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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Could he be having an affair???

972 replies

heartbroken26 · 04/02/2023 11:41

Name changed for this!! I don't even know why im posting!! I don't know anything yet?! Im hoping it's all innocent!!

Today my husband told me he was going off to golf! No problem, it's a hobby he's taken up in the last 6 months and goes off most weekends! He always said it's a good de stresser as we have 2 children under 5, one of which is an baby. So of course I've had no reason to suspect anything untoward!!

My friend text me saying she's seen him with a woman shopping in the next town over!!! She doesn't think he saw her.

I don't know what to do, say, do I ring him? Do I confront him when he's home? I'm hoping my friend is wrong 😩

OP posts:
honeypancake · 04/02/2023 12:21

I really doubt a married man would go out shopping for a Valentine's gift for his wife with another woman. Seriously? They do it after work alone , not on a weekend when you have two young kids

Motnight · 04/02/2023 12:22

GrasstrackGirl · 04/02/2023 12:19

Wow this is a fast moving thread, OP got their answer very quickly.

It really is.

Original poster
heartbroken26 · 04/02/2023 12:23

Dejavu23 · 04/02/2023 12:19

He wouldn’t think op would check he had taken the clubs.

No he wouldn't! The main reason being I'm scared of the garage as I'm absolutely petrified of spiders! I know it sounds daft, so yes I don't think he would even think I would go in there

OP posts:
CrackersCheeseAndWinePlease · 04/02/2023 12:23

What a twat! I'm sorry you're going through this OP, I agree with others though even if he's not having an affair (which it looks like he is) then he's still taking the piss leaving you all day with the kids.
I wouldn't bother playing detective you've got all the proof you need. I hope you have some support around you x

SamTG · 04/02/2023 12:23

Denise82 · 04/02/2023 12:15

In fact don't call, have the clubs at the front door when he gets home so he see them, then ask him where he was and that your friend thought they saw him shopping in town, was it for valentines etc if he confirms he was in town, then ask who the woman was as you will know it was him.
You know your husband and you will know if he's lying to you. x

I think clearly she doesn’t know when her husband is lying, so she won’t “know” when she confronts him either.

Also OP- when you do talk to him- please don’t kindly offer up an excuse to him on a plate, like shopping for Valentine’s Day.

Good luck to you 😘

lozrox90 · 04/02/2023 12:23

I really hope you get some answers later OP. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this Flowers

Original poster
heartbroken26 · 04/02/2023 12:24

He's due home around 3, what do I say? I'm torn between the advice of some to continue to watch and investigate or have it out with him!!

OP posts:
Zombiemama84 · 04/02/2023 12:25

You need to ask him fa e to face so you can see his reaction. As hard as it is to wait feeling like this do not call or text him about it. Can your friend be there with you when he gets back? She can tell him she saw him and watch his reaction he can’t try to gas light you and make you sound crazy if someone else is saying they saw him

nc1013 · 04/02/2023 12:25

GrasstrackGirl · 04/02/2023 12:19

Wow this is a fast moving thread, OP got their answer very quickly.

😂😂😂😂

Original poster
heartbroken26 · 04/02/2023 12:25

He's just replied!! Golf is fine! And just asked how the baby was. He has a cold at the moment! Cool as a cucumber! I'm really starting to get mad now! He's taking me for a fool!

OP posts:
CrackersCheeseAndWinePlease · 04/02/2023 12:26

heartbroken26 · 04/02/2023 12:25

He's just replied!! Golf is fine! And just asked how the baby was. He has a cold at the moment! Cool as a cucumber! I'm really starting to get mad now! He's taking me for a fool!

He's taking you for an absolute fool! Pack his stuff and chuck it in the garden

Original poster
heartbroken26 · 04/02/2023 12:27

@nc1013 I'm glad you find my situation so laughable! Very cruel

OP posts:
FrangipaniBlue · 04/02/2023 12:27

I would do as a poster up thread says.

Let him tell you all about his day golfing. Let him dig a big hole.

Then casually drop in "wow, how amazing you managed all that without you clubs".

Again let him dig a bigger hole with an excuse before telling him he was seen.

nc1013 · 04/02/2023 12:27

If it's a small town that your friend saw him in, I'd be tempted to go there

starynight63 · 04/02/2023 12:27

Oh my god OP I feel so much for you. I went through similar 18months ago, having a 6month old at home! The shock is just flooring. So thankful you've got this true friend to tell you & not just sit on that info.. you WILL get through this. I would confront him, I don't think there's any way you'll be able to keep it to yourself. X

MrsVeryIrritated · 04/02/2023 12:28

@heartbroken26 why don't you phone the golf club? This will give you an instant answer instead of guessing etc

Fullrecoveryispossible · 04/02/2023 12:29

I’m so sorry! This is truly awful. If I were you id text him saying your heading into the town he’s in, asking if he needs anything?!

nc1013 · 04/02/2023 12:30

heartbroken26 · 04/02/2023 12:27

@nc1013 I'm glad you find my situation so laughable! Very cruel

Sorry I've been on 2 threads simultaneously on my phone. I posted below that my advice would be to go to the town where your friend saw him.

The other post was for another thread. Sorry I'm definitely not laughing. I've been through similar - 8 years ago and I still remember the shock

halfthesun · 04/02/2023 12:30

So sorry you are going through this ... my heart racing just reading this. My ex had an affair with my BF. Glad your friend is on her way round. Tbh I wouldn't be able to wait ... I'd go and find him.

EL0ISE · 04/02/2023 12:31

I disagree with with everyone else . Do NOT confront your husband .

He will just bull shit you, say he forget his clubs and used his mates. And that your “ witness “ mate mistook someone else for him .

When your friend comes over, put kids in front of CBeebies and get your friend to help you go through all your / his paperwork and make copies / photograph everything .

Store the on the cloud / emails to trusted friends

bank statements

mortgage statements

tenancy agreement
pensions
savings
credit cards
pay slip
bonuses
job contract
tax returns
car paperwork
marriage certificate
kids birth certificates

Say nothing to him today About the ( probably cheating ). Tell him that tour friend came over today because SHE was upset because her gran is sick / uncle had cancer / whatever.

anything that gives you an excuse is he spots that you are acting of with him . “ Yeah Im just really tired / upset about Emma’s gran”.

It also gives you a reason to go over to “ Emma’s “ house one evening if you need to talk .

On Monday make a solicitors appointment. Find out what you are entitled to if you divorce.

Still say nothing to your husband.

Keep watching him for more signs of an affair. Photograph everything ( like the golf clubs in the garage ).

Take some time to work out what YOU want to do, armed with the above information . Go for counselling ( alone) if that helps.

binbum · 04/02/2023 12:31

Can you go in to the town where they were seen or ask your friend to go back in? A picture of them, even from far off is concrete evidence. Otherwise he may be the type that denies everything. Sorry you're going through this OP, I really hope there is an innocent explanation.

pleaseletmesleeptonight · 04/02/2023 12:32

What an idiot, I'm so so glad you have that one amazing friend who let you know.

Hope you are Ok and she is with you.

SarahsApples · 04/02/2023 12:33

Agree with everyone else, if friend knows what town it was in can you go with her and try and get a photo?

I would start to get ducks in a row - photograph mortgage statements, bank statements, anything that will help you in the divorce

photograph golf clubs in the garage

screengrab the fact his location is turned off

try and keep calm but ultimately need to gather evidence and proof to help you in divorce scenario

EL0ISE · 04/02/2023 12:34

Do not ask him face to face, you don’t need to “ see his reaction “. He's been lying to you every single day for 6 months and you suspected nothing, he’s good at it.

Hes also had 6 months to think of a cover story. You are wasting your time, alerting him so he can cover his tracks AND giving him time to hide / move money.

TwinsAndTiramisu · 04/02/2023 12:34

@heartbroken26

Do not confront him! Not yet. First, get copies of every single bit of paperwork/statements/pensions/mortgage etc and get them to your friends/mums house. Don't alert him.

I know this will be bloody tough not to scream at the cheating prick, but it only has to be for 24hrs if you can get your stuff sorted that quickly.

Get your ducks in a row, as they say, and only when you have covered your ass, reveal what you know.

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