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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Received a message

230 replies

Imagineit · 06/02/2023 18:25

Received a message today from a Facebook profile which was suspicious (no other friends) lady sent me a friend request then messaged to say
'DP (named) is not to be trusted'
I asked for clarification.
She said he was involved with her 'friend'
The profile listed a town nowhere near us so I asked where friend lived and she named town right by us.

DP's reaction to all this had been weird. He's more annoyed at me than anything and feels so hard done by but venomously denied it.

I'm so confused. It seems a lot of effort from someone to create a profile to contact me if there's nothing in it. DP says maybe it's a bot.

I've asked this person for more details but they haven't responded to me in a few hours. My head is scrambled!

OP posts:
Original poster
Imagineit · 07/02/2023 11:17

I've tried looking into the account but can't find anything. I can see when she's online though.

I have no enemies. I have no doubt on that front. He may have though and that was something I wanted to discuss with him if only he'd have engaged rather than attacked me

OP posts:
MonkeyMindAllOverAround · 07/02/2023 11:22

Claricethecat45 · 07/02/2023 11:14

I similarly feel there may be something in this; I am useless at IT stuff but is there not a way in which you can actually trace who this message is from - apart from the face value of what seems like a 'fake account'?

Someone is very invested in trying to tell you something potentially hurtful, and if it is true, and it well might be, then it is worth digging to find out who is 'behind' this. Is FB really as anonymous as this? I appreciate it isn't the stuff of a police or legal investigation, but if there was any chance of finding out the real ID of who is behind the profile, then it may explain alot...either a vindictive 'friend' or the OW herself......and that would be my first concern of your husband - to find out who the 'informant' is and he doesn't seem even a bit concerned. Apologies if this has been raised already but if it were me, I would make some effort to investigate this false account....would FB admin help? Can you find out someones IP address which at least gives a location.....realise there are ways of hiding it with a VPN, but worth an ask?

Show quote history

I’m quick to smell a rat and a LTB advocate but in this case… My bet is on the vindictive “friend”.

Op, don’t throw your marriage away this way until you have some tangible proof this is not a scorned person trying to hurt you or your husband. At the end of the day…He is the one you know.

You cannot simply go after him full on when you don’t have anything to prove him guilty aside of a malicious message sent from a fake Facebook account from someone who cannot even provide you with more details, possibly because she he has none or is a 15 year old having fun online.

MonkeyMindAllOverAround · 07/02/2023 11:25

How did he attack you? Was it physical? Did he blame you? What exactly did he do?

That may change things quite a bit but not on terms of whether he is cheating or not but on whether this is a healthy relationship or one you should be running away from regardless of affairs or not.

ZaphodDent · 07/02/2023 11:27

Claricethecat45 · 07/02/2023 11:14

I similarly feel there may be something in this; I am useless at IT stuff but is there not a way in which you can actually trace who this message is from - apart from the face value of what seems like a 'fake account'?

Someone is very invested in trying to tell you something potentially hurtful, and if it is true, and it well might be, then it is worth digging to find out who is 'behind' this. Is FB really as anonymous as this? I appreciate it isn't the stuff of a police or legal investigation, but if there was any chance of finding out the real ID of who is behind the profile, then it may explain alot...either a vindictive 'friend' or the OW herself......and that would be my first concern of your husband - to find out who the 'informant' is and he doesn't seem even a bit concerned. Apologies if this has been raised already but if it were me, I would make some effort to investigate this false account....would FB admin help? Can you find out someones IP address which at least gives a location.....realise there are ways of hiding it with a VPN, but worth an ask?

Show quote history

I am not useless at IT and there is no way to trace this.

As a PP said, forget about this Facebook woman as a means of finding the truth.

Original poster
Imagineit · 07/02/2023 11:32

I think another thing that gets me is his disinterest in wanting to dig deeper. If it were me, I'd want to know who was saying those things but he said he wanted nothing to do with it and it was my problem not his!

OP posts:
Elsiebear90 · 07/02/2023 11:39

His reaction just screams guilty to me, plus he works away from home regularly and is secretive with his phone so he has opportunity. If you add all this together it doesn’t look good at all. I would do some snooping for evidence.

quietnightmare · 07/02/2023 11:40

Hope it is someone just trying to upset you

Teaandtoast3 · 07/02/2023 11:42

Yes @Imagineit i would want to dig deeper to because I’d be furious… but I wouldn’t be furious at my partner

roarfeckingroarr · 07/02/2023 11:43

I think you need to leave the person who tried to contact you alone. If they wanted to talk, they would've replied or answered and you're getting into dodgy territory now with all your calls and messages.

Your partner is hiding something. You might never find out what it is, but you do know how he's treating you right now and how that's making you feel. Do you want to be with this person?

Stompythedinosaur · 07/02/2023 11:51

It is less the message and more his reaction that is suspicious.

The person who messaged you clearly doesn't want to speak more. You'll have to accept that.

I don't think you need to speak to them, though. His reaction is not a normal reaction and is very, very suspicious. There can't be much doubt, surely, that he is definitely having an affair? There's no other explanation for his aggression, defensiveness, and not letting you see his phone until he's had a chance to delete things.

tootiredtospeak · 07/02/2023 11:55

They have done you a favour. Try to move past that wanting to know and rejoice that he has gone. Tell him to stay gone and get on with your future you wanted to seperate and now you can.

FenghuangHoyan · 07/02/2023 12:03

If my partner said what you did to me, I'd want to see the Facebook account. I'd show them my phones and my bank account (I don't have any cash on me these days) and ask them when I'm supposed to have fitted an affair into my life.

I'd not have blown up at my partner. I'd have been angry at the Facebook person. But then, I know I'm not having an affair.

mrsh1807 · 07/02/2023 12:19

This happened to me several years ago. A fake FB profile, a simple message telling me my husband had been cheating for years and I should know. That was it. Never any follow up messages, nothing.

I'll never know for sure what happened with him, he's always twisted and turned when I've asked.

Took me a while but I did leave him. Whether it was an emotional or physical affair, I'll never know. Either way, the fact he was in a secret relationship with someone else for many years just highlighted the massive flaws between us. He wouldn't go to counselling and I couldn't move on.

Good luck OP, I think he reaction is odd for an innocent person. Of course you did the right thing in asking him about the messages, a normal person would of course be upset but also keen to reassure you and find out what the hell was going on.

Bunnyfuller · 07/02/2023 12:42

Maybe the message is from the other woman? Can you tell her how he acted when confronted in case he is spinning a yarn about being ready to leave you etc? Or tell her it’s out of the blue because he’s so loving and attentive? That might push her? Or she could be the friend of the other woman?

Get those ducks, op. He sounds not nice anyway xx

Northernparent68 · 07/02/2023 12:44

maybe he’s angry because it’s not true and you don’t trust him

bluebell34567 · 07/02/2023 12:46

if that person is OW, maybe he spoke to her thats why she is not replying.

Christmaspyjamas · 07/02/2023 12:47

Yes this looks like the behaviour of a cheat when confronted.

Have you found anything on bank statements etc? If he's away on business he could be charging to a company credit card.

He is trying to bully and intimidate you into letting this drop whilst no doubt sulking and fuming that you'll be onto him now.

lowclouds · 07/02/2023 13:02

Elsiebear90 · 07/02/2023 11:39

His reaction just screams guilty to me, plus he works away from home regularly and is secretive with his phone so he has opportunity. If you add all this together it doesn’t look good at all. I would do some snooping for evidence.

I wouldn't even bother looking for more evidence to be honest.

His reaction is completely telling, people don't get this angry about something they genuinely have no involvement in. They just don't.

But even on the very, very slim chance that he is innocent, he has a serious anger issue. Look at how extreme his reaction was. That's not the reaction of a normal, stable adult.

Either way OP, whether he cheated on you or not, you don't want to stay with someone like this.

Don't torture yourself trying to find the truth because you'll never know the whole story anyway. Just get yourself out of there.

Rosellee · 07/02/2023 13:03

Imagineit · 07/02/2023 11:32

I think another thing that gets me is his disinterest in wanting to dig deeper. If it were me, I'd want to know who was saying those things but he said he wanted nothing to do with it and it was my problem not his!

This tells you that he has something to hide.

foxlover47 · 07/02/2023 13:07

This has made the daily
Mirror online OP

Received a message
Scooby5kids · 07/02/2023 13:21

Imagineit · 07/02/2023 11:32

I think another thing that gets me is his disinterest in wanting to dig deeper. If it were me, I'd want to know who was saying those things but he said he wanted nothing to do with it and it was my problem not his!

Its definitely not a normal reaction. A normal reaction would "What the hell? Who? What did they say? This is definitely all lies because I would never do this to you and I will prove it!"

Eyerollcentral · 07/02/2023 13:25

2023a · 07/02/2023 02:51

Is simply saying ‘of course I’m not’ all you meant by reassurance? That, I have no issue with.

However (with all this talk of going through phones), that doesn’t appear to be what pp have meant by ‘reassurance’.

Show quote history

Not sure what you have taken reassurance to mean but sounds way off the mark for most people.

Honeyroar · 07/02/2023 13:25

Northernparent68 · 07/02/2023 12:44

maybe he’s angry because it’s not true and you don’t trust him

Maybe he is, but shouting, screaming and verbally attacking his wife and storming off isn’t exactly going to help the situation, is it! He needs to discuss it, be totally open and help get to the bottom of why this has happened if he wants to help his wife get her head round this and save the marriage.

nc1013 · 07/02/2023 13:30

Northernparent68 · 07/02/2023 12:44

maybe he’s angry because it’s not true and you don’t trust him

She didn't initially say she didn't trust him. She simply showed him the message she had received and he flew off the handle

mourndayclub · 07/02/2023 13:43

His actions definitely seem like that of someone guilty, although I had a similar situation where a woman messaged me to tell me about what my DP at the time had been doing. And I was a bit naive and didn't realise that she herself was extremely narcissistic and unhinged.

I learnt a big lesson DO NOT take everything she says at face value. The woman that messaged me caught me out by giving me a little bit of proof but then filling in details that weren't true but because I'd seen a little bit of truth I assumed she wasn't lying about anything and it turned out she was massively lying to play me and cause me maximum distress and anger. So do not take her at her word whatever she says, ask for proof.