Page 38 | Could he be having an affair???

heartbroken26 · 2023-02-04T11:41:43+00:00

Name changed for this!! I don't even know why im posting!! I don't know anything yet?! Im hoping it's all innocent!! Today my husband told me he was going off to golf! No problem, it's a hobby he's taken up in the last 6 months and goes off most weekends! He always said it's a good de stresser as we have 2 children under 5, one of which is an baby. So of course I've had no reason to suspect anything untoward!! My friend text me saying she's seen him with a woman shopping in the next town over!!! She doesn't think he saw her. I don't know what to do, say, do I ring him? Do I confront him when he's home? I'm hoping my friend is wrong 😩

Wiluli · 06/02/2023 21:15

Hi . Please see a family solicitor asap , make sure you gave access to money , keep access to joint accounts etc . Do not be tempted to look back hun . I’m a solicitor , I often have wife’s giving up the process half way to then often restarting a few months after . That level of deception is huge and he will never change . You deserve so much better .

Original poster

heartbroken26 · 06/02/2023 21:16

EmilyGilmoresSass · 06/02/2023 21:01

OP, my first post was full of sympathy. My second was full of tough love, telling you to basically wise up, and for that I do apologise. I have been in your shoes and it was completely wrong of me to be so rude, but I just saw so many flags in your posts that reflected my own past and know I could have done with it being tough loved with me at the time. However, everybody is different and I'm aware that you likely did not need my comment and on reflection it came across stronger and ruder than intended, so I would like to say sorry, genuinely and I'm deeply apologetic. I actually had hoped I was being an even bigger asshole than I was and that I was completely wrong. I do have genuine sympathy for you and I'm sorry I was rude in my second post and wish you and your sons the absolute best. And please take advantage of your mum while she is there, my own wasn't overly helpful for me and it is a great help to have in these circumstances. You WILL get through this and one day you will realise you are worth much more than the way he treated you. It's hard for a while, I won't lie and say it isn't, but in the long run you will be okay x

Thank you, I do appreciate your apology as it did hurt to be called a stalker and weird for sniffing. I'm glad people came to back me up on the sniffing lol! Thank you for your heartfelt message x

OP posts:

YouJustDoYou · 06/02/2023 21:32

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

YouJustDoYou · 06/02/2023 21:32

Or sniffing :)

MsLilac · 06/02/2023 21:36

So sorry to hear this. I’ve not read all the comments, just yours but when you said he’s had a shower after golf, that was the fact that raised the most suspicion to me. My ex husband had a very long term affair which I was unaware of and used to ‘go to the gym’ as his cover/excuse. He was having an affair with one of my supposed good friend’s sister. She never told me until he confessed when I just found out I was pregnant with my second child. Everyone will be giving you well meaning advice but just get through each day at the moment and try to process everything. I wish I had found out sooner. Kudos to your friend for telling you, don’t underestimate that and don’t blame her: this is all him and her sister.

MsDogLady · 06/02/2023 21:44

HB26, your H’s treachery is truly beyond the pale. Instead of surrounding you with his utmost love, respect and compassion re your difficult birth of his new little son and your ongoing painful injury, he decided to shit on you from a great height to pursue a sexual/emotional adventure with his teenage girlfriend/sister of your friend. Cheaters lie, so this affair could have begun much earlier.

His orchestrated betrayal goes deep and wide: the deception behind his smile, golf and overtime covers, colluding friends, stashed clothing, he & OW acting like a couple all over the place. I would be devastated by his heartless infidelity and disloyalty, and livid that he willingly made me and my boys objects of pity.

We’re behind you in solidarity. Keep posting for our support, HB26.

maybebabybutnottonight · 06/02/2023 21:52

I was also hoping for his sake this was all a mistake, what a shame he's lost a woman like you.

Senorfrijoles · 06/02/2023 22:00

His flippin' golf mates were in on it too if they were posting pics on social media to help him cover his tracks... shameful!

Smilingthroughtears · 06/02/2023 22:13

Hello,
I went through this 4 years ago. A close friend being the affair partner.
We are nearly divorced and I am so much happier. I have met someone new. My children are happy. I have had my eyes opened go how controlling and difficult he was too. I was with him for a similar amount of time to you.
All I can say is I have been there, it was devastating but hold your head up high. You are the lady was something my Spanish friend told me and it helped as I had to see the woman he had an affair with, my ex friend, everyday almost.
Small place too.
You will be ok. You will be strong and amazing for those children. It’s ok not to be too and rely on those who love you like friends and family at times.
Lots of love to you. I have just come back on mumsnet and need to change my name to a happier one too!
xx

kateandme · 06/02/2023 22:41

for those saying think it through dont make any rash decisions. oh come one! make a fucking rash decision and get the lying cheating bastard out. this doesnt require thought. its doesnt matter kids or not family or not. this woman has been treated in the worst way and even thinking of staying is not worthy of her or any woman like her.
there are always "circumstance" but if she can she needs to leave as soon as possible and get away from this shit

EmilyGilmoresSass · 06/02/2023 22:41

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

In my defence... I did actually say I have been through this... in actually fact I have been through it twice. In both cases involving domestic violence. But yes, sure. Call me shit for actually apologising. I'll bow out now 🙄

GrimsbyOrangePippin · 06/02/2023 22:52

OP needs to sleep and if she's taking the children in the car tomorrow and gone two days without sleep that's very dangerous. I don't disagree, especially with regard to the driving. It's really important that OP's Mum knows to what extent she is on duty and whether OP has taken anything, that's all. If not officially co-sleeping, this is when accidents are more likely to happen unfortunately. Others reading might take your sensible suggestion out of context too so that is why I commented back 😃

Defiantlynot41 · 06/02/2023 23:06

@ButterBastardBeans @WafflesOrIceCream I thought of you both when I saw this posted on a local FB page today (not taken by me, it's a fantastic photo)

GrimsbyOrangePippin · 06/02/2023 23:07

for those saying think it through dont make any rash decisions. oh come one! make a fucking rash decision and get the lying cheating bastard out.

I see where you are coming from, but I think that it's important that she can take a moment to get some sleep, and make the decisions which are right for her. Which might be kicking him and his stuff out tomorrow or might involve more thinking about strategy such as divorce and practicalities, money etc. She's got RL support to help her make sensible decisions fast or slow so that's good. If domestic abuse was a factor (and apologies if I've missed some late info about that) that would be a different matter, even then advice on here is usually to get ducks in a row first even if only over a few hours or days, at the least passport, birth certificates, charged phone, money, bag for the baby, blankets etc., unless the threat is constant or imminent in which case you go, immediately, and I'm the first to say it and have done. As I understand it, there isn't violence, but she's dependent, she has a small baby and another young children, she needs to take care of herself, get legal representation, and so on. He can stay at his mother's or a friend's or whatever, and toe the line regarding when to collect his work gear, when to see the children etc., while she works it all out. Across days or weeks. Months even potentially. Well, that's my opinion.

GrimsbyOrangePippin · 06/02/2023 23:16

Um, no they're not to show lighthearted humor

Oh they can be used in a lot of different ways, dependent on many factors. Unless you are a linguist I suggest you (and the others who were so bothered about the exclamation marks earlier) take your opinions about grammar etc. elsewhere or preferably nowhere. If you are a linguist, what you have to say on the topic might be interesting, but ditto. This thread really isn't the place for that discussion, clearly, is it?🙄

ButterBastardBeans · 06/02/2023 23:45

Defiantlynot41 · 06/02/2023 23:06

@ButterBastardBeans @WafflesOrIceCream I thought of you both when I saw this posted on a local FB page today (not taken by me, it's a fantastic photo)

Genuinely they eat anything. They have wrecked the FOD and the tourism with it. Walking a dog in the FOD is no longer a pleasure. I have personally dealt with several dogs that have been killed or maimed by boar in my job.

MustBeGinOclock · 07/02/2023 00:39

My first ever MN post but just wanted to say keep strong I'm sorry you are going through this.

kateandme · 07/02/2023 03:48

GrimsbyOrangePippin · 06/02/2023 23:07

for those saying think it through dont make any rash decisions. oh come one! make a fucking rash decision and get the lying cheating bastard out.

I see where you are coming from, but I think that it's important that she can take a moment to get some sleep, and make the decisions which are right for her. Which might be kicking him and his stuff out tomorrow or might involve more thinking about strategy such as divorce and practicalities, money etc. She's got RL support to help her make sensible decisions fast or slow so that's good. If domestic abuse was a factor (and apologies if I've missed some late info about that) that would be a different matter, even then advice on here is usually to get ducks in a row first even if only over a few hours or days, at the least passport, birth certificates, charged phone, money, bag for the baby, blankets etc., unless the threat is constant or imminent in which case you go, immediately, and I'm the first to say it and have done. As I understand it, there isn't violence, but she's dependent, she has a small baby and another young children, she needs to take care of herself, get legal representation, and so on. He can stay at his mother's or a friend's or whatever, and toe the line regarding when to collect his work gear, when to see the children etc., while she works it all out. Across days or weeks. Months even potentially. Well, that's my opinion.

oh i agree with time to get herself sorted and the practical bits etc.my point was more to those who were saying think it through what she wanted to do with regards to staying with him,making it work,can she forgive him.

Bananatushy · 07/02/2023 04:47

This might sound ‘wild’ but could you just ask him? Say hey, my mate said they saw you out? Were you at golf today? Or did you go out with someone else

IAmWomanHearMeRoar1 · 07/02/2023 04:55

Bananatushy · 07/02/2023 04:47

This might sound ‘wild’ but could you just ask him? Say hey, my mate said they saw you out? Were you at golf today? Or did you go out with someone else

@Bananatushy You're way late. Please read all the OP's posts by clicking on OP posts: See all at the end of her first post.

Mothership4two · 07/02/2023 04:57

Bit late for that @Bananatushy he has been having an affair

Pollyvk · 07/02/2023 06:11

I agree. No point playing games. You have 2 young children. I would throw him out … you will never trust him again. . If he left his golf clubs he’s obviously an idiot too ! Divorce is
better than being perpetually distrusting . Can drive you crazy! So sorry for you hun.

Deathraystare · 07/02/2023 07:54

@endoftheworldniteclub ·
Hide the golf clubs and see how many more months it will take before he asks where they are.

Well as he does not need them, they can be given away to charity. With a look of surprise when he asks where they are. He really boiled my piss with his 'destressing from the kids!' Is he with them 24 hours actually caring for them? Nope. Fucker.

emarys81 · 07/02/2023 10:31

I commented on your first thread but I was just reading one of your subsequent messages and wanted to add another bit of advice! You need to make it clear to him (and yourself) that if he holds any hope of staying with you then drip-feeding you bits of the truth is the quickest way to damage any chance of that. He needs to own up to everything, up front, or forget about being with you. Not in huge details but at least the full extent of the relationship. You will probably never fully trust him again but if he does his best to show you he is genuinely trying to right himself, that is what you can try to trust. That's if you do still want to be with him yourself.

I'm so, so sorry once again, especially with your children being so young. It is totally unfair, selfish and immature of him. One more thing: I understand why you would not want to broadcast this to your wider social circle, especially if you hope to stay together. But don't protect him from the disapproval and anger of your closer friends and family, including his friends. He has not just hurt you, he has hurt your network of people and he should be held to account by them too. Don't let him get away with hiding behind your hesitation to tell others. You deserve their support, he deserves their disapproval!

workiskillingme · 07/02/2023 11:10

Bananatushy · 07/02/2023 04:47

This might sound ‘wild’ but could you just ask him? Say hey, my mate said they saw you out? Were you at golf today? Or did you go out with someone else

Always someone with such an amazing suggestion like 800 posts in 👍🏾