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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He is having an affair! Follow on thread

802 replies

heartbroken26 · 06/02/2023 21:00

I've made a follow on thread as frankly I need to continue to share my thoughts and gain support and advice from you all! I do feel a warmth reading all your lovely comments of support. Thank you!

OP posts:
Logicalreasoning · 06/02/2023 22:37

I’m sad it was a big misunderstanding... just spent 30 minutes scrolling through every page, I think your friend did you a solid by hinting as who knows how long it would have gone on for, she was in a hard place, the middle... I know all too well how hard that can be to navigate. Not that it doesn’t take 2 to tango, but I’ve never understood women that knowingly sleep with taken men, especially When she sort of knows you. That’s some next level shithousery right there. It’s a bit different if the woman has no idea. The fact that he’s orchestrated go8ng to golf, changing clothes to keep up pretences and also getting his friend involved tells me he was content with having his cake and eating it too... hopefully you figure something out and luckily you have a support system in your mum, don’t let him weedle his way because you’ll never be able to trust him fully. Best wishes for the future OP.

Littlemissprosecco · 06/02/2023 22:37

Hope you manage to get a decent night’s sleep 💐

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 06/02/2023 22:41

Oh OP this sucks

Well, at least you know what a selfish cheating liar he is. You can now make whatever plans you see fit.

No need to rush into anything. Hold off talking to him if you can, it will wind him up no end. Serves him right.
Presumably he will want to see the children, perhaps this can be organised via a friend/family member for now?

We're all here for you OP

You'll get through this x

crazycatladyof6 · 06/02/2023 22:44

Oh op,
I followed your post all weekend and was convinced all was well. I’m absolutely gutted for you to see this, I really am.
I don’t have anything to say other than we can all be here and hand hold while you decide what you want to do. Sending gentle hugs xx

calmdoon · 06/02/2023 22:53

I was so glad to see a plausible ending the other day…and now this. It’s not just sex there’s a history there so emotional involvement. What a slimey wee creep he is.
big big hugs to you xxxx

Sunriseinwonderland · 06/02/2023 22:57

My God what a piece of garbage, has the tenacity to blame you. Maybe if he'd confessed and come crawling back on his hands and knees it might have been possible to mend it but surely not after that.
How would he feel about anal sex after a haemorrhoidectomy I wonder?
My H pulled the same shit - he moved into my house when we met and 20 years later was going to swinging clubs because I was suffering from the menopause.
i sent him back to the gutter he came from. I'm quite happy in my original house, he has nothing.
Moral of the story: Don't bite the hand that feeds you.

Casilero · 06/02/2023 22:58

I'm so so sorry. And I'm sorry that I was one of the one's doubting your friend and giving your husband the benefit of the doubt. I was completely wrong. Your friend was in a terrible position and it sounds like she cares for you a lot. Your husband, on the other hand is a manipulative, cheating liar. I'm stunned at the lengths he's gone to, to cover his tracks. And the mate he got to cover for him is a lying skank too.

I know this must be a massive shock for you, but you've done absolutely nothing wrong and you WILL be ok. You have your 2 children, your lovely Mum and friend and even though this isn't the life you chose, it will be better without that lying scumbag in it. Hope you're ok x

ToBeOrNotToBee · 06/02/2023 23:00

I'm so sorry chicken x

Your friend sounds like a good one. Despite the initial reluctance and confusing messages.

My ex DP of 15 years was fucking my teenage brothers best friend (not a teenager but not far off it) for over a year. Ex DP was driving regularly over 200 miles to see her on weekends when he told me he was busy with work/family/hobbies.
My family who live in the town all knew about it, none of them thought I should know.

She got pregnant which was the final straw for him and he fucked off to Brazil for 4 months with no explanation for me, just text me from the beach saying he was having some time out. I had no idea what was going on but it signalled the end for me. Broke up with him by text a few weeks later with him still abroad.

It all came out what he had been up to when I was asked by my 78 year old nan a few months later why I was letting my partner fuck other women.

My sisters used excuses that A) they didn't know, B) they knew but only for a short time, C) they didn't want to hurt me, and D) they didn't want to take sides (what sides?)

My own brother introduced the two and apparently watched them flirt. One of my sisters saw them driving around in the early days of their courtship (which she denied but her partner confirmed they had), and my other sister knew about it for months and didn't want to take sides between me and Ex.

Things with my family have never recovered, I don't want anything to do with them and whilst I love them, I absolutely do not like them.

I hope you stay strong, and keep the good ones close to you.

Peckhaminn · 06/02/2023 23:01

My god OP. I cannot believe this has happened. So much can change in a day. I'm thinking of you right now. Just take each day as it comes. He doesn't deserve you and especially to have an Aguilar when you have such young children is horrendous. He's a piece of shit. Flowers

skippymcflippy · 06/02/2023 23:01

That's so shit OP. I read all of the other thread and really thought it had just been a case of mistaken identity.
But he's been a really sneaky little shit with spare clothes hidden in the spare wheel section in the car FFS - and taking up golf to have a cover story.

I would do what others have suggested and get straight to a solicitor for legal advice. He will also be a sneaky shit in a divorce too, so you need to make sure you are armed with all the facts as quickly as possible. This does not mean you have to file for a divorce immediately but knowledge is power, and with the knowledge you can make informed decisions.

EffYouSeeKaye · 06/02/2023 23:03

Flowers You deserve better than him OP.

NotDrowningJustCrowing · 06/02/2023 23:04

I haven't anything useful to add but I was reading your thread yesterday and thinking "Yes, he is having an affair/no he isn't having an affair/your friend is great/your friend is a drama llama" and then it was just horrible. I think your friend is amazing and I understand the way that she let you know. It also makes sense of her hanging around when he got home. It must have been so hard for her knowing more, not wanting to do wrong by her sister but ultimately putting you first. That is a solid friend. I'm glad you have a solid and loving mother too. It's going to be hard, of course it is, but you have good people around you and that will make it so much easier than it could have been without them. Sending love, remember always that none of this is your fault, be as strong as you can, cry as much as you need to, do big poos in his undies, love yourself and your children and realise that you must be a pretty good person to have such good people around you, twathammer husband aside natch.

TracyBeakerSoYeah · 06/02/2023 23:04

Oh love, I'm so sorry that this is happening to you. I was really hoping that it was all a big mistake & that this 2nd thread (which I clicked on before I finished reading your 1st thread) was you going to be saying that that was no affair & that your husband was cross with you for doubting him.

I just do not get these stupid men & women who risk & wreck their marriages/relationships for a bit of sexual relief (as that's what is it all boils down to) The stupid twat could have bought himself a toy from Lovehoney or similar if he was that desperate!

Unfortunately the exact same scenario happened to a female friend & also a male friend (who was working off shore & found his wife in bed with another bloke as she was missing sex!)

Years down the line both friends are happy with a new husband & a new wife. But the fall out was horrendous & my friends never thought that they would be happy again but they were.

And for your best friend's sister, well that's even makes it even worse as she actually knows you & he knows that too!

CassieMc · 06/02/2023 23:10

I've just read your update OP 😪 I'm so sorry!! I don't wanna make you feel worse by calling him all the names under the sun. You just need support right now and frankly he's not worth it. Sending hugs
❤️❤️

Everybodywants · 06/02/2023 23:20

So sorry to hear your situation but I know you will get through it. Stay strong do not let himself worm his way back in, he'd just do it again.

HazelBite · 06/02/2023 23:22

What a rat!
For the way he has treated you. and for the awkward position he put your friend in. I must admit before reading your update I thought you were mistaken.
Look after yourself and lean on those who care for you.

BlueWhiteHat · 06/02/2023 23:29

So sorry, but huge well done for telling people and getting your mum around and kicking him out, agree there is no coming back from this and there is no reason he should cheat. For when you’re wavering, I had a year when I couldn’t have sex through illness, during that time my DH didn’t go cheat, but made me feel more loved and cherished than ever. This is not your fault in any way, it’s his.
Keep your real life support, you have nothing to hide. Your friend is still your friend and she did great it trying to tell you so soon.
you’ve got this.

Jumbojade · 06/02/2023 23:31

@heartbroken26 Are you sure you can trust your friend OP? The cynical part of me wonders if everything is exactly like she is telling it.

Is there any chance that she and her sister have colluded, to split you and your husband up? If your friends sister has real feelings for your husband, could she have asked your friend to tell you about her affair with your husband, so that you would kick him out? She would be then waiting, with open arms, to take him in.

I may be well wide of the mark, but that old adage “blood is thicker than water” springs to mind. The questions in my head are..

  1. How close is she to her sister?
  2. How did she find out about the affair?
  3. Have you any reason not to trust her?
  4. And this is the big question… How did she know her sister was with your husband, at the shopping centre, if she hadn’t been told by her sister?
ChatInMyFlat · 06/02/2023 23:33

I'm so sorry OP. It's shit and it hurts.

Artsy1234 · 06/02/2023 23:35

Op found explicit text messages on her DH phone from her friends sister and he admitted the affair to her!!!

BadNomad · 06/02/2023 23:43

The friend thing is still bugging me. When the truth would eventually come out, how did your friend plan to explain to you why she didn't recognise her own sister as the woman your husband was out shopping with? You would then know she knew. So what was the point of her lie?

Donnaslayer · 06/02/2023 23:44

Hello op I'm really sorry to hear you are having to go through this. There's been some good advice given about the financial side. One thing I haven't seen mentioned is about council tax. Get the council rang up and tell them it's just you and the babies and they'll put you on single person council tax immediately which is 25% off xxx

Blue789 · 06/02/2023 23:49

I'm so sorry you're going through this, Sending hugs.. If it wasn't for your friend, you'd still be wasted your time and energy on him. He doesn't deserve you or to breath the same air you do.

I'm glad you've got your mum, you've had such a terrible shock. Your focus now needs to be on you and your children.
Flowers

journeyofinsanity · 06/02/2023 23:51

BadNomad · 06/02/2023 23:43

The friend thing is still bugging me. When the truth would eventually come out, how did your friend plan to explain to you why she didn't recognise her own sister as the woman your husband was out shopping with? You would then know she knew. So what was the point of her lie?

It wasn't as if she left it for months. It was days and everyone surely has a grace period to figure out what the hell to do. How to possibly disclose it. How to best communicate. Shooting off immediately can cause worse pain. I am sure she was trying to find the best way to communicate in what is a horribly messy situation.

Synchron1 · 06/02/2023 23:54

Very sorry you are having to go through this. You have been through it.