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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Received a message

230 replies

Imagineit · 06/02/2023 18:25

Received a message today from a Facebook profile which was suspicious (no other friends) lady sent me a friend request then messaged to say
'DP (named) is not to be trusted'
I asked for clarification.
She said he was involved with her 'friend'
The profile listed a town nowhere near us so I asked where friend lived and she named town right by us.

DP's reaction to all this had been weird. He's more annoyed at me than anything and feels so hard done by but venomously denied it.

I'm so confused. It seems a lot of effort from someone to create a profile to contact me if there's nothing in it. DP says maybe it's a bot.

I've asked this person for more details but they haven't responded to me in a few hours. My head is scrambled!

OP posts:
ZaphodDent · 07/02/2023 06:52

DP's reaction to all this had been weird. He's more annoyed at me than anything and feels so hard done by...

This was his initial reaction at first being asked about the message.

My first reaction would have been to laugh. I would have suggested she phoned the number, try and work out who is stirring. Anyone innocent would be curious, not annoyed at the OP for receiving a troubling message.

I'm surprised anyone thinks OP is wrong for being highly suspicious about this.

Him screaming at her then flouncing off as if he's the aggrieved party just seals it.

I'm sorry OP. You have done nothing wrong here.

Lieslies · 07/02/2023 07:04

Oh yes, the anger, the outrage, the turning it back on you, the disappearing act . Had it twice. Both eventually admitted to cheating.

An innocent reaction would be very different, concern, loving, reassuring, cooperation to get to the bottom of it.
I'm so sorry you have to go through this.

user1188 · 07/02/2023 07:40

I've been accused of doing things I haven't done. My first instinct was to hand over my phone which I did. The second was to reassurance. There was also a sense of panic after that - incase I wasn't believed.

Hiddenvoice · 07/02/2023 08:05

I’m sorry but the anger he’s giving out is making him sound guilty. I have been accused to cheating by a friend, in front of my dh. I was surprised and instantly scared as I have a family. First thing I did was reassure my husband and wanted him to have my phone to see there was nothing going on( there wasn’t, her dh was having an affair with a different friend so she was accusing everyone) I eventually did get angry but not at the girl or my dh, I was angry at her dh for messing up.

Leave him be but continue to see if you can get some info. If he was Innocent then he’d be begging to stay and prove to you. He’s hoping that by getting angry at you then you’ll cave and apologise to him.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 07/02/2023 08:39

🌸

deydododatdodontdeydo · 07/02/2023 08:41

I'd react angrily if I was accused of something I hadn't done, I admit.
I'd hope it wouldn't be seen as admission of guilt.
Then again, someone suggested laughing it off would be an appropriate reaction but I've seen one here people say the fact that he laughed tells you he's cheating.
That said, he sounds nasty and I do believe in this case he is ceating, sorry OP.
But then you sound like you haven't been happy for a while anyway.

Justmeandthedog1 · 07/02/2023 09:13

Imagineit · 06/02/2023 23:23

I can't help feeling like I've done wrong here. It's so shitty. Just wish this woman would reply or I had concrete facts. He's away tomorrow so I'm going to turn the house upside down looking for bank statements and such

You’ve done nothing wrong except ask to see his phone. What is there to scream and shout about?
Hes probably deleted messages but I know someone who had a long affair with a married man and she’s listed in his phone under a man’s name— Anyone looking through contacts would see Trevor though messages therein definitely not to and from a man. Sorry, OP, his reaction says it all and I suspect your FB message is the OW..

billy1966 · 07/02/2023 09:26

So you are in an abusive relationship?

Of course his reaction is he has been cheating, but don't waste your energy on this.

Get away from him.

Can your family help you?

Ring Women's aid for support.

Also the National Domestic Violence helpline for a chat.

Take this as a gift.

Get away from him.

MyGarden · 07/02/2023 10:09

My ex flew into rages any time I questioned him about his strange behaviour, texts from local lap dance clubs (“Don’t you get spam messages like that tooooo?”...er, no, never), smell of perfume and/or cigarettes in his car, inconsistent stories about work meetings (“I left the car at work and went by tube.....blah blah.....so I gave my colleague a lift back from the meeting...”) ....gaslighting and/or rages...until the day I had proof (hotel receipt in his pocket time stamped the evening he told me he’d gone to the cinema alone)... an he eventually came clean because he had no other gaslighting explanation as to why he had a hotel receipt from a town in the opposite direction. I am sure he’d have come up with something if it had been in the same town (I.e oh I felt tired and dizzy so booked myself in for a nap...) and then he cried and said the person he had planned to meet never showed up anyway and he “DID”then go to the cinema (as if that made it ok)....
So anyway that’s when I kicked him out.

ivykaty44 · 07/02/2023 10:23

DP says maybe it's a bot.

ffs

GlowedGreenBurnt · 07/02/2023 10:26

VouloirCestPouvoir · 06/02/2023 18:35

I'd be looking for second phones, every nook and cranny in the car, spare wheel bit, everything.
Does he get showers a lot or when he gets straight in? Is he where he says he is?
Does he guard his phone?
I would not recommend phone snooping but that's how many have caught their partners out.
Is he using new sex moves or mentioning anyone a lot?
You may already know all this so ignore if you do.
If it was me I'd pretend it was a mistake. I think you sent this to me by accident and see what they offer up?

You don’t need a second phone these days, my phone has a facility to create a whole new screen, which is secret. You could mute any notifications. You can also get a free app that looks like a calculator for any phone, which gives you yet another secret screen/ phone in your phone. Would you ever check their calculator app ?
my husbands phone has dual sim. His phone is always locked
He has been up to stuff, but I could never find out what.
Cheaters paradise with phones now.

SlightlyJaded · 07/02/2023 10:31

OP I'm sorry this is happening to you, but you can reframe this as a gift actually. You've wanted out for a while, but it's fucking hard (as you know) to leave a relationship - especially without a definitive reason. Now you have one.

He sounds guilty as HELL but you know what, even on the miniscule off-chance that he isn't (and I don't believe that for a second), his reaction, when you needed love and reassurance, is repulsive.

Use this as a catalyst to give you the strength you've needed. I wish you luck

DontStopMeNow7 · 07/02/2023 10:36

The main problem isn’t that he might be cheating or not. His temper is the problem and that alone is reason enough to end it. I’d worry less about whether he has cheated or not / finding evidence. His reaction is the reason to end it. So while he is away, use that valuable time to start getting your ducks in a row, rather than waste it searching for evidence.

Original poster
Imagineit · 07/02/2023 10:42

Feeling pretty damn sad and horrible today. I tried to call the Facebook account a few times last night and asked for more details but as yet nothing.

In her message she said 'you seem like a nice person' which I found disturbing as it suggests she knows me? Unless it's just a turn of phrase but I literally had only written 'who are you?' 'What do you mean?' I find that unsettling.

I'm so frustrated at this situation. DP is adamant it's lies and yet disinterested in doing his own digging? Today he says he had to leave last night and screamed and shouted because I was accusing him. The thing is, I didn't even accuse him at first. I told him what I knew and his reaction was what led me to outright accuse him in the end.

I really want to know what's going on, if only so I can get a bit of clarity and not have this feeling like I don't know my own life

OP posts:
user1188 · 07/02/2023 10:52

Imagineit · 07/02/2023 10:42

Feeling pretty damn sad and horrible today. I tried to call the Facebook account a few times last night and asked for more details but as yet nothing.

In her message she said 'you seem like a nice person' which I found disturbing as it suggests she knows me? Unless it's just a turn of phrase but I literally had only written 'who are you?' 'What do you mean?' I find that unsettling.

I'm so frustrated at this situation. DP is adamant it's lies and yet disinterested in doing his own digging? Today he says he had to leave last night and screamed and shouted because I was accusing him. The thing is, I didn't even accuse him at first. I told him what I knew and his reaction was what led me to outright accuse him in the end.

I really want to know what's going on, if only so I can get a bit of clarity and not have this feeling like I don't know my own life

Take some time to try breathe op. Unfortunately these things don't get answered over night. The truth does usually come out but it can take time to get it.

Stand your ground with him. You didn't ask for this. Too have done absolutely nothing wrong.

Stand your ground with him however, while your trying to figure this all out, I would try remain calm when speaking to him if you can - only because I know from experience you are more likely to take in what he says.

In the middle of arguing, when tensions are high what he says can just become lost and you struggle to remember things afterwards.

It also puts a stop to him being able to use the fact that your angry as a defence - trying to gaslight you, putting the blame on you and also changing the subject.

nc1013 · 07/02/2023 10:55

A normal reaction would be to get angry at the person who has sent the message....not you. Understandable he's frustrated but she should be reassuring you while trying to get to the bottom of it.

This issue aside it sounds like you're better off without him so maybe use this as an opportunity to leave

MonkeyMindAllOverAround · 07/02/2023 11:02

Honestly OP, when I read your first post the first thought that came to my mind is that this woman was trying to get at you. Do you have any enemies? Any one who might be willing to hurt you? It just doesn’t seem right that that person is happy to go in all the trouble to find you and exchange messages with you but cannot provide any proof apart of saying you seem like a good person?

Check how much of your life is public in Facebook,I bet this person is just doing it for the fun of it.

PollyAmour · 07/02/2023 11:05

I wouldn't bother trying to get any further clarification from the Facebook woman. What good would it do to know the intimate details of your DH's cheating? You know he isn't the man you thought he was, and he has pretty much confirmed that by fucking off at the first hint of trouble.

Put some plans in place for life after this. Either work towards a reconciliation if that's what you want, or separate with a view to divorce. It's your life, we are mere onlookers, you are the only one who knows which is the best path to take.

Blahburst · 07/02/2023 11:06

Your husband has implicated himself with his ridiculous behaviour. It sounds like this person has done you a favour.

MonkeyMindAllOverAround · 07/02/2023 11:07

nc1013 · 07/02/2023 10:55

A normal reaction would be to get angry at the person who has sent the message....not you. Understandable he's frustrated but she should be reassuring you while trying to get to the bottom of it.

This issue aside it sounds like you're better off without him so maybe use this as an opportunity to leave

Bollocks, I know where the anger is first directed to when the person who is supposed to know you best is accusing you of something so irrational with so much emotion. It is perfectly natural for him to feel offended if he has not done anything wrong.

Op, I can assure you that if he was involved with another person, his night away once a week would have multiplied to many late nights and “extra work” and some weekends away weeks ago.

skippymcflippy · 07/02/2023 11:11

Op, I can assure you that if he was involved with another person, his night away once a week would have multiplied to many late nights and “extra work” and some weekends away weeks ago

Why??
Perhaps the affair partner only has one night a week available.
Huge assumption that if it was an affair it would have escalated like this.
Similarly, it's an assumption that he is having an affair at all - I mean it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck - but there's a small chance it's not an affair. Though the temper tantrum might suggest guilt. The OP will only know for sure when proper evidence shows up or the DH owns up.

drpet49 · 07/02/2023 11:11

MonkeyMindAllOverAround · 07/02/2023 11:02

Honestly OP, when I read your first post the first thought that came to my mind is that this woman was trying to get at you. Do you have any enemies? Any one who might be willing to hurt you? It just doesn’t seem right that that person is happy to go in all the trouble to find you and exchange messages with you but cannot provide any proof apart of saying you seem like a good person?

Check how much of your life is public in Facebook,I bet this person is just doing it for the fun of it.

I agree

Original poster
Imagineit · 07/02/2023 11:12

"Accusing of something so irrational with so much emotion?" No that didn't happen. I shared the information and on getting home he was immediately irritated by me. He took himself off upstairs.he was hostile towards me from the off which totally threw me

OP posts:
Claricethecat45 · 07/02/2023 11:14

MonkeyMindAllOverAround · 07/02/2023 11:02

Honestly OP, when I read your first post the first thought that came to my mind is that this woman was trying to get at you. Do you have any enemies? Any one who might be willing to hurt you? It just doesn’t seem right that that person is happy to go in all the trouble to find you and exchange messages with you but cannot provide any proof apart of saying you seem like a good person?

Check how much of your life is public in Facebook,I bet this person is just doing it for the fun of it.

I similarly feel there may be something in this; I am useless at IT stuff but is there not a way in which you can actually trace who this message is from - apart from the face value of what seems like a 'fake account'?

Someone is very invested in trying to tell you something potentially hurtful, and if it is true, and it well might be, then it is worth digging to find out who is 'behind' this. Is FB really as anonymous as this? I appreciate it isn't the stuff of a police or legal investigation, but if there was any chance of finding out the real ID of who is behind the profile, then it may explain alot...either a vindictive 'friend' or the OW herself......and that would be my first concern of your husband - to find out who the 'informant' is and he doesn't seem even a bit concerned. Apologies if this has been raised already but if it were me, I would make some effort to investigate this false account....would FB admin help? Can you find out someones IP address which at least gives a location.....realise there are ways of hiding it with a VPN, but worth an ask?

Cosycover · 07/02/2023 11:15

Sounds like the message was from the OW.

He would have contacted her and not she won't reply to you.

Horrible bastard.