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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He is having an affair! Follow on thread

802 replies

heartbroken26 · 06/02/2023 21:00

I've made a follow on thread as frankly I need to continue to share my thoughts and gain support and advice from you all! I do feel a warmth reading all your lovely comments of support. Thank you!

OP posts:
thesharkcaller · 25/03/2023 06:50

OP you need proper legal advice here, first thing on Monday morning and regardless of whether your son is returned over the weekend.
I would be very hesitant about following any of the advice on this thread that leads you down a path of doing anything that isn’t totally above board until you’ve had that advice. I wouldn’t, for example, take him out of school early. Be prepared for any messages you send to be read out in court etc.
This is horrible. I’ve seen it happen before in similar circumstances. You need that legal advice - you are looking for someone that specialises in family law.

supersop60 · 25/03/2023 07:08

landbeforegrime · 25/03/2023 06:17

he's vile. unless there's a real welfare concern i wouldn't go down the route of reporting to police or social services as this will be used against you in proceedings and undermine the current high ground you have in the eyes of a judge if it looks petty so just be careful how you go about this. there's nothing to stop you picking him up on Monday. even urgent hearings are taking an age to be listed at the moment in most courts. it's a nightmare but obviously speak to your solicitor and they will need to make an urgent application. there doesn't appear to be any real welfare issues though- relatively speaking- so it may not get priority which really is awful but sadly it's not uncommon in private law for parents to be left in limbo not seeing their children for months or over a year before the mess of a justice system makes a decision. i don't want to worry you but i don't think you can rely on the court these days to offer a swift resolution especially if it's not agreed. discussing with mil, and getting him from school as usual on Monday if possible are going to be much faster solutions in all liklihood. problem is what stops him doing it again- he presumably has parental responsibility so without a court order don't think the school can refuse to hand him over to his dad. it's a really awful situation but honestly the family justice system is on its knees so may take a long time before it can help. discuss with your sol all your options and fingers crossed the courts in your area are not as rammed and over listed.

Ignore this. It won't be held against you if you go through the proper channels.

Pipsquiggle · 25/03/2023 07:44

So sorry you are going through this. You need to lawyer up and get court orders. You also need to start recording everything he does and says. Social services may have to get involved.
It's starting to look nasty so be prepared.

Everything he is and has done will be deemed extremely negatively by the court

ShakespearesBlister · 25/03/2023 07:50

What is your mother in law who was apparently so disgusted with him doing about this? She needs to step up and have serious words with him. P!ease please get proper advice from a lawyer specialising in family law. What exactly is he using your son as a bargaining chip for? To make you get back with him? Didn't he go off with his old slapper?

ShakespearesBlister · 25/03/2023 07:53

supersop60 · 25/03/2023 07:08

Ignore this. It won't be held against you if you go through the proper channels.

Show quote history

Perhaps not but it does mean the child gets stuck in the middle of two warring parents who both end up seeing him as their possession.

keeponandonandon · 25/03/2023 07:56

You need to make an urgent application to the nearest family court, download the forms fill them in and take it to the court Monday morning. It's only around 215.00 you don't need a solicitor, just get into court ASAP.

Hiddenvoice · 25/03/2023 08:01

Contact your lawyer, social services and his mum.
Tell him mum exactly how you are feeling and work on her mothering instincts of needing to be with your child.
Speak to your lawyer about setting up custody in the divorce.
Contact social services and explain everything that is going on, he’s withholding a child from his mum this is not okay.
Contact the school, explain the situation and ask them not to allow the dad to remove the child from school again without your permission.

Have you spoken to your child?

Hiddenvoice · 25/03/2023 08:02

It won’t be held against you if you contact social services. They will see that you want the best for your child and the fact that the father may not be in a good place mentally and cannot provide properly for your child.

Ydkiml · 25/03/2023 08:19

Speak to his mother and hopefully she ll understand that this is disgusting behaviour by him and support you . I’m sorry you’ve been through this but you are doing so well and I’m pleased you have some great support around you .

Redebs · 25/03/2023 08:21

I would get police to do a check.
He has taken the child out of school under false pretenses. Do you know where they are OP?
Parents can't hide children from each other.

Tellyaddict123 · 25/03/2023 08:33

Stay strong and do everything through the correct channels. It will make you look better in the long run, don’t give him and ammunition for any court hearings.

I know this hurts and you have no control right now but get the proper legal advice asap as other PP have said.

You can do this for your baby, you will get him back.

whatamess100 · 25/03/2023 08:43

I've just read both threads, im going though similar myself.

Of course they are together he has no other option,hes got to be with her to looks like losing it all was worth it, im so happy shes a fucknut, they wont last long so dont stress.

Hes gone nasty cuz he resents you for finidng out and blames you for him being in this shit situation. He wont ever hold himself accountable hes weak and pathetic.

Not sure if your boy is back or not but if he isnt, keep ringing the police and ask for a welfare check. Also if you can bare it let him have him, let him do all the hard work youve been doing he will soon bring him back.

Keep a diary of everything even the smallest of details you may need this in the future. Let him crack on for custardy, court cousts ££££ and youve not stoped him seeing the kids so it will just be a big waste of his money.

Best advice i was ever hiven on here was grey rock him, give him nothing, dont speak or acknowledge him,hes a narcissist he will die lol

Lots say go to a solictor but there is no rush, but lots of companies do 30mins free.

Also stay in the house you have till your youngest is 18, the kids need stability.

I really hope it gets easier but im 12months on and still have to out up woth all sorts of fuckery.
Goodluck

3luckystars · 25/03/2023 08:55

I’m so so sorry he did this. You must be very upset.

at least he is showing himself up for what he is. Nobody is going to think what he did was ok, he looks like he has lost the plot and that’s good news for you.
I’m so sorry you you are suffering though.

Noangelbuthavingfun · 25/03/2023 08:58

Op I'm so sorry... I would as others suggested get legal advice. Call family lawyer they will give you a few mins of invaluable advice for free to help u now immediately. Then book a proper appointment for further eventualities.
I would change the locks on the house doors so he can't get in but not before spoken to lawyer to check it won't negatively affect u. Also tell school your boy isn't allowed to go home with anyone but u or your mum. They have a duty of safeguarding and explain the situation- they deal wuth this issue more than u think...they let him go as they are not informed of your situation. U could ask them that boy isn't allowed to go unless they call u and see of it was arranged. Of not...cannot go.
He is using this to get u to talk and hurt u too. Grey rock and speak to lawyer ASAP to see if u should involve social services etc. Everything needs to be documented by u...for court later. Also this will massively negatively impact his custody claim so good luck to him - what u have on your side is his acting irrational..not good for custody. It doesn't help u now but it will in evidence. Thinking of you and virtual hugs xxx

Glenthebattleostrich · 25/03/2023 09:30

Legally as the 'father' has parental responsibility school had no option but to let him take him unfortunately.

Monday apply to court for an emergency order. Then call school and make an appointment to discuss the situation with the head, explain what has happened and what support they can give your son.

Get the wheels moving on the divorce.

Then find the biggest gossip you know and tell them everything they have done. He cheated, she lied, refused to let you see your son because you refused to take him back, the whole works.

Redebs · 25/03/2023 09:40

The father has parental responsibility, but if he is behaving irrationally, then police will do a welfare check. They should actually speak to the son without the father present to make sure he's ok.

chali7 · 25/03/2023 09:42

I'm so sorry OP. Please seek legal advice. Best wishes x

2022again · 25/03/2023 09:43

i'm rather worried that a lot of the posters are advising actions that are only going to escalate this situation further with the child in the middle. Is there no way that you and your ex can meet in a neutral place with both your mums or other calm adults there to support you and thrash something out in terms of who has your child when? its not a long term solution but its really important for both you and your ex to focus on the well-being of your child at the moment.

LakieLady · 25/03/2023 09:54

So sorry to read this, OP. What an utter shit he has shown himself to be. Lying to the school so he can take your son is just appalling, and you must be in bits.

I agree it's time to lawyer up. I think it unlikely that this will be resolved any other way now, unless perhaps he might cave to pressure from his mother.

My heart goes out to you though, it really does.

Whydothat · 25/03/2023 10:21

So sorry op, he really is showing his true colours isn't he. I would definitely put in for an emergency court order on Monday. I'd also message saying shall I collect DS from school on Monday as I don't want him to see me there if you won't allow him to come with me as it will cause him distress. There's a good chance he won't take him to school, or he'll inform the school he has safe guarding concerns about you. You need to keep calm and ensure that everything you do and say is centered around not causing DS distress or harm. Play the long game, he's already showing what an arse he is, let him carry on.

Redshoeblueshoe · 25/03/2023 10:41

I am so sorry about this. I hope his mother can talk some sense to him. I hope your DC is home by now.

ElsieMc · 25/03/2023 10:48

Whole new low op to use your son in this way, who must be so confused. He is punishing you but hurting your son. I hope your MIL can intervene but sadly you will now find out who she is and I am afraid she will go with her son. I have known MIL's who have stayed on good terms with their ex DIL's but they were exceptions.

Placesleisure · 25/03/2023 11:22

So sorry you are going through this OP, you sound like a lovely person and you don't deserve to be putting up with this considering you've done nothing wrong..and with 2 little kids in the middle.

I have no practical advice to give you, but I've been in horrible situations before and they all got sorted out in the best possible way for me. I know you must be feeling lost and angry, but remember there is always a light at the end of the tunnel. Sending you hugs 🫂

WatieKatie · 25/03/2023 11:33

I’m so sorry OP you must be so desperately worried.

There are some posts with good advice regarding family solicitors and court applications.

Your local Police force have to take your son’s safety seriously, there have been some high profile cases in the media recently and I’d be reminding them of this.

Do you know where your son is? Are you able to speak with him. Could you drop a bag of his clothes, favourite teddy, toothbrush etc off? Presumably your ex hasn’t bought these items.

SandyY2K · 25/03/2023 12:14

@2022again

i'm rather worried that a lot of the posters are advising actions that are only going to escalate this situation further with the child in the middle.

I agree.

He doesn't have the school uniforms with him does he?

This won't last long and nothing so far says he is a danger to the child.

He's doing this to get a reaction... don't give him one. You both have to be in contact with each other for years to come.

He knows he's fuc%ed up here and he's struggling with how to get things back. He'll regret this foolish behaviour.

I would certainly make your MIL aware of what he's done. Not asking her to get him to bring your son back... but just make her aware.

You were not denying access to the kids, so he had no reason to do this.