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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He is having an affair! Follow on thread

802 replies

heartbroken26 · 06/02/2023 21:00

I've made a follow on thread as frankly I need to continue to share my thoughts and gain support and advice from you all! I do feel a warmth reading all your lovely comments of support. Thank you!

OP posts:
TeaDrinker247 · 07/02/2023 07:12

What a wonderful friend you have OP. Telling you, knowing the potential backlash she may face from her family/sister. Keep her close. Sorry to hear this all - was desperately hoping he was at golf!

LakieLady · 07/02/2023 07:17

So sorry you're having to go through this, OP. He's behaved like an utter bastard, and this must have been devastating to hear. And shagging your friend's sister really is shitting on your own doorstep. The pair of them have behaved appallingly.

Only you can decide what you do from here, but the one thing I would suggest is that you is that you spend a bit of time gathering as much financial info as you can so that you don't lose out financially if you decide this is the end of your marriage. Being cheated on is bad enough without ending up financially shafted as well. His earnings, any savings, details of mortgage etc if you're buying your home and so on.

I hope you have good support IRL, as well on here.

Orangessunshine · 07/02/2023 07:19

Read your thread last night and thinking about it still, what a horrible person he is. Gutted you going through this.

I agree you’ve got a good friend there, it wouldn’t have been easy for her.

Did the chap who posted a photo of him playing golf know?

Sending so many hugs right now.

Lolaiscute · 07/02/2023 07:23

This is my first time ever commenting on MN but I just had to comment to say I’m so so sorry.
please post in here as we’re all here for you 🤗

I do agree with others that it seems quite calculated with how much he lied and hid his clothes etc.. I do hope you find the strength to know that you deserve more than this, you are not to blame here in anyway shape or form. It is him.
im sending you do much love

Beaverbridge · 07/02/2023 07:24

Morning lovely, hope you managed a bit of sleep. You need to think of your health first just now. Your head will be spinning with thoughts and trying to piece all his lies and subterfuge so he could scarper out the door. As others have said the ball is firmly in your court now. You decide what happens not him. He shat on his lovely family and doesn't get to decide anything. Hope you Mum is still supporting you. It, ll give you the chance as others have said get paperwork sorted out, including his pension details. It gives you a better idea of how you stand. Get UC claim started, and claim your single person council tax started. Thinking of you, I just wish this site had been around when it happened to me. Big hug. X.

InFiveMins · 07/02/2023 07:46

Really feel for you OP. Stay strong.

dalmation4046 · 07/02/2023 07:48

This is just the worst kind of cheating, the kind where they literally plan it, orchestrate lies & enjoy the thrill of getting away with it. Then come home and act as if all is well. I'll never understand how people can do it and not be eaten alive by the guilt, or even how they keep up with all the little lies! I really do hope you have, or find, the strength to stay away from this man for good now you've seen his true colours. Xx

Freeflight · 07/02/2023 07:54

Just rooting for you so much. You are so strong and brave for dealing with it how you are.
Heart broken after reading the update.
I also agree that you really do have an amazing friend so hold onto her tightly.
It must have been incredibly hard for her to do what she did and the guilt and torment will have been huge.
She's really shown how much you mean to her so take her along for this journey you are about to embark on.
It's going to be awfully hard a lot of the time, but once you have rebuilt, you have the possibility for the most beautiful life away from someone who has so little respect for you and your family that he would do such an awful thing.
Huge hugs.

Inkpotlover · 07/02/2023 07:55

Whatever anyone else says, you don't have to do anything drastic today. Yes, you need to get your ducks in a row, but you've also had an almighty shock that you need to process. Your adrenaline and cortisol levels will be through the roof right now and at some point you will experience a massive crash as those hormones subside. So don't feel like you have to necessarily book a solicitor's appointment for today or chuck his stuff out on the doorstep the minute you get up. Spend the day quietly with your children and your lovely mum and obviously keep the arsehole on blocked. Flowers

NicholJO · 07/02/2023 07:59

Hi op I'm following on just wanted to say stay has strong as you can your stronger then you think take time out with yourself and your beautiful children only respond to him when your ready the balls in your court now you was the loving faithful wife in no way was any of the your fault I had a very traumatic birth with my 7th child 3 years ago my dh used his hand until I was ready please take your time deciding your future I'm sending hugs and love to you and your children 💐💖

Roselilly36 · 07/02/2023 08:00

What a terrific shock OP, just take your time, let the information sink in, don’t rush any major decisions, think carefully about what you want & what is best for your family. Wishing you all the best OP.

Angiemum24 · 07/02/2023 08:26

What a scumbag (he is). You were injured bringing his child into the world and he finds the nearest slapper.
You deserve better.

Maray1967 · 07/02/2023 08:30

So sorry to read your update - I was hoping there was a decent explanation.
Put yourself and your children first. He gets no consideration now, none whatsoever. You are not under any obligation to answer calls from his mum. If I was your mum I’d offer to phone her myself and deal with her. It sounds like your mum will be a great help to you with the DC. Don’t t try to do too much, but please look after yourself as well as the DC. Take your time. He does not get to rush you into decisions or to in any way blame you. I had a second degree tear, just a few stitches post birth, not surgery - not once did my DH guilt trip or pressure me. If anything he was more worried and cautious about sex than I was. Do not allow your H to rewrite the story and blame you in any way. He is a vile vile cheat.
I sincerely hope his mother is making his life hell.

Glo1988 · 07/02/2023 08:30

I’ve been following your thread and just wanted you to know I’m sending strength and prayers your way. No big decisions, coddle yourself for a few days whilst it sinks in. You deserve so much better than this scumbag who has betrayed your family at your most vulnerable.

I think you should tell him he’s pushing you further away with the contact. I think blocking him will just antagonise and make him try harder.

JFDIYOLO · 07/02/2023 08:37

How are you doing op? Trite question I know, but you have a squadron of strangers standing with you shoulder to shoulder. Many have been there and know what it's like and can direct you to realistic supportive help. Having to be strong when you're physically and emotionally under huge pressure takes a mountain of courage - turn to your family and friends you can trust (and that doesn't include the one who posted the pic of him 'playing golf' on Insta). All the very best.

AngelDelightUK · 07/02/2023 08:40

do you know your friends sister? Just wondering if you could send her a message telling her you know

Mix56 · 07/02/2023 08:43

Oh Wow, The duplicity of this guy.
Hiding clothes & changing where? in some public toilet somewhere? , ringing from the pub with OW opposite, photos of the golf course he wasn't at...
He really can not believe that "Sorry" will touch the sides of forgiveness.
He has planned & coordinated this whole shagfest.
Can these men not just have a wank in the shower ?
I'm so sorry you are having to live this misery.
Beware, once you don't get back in to your "box", the anger & vindictiveness will start.

ReneBumsWombats · 07/02/2023 08:43

AngelDelightUK · 07/02/2023 08:40

do you know your friends sister? Just wondering if you could send her a message telling her you know

Why? The problem is her sexually incontinent husband. Besides, she's obviously going to find out that they've been discovered.

Whatever she and her husband do now is between them. They're the married ones. OW hasn't got anything to do with it unless the husband decides otherwise.

Mix56 · 07/02/2023 08:47

You know his Mother, Maybe, she isn't calling to get you to sweep this under the rug... It could be she wants to help ?
My Mother always supported my SIL in this situation

Hawkins002 · 07/02/2023 08:54

How did he get the golf buddies to cover? @heartbroken26

ClawedButler · 07/02/2023 08:57

Oh my dear, I too was hoping it was all innocent. You must be in shock. Take care of yourself and your babies today, that's all you need to do.

Bastard thought he was being clever. It's all fun and sexy games until reality comes crashing in - remember what a lot of people on here say, though: he wasn't sorry when you didn't know.

Lostinbrum · 07/02/2023 08:59

I followed your other thread and was so gutted for you when the truth came out. If they dated as teenagers they've probably held a torch for each other for quite a while. Take each day as it comes, when your ready write a list of all the things you need to do, it's easier then having them swim round your head. He's thrown his life away the stupid moron, you deserve so much more then him

BiscoffAnythingIsTheWayForward · 07/02/2023 09:01

I’ve followed on from your initial thread OP. I’m so sorry. I too was convinced your friend had it wrong given your partner was so suave and smooth with his hiding. He thought he had all areas covered and you of course trusted him implicitly as anyone would their partner and father to their children. The trust is broken and in spectacular fashion. I don’t think there is any explanation he could give here. None need to be heads. And to gaslight you by saying you weren’t interested in sex. AND you just carried and birthed his baby, wth?! I really do not understand what goes on in some peoples brains sometimes.

I agree, take all the time you need. Maintain the distance until you feel stronger both mentally and physically. You need to use that strength to gain clarity and plan your future out. Maintain your dignity for you and your child.

Above all, I send you hugs and positive thoughts. I’m glad you’ve got support in your mum and hopefully in time
you'll be able to share with friends.

I do feel for your friend that did eventually tell you the situation. What a bloody awful position her own sister put her in! Disgusting. That’s to be dealt with another day, not your problem.

LilLilLi · 07/02/2023 09:07

Just a heads up this has been picked up by the media, saw it on Facebook.

He is having an affair! Follow on thread
Topi226 · 07/02/2023 09:08

I'm so sorry, I read your last thread and I was happy for you when I read it was a misunderstanding.
If your friend didn't tell you, you honestly would never have found out because he was that sneaky.
Her sister is a complete and utter bitch top! Who goes with a married man with a new born!?.
I have a 4 month old and sex is non existent and I can't imagine my husband cheating because lack of sex, it's an excuse, he just really fancies this other woman and maybe even feelings involved. As you said you don't go shopping if it's just sex.