and was going through my emails etc. After I came back from the third meet-up he caught me (read everything including my diary) and went MAD. He went and burnt the clothes I was wearing when I met the om, verbally threatened me (said he’d smash my face into the wall etc) and on one occasion assaulted me sexually. It went on for about 5 days and a lot happened in the middle of the night. I was frightened and on the brink of thinking about leaving, police etc when he left for a week for a well timed work trip. While he was away he visited the OM and I think threatened him (I don’t know, the OM cut all contact after that meeting and I’ve never heard from him again).

When he came back he was more normal, not as aggressive anymore. We have been working to repair our marriage over the last 6 months and he has been in individual therapy as he now acknowledges the core issues of his selfishness and neglect of me and affair being a symptom of that. (Before anyone jumps on me, OBVIOUSLY in parallel I hugely regret the affair and the hurt I have caused and have taken responsibility and am doing my own work on this.)

But I am struggling with getting past his behaviour in the immediate aftermath of discovery. He was aggressive and violent and frightening. His view is that “people do crazy things when they find out about affairs” and is dismissive of it as in his view he was in so much emotional pain he went crazy. And of course he is sorry but he puts it down to just the emotion of the immediate chaos of discovery. Which I understand. BUT. I am struggling with accepting behaviour that, in any other circumstance, would be an absolute deal breaker for me.

what do I do? I want to get over it but I feel in a real dilemma and it’s blocking us moving forward.

OP posts:
TicketBoo23 · 09/02/2023 09:24

*He's a lazy, entitled, using/exploiting, piss taking etc, chauvinist when he's on the level

TicketBoo23 · 09/02/2023 09:25

This is not a good man.

Don't stay and try to work things out with him just cause you fucked up with the emotional affair.

It doesn't change him.

Sandra1984 · 09/02/2023 09:25

Since when do people rape in their sleep? “I raped that woman while I slept your honour” said no man ever. I’m not trying to be jokey about it, just pointing out the obvious.

TicketBoo23 · 09/02/2023 09:30

Not in the same ba park, but I had an ex bf (ten yrs older than me, mid 40s so not even immature) who threatened my ex for contacting me and indicating he was open to getting back together. Specifically he said he was arranging for him to be threatened and implied roughed up. That he'd found out his contact details and was setting it up.

It was bollocks, I think (about finding out his details and settiing it up) but in any case I said if he did do something like that I'd would end the relationship immediately... Because it was psycho behaviour.

It was very much a reflection of his overall character.... During the relationship I dealt with ongoing controlling, possessive, chauvinist, verbally abusive, volatile behaviour.

Their actions fit with the wider picture of their character.

Many many people are irritated & threatened by exes getting in touch, many many people are very hurt and angered y emotional affairs and full on affairs .... And don't act like that.

Seapearlstar · 09/02/2023 10:24

Same here. I agree there’s reason enough for it to have ended when you cheated and for him to have not forgiven you. He’s still there, albeit broken and having reacted in one of the worst ways. Maybe he shouldn’t be, I wouldn’t be, not having lived with someone who treated cheating casually and put my heart and mind through hell with it.

MrsMikeDrop · 09/02/2023 10:32

Wow he sounds like a total psycho. He probably has your phone tapped. You should have left him before you even started this affair, he sounds like a lazy, selfish dick. Please leave him.

Cornelious2011 · 09/02/2023 10:42

I don't think I could ever stay with dh if he had an affair but I know that I would never stay with him if he assaulted me. I'd also not be so sure he's forgiven you. His actions soon after showed what he was capable of and I'd say he's trying to appease you now because of the horrible things he did.

Your relationship is toxic and dangerous and you need to get out for your and your children's sake.

Ameadowwalk · 09/02/2023 10:45

affairdilemma · 09/02/2023 09:04

Thank you all for your viewpoints. It’s been really helpful in clarifying that I’m not unreasonable in feeling this way. I think the first step is to lay out clearly how I’m feeling clearly and why this feels like a red line. If he takes full responsibility then I can reassess then but if not then I have my answer.

Even if he takes full responsibility, it is still okay to decide you do not want to stay together after everything that has happened.

BarrelOfOtters · 09/02/2023 10:55

I think your 'affair' is really nothing to do with this...his reaction to a difficulty in your marriage was highly abusive. What happens the next time you do something that he doesn't like? And where do you go from there with the things he did. If you did have an affair then how much more over the top would he get. And that wouldn't be right. None of this is right.

Stop beating yourself up -he's doing enough of that for you - and work out where you go from here. You didn't do anything that wrong, you did what people have been doing since the beginning of time and not that badly!!

justasking111 · 09/02/2023 11:06

I would turn your phone off and take it to a phone shop to ask for it to be checked for tracking, spyware etc. Change passwords. He has form for spying on you.

billy1966 · 09/02/2023 11:10

affairdilemma · 09/02/2023 09:04

Thank you all for your viewpoints. It’s been really helpful in clarifying that I’m not unreasonable in feeling this way. I think the first step is to lay out clearly how I’m feeling clearly and why this feels like a red line. If he takes full responsibility then I can reassess then but if not then I have my answer.

He is a criminal.

He needs to move out.

You need to spell out to him tjat you are struggling with the CRIME OF SEXUAL ASSAULT that he committed against you and that you need time to seek professional support for the trauma that he has inflicted upon you.

In his sleep?
My arse.

He is a violent sexual offender.

You are still in denial and absolutely delusional with trauma if you think this is a marriage that is going to go the distance.

It's over.

You may drag it out through fear and intimidation from this thug, but you WILL eventually realise this and want to be free of him.

This is your one precious life.

You chose poorly.

THAT was your only mistake.

Unfortunately choosing a selfish, lazy violent man who SEXUALLY ASSAULTED as a husband.

Everything else is completely on HIM.

Be brave.
Stop trying to forgive the COMPLETELY UNFORGIVABLE.

Have you a daughter?

Would you want this for her?

Stop thinking he deserves forgiveness or another chance.

He doesn't.

He deserves the police on his back for thinking he has the right to sexually assault you.....and then lie about it.

He's utter scum.

Why would you spend the rest of your life with scum?

Have you told friends and family what he did?

Perhaps you should.

Tell him you are struggling and really need to reach out to friends and family about what has happened and his sexual assault of you.

If he's not done wrong, he should be ok with that.

On what planet does he think an affair deserves a violent sexual assault?

Get away from him.

Either way, he needs to move out NOW.

007DoubleOSeven · 09/02/2023 11:10

Seapearlstar · 09/02/2023 10:24

Same here. I agree there’s reason enough for it to have ended when you cheated and for him to have not forgiven you. He’s still there, albeit broken and having reacted in one of the worst ways. Maybe he shouldn’t be, I wouldn’t be, not having lived with someone who treated cheating casually and put my heart and mind through hell with it.

Oh do one.

Nothing to indicate he is broken ffs. Watch happy Valley - should serve as an education for you.

"He's still there" is exactly the reason thousands of Women give for staying with dangerous men.

You need serious help

007DoubleOSeven · 09/02/2023 11:11

Sandra1984 · 09/02/2023 09:25

Since when do people rape in their sleep? “I raped that woman while I slept your honour” said no man ever. I’m not trying to be jokey about it, just pointing out the obvious.

I have read of trials where this has been the man's defence. 😡

007DoubleOSeven · 09/02/2023 11:13

iusedtobeasize8 · 09/02/2023 09:19

The fact you had an affair is reason enough not to be together. Nothing excuses the sexual assault of course but I think the rest of his reactions see to be expected.
I consider myself a calm and reasonable person but if i were to find out that DH had been lying to me for a year and meeting up with another woman I would flip.

Nothing excuses the extreme violence and threats of further, potentially life-ending violence, either. You might want to reasses your own boundaries.

007DoubleOSeven · 09/02/2023 11:14

iusedtobeasize8 · 09/02/2023 09:19

The fact you had an affair is reason enough not to be together. Nothing excuses the sexual assault of course but I think the rest of his reactions see to be expected.
I consider myself a calm and reasonable person but if i were to find out that DH had been lying to me for a year and meeting up with another woman I would flip.

Nothing excuses the extreme violence and threats of further, potentially life-ending violence, either. You might want to reasses your own boundaries.

Robinni · 09/02/2023 11:16

affairdilemma · 09/02/2023 09:04

Thank you all for your viewpoints. It’s been really helpful in clarifying that I’m not unreasonable in feeling this way. I think the first step is to lay out clearly how I’m feeling clearly and why this feels like a red line. If he takes full responsibility then I can reassess then but if not then I have my answer.

@affairdilemma

Commented earlier. Have read through all your posts since….

OP you came on here for an opinion on your DH completely crazy behaviour. You got many honest opinions telling you he is totally out of line and to leave him.

Then you’ve written about 20 reply posts justifying the “affair”, your DH behaviour, your therapy, staying with him.

Firstly, you disconnected from your marriage because your husband was incapable for providing for you emotionally, physically, financially. He was doing FA. You got involved on an emotional level with another person for about a year, met with him a couple of times and snogged him… big whoop. You are blowing the whole thing out of proportion. You did not have a full blown sexual affair, develop a second life with this person nor plan to leave or do any of the many things that would actually constitute an affair.

You were lonely and had some companionship. You stopped it before it became what any normal person would term an affair.

You husband meanwhile has burned your belongings, sexually assaulted you, threatened people with violence and in your own words appears to have had a psychotic break and is unhinged

You’ve quit your job over this and are pandering around going to oodles of therapists and letting DH believe his behaviour both before and after the “affair” was appropriate.

None of his behaviour is ok whatsoever and you really need to prioritise the safety of yourself and your children right now rather than obsessing over all this emotional mumbo jumbo and therapy. Therapy will not fix him or any of this. He is a fundamentally flawed, selfish person with a myriad of issues.

Get out before something worse happens.

monsteramunch · 09/02/2023 11:17

@iusedtobeasize8

Nothing excuses the sexual assault of course but I think the rest of his reactions see to be expected.I consider myself a calm and reasonable person but if i were to find out that DH had been lying to me for a year and meeting up with another woman I would flip.

You'd threaten (let's for arguments sake say he's someone smaller than you who you could physically overpower as with OP and him) to smash his face into a wall and you'd set his clothing and other possessions on fire?

There's 'flipping' and there's dangerous.

JessicaFletcherscrewnecksweater · 09/02/2023 11:23

affairdilemma · 08/02/2023 21:31

I don’t wish to go into the details of the assault but it wasn’t touching me in his sleep. It was sustained and involved restraint of me. Of course I wouldn’t be worried about my husband touching me even if I didn’t particularly like it. I’m not an idiot.

This is chilling.

An awful, awful man.

Stop trying to analyse your way to a safe and happy future, this man is a violent, frightening rapist. And you must leave.

FinallyHere · 09/02/2023 11:41

affairdilemma · 08/02/2023 18:15

Well we have three extremely well credentialed and reputable therapists. Obv I don’t know what H has disclosed to his.

Have you honestly disclosed the sexual assault to these reputable therapists ?

The only acceptable level of abuse is none. Counselling jointly with an abuser is counter indicated

Either the therapists are not reputable or they have not been made aware of the details of these circumstances.

I earnestly encourage you to ask them for written confirmation that they advise you to continue counselling jointly with someone who has sexually assaulted you.

That is the place to start.

Other useful resources include ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf

Iceicebaby1969 · 09/02/2023 11:44

So atleast 2 therapist's know that he burnt your clothes. Threatened to smash your head up a wall and SA you. I’m in utter shock that either of them are not asking you to report all of this to the police. I believed that if there is violence or assault in a relationship that counsellors won’t see you as a couple at all for obvious reasons of victim being to scared to speak up ect.

OP you have received great advice from many people on MN. Women who have experience of violent men, including myself. I truly believe that your guilt on what you did is clearly clouding your judgement and for the people in your life who haven’t told you to leave immediately couldn’t possibly know the full truth on what occurred. If you was my friend I would be helping you pack and get as far away from your husband as possible.

Feeling guilt does not mean accepting what your husband did and that is what your willing to do. So what happens next time? And there will be a next time there always is. Please listen to your gut instinct you know it’s telling you it isn’t right!! I would say 90% of us on here are saying run asap and truly it’s what you should do OP.

airfryerandelectricblanket · 09/02/2023 11:45

Can't condone sexual assault!!!

However, some posters on here say it's wrong that he went through your emails etc. Yet when men are thought to be having affairs, posters always tell them to check emails and phones etc.

Double standards on here again!

Thesaucysalad · 09/02/2023 11:49

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

ReneBumsWombats · 09/02/2023 11:50

airfryerandelectricblanket · 09/02/2023 11:45

Can't condone sexual assault!!!

However, some posters on here say it's wrong that he went through your emails etc. Yet when men are thought to be having affairs, posters always tell them to check emails and phones etc.

Double standards on here again!

I'm so glad you've got your priorities right when speaking to a woman whose partner has sexually assaulted her, threatened violence and burned her clothes. Thank God you're here.

Ameadowwalk · 09/02/2023 11:52

airfryerandelectricblanket · 09/02/2023 11:45

Can't condone sexual assault!!!

However, some posters on here say it's wrong that he went through your emails etc. Yet when men are thought to be having affairs, posters always tell them to check emails and phones etc.

Double standards on here again!

He didn’t just go through her emails! He used her fingerprints when she was asleep to access her private journal.
I have never in all my years of being on MN heard of anyone advised to do that. While I personally would not condone reading someone else’s emails either, we are talking about a man here who clearly has no respect for bodily autonomy and has gone past ‘just’ reading emails. He’s crossed so many boundaries, it is hard to understand why supposedly reputable therapists are continuing with counselling aimed at patching this situation up.

Springpetal · 09/02/2023 11:57

Good lord
what have I just read
you having an affair is the least of your problems
I don’t understand why you are still with this man
why have u set the bar for yourself so low .
why are u even entertaining having therapy with an abuser .
because ,that’s what he is .an abuser

Swipe left for the next trending thread