Boyfriend wants a baby. I don't.

[brujarosada]

Tldr version: my boyfriend accepts not having a baby without any resentment, but I feel guilty.

We are both in our early 40s. I already have a 7 year old.

My boyfriend would make an amazing father. He's very caring and kind and he likes children. He is a very good uncle to his nieces and nephews and is a part of their lives. My daughter loves him. He has always wanted children of his own.

We have been together for about a year and we are incredibly happy together. We literally have never even had an argument, not because we always agree but because we are both very kind and respectful towards each other.

I told him very early on that I am not having any more children. He accepts this. He is extremely respectful of boundaries and has never once applied any pressure about having children.

A few days ago he offhandedly said something about how of course he would be delighted if we would have a baby. This triggered a conversation (led by me - he was reluctant) about how he thinks about this a lot and it would make him very happy.

The problem: my boyfriend says he is at peace with not having a baby. He wants to be with me. But I am wracked with guilt. I almost think that I should reconsider my position.

Interested in any wisdom that others may have to share!

@brujarosada sorry if I have missed something here but I’m a bit confused about your posts. It starts off as it’s your partner who wanted a baby but you didn’t. But then when you got pregnant, your partner agreed a termination was the way to go and he was relieved you wouldn’t have to give up both your plans? That doesn’t sound like a guy who really wants a baby?

@Shapemyeyebrows it's been an emotional journey for both of us.

He always, consistently, has wanted a baby. He doesn't feel he has any right to demand it and he has tried to look on the bright side I think. He is very happy with our relationship and would choose me without a baby over any other person, but still yearns to have children.

@billy1966 I appreciate your perspective. My very firm belief is that my boyfriend is reliable and would not respond that way - but of course there's no knowing in advance.

@brujarosada He wasn’t demanding it though, at that time you were pregnant and you weren’t sure what to do before you unfortunately miscarried. So it’s just a little confusing where you say “Ultimately, we are very in love and though he would (very) happily have a baby, he is also relieved that we won't be giving up all the time that we have planned to spend together enjoying life and building for our future”. As considering the nature of the original post is that your partner wants a baby, based on that quote it doesn’t sound like he actually does? Why would he be relieved when this was apparently what he wanted? It sounds like there’s much uncertainty on both sides here so maybe bringing a baby into it isn’t the best idea with such uncertainty as the reality will be much different to the dream.

The fact you had to ask tells me it's really not on his mind.

Men really aren't typically that bothered about babies and if this guy was keen he'd have had a family 20 years ago.

You're projecting your wants on him and presumably asking leading questions along the way. I'm sure he will be enthusiastic about hypothetical children, real children require more work and resources then hypothetical children and he'll be aware of that.

Let's be honest, you're the one on Mumsnet asking about babies. He's not here, he's on some Mountain Biking forum without a moment's thought about babies.

@Shapemyeyebrows No, he absolutely isn't demanding anything. He's not like that.

He also really wants to be in a relationship with me and I think that he highlighted in that discussion what was positive about not having a baby for this reason.

He 100% definitely would be thrilled to have a baby. I'm the sole source of uncertainty.

@NCForSexFrm believe what you want, but he absolutely wants children. He has been quietly coming to terms with not having them. He is a very gentle, nonpushy person

@brujarosada My post above says he wasn’t demanding it, which was in reply to your earlier one where you said he doesn’t feel he has any right to demand it. What I meant is, the situation had presented itself without him making demands or anything like that. So at that time, when you were pregnant, you discussed it with him and his mindset was that although he “would” have a baby, he was relieved when you both decided not to. All I’m saying is that doesn’t tie in with him being on board 100%. My concern would be that you try again, you have a baby you are uncertain about, and he actually just wants the dream and not the reality.

If he felt that strongly about it, he wouldn't even have started dating a woman in her 40s. You are creating a non-exist problem.

What he means is he wants a happy, healthy baby which will enhance his life and relationship. He is not thinking about what it will mean for his life and relationship if you were to have a baby which is not happy and healthy. If he had thought about it, he would not be wanting to try for a baby with a woman in her 40s. Many men don't don't think about this stuff because they live in a fantasy world in their heads.

At the end of the day, it is much easier for men to walk away from these situations and just throw money at it from a distance. It will be your life and your already existing daughter's life which will change beyond recognition.

Is he interested in marriage?

Zombie 🧟‍♀️ thread from June 2023