Boyfriend wants a baby. I don't.

[brujarosada]

Tldr version: my boyfriend accepts not having a baby without any resentment, but I feel guilty.

We are both in our early 40s. I already have a 7 year old.

My boyfriend would make an amazing father. He's very caring and kind and he likes children. He is a very good uncle to his nieces and nephews and is a part of their lives. My daughter loves him. He has always wanted children of his own.

We have been together for about a year and we are incredibly happy together. We literally have never even had an argument, not because we always agree but because we are both very kind and respectful towards each other.

I told him very early on that I am not having any more children. He accepts this. He is extremely respectful of boundaries and has never once applied any pressure about having children.

A few days ago he offhandedly said something about how of course he would be delighted if we would have a baby. This triggered a conversation (led by me - he was reluctant) about how he thinks about this a lot and it would make him very happy.

The problem: my boyfriend says he is at peace with not having a baby. He wants to be with me. But I am wracked with guilt. I almost think that I should reconsider my position.

Interested in any wisdom that others may have to share!

Congratulations
I hope it all works out your partner sounds like he'll be a great Dad

😬

Happy? How many weeks?

If you’re happy, I hope it all goes well. I personally couldn’t do it in my 40s as I’d have all the same reservations you did, and more.

I just really hope you haven’t done this for him out of a sense of guilt.

Think of the planet.

It's an accidental pregnancy. I'm unsure what to do about it. My partner is totally supportive of termination.

There are so many women on here who escape abusive relationships then quickly meet a Golden Lover who can do no wrong, and foist him on their young children way too soon. Take a step back, slow down, and of course don't have a baby.

and of course don't have a baby.

I find that really unethical to say. OP shouldn't be pressured into that decision either way.

Don’t have a baby if you don’t want one. The same advice applies.

There’s nothing wrong with termination if you decide not to continue, and it isn’t an inherently a scary and/or traumatic experience.

@ArmWrestlingWithChasNDave

I didn't quickly meet my partner. He is a very lovely and kindhearted person.

The question whether I should have this baby is a separate (but related) issue

Honestly, I think that I would find it traumatic. I was already struggling with the impact on my partner of not having children, I am 100% supportive of abortion rights but have never thought I could go through with it myself, and I think that even a chemical abortion can be quite unpleasant (though probably much less so than pregnancy and childbirth).

It still may be / is probably the right choice. But it's so hard. I can't believe that this has happened to me.

It does depend on the individual, but in my experience it wasn’t a traumatic thing to go through. That doesn’t mean it won’t be for you, but please don’t think it’s an inevitability.

You’ve got to decide what is right for you, not what is right for anyone else. You don’t owe anyone a child.

You've been together a year.

Already? How erm... convenient.

@Johnnysgirl unfortunately this is not a wind-up.

I'm probably going to have to have an abortion - something I really, really don't want to do - so I don't especially appreciate the unkind insinuations.

@ArmWrestlingWithChasNDave
Your OP said that I quickly met him. This is not the same as having a relatively short relationship.

@whumpthereitis thank you

You're early 40s. You don't want another child and might not be able to anyway.

He's early 40s. You guys could call it a day in ten long years and he still has that option.

Let him live his life. He wants you; you're happy,

Oh Jesus just seen your update.

This is... unfortunate. Sorry OP. Do what you think is right. Best of luck.

Hi OP, I can see that you are going through a horrible situation at the moment. Are you able to access some emergency counselling to help you work through your decision? Whilst obviously there is nothing wrong with having a termination, equally you don’t want to rush into one which you later regret and maybe speaking to someone neutral may help you come to a decision either way which you can make peace with.

We had a long talk yesterday and this morning. Both of us have been very excited about our future plans which involve working together to reach certain financial goals, buying a house together soon, raising my daughter, and maybe even having enough wealth between us to have a holiday home and/or an early retirement. We agreed that the best decision is to terminate.

He is happy that we considered everything together and made a decision. Ultimately, we are very in love and though he would (very) happily have a baby, he is also relieved that we won't be giving up all the time that we have planned to spend together enjoying life and building for our future.

I'm really not looking forward to the termination, but I know that he will be there for me 100% and we will get through it together.

I just wish that we had met earlier. He said that if we had met in our 20s, had a baby then, and would be gearing up for late middle age with a family, he would be the luckiest person in the world. But that's not what happened.

Personally, I’d do the same as you. A baby on your 40s, which you’d likely only really be having because you have a misplaced guilt that he doesn’t have children, would be a hand grenade in all your lives. Especially your daughter’s.

You can be very fertile after pregnancy too, so make sure you both have bullet-proof contraception plans.

How many weeks are you? It will be ok, by the way. It’s never nice, but it will be ok. Look to the future now.

Are you serious? Guilt-tripping shit like this does not help a woman in this situation.

Yes I am.