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Original poster

Boyfriend wants a baby. I don't.

162 replies

brujarosada · 07/02/2023 10:30

Tldr version: my boyfriend accepts not having a baby without any resentment, but I feel guilty.

We are both in our early 40s. I already have a 7 year old.

My boyfriend would make an amazing father. He's very caring and kind and he likes children. He is a very good uncle to his nieces and nephews and is a part of their lives. My daughter loves him. He has always wanted children of his own.

We have been together for about a year and we are incredibly happy together. We literally have never even had an argument, not because we always agree but because we are both very kind and respectful towards each other.

I told him very early on that I am not having any more children. He accepts this. He is extremely respectful of boundaries and has never once applied any pressure about having children.

A few days ago he offhandedly said something about how of course he would be delighted if we would have a baby. This triggered a conversation (led by me - he was reluctant) about how he thinks about this a lot and it would make him very happy.

The problem: my boyfriend says he is at peace with not having a baby. He wants to be with me. But I am wracked with guilt. I almost think that I should reconsider my position.

Interested in any wisdom that others may have to share!

OP posts:
catandcoffee · 07/02/2023 11:52

How often does he bring this subject up ?

Marblessolveeverything · 07/02/2023 11:54

I think it's normal in healthy relationships to look down the road not travelled. I am with someone who if we were younger (late 40s) I would loved to have been parents together.

I wouldn't see an honest conversation as negative, if you think about it, it's a testament to your communication and trust to be honest with each other.

Springis · 07/02/2023 11:57

Most women who try to get pregnant in their early forties can’t do so.

Bluntly, I wouldn’t agonise too much over the ‘decision’ as it’s almost certainly too late for you anyway.

It is kinda sad he doesn’t get a biological child of his own but 🤷‍♀️ he’s had twenty years to do so, he should have settled down sooner if that was what he wanted.

AgentJohnson · 07/02/2023 11:59

You’ve been clear. He of course is free to change his mind about being at peace with having a biological child. As much as you are in love with this man, you need to be very wary of him being being wistful/ contemplative about a subject you have been clear on. Do not reconsider to appease him.

mewkins · 07/02/2023 12:13

Here's another perspective: he finds himself in a relationship with someone who is late 30s/early 40s who is very decisive that she doesn't want children. So it's a fairly safe time to make all of those noises about how he would have dearly loved to be a dad and how he just never met the right person etc because it's fairly safe to say that he will never have to. In other words, as others have said, just carry on as you are and put it out of your head and if he suddenly decides he needs to leave and find someone ten years younger to have a child with then he will. But I'd put money on it that he won't (because he's romanticised having children rather than thought about it practically).

Original poster
brujarosada · 07/02/2023 12:13

catandcoffee · 07/02/2023 11:52

How often does he bring this subject up ?

Almost never. It seemed to slip out when he was talking about something else. I stopped him and asked questions about it because I had convinced myself that it doesn't matter to him/it's not something he thinks about. He really seemed very reluctant to say anything that could cause me to feel bad. He is a grown-up who owns his decisions.

OP posts:
Original poster
brujarosada · 07/02/2023 12:20

@mewkins that is a good point. We have a great life together. He is also keen to move ahead towards greater commitment, like buying a house etc. He certainly doesn't seem to have doubts about the relationship.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 07/02/2023 12:22

Kindly meant but after an abusive relationship, only being one year into a new relationship is no time IMO.

You have a 7 year old, going back to babys is a huge sacrifice and one that is too much.

Several times I have read of threads where women with late teens had a baby for a newish relationship for it to fail and they are back juggling childcare and the responsibility when they were actually nearly on the other side.

I have teens in my late 50's and even though they are wonderful, it is not for the faint hearted.

You are in a good place, don't give it up.

I would sacrifice a good relationship rather than be put back to the baby stage and all that it involves.

I would encourage him strongly to have a good long think about what he wants and tell him you are very respectful of his need and he should be really honest with himself, BUT you are done.

Do not feel sad or guilty for him, he is an adult with adult choices he can make.

Hang on to your decision.

Wishing you well.

Chrimbob · 07/02/2023 12:28

He's made his choices - not to have children until his 40s and then to have a relationship with someone who has been crystal clear she doesn't want more children. If he is so desperate for children he could make different choices.

Original poster
brujarosada · 07/02/2023 12:30

@billy1966 thanks for this thoughtful perspective. You're absolutely right about it being too soon in the relationship to know about having a baby. That's the other thing that makes me sad - it's just absolutely not on the cards because these things can't be rushed

OP posts:
2bazookas · 07/02/2023 12:38

YOU know that YOU don't want another child.

That is the prime/ only/ end of the discussion/ bottom line.

DH is not deprived of parenting, he can have a lovely relationship raising your child. You child will gain all the benefits of being an only child; the extra attention, the centre of attention; the financial advantage.

aSofaNearYou · 07/02/2023 12:42

DH is not deprived of parenting, he can have a lovely relationship raising your child.

Let's not go down this train of thought. It's not the same thing at all.

Original poster
brujarosada · 07/02/2023 12:51

@aSofaNearYou I agree it's not the same thing - but I think that my bf does comfort himself with these kinds of thoughts. He knows that he won't be any sort of replacement for her father, but he values the opportunity to be in her life.

OP posts:
Thesaucysalad · 07/02/2023 12:53

I do think it’s a bit selfish of you. Why can’t you have another child? Unless you aren’t serious about him

MaireadMcSweeney · 07/02/2023 12:54

Thesaucysalad · 07/02/2023 12:53

I do think it’s a bit selfish of you. Why can’t you have another child? Unless you aren’t serious about him

You can't be for real

Goatbilly · 07/02/2023 12:56

Would you consider he formally adopts your daughter? That way he will be legally obligated rather than "in it while the relationship is going"

Crikeyalmighty · 07/02/2023 12:56

He sounds a very nice guy- don't feel pressured- you set your stall out clearly at the beginning- it was his choice to make

Tolatetotheparty · 07/02/2023 12:58

I think @mewkins is spot on. It's very easy to romantise something you haven't done and especially if you're in love with someone. Making a baby together etc all sounds so cute and wonderful. Of course it is but it also comes with a lot of sacrafices and hard work which you know because you are a parent.
My mum always said look at what someone/a man does rather than what they say. As PPs have pointed out if he was that desperate to have a child he would have done it by now.

MaireadMcSweeney · 07/02/2023 12:59

OP he's an adult in his 40s. He could have had a child any time in the last 20 years. He made his decisions; don't take responsibility for them. Get some LARC and stop considering it.

TheFretfulPorpentine · 07/02/2023 13:03

If he is so keen to have children, why hasn't he had them yet? There is not exactly a shortage of women desperate ready to have children with almost any willing male.

Pinkbonbon · 07/02/2023 13:17

You were clear from the start. He didn't respect your decision. He thought you'd change your mind. Ick.

Sorry but I think I'd be calling this a day.

He wants kids, you don't want more.

Also, you've only known this guy a year, which is far too soon to be discussing kids (ticking clock or not).

Pinkbonbon · 07/02/2023 13:22

Thesaucysalad · 07/02/2023 12:53

I do think it’s a bit selfish of you. Why can’t you have another child? Unless you aren’t serious about him

Seriously? Because she doesn't WANT another child.

What, do you think women are just incubators for men who get to forty and suddenly decide they want babies?

'I don't want' is a valid enough reason and choice in itself. It doesn't need extra justification.

billy1966 · 07/02/2023 13:27

MaireadMcSweeney · 07/02/2023 12:54

You can't be for real

Show quote history

Wtf???
Selfish???

For being in her 40's and having a clearly stated boundary that her childbearing days are behind her?

Bloody hell.

Contrary to what you clearly think, women are not vessels for any and every man to fulfill their fantasy to have a child at any bloody time they like.

He's in his 40's.....he has had time for this to be a priority.

He has made his choices.

The OP owes him absolutely NOTHING on the baby front.

Dear god the misogynistic posts on this site are unbelievable at times.

Original poster
brujarosada · 07/02/2023 13:32

@Pinkbonbon he's not pressuring me. He's really not. I think that he thought that we both understood that of course he would love to have a baby with me, hence the offhand comment.

OP posts:
WhenDovesFly · 07/02/2023 13:33

I don't think you should feel guilty OP. You say you were very clear with him early on that you were not having any more children. He could have made the choice then to leave and find someone else if children were so important, before you two were as deep in as you are. He chose to stay with you.

By the time you've been together long enough to consider bringing a child into the relationship (still too early days), then you'll be even further into your 40s, and could be meno or peri-meno. Just accept he's made his choice. Hopefully your relationship will continue to grow and flourish.