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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

He is having an affair! Follow on thread

802 replies

heartbroken26 · 06/02/2023 21:00

I've made a follow on thread as frankly I need to continue to share my thoughts and gain support and advice from you all! I do feel a warmth reading all your lovely comments of support. Thank you!

OP posts:
Emmamoo89 · 06/02/2023 23:56

I'm so sorry x

buckeejit · 06/02/2023 23:59

Ah OP, just read the whole thing & am so sorry for what you're going through. Hope you're drawing strength from the solidarity of the vipers & going east on yourself 💐

BadNomad · 06/02/2023 23:59

journeyofinsanity · 06/02/2023 23:51

It wasn't as if she left it for months. It was days and everyone surely has a grace period to figure out what the hell to do. How to possibly disclose it. How to best communicate. Shooting off immediately can cause worse pain. I am sure she was trying to find the best way to communicate in what is a horribly messy situation.

Right. But what I mean is the friend said "I saw your husband out shopping with another woman." Which the OP would eventually realise was a lie, and then realise, instead of just telling her the truth, her friend chose to send her into a tail spin, stress her out, and make her doubt herself unnecessarily. That was cruel.

ErinAndTonic · 07/02/2023 00:16

He sounds like a right prick. He wasn't treating you right before the affair and now all of this on top - he's a wrongun!

Kick him to the curb, focus on yourself and everything will be okay - you have great friends and family by your side.

Notaboutyouthistime · 07/02/2023 00:23

You have really been through the wars OP. Be kind to yourself and take your time.

Iamnotalemming · 07/02/2023 00:34

WTAF I'm so shocked by the update. Good grief what a shitty thing he is and has done. Sending hugs and support 💐

journeyofinsanity · 07/02/2023 00:43

@BadNomad I see it as more likely to be a misguided panicked way of trying to communicate something horrible. Cut her a break. She did the right thing at the end of the day. Shit, I'd hate to be in her shoes. It probably seemed less stark than 'your dh is shagging my sis'. Sometimes panic sees people doing slightly irrational things. Of course it was going to come out eventually but in the moment people do irrational things. I'm nit sure why you are so determined to see her in a negative light. Much more likely she is just stuck in a shit storm

Irishfarmer · 07/02/2023 00:43

I am so sorry you are going through this. My ds is a similar age and I cannot imagine what you are feeling.

You sound a little annoyed at your friend (sorry if I've picked that up wrong) try not to be. It must have been incredibly hard for her to tell you and she didn't sit on the info for long. Her sister on the other hand, to sleep with what sounds like your sister best friends husband is just awful.

And your husband, well I don't know what words there are for him, none of them good anyway.

I'm glad your mum is there to support you right now ❤️

Sundelight · 07/02/2023 01:37

How are you holding up

SelinaKant · 07/02/2023 01:37

Very sorry to hear that OP - I was hoping it was all a bit if a misunderstanding.
Your friend did the right thing by you. Your DH is a very, very weak man. He would have let you and your children down for the rest of your life because he is weak and conniving. Much as it is absolutely horrible for you now, you are going to be all right - much better than all right. Love to you and your darling children. 🌻

CamilleRose · 07/02/2023 03:12

@heartbroken26 so sorry you have been betrayed like this. I know you are suffering so much now but I am glad that someone else told you and could tell exactly who was involved so your husband could no longer lie or gaslight you. Without the whole story coming out very quickly who knows how long this situation would have lasted?

The ball is very much in your court. You know what happened and you have clear evidence, so although an absolute nightmare, you can stand on the solid ground of knowing the truth.

REignbow · 07/02/2023 03:28

I’m hoping that you are managing to sleep a little. Please lean on people in RL and I think that your friend was put in an awful position.

l think that she hoped by saying she saw him and by being at your house when he arrived home, would pave the way into you finding out. However, he really did cover his tracks.

Give yourself time to grieve the man you thought he was. However, please be aware that he will at one point start getting angry that you are not brushing this under the carpet.

have a look at this website….

www.chumplady.com

heartbroken26 · 07/02/2023 03:36

Managed to get some sleep. Was hoping I would wake him and it have been a bad dream. Mind is spinning

OP posts:
RisingSunn · 07/02/2023 03:48

You sound lovely and I’m pleased you have your mum around.

Continue to block/ignore him at least until the initial shock wears off.

Try and get more sleep. 💐

Summer2424 · 07/02/2023 03:48

Hi @heheartbroken26 i'm so sorry you're going through this 😔
Sending you strength to get through this time xx

kateandme · 07/02/2023 03:56

you keep coming to us op.
you must lean on people in real life too though, you need that. those actual hugs from those who love you.
do not let him blame you.
do not give him one ounce.
the begging,shaming or guilting will begin.
shits got real for him now so he will either turn into the man you need him to be soppy and loving and begging.or who will turn into a shit. whoever it is you dont owe him anything you dont know this man, he is NOT worthy of you.
get help to get him out.
deligat and use other people if you need to,.
i might also talk to your friend to see exactly what she knows.you no in case the lying bugger tries to do some more covering up. allthough what more lies he can give i do not know,
hes made a mockery of your family luv. you deserve more.and CAN have more.
your raw now,your in shock. your feeling you just want to be safe again.he will play on that. he will.
be strong.
get him out as soon as possible.
you deserve more than this lying cheating bastard. feel rage at him. do not feel its anything youve done. this is all on him.

Freeme31 · 07/02/2023 03:57

Sending a hug your mind will be all over the place just now - don't think too far ahead just deal with the next hour at a time. You sound wonderful & rely on the support around you the people who truly love you not him who only wanted to hurt you You can-do this OP

Inserthiliarioususernamehere · 07/02/2023 04:23

OP I’m so sorry this has happened. I know you need time to think and process what’s happened, but just a word of advice: this affair was so well covered by him you had no idea it was going on until your friend telling you. What’s to stop him doing so again once everything has died down and been smoothed over? I’m not sure personally I could ever trust someone who’d lied to that level again. I hope you get some rest and time to reflect 💐

Novatherova · 07/02/2023 05:00

Hey lovely xxx

maybeinanoter86 · 07/02/2023 05:44

Hi op reading your thread I could feel every emotion you felt and are feeling because I have been there and it basically played out exactly the same as your situation.

My partner of ten years done the exact same thing to me. We had one 3 year old and I was pregnant at the time aswell. This was 13 years ago .

Youl go through every emotion out there over the next few days and weeks . Remember tho that they are only sorry that they got caught out . And I do believe what you said about for him to go shopping with her there are more feelings involved.

When a man comes face to face with losing his family or more importantly home comforts he will cut all contact with the other women but it's for how long . Women get more attached than men and she's likely not to end it that easy .

All I wanted was my family back so I stupidly took him back . He was brilliant for a few months . But I suffered so bad . Was paranoid everytime he went out or was on his phone . I would cause arguments and being the affair up all the time . I hated my self . I convinced my self I wasn't good enough , pretty enough ect and that's why he went looking for something else

All them years of feeling the way I did ruined me . I now suffer with awful anxiety because of it . And ruined a relationship after my ex because of what happened.

I just want you to know that what he has done has nothing at all to do with you . If it's in a man it's in them . No matter how beautiful and kind his wife is.

Only you can decide what to do but remember don't ever feel guilty if you chose to end it for good because he's the one who broke your family up not you . They usually go from severely apologetic to when it doesn't go as they plan and you go back to somone you don't recognise and they start blaming you .

Be kind on your self and I know every second of the day is hell for you but you have your beautiful children with you and that's all they need ❤️

Zanatdy · 07/02/2023 06:19

Glad you got a bit of sleep. One day at a time, one hour at a time. I wish people understood the heartache they were going to cause when they embarked on affairs. My brother cheated on his 1st wife, 6wks after their baby was born. I was disgusted with him, and very much supported her not him. She took him back, they later got married. Eventually she met an old flame in a pub, and told my brother she didn’t love him anymore. She never told him about the new guy for a while, but serves him right. He’s happy with wife no 2 now, he was only single for 5 months. I hope he learned his lesson. I think he did. But he was the least likely person to have an affair and he spent years accusing her of speaking to men the wrong way etc.

Bethany7 · 07/02/2023 06:34

Sending love and strength O.P.
Things will not always be this hard. Xx

namechange0102 · 07/02/2023 06:44

Come across from
The other thread. Hope you're okay OP and managed a bit of sleep x

Magnoliasunrise · 07/02/2023 06:54

Sending you hugs today OP. You will come back from this so much stronger.

TheLastDreamOfTheOak · 07/02/2023 06:54

Sorry OP. Fucking dreadful. You will be in shock for a bit I would think. Concentrate on eating, sleeping, cuddling the babies for a few days. You don't need to make and decisions quite yet. Look after yourself x