Boyfriend wants a baby. I don't.

[brujarosada]

Tldr version: my boyfriend accepts not having a baby without any resentment, but I feel guilty.

We are both in our early 40s. I already have a 7 year old.

My boyfriend would make an amazing father. He's very caring and kind and he likes children. He is a very good uncle to his nieces and nephews and is a part of their lives. My daughter loves him. He has always wanted children of his own.

We have been together for about a year and we are incredibly happy together. We literally have never even had an argument, not because we always agree but because we are both very kind and respectful towards each other.

I told him very early on that I am not having any more children. He accepts this. He is extremely respectful of boundaries and has never once applied any pressure about having children.

A few days ago he offhandedly said something about how of course he would be delighted if we would have a baby. This triggered a conversation (led by me - he was reluctant) about how he thinks about this a lot and it would make him very happy.

The problem: my boyfriend says he is at peace with not having a baby. He wants to be with me. But I am wracked with guilt. I almost think that I should reconsider my position.

Interested in any wisdom that others may have to share!

One of my friends was in her early 40's a few years ago and she had no children. Her boyfriend of the time was slightly younger than her and she knew he wanted a family.
She decided to see how things were going between them but meanwhile she lost some weight and got fitter. She was realistic about her chances of getting and staying pregnant.
She had experience of minding babies and kids and knew it was not always easy.
She had a few failed relationships previously that were not the right ones to bring a child into.
Him and her broke up.

About 2 years later he went on to meet another woman who was younger than my friend. He rushed into a relationship with her and within 12 months she was pregnant. She already had an older child.
He then found out the reality of what having a baby was like along with the cost of childcare.
His child is now in the early years of primary school.
My friend heard recently that things are not good between him and his partner.
He is stuck in a bad relationship but won't break up with her because of the child. He will have to work full time up to retirement age because of the child also. Meanwhile his friends mostly have older children or teens and have more of their lives back. I know another man of his age whose kids will be all finished in university in the next 7 years and meanwhile his child will be just starting secondary school.

I think that some men like the idea of a baby but have very little knowledge of the reality of life with a baby/child. Your in your early 40's and already have a 7 year old and you don't want to go back to the baby stage. Also in your early 40's it can be harder to get and stay pregnant. Then you have a higher chance of having a special needs baby.
I think that you have been very honest with him and in your situation I would not have another child either. You already have a child and your thinking of them also in your decision.
If things don't work out between you don't want to be left with 2 kids on your own either especially if the 2nd child has special needs.

@Ihadenough22

You are totally correct in all of your comments about the reality of having a baby. I think that my bf has a better idea than most about the realities of having a child due to his very close relationship with his nieces and nephews and their parents. However, I agree that nothing can truly prepare you for parenting.

Hopefully my bf won't ditch me for a younger model. I think that we are strong enough that this won't happen.

I met my DP when I was a little bit younger than you (and he's a few years younger than me). I was just out of a coercive control/EA marriage with two children who were around your DD's age.

During the early years of our relationship I was still an emotional mess, very vulnerable and trying to figure out who I was, all while dealing with a very awkward XH. One thing I was clear about was that I did not want any more children - I actually went and got sterilised soon after we met. I was also quite clear on the fact that I didn't know if I ever wanted to live with anyone again, marry again or even be in a relationship long term. As I said, I really wanted to focus on my children and somehow find myself again and be who I wanted to be.

I was totally up front and honest with DP from day one, I never promised him any future, I'd only talk about short term plans such as going to gigs or out to the cinema. I didn't let him meet my DC's for a long time. My DP did say that he had wanted to marry and have children of his own but he'd never met the right person, he'd never had a long-term relationship. About 2 years in we both knew deep down that we were good together, DP had never pressured me to move things forward but we had gone away for a few weekends and he spent most of his time with me when the DC's were with their Dad. I am so grateful that he gave me that space to grow into who I am now.

But before he met my DC's and we (well, I) committed to the relationship I told him he needed to take a bit of time to be 100% sure that I was what he wanted. If he would always regret NOT getting married and starting a family of his own then I wasn't the person for him. I basically gave him the freedom to walk away if he really wanted his own DC's. If he decided to stay then that was his decision and he couldn't turn around later and blame me or make me feel guilty for not having more DC's. We're still together 17 years later, living together but not married.

In a long-winded way I'm trying to say that for you, it's really early days both in your recovery from your marriage and in your relationship. It's too early to think about a long-term future let alone DC's. You need to focus on your DD and yourself first and if your BF doesn't allow you the space to do that then maybe he's not the right one for you.

Hello OP, I have nothing new to add that have not been said already, but thought I should chime in out of solidarity. I can understand how you may feel about all this, but there is nothing you can do really. You do not want to have any more children and you were honest about this. It is now up to him to decided weather or not he wants to stay in this relationship. Good luck.

@FannyGotobed thanks for sharing your story. Lovely that things worked out with your partner ☺️

I can't emphasise enough how respectful my bf is about boundaries. He's so lovely, which is why I hate to be implicated in his not having all his dreams met.

@iamenough2023 thanks

Prob not a popular opinion…..
In your position I would have his baby if you can do so naturally.
Reason - basing it purely on my own situation where I am too old to have my partners child and he will find someone who can one day. And it’s heart breaking.
Good luck and best wishes to you both whatever decisions you make.

So a completely different situation. Where you actually want a baby. Which the OP doesn't.

Yes. As stated.

Why do you feel guilty OP? You’re not a dysfunctional vending machine, and you haven’t brain washed him and forced him to be with you. He’s a grown man, he can make his own choices as to what’s right for him, and he picked you. You should try and accept and respect that, rather than feeling like you should be fixing this ‘problem’. Try and work out exactly why you feel guilty, or responsible, and from there you’ll hopefully be able to reframe it.

You've only been together a year, so he was well aware of your age and stance from the start. He cant have wanted children that badly then.

Has he told you that? If so, that’s a disgusting thing for him to say. Men don’t have the same drive for kids that women do, I’ve never wanted kids, never had a partner who gave a shit frankly. Most just seem to go along with having kids because it’s what’s expected, but they could take it or leave it. Obviously there are exceptions, but to think it’s inevitable that your partner will leave you to have kids elsewhere is misguided.

He says he's at peace with not having a biological child so my advice to the OP is simply to believe him.

Yes, there may be a bit of sadness or wistfulness behind making that peace but having to choose between two things that make you happy is just part of life. He's made his decision and it's you - so don't feel guilty!

I also wouldn't insist on talking about his decision, either. It sounds like he's made it and now he wants to move on with it - not go over something that might not have been easy again.

From what you've told us about him here OP, he sounds like a kind, understanding guy who doesn't appear to be putting any pressure on you at all and, as you suggested, this problem might be more of your making than anything he's doing to you.

He's a fully functional, capable adult who has had years and years to find someone to have children with, he is still an adult capable of making his own decisions and if having children was his biggest priority he can absolutely find someone to have children with. But he hasn't, he's chosen to be with someone who told him very early on that she didn't want children. He could have said "actually, I'd like a family, so this doesn't work for me" and left, but he didn't, that's his decision.

While he would clearly like a baby, he has chosen a path in his life up until now which has meant that he doesn't have one and he has chosen a partner who doesn't want one.

Don't stress yourself out second-guessing yourself, you're not depriving him of the chance to be a father, if anyone has deprived him of that it is himself - he has had decades to have a child. It doesn't sound as if it's the biggest priority for him in life and it seems like he'd much rather be with you, without children.

@Naunet you are totally right. I think that part of the issue is that if it were 5 years earlier I would almost certainly want a family with him. There are a lot of complicated feelings involved.

I have largely taken this approach for the reason you mention (don't want to make him dwell on unpleasantness), but didn't when it came up over the weekend because I was so surprised by his comment. I am sure it's not great for him to rehash.

It seems like he does have little fantasies about having a family together, though, so it's clearly still present in his mind.

@OopsAnotherOne yes, he definitely has made the decision with eyes open.

A sad thing is that his life was off track for many years due to mistakes in his youth and serious family problems, and he's probably only been a fully functioning normal adult for about 5-10 years as a result. He focused on sorting himself out before getting very involved in a serious relationship, which I really respect - but not having children is not necessarily as cut and dry a choice as it may seem based on his age alone

I wouldn't have a baby with him (and if you are in your early 40s, there is a high chance it's no longer possible anyway), but I'd have a frank talk with him about how important this is to him. If he really wants to be a father, this relationship may not work out long-term.

Because he's not a flake who just went and got any old women pregnant? Seriously, I think the OP is making a problem where there isn't one but the argument that if he really wanted one he would have kids by now is ridiculous. A woman could indeed do this but a man can't exactly just 'have a child' and a good man wouldn't have a child with just any woman. And his knows it's not easy to find the right person.

I agree. There are all kinds of reasons why he may not have met the right person before the OP. I think it's a bit shit to act like a man must be a flake in some way because he did not meet and reproduce with his ideal lifelong partner before now - would we talk about a childless woman in her early 40s in the same way? Sometimes good people are unlucky in their relationships.

i feel you op as i am in the same position as you. fiance is childless and i have 4 and i have given him plenty of chances to leave and have kids with somone else but he reassures me, its me he wants and points out that hes mid 40s now and if he were that bothered, would have had them by now, so my advice is just relax and enjoy your relationship , goodluck.

It's not really the relevant point, but I hate people being lauded as "would make the most AMAZING mother/father!" based on their interactions with kids they see very infrequently.
Nobody knows in advance whether they'll even be adequate, tbh. Amazing is something else.

@Johnnysgirl You are making a lot of assumptions about what I know about my boyfriend and his capacity for caring for children and being an equal partner. I would not make this statement if I didn't really believe it and have evidence for it.

@northernlight20 thank you! And glad that you seem to have found your way with a similar situation.