Boyfriend wants a baby. I don't.

[brujarosada]

Tldr version: my boyfriend accepts not having a baby without any resentment, but I feel guilty.

We are both in our early 40s. I already have a 7 year old.

My boyfriend would make an amazing father. He's very caring and kind and he likes children. He is a very good uncle to his nieces and nephews and is a part of their lives. My daughter loves him. He has always wanted children of his own.

We have been together for about a year and we are incredibly happy together. We literally have never even had an argument, not because we always agree but because we are both very kind and respectful towards each other.

I told him very early on that I am not having any more children. He accepts this. He is extremely respectful of boundaries and has never once applied any pressure about having children.

A few days ago he offhandedly said something about how of course he would be delighted if we would have a baby. This triggered a conversation (led by me - he was reluctant) about how he thinks about this a lot and it would make him very happy.

The problem: my boyfriend says he is at peace with not having a baby. He wants to be with me. But I am wracked with guilt. I almost think that I should reconsider my position.

Interested in any wisdom that others may have to share!

Fucking hell, what a horrendous post.

You should be ashamed.

OK

You will be okay, OP. 1 in 3 women in the UK have had an abortion, and I saw this because while you may feel alone in many ways, even with your partner’s support, you’re not.

I’m glad you’ve been able to talk it through with him, and that you’re both committed to the future together you planned. However difficult your situation right now is, this too shall pass.

Why because I don’t have the same opinion as you? OK!

Ugh. It’s foul that we’re having to field pro-life, guilt-tripping nonsense in 2023, written under the guise of a loving, supportive manipulative post. 🤮

It’s been deleted. Good.

Because of the gross attempt at emotional manipulation of an OP that’s made her decision. She was posting an update, not looking to have her mind changed by an asinine poster that thinks putting ‘xx’ on the end of a post makes them any less of the humongous twat they are. Hth.

If you’re in your early forties, it ain’t gonna happen. Yes a few women can conceive naturally at that age, but the vast majority can’t. Even if you did conceive the chances of serious medical problems eg Downs for you and the baby are sky high.

So it’s out of the question. The moment has passed. It sounds like your partner needs to learn some basics about female biology.

I adore babies but I don’t have much time for men in their forties suddenly deciding they missed out and want one. If he was really the ‘great dad’ type then would have already had a child at some point over his past two decades if adulthood.

This is him daydreaming about what might have been and has mid-life crisis written all over it.

The average age for women to stop being able to conceive naturally is 41, which is the highest point of a bell curve. So no, it is not true that the "vast majority" of women can't get pregnant in their early 40s; if she's (let's say) 42, the odds of her still being fertile are not much less than 50%. As for Down's syndrome, this is largely a non issue if you are pro-choice and can afford to pay for the NIPT test - it is to all extents and purposes 100% accurate.

Doesn't mean that the OP should have a baby now, however, for a whole load of other reasons.

You may want to read the rest of OPs posts

@Doesthepopeshitinthewoods thanks. I have caught it almost immediately, so I think it's just over 4 weeks now. And I might get the coil fitted even though this has always creeped me out

@whumpthereitis thank you

OP - this time last year I was exactly in your place. DP had no children and I had two (older) DDs. I'd been very clear that I was done, definitely didn't want any more. That was fine for six years and then he let slip how much he wanted a child.

Personally, I knew I'd regret not trying, get to 50 and wonder what could have been. So I agreed to try. I fell pregnant immediately, so that was a shock 😂

I remained uncertain and a little bit scared throughout the pregnancy. I found out at 8 weeks (via blood test) that she was a girl. I desperately wanted a dd rather than a ds, so that did boost me a bit. I knew I'd love her when she was here, but I had problems with bonding with my DDs so I was nervous.

Anyway, she's 4 months old now and absolutely the best decision we ever made. I fell in love with her the minute she was born and I remain obsessed with her 😂 No regrets at all. DP is over the moon with her and picks up a lot of the baby duties. I literally can't imagine my life without her.

Each person is different with their choices but I just thought I'd tell it from my perspective. It was actually one year ago today that I got a positive test 😊

I hope you find the right answer for you xxx

It will be ok. Honestly. Good luck and I hope you can get seen quickly.

Read the whole thread before commenting.

Oh! I missed the latest updates 😖

@AsWeWereish I'm very glad things worked out for you!

If you look on the conceiving over 40 threads on MN, it happens rarely with a successful pregnancy and birth for women that are actively trying.

It's a lovely idea that it's not that hard but the reality is very different.

Totally with you @Johnnysgirl . The "Amazing fathers" are always the childless ones. Or, by Mumsnet standards, anyone with a set of cock and balls is the parent of the year.

I have a 9yo son and I'm done. I left someone I was dating to his picket fence, two kids and a dog aspirations.
And I said exactly this: I don't want to be a part of your fatherhood experiment. For that experiment I'd have to desire to be a parent and be prepared to be a single parent. Neither appeals.

Update: I have had a miscarriage, which saved me the heartache of making any difficult decisions. My boyfriend saw how relieved I was, and this had a huge impact on him - it highlighted how much I don't want to be pregnant and have a baby at this stage. He's been extremely supportive and selfless throughout this ordeal.

In some ways I think that this development has been a positive thing because we have had to confront these issues head-on. It's all gone better than I ever would have hoped.

Further update: I am still wavering. Yesterday I suddenly had this vision of what our lives would be like with a baby and I realised that it would probably be very nice.

My boyfriend definitely would still love to have a baby with me. When I asked, he told me that he thinks about it a lot.

I would probably try for a baby if I were you but that is not the best advice at all, just what I would do. Good luck with whatever you decide.

OP, if you go ahead, just remember if it falls apart, it will be you left carrying on alone.

So many men in their 40's love the idea of a baby, but the hard reality is a very bitter pill and a huge surprise, which they often just can't deal with.

It is a real surprise how often it happens, even from guys whom one would think would know better.

Some co parent well after the relationship breaks up, but the bottom line is their ex partner is left to do the overwhelming vast majority of rearing of a baby they only had to keep a man happy.

They are back facing the juggling of work, childcare, primary school, money, on their own with a man that might take the child for an afternoon a week.

You think you know him.

NO ONE fully knows anyone.

Have another baby for sure, but do it on the basis you may end up a couple of years from now on your own, doing it alone.

Don't do it based on some dream.

Also what if the babys has challenges?
Which in my experience is surprisingly common when both parents are over 40.....

How would you cope doing it alone, because so many men with the dream in their 40's of a cute baby the image of them, are NOT thinking of a baby with challenges.

Sorry to be harsh, but you really need to think about you and the child you have.