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Original poster

Boyfriend wants a baby. I don't.

162 replies

brujarosada · 07/02/2023 10:30

Tldr version: my boyfriend accepts not having a baby without any resentment, but I feel guilty.

We are both in our early 40s. I already have a 7 year old.

My boyfriend would make an amazing father. He's very caring and kind and he likes children. He is a very good uncle to his nieces and nephews and is a part of their lives. My daughter loves him. He has always wanted children of his own.

We have been together for about a year and we are incredibly happy together. We literally have never even had an argument, not because we always agree but because we are both very kind and respectful towards each other.

I told him very early on that I am not having any more children. He accepts this. He is extremely respectful of boundaries and has never once applied any pressure about having children.

A few days ago he offhandedly said something about how of course he would be delighted if we would have a baby. This triggered a conversation (led by me - he was reluctant) about how he thinks about this a lot and it would make him very happy.

The problem: my boyfriend says he is at peace with not having a baby. He wants to be with me. But I am wracked with guilt. I almost think that I should reconsider my position.

Interested in any wisdom that others may have to share!

OP posts:
Johnnysgirl · 08/02/2023 13:42

brujarosada · 08/02/2023 13:30

@Johnnysgirl You are making a lot of assumptions about what I know about my boyfriend and his capacity for caring for children and being an equal partner. I would not make this statement if I didn't really believe it and have evidence for it.

You have zero evidence that he'd make an amazing father, when he isn't one.
It's a ludicrous notion.

whumpthereitis · 08/02/2023 13:51

He’s a grown man capable of making his own decisions. It’s not your responsibility to ‘let him go’. It may very well be that losing you would be a bigger regret than not having children, despite assumptions that the contrary would/will occur.

You were straight with him from the beginning. Don’t have a child one someone else’s behalf.

WedonttalkaboutMaureen · 08/02/2023 13:52

He doesn't know the reality of children. Being a uncle is not the same as being a parent. Wanting "a baby" is very different from "raising another human for at least 18 years and caring about them forever more". It's a huge undertaking.

You have a 7 year old and are much better placed to know what it's like, and to know you do not want any more. You need to believe in your own mind and stick to your decision.

Also at your age, miscarriage or having a child with additional needs are factors to consider. Would he still be around if all didn't go smoothly? Or would you be left dealing with 2 kids as a single mum? You need to consider this. You may not want to believe he would do this, but the reality is many men leave when their kids are disabled and you need to think about this scenario too.

Original poster
brujarosada · 08/02/2023 13:57

@Johnnysgirl I have been in a relationship and had a child with an emotional abuser. I have seen what a shit father looks like.

My partner has cared for me when I was sick (including a recent health scare that involved really being there) and picked up the slack in my household when I have been sick or had extreme situations at work. He babysits his nieces and nephews regularly / is an important part of their lives / thinks of them often, and is wonderful with my daughter. He takes it upon himself to think of ways to help and show affection to both of us in the most useful ways possible.

If ANYONE would be a good father, it's him.

OP posts:
Original poster
brujarosada · 08/02/2023 14:06

@WedonttalkaboutMaureen yes, these are some of the many reasons why I can't do it. It's really difficult to accept that it's an impossibility.

OP posts:
gannett · 08/02/2023 16:42

brujarosada · 08/02/2023 09:46

I have largely taken this approach for the reason you mention (don't want to make him dwell on unpleasantness), but didn't when it came up over the weekend because I was so surprised by his comment. I am sure it's not great for him to rehash.

It seems like he does have little fantasies about having a family together, though, so it's clearly still present in his mind.

Show quote history

Pretty normal to have occasional little fantasies about the path not taken, or the option we didn't choose. That's just life. Doesn't mean that, when it comes down to it, we're not happy with the path we did choose.

Catoo · 08/02/2023 16:55

Naunet · 08/02/2023 09:10

Has he told you that? If so, that’s a disgusting thing for him to say. Men don’t have the same drive for kids that women do, I’ve never wanted kids, never had a partner who gave a shit frankly. Most just seem to go along with having kids because it’s what’s expected, but they could take it or leave it. Obviously there are exceptions, but to think it’s inevitable that your partner will leave you to have kids elsewhere is misguided.

Show quote history

I could start a whole new thread about him!
thanks though Naunet x

Original poster
brujarosada · 08/02/2023 17:32

@Catoo I really hope that your partner hasn't indicated to you that this is his plan (younger, more fertile model). That's no way to treat someone you love.

OP posts:
Catoo · 08/02/2023 18:22

brujarosada · 08/02/2023 17:32

@Catoo I really hope that your partner hasn't indicated to you that this is his plan (younger, more fertile model). That's no way to treat someone you love.

Thanks. It’s complicated but I will let him go when he needs to go. Sad but at the moment we love each others company.
I hope your thread and responses have given you some peace / resolution x

journeyofinsanity · 08/02/2023 20:18

@Johnnysgirl You have zero evidence that he'd make an amazing father, when he isn't one.It's a ludicrous notion.

But that is true of anyone. So should no one desire to have dc as no one really knows what it's like or whether they would be good?

Addicted2Kale · 09/02/2023 09:59

He is soft. Don't have his kid. If he was all that, he'd be confident finding a suitable woman to procreate with. But he isn't. You've made your position clear. Stick to it. Someone with his judgement shouldn't be having children, period.

Next time he brings it up, dump him. The resentment will only grow over time.

Original poster
brujarosada · 09/02/2023 11:02

@Addicted2Kale Confused

Wow.

OP posts:
Johnnysgirl · 09/02/2023 11:08

journeyofinsanity · 08/02/2023 20:18

@Johnnysgirl You have zero evidence that he'd make an amazing father, when he isn't one.It's a ludicrous notion.

But that is true of anyone. So should no one desire to have dc as no one really knows what it's like or whether they would be good?

No, I'm just making the point that none of us know how good, bad or indifferent a parent we'll make until we're in the thick of it.
Some parents are fabulous, lots are barely adequate.
But there's no real way to tell in advance so cooing over someone's propensity to be AMAZING! before the event is a bit naff.
I can't take it seriously.

GoodChat · 09/02/2023 11:09

Addicted2Kale · 09/02/2023 09:59

He is soft. Don't have his kid. If he was all that, he'd be confident finding a suitable woman to procreate with. But he isn't. You've made your position clear. Stick to it. Someone with his judgement shouldn't be having children, period.

Next time he brings it up, dump him. The resentment will only grow over time.

Or he loves her and is willing to prioritise being with her over having a child. If my DP didn't want another child and I occasionally mused that I'd have liked to have had another at some point and he dumped me for it I'd be horrified.

There's nothing wrong with him from what the OP has said. It's just unfortunate that one thing in his life hasn't turned out the way he hoped, but he's made his peace with that.

pog100 · 09/02/2023 11:25

This thread is weird. It feels like it was posted in AIBU? I don't think I've ever seen so many direct, insulting, responses, jumping to conclusions where the op clearly just needs some gentle help and experiences.
You are clearly a thoughtful woman OP, he seems like a nice bloke, you are able to talk to each other. I'm sure you can have a good life together without sharing a, probably impossible, child.

xfan · 09/02/2023 11:26

Relationships come and go though, don't they, and having a child/children is usually a much more stable and lengthier relationship (usually), entirely different to a romantic relationship. If he's a "catch" he could leave and find someone to have a family with, as those with children, would you ever give up your child for a partner (knowing what you know about raising and loving a child? Exactly. You wouldn't.

GoodChat · 09/02/2023 11:28

xfan · 09/02/2023 11:26

Relationships come and go though, don't they, and having a child/children is usually a much more stable and lengthier relationship (usually), entirely different to a romantic relationship. If he's a "catch" he could leave and find someone to have a family with, as those with children, would you ever give up your child for a partner (knowing what you know about raising and loving a child? Exactly. You wouldn't.

I wouldn't give my child up for anyone, and if I got a new partner who wanted children and that was a dealbreaker, I'd show them where the door was, because I don't want anymore. However that's not the situation here. OP isn't asking him not to find someone else to have a child with. He wants her.

xfan · 09/02/2023 11:31

GoodChat · 09/02/2023 11:28

I wouldn't give my child up for anyone, and if I got a new partner who wanted children and that was a dealbreaker, I'd show them where the door was, because I don't want anymore. However that's not the situation here. OP isn't asking him not to find someone else to have a child with. He wants her.

Show quote history

He doesn't know what he's missing out on sadly, as it is difficult to conceive of these things unless you've lived through them. So yes a romantic relationship is more important as you don't know what other type of love you can experience. In a way, that's all you've got really, and the relationship can end for other reasons ina few years time so no way of guaranteeing that his feelings will remain as they are. It's all just current.

Original poster
brujarosada · 09/02/2023 11:49

@xfan honestly this is what saddens me. He has a great capacity for love and I know what he's missing.

@pog100 thank you Flowers

OP posts:
Tolatetotheparty · 09/02/2023 13:16

I'm a parent and l love my kids but let's not go down the very common route of there's no love like a parents love, it's the only unconditional love, you've not experienced real love until you have a child blah blah blah. It really annoys me. There is no absolut in any life circumstances. Some people love animals more than kids, some people love being alone, some people devote their life to their career. Some people love their partner more than they want to have kids. There's all sorts of ways to lead a valid and meaningful life but most involve some kind of compromise. He's made his and clearly being with you is what matters most to him. I would enjoy and cherish that instead of focusing on some imaginary scenario which is predicated on the one dimensional believe that not having children is a massive sacrifice. It is for some people but not for everyone.

theemmadilemma · 09/02/2023 13:30

You have to accept his position.

It can be difficult, my husband is 9 years younger and I have 0 children. So being a long term relationship with me was chosing to have no children (I do not want any).

I think he would have been happy had it happened, but certainly as time as gone on he see's he's grown past the point where he would want to make the life changes that would involve. We enjoy child free life.

Yours is a different position of course, but I think you have to just accept he's happy with that choice. It is his to make.

whumpthereitis · 09/02/2023 15:05

xfan · 09/02/2023 11:31

He doesn't know what he's missing out on sadly, as it is difficult to conceive of these things unless you've lived through them. So yes a romantic relationship is more important as you don't know what other type of love you can experience. In a way, that's all you've got really, and the relationship can end for other reasons ina few years time so no way of guaranteeing that his feelings will remain as they are. It's all just current.

Show quote history

But that’s working on the assumption that love, whatever type, is a universal experience, and that anyone that has children is going to feel the same as you do and consider it to be the ‘supreme love’ (whatever that is).

He can decide for himself that he wants OP over having a child, and that losing OP would be worse for him than losing the opportunity to have a child.

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 09/02/2023 16:04

Life is a series of compromises, no-one gets everything they want out of it.

Your boyfriend knew going into this relationship that it meant having children was off the cards. He made the choice that being with you was worth the compromise of not having his own child. He could have made the choice to keep looking for someone else to have a child with.

Let him own his own choices. You're not denying him a child, he's denying himself a child because for him, the alternative is better.

Original poster
brujarosada · 23/03/2023 07:36

Update: I'm pregnant 😳

OP posts:
overwork · 23/03/2023 08:43

Oh my goodness! Congratulations - if you are happy of course.
I read your original posts with interest. I've never wanted children. My partner would have if I did and, whilst he's not a stepdad and I have no proof, I've always thought he'd be great at it. I also found myself unexpectedly pregnant and the end of last year. He was (as I always knew he would be), entirely supportive of my first decision which was not to continue with the pregnancy. I couldn't go through with it though, and here I am at 21 weeks.
I wish you all the very best however this world out.