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Original poster

Boyfriend wants a baby. I don't.

162 replies

brujarosada · 07/02/2023 10:30

Tldr version: my boyfriend accepts not having a baby without any resentment, but I feel guilty.

We are both in our early 40s. I already have a 7 year old.

My boyfriend would make an amazing father. He's very caring and kind and he likes children. He is a very good uncle to his nieces and nephews and is a part of their lives. My daughter loves him. He has always wanted children of his own.

We have been together for about a year and we are incredibly happy together. We literally have never even had an argument, not because we always agree but because we are both very kind and respectful towards each other.

I told him very early on that I am not having any more children. He accepts this. He is extremely respectful of boundaries and has never once applied any pressure about having children.

A few days ago he offhandedly said something about how of course he would be delighted if we would have a baby. This triggered a conversation (led by me - he was reluctant) about how he thinks about this a lot and it would make him very happy.

The problem: my boyfriend says he is at peace with not having a baby. He wants to be with me. But I am wracked with guilt. I almost think that I should reconsider my position.

Interested in any wisdom that others may have to share!

OP posts:
Pyewhacket · 07/02/2023 10:32

Don't have a child just to please somebody else.

Quartz2208 · 07/02/2023 10:33

You are honest with him, he knows your feelings it is his choice.

when you say reconsider the relationship or having a baby

ShiverOfSharks · 07/02/2023 10:33

If you don't want a baby, then you won't be having one.

You've been clear with him from the start. He is a grown up. It might even be too late for you anyway. He is capable of choosing to be with you and not having a child with you, or leaving if he decides he wants a child more. Having a baby with him because of 'guilt' would be barking mad.

aSofaNearYou · 07/02/2023 10:36

He has always wanted children of his own.

It is very sad reading. Tbh - when I'm in love with someone I will often sacrifice things I shouldn't just to avoid having to let them go. He could be doing this here, and giving up something he deeply wants when, no offence, he could be just as happy in a different relationship. I don't think he's making the right call.

That said, it's his choice to make. You've been clear with him about what you want.

Original poster
brujarosada · 07/02/2023 10:37

"when you say reconsider the relationship or having a baby"

Not sure what this means!

OP posts:
Tolatetotheparty · 07/02/2023 10:37

Another one saying don't do it to please him. Hard though it may be It's for him to decide how important having his own child is. You have been totally honest It's now over to him to decide whether he can live with this or not

Original poster
brujarosada · 07/02/2023 10:39

@aSofaNearYou I kind of agree. It's a basic human need (for some people) to have children.

He is totally and utterly in love with me. We are absolutely in love with each other, actually. He says that he feels incredibly lucky that we have met and he would never want me to even think of having a baby I don't want.

OP posts:
Lcb123 · 07/02/2023 10:39

Definitely don’t feel pressured - it’s an enormous decision and he needs to know that. He needs to make peace that it’s not going to happen. Also (not being mean) surely your ages mean it’s unlikely to happen easily anyway?

Original poster
brujarosada · 07/02/2023 10:41

@Lcb123 of course - no offence taken. I feel that I am passed the stage of my life when it would make sense to have a kid and I know it could be a difficult road biologically

OP posts:
venusandmars · 07/02/2023 10:48

Sounds like you were very clear about not having any more children and you must have had your reasons for that - financial, impact on career, impact on existing dc, appreciating time with your older dc, not enjoying the baby phase, sleepless nights etc. Whatever your reasons, have any of them changed?

If not, then why would you reconsider?

I was in a similar position when I met dh. We thought long and hard about it (I was more on the broody side but he would have loved a biological child of his own). In the end we decided not to. For us it was the right decision, neither of us regret it.

Original poster
brujarosada · 07/02/2023 10:51

@venusandmars I don't think that I really would even be able to go through with it. I just feel so dreadfully sad, like I am stopping him having the life he should have and being the great dad he could be.

He's actually horrified at my feelings and hates the idea of my being sad - so I can see that this is probably a problem of my own making.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 07/02/2023 10:53

brujarosada · 07/02/2023 10:37

"when you say reconsider the relationship or having a baby"

Not sure what this means!

You say you are reconsidering your position

are you thinking that you can’t be with him or another child

but it seems another child. Don’t op you are v clear with your boundaries

Original poster
brujarosada · 07/02/2023 10:57

@Quartz2208 oh right - yes, I am thinking of whether it could possibly make sense to have a baby, even though I know that it is not for me.

OP posts:
StarsSand · 07/02/2023 10:57

I think you're creating a problem where one doesn't exist.

He's an adult, he knows being with you means no biological children and he chose it anyway.

Why are you second guessing him?

You're in your 40s, it's very possible the ship has sailed in any case and you're ruminating on a completely fictional situation.

I'd just relax and enjoy the happy relationship.

fruitbrewhaha · 07/02/2023 11:05

But it’s not for you to feel bad. He is over 40. So he has had 20 years to find someone to have children with and not done so.

America12 · 07/02/2023 11:10

brujarosada · 07/02/2023 10:37

"when you say reconsider the relationship or having a baby"

Not sure what this means!

Would you reconsider being in the relationship or reconsider having a baby?

Original poster
brujarosada · 07/02/2023 11:15

@America12 not sure whether you are asking or just clarifying what the pp meant.

I don't think that I would end the relationship though I fear that he could have regrets in the future.

Part of me wants to have a baby because I love him and think we would make a great family, and also because I want him to be happy. But I don't think I could actually do it. I don't want to spend my 60s raising a teenager, I don't want to be tied down with childcare responsibilities, and after my abusive ex I don't think I could actually trust any man to be fair in a relationship - even though my bf is good as gold and would probably be a very equal parent.

OP posts:
StarsSand · 07/02/2023 11:18

fruitbrewhaha · 07/02/2023 11:05

But it’s not for you to feel bad. He is over 40. So he has had 20 years to find someone to have children with and not done so.

This is a good point.

If he'd really wanted children he probably would have made it happen. He'd have been actively dating women who wanted children. But he didn't, he chose you.

Original poster
brujarosada · 07/02/2023 11:23

@StarsSand yes, he says he would only want to have children with the right person. He didn't want to just choose someone who was sort of acceptable and willing. I am the right person (he says) and he would never give that up.

OP posts:
Saschka · 07/02/2023 11:25

If you are in your early 40s and only one year into the relationship, honestly it is probably off the table regardless of whether you change your mind.

Yes everyone knows somebody who conceived naturally at 49 first month of trying, but not wanting to set off down a road of IVF/donor eggs is a perfectly reasonable decision. Does he realise what “trying for a baby” in your 40s is like?

Original poster
brujarosada · 07/02/2023 11:27

@Saschka he accepts that we aren't having a baby, so it's not something we have discussed to that level of detail. I think it's just something that he wistfully would love.

OP posts:
smileladiesplease · 07/02/2023 11:32

No from me especially at 40! No way

Fuckstix · 07/02/2023 11:41

You've no need to feel bad! The key point is that you've been straight up from the beginning. Also, he's 40 odd. That means 2 things: if having babies is a priority for him then he's had a long time before you and if he so chooses, still has a plenty of time now to make it happen with someone who also wants them. This is his informed decision to make.

millymollymoomoo · 07/02/2023 11:49

I think you should leave him
its fine fir you as you have a child, but deny him the same
personally I think that’s selfish
I think you should let him go

Fuckstix · 07/02/2023 11:50

millymollymoomoo · 07/02/2023 11:49

I think you should leave him
its fine fir you as you have a child, but deny him the same
personally I think that’s selfish
I think you should let him go

He's free to go if he so chooses. The OP didn't mention forcing him to stay. Do you mean she should dump him?