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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He is having an affair! Follow on thread

802 replies

heartbroken26 · 06/02/2023 21:00

I've made a follow on thread as frankly I need to continue to share my thoughts and gain support and advice from you all! I do feel a warmth reading all your lovely comments of support. Thank you!

OP posts:
Isthisexpected · 30/04/2023 20:09

Ah ok thanks @Sunnymummy8

Bluebellsbells · 30/04/2023 20:36

Does anyone have the link?

Sunnymummy8 · 30/04/2023 21:34

Please share with me if you do

BridieConvert · 30/04/2023 22:11

I did an advanced search on OP’s name to try and find a new thread but all that was there was a thread about changing a 10 month old baby’s name. I hope OP is doing ok ❤️

MaydinEssex · 05/05/2023 15:19

Seems weird to have just stopped posting. I keep checking if there are any updates. I hope OP is OK

Isthisexpected · 05/05/2023 20:33

Yes I thought it was odd. Even odder that OP has apparently posted about unrelated things so not like she's not online for now. But I'm taking it as a sign she's got her children back with her.

Bunnyfuller · 05/05/2023 21:06

Weird when she was so very engaged with everyone, sharing every detail

SpidersAreShitheads · 06/05/2023 04:28

I’m geographically very local to the OP.

I noticed that there was apparently a lot of troll hunting on her original thread and those comments were deleted by MN.

All I’m going to say is I can see why as certain descriptions don’t quite stack up, given my knowledge of the area. But I’m not going to suggest the OP is untrue because that would be troll hunting and not allowed, right? So I’m saying nothing.

Isthisexpected · 06/05/2023 08:42

SpidersAreShitheads · 06/05/2023 04:28

I’m geographically very local to the OP.

I noticed that there was apparently a lot of troll hunting on her original thread and those comments were deleted by MN.

All I’m going to say is I can see why as certain descriptions don’t quite stack up, given my knowledge of the area. But I’m not going to suggest the OP is untrue because that would be troll hunting and not allowed, right? So I’m saying nothing.

I see (nothing).

AcrossthePond55 · 06/05/2023 16:44

There could be valid reasons why OP hasn't returned. She may have been advised by a solicitor not to post anything about her children or an ongoing legal case on SM (that's not uncommon). Her STBX may have used extortion (take me back or you won't see DCs again) and she's taken him back. Or she may have just been so emotionally 'beaten down' by the whole thing that she's just given up on getting away from him. Or perhaps some posts on her thread have been so upsetting she felt the need to just back away from it. No matter what her reason, IMHO she owes posters nothing. It's her life and any advice offered should be offered 'free and clear' with no expectation of a permanent 'window' into her life.

Whatever the reason, OP I wish you the best.

AcrossthePond55 · 06/05/2023 16:45

Another reason? She may have been 'outed' IRL.

cloudypink · 06/05/2023 16:47

@AcrossthePond55 Well said! 👏🏼

Ladybugzrock · 06/05/2023 16:48

Absolutely @AcrossthePond55 well said!

OkImListening · 06/05/2023 23:21

AcrossthePond55 · 06/05/2023 16:44

There could be valid reasons why OP hasn't returned. She may have been advised by a solicitor not to post anything about her children or an ongoing legal case on SM (that's not uncommon). Her STBX may have used extortion (take me back or you won't see DCs again) and she's taken him back. Or she may have just been so emotionally 'beaten down' by the whole thing that she's just given up on getting away from him. Or perhaps some posts on her thread have been so upsetting she felt the need to just back away from it. No matter what her reason, IMHO she owes posters nothing. It's her life and any advice offered should be offered 'free and clear' with no expectation of a permanent 'window' into her life.

Whatever the reason, OP I wish you the best.

Like this post a lot (but still secretly hoping for an update from OP!).

Timetoflower22 · 25/07/2023 23:47

Any update OP? hope you are doing well!

IslaSkywalker · 25/07/2023 23:51

Timetoflower22 · 25/07/2023 23:47

Any update OP? hope you are doing well!

@heartbroken26

Original poster
heartbroken26 · 26/07/2023 09:17

Hi all! I'm sorry to have ghosted on this thread and I know so many of you lovely people are here for support. Mentally, it all became to much, so much shit has been going on. I've had to go on some medication to help, and I'm aware I've put some personal identifying details on here so am not wanting to be 'outed' in real life and complicate divorce proceedings so I don't want to say much more, I am doing better now though, my boys are with me, I'm back working part time and looking forward to starting afresh the next chapter. The git and her are still together and now actually expecting a baby (if it's not a lie this time) I will update when I can share more details. Thank you all for your continued support!

OP posts:
Littlemissprosecco · 26/07/2023 09:26

Glad you’re doing ok, stay strong. Ask for help when you need it.
💐💕

DancingFerret · 26/07/2023 09:40

You're sounding much better, OP. There's a long way to go and there are some burning hoops you'll face along the way, but it's unlikely you'll suffer as much shock and pain as you have since you discovered the existence of the OW.
We're here for you.

TheSilveryPussycat · 26/07/2023 09:54

Re the house. It does need valuing to sort out the divorce settlement, surely?

Ex and I got sidetracked by arguing about how much each thought the house was worth, instead of getting it valued early in the process.

iwantmyownicecreamvan · 26/07/2023 10:04

TheSilveryPussycat · 26/07/2023 09:54

Re the house. It does need valuing to sort out the divorce settlement, surely?

Ex and I got sidetracked by arguing about how much each thought the house was worth, instead of getting it valued early in the process.

Yes I second this - we argued about it, he thought it was worth more than I did. (He always did have inflated ideas about this sort of thing.) We got an estate agent to value it (I arranged it) and it just so happened it was while he was out. I told the EA why it was being valued, he asked what I thought it was worth, so I told him, and surprise surprise the valuation was exactly the same.

Ex was annoyed and said he didn't agree, so I told him to arrange another valuation himself. He obviously couldn't be arsed doing that so we went with the "low" valuation, which meant I had a chance of buying him out and keeping the kids in their home (he moved abroad).

Iwishmymumwouldbemymum · 26/07/2023 11:48

OP you are amazing! That exclamation mark is warranted:)

I've just read both your threads and while I was gutted for you initially and still am that you are facing into this horrible time you are so going to have the last laugh here.

He is going to be missing you like crazy and settling for her who he never wanted at all.
She is stuck with a cheater who she knows did not choose her and would be back with you in a heartbeat if he got the chance.

You have a lovely life ahead of you. Well done for getting through this.

Thewheelweavesasthewheelwills · 26/07/2023 12:42

Glad you are doing well. He really is a git. The part time job is great something that is yours.

If she is pregnant that will be a kick in the teeth but all you can do is try to move on with your life/ boys lives.

TheSilveryPussycat · 26/07/2023 12:54

iwantmyownicecreamvan · 26/07/2023 10:04

Yes I second this - we argued about it, he thought it was worth more than I did. (He always did have inflated ideas about this sort of thing.) We got an estate agent to value it (I arranged it) and it just so happened it was while he was out. I told the EA why it was being valued, he asked what I thought it was worth, so I told him, and surprise surprise the valuation was exactly the same.

Ex was annoyed and said he didn't agree, so I told him to arrange another valuation himself. He obviously couldn't be arsed doing that so we went with the "low" valuation, which meant I had a chance of buying him out and keeping the kids in their home (he moved abroad).

Show quote history

We had the exact same argument. He wrong-footed me at the start. The day after I told him I had seen the solicitor, a piece of card appeared on the kitchen table, with his estimated valuation, which was based on a Zoopla prediction Confused

So we got into a wrangle about how much it was worth. For some reason we just assumed it was based on our agreement. (In my defence, your honour, he was a major headfuck).

Fast forward 9 months. I had had to take him to court over the settlement. Judge told us to get a proper, official valuation of the marital home. It cost me and him £100 each.

Value came back exactly the same as the one I had had done a couple of months earlier, by an EA who I arranged (didn't even tell ex-husband I'd done it). Rather like @iwantmyownicecreamvan I met her outside the house, and explained the situation.

Unfortunately neither of our estimates turned out to be true. We had bought at the top of the market. But in this case, there was no upside to a low valuation really. We had lost over £60,000 on the house, so the marital pot was reduced. Less for everyone, but Oh the Freedom.