Islamic divorce HELP

[aishaali]

I have a Nikkah in the UK so it is not recognised as a civil marriage. I have two kids and we were Islamically married for 4 years. My husband left me 2 months ago and has told me he has booked an Islamic divorce with an imam in 2 weeks time. He doesn’t pay any maintenance or anything, he has just left to live with his parents, and I am left with the 2 kids at home paying rent. The thing is I have no financial protection here or no rights whatsoever. I told him I won’t be attending the Islamic divorce because it is too soon. A legal divorce takes months, even years to settle, and somehow for an Islamic divorce he can literally sign a paper with an imam present and divorce me there and then. I said I will not attend to delay the divorce because we need to have childcare plans and financial arrangements in place. He said if I don’t attend the appointment in 2 weeks then apparently he is able to sign the forms without me and do the Islamic divorce without me even being present! He said women don’t get a say in islam so he will divorce me and send me a divorce paper through the post. How crazy is that? I feel so helpless. Ideally I wanted to save the marriage but I have no time and certainly no time to settle finances etc. Has any other Muslim woman with only an Islamic Nikkah ceremony been divorced by their husband without even being present at the mosque? Why do women in UK get no say in Islamic divorce? Since it is not a legal marriage I have no power or protection or rights.

You do not have a life partner. You have a flaky immature man who drifts in and out of your life and the children's lives, sleeps with other women and does not care enough about his children to offer reasonable financial provision when he is not there. You have given him plenty of chances, what makes you think he will change?

www.mumsnet.com/talk/childcare/4700742-partner-doesnt-help-with-childcare?page=2&reply=123444868

This is OP. @aishaali please seek counselling. Give your daughter a chance not to be indoctrinated into this mindset.

Hello my sister
I'm a muslim as well so please listen to me when I say that based on your nikkah you have no 'rights' as such legally speaking in the UK.

However, you do have the right to claim for child maintenance under the law. Please get yourself a solicitor and start taking action to make sure you and your children are taken care of. That is the priority here.

You also need to find support for yourself to understand that if your husband leaves you it is not your fault and you shouldn't be embarassed. It doesn't matter what aunties and uncles that barely know you think. What is important is your and your children's wellbeing. That's it.

A lot of my friends say my husband is good looking and I’m lucky to have him

Then I'd gently suggest you find yourself better friends, preferable ones less shallow and who appreciate that violence and sleeping around isn't acceptable in any type of religious marriage, Islam included

Difficult as it could be I'm wondering if relocation would work for you, so you could start afresh away from this toxicity ... it might be hard, but surely no harder than what you're expected to tolerate now?

You should be more concerned about what your children are learning from this than what "society" thinks about you. You are teaching them that it is ok for men to treat women like shit.

That’s correct OP, in the UK you are not married and never were. I’m sorry. I’m guessing you must have had a very sheltered upbringing if you were raised in the UK but did not know you needed a legal marriage to get the legal rights of a wife.

(If you had Nikkah in an Islamic law country and then came to the UK, that would be different, but it sounds like you did not.)

As an unmarried mother in the UK you do have the right to financial support for your children unless the father is doing half the childcare.
www.gov.uk/calculate-child-maintenance

The relationship does not sound like something that can be saved. The sooner you accept that, the sooner you can begin to move on with your life. Do you have family here who can help you sort out your life? Do you have any money / property of your own?

I’d definitely recommend you seeing an English solicitor who has expertise in Islamic marriage as perhaps he will have ideas thag I don’t know about.

You need to think about what your children will and experience being exposed to the more toxic parts of our cultural traditions. Just because somethign is always done a certain way doesn't mean it is right. I am proud of my cultural heritage and my family. I would never allow my husband to treat me as anything but an equal partner. You need to start recognising that your self worth is more than just lookign after men. It's hard to break out of the way we have been brought up but in the UK, you have the support, the freedom and the law on your side. There is nothing wrong with a single mother being strong and bringing up her children to be respectful, open minded and accepting. Or do you want to continue being part of a community that thinks domestic abuse is a more acceptable than independance and respect?

He is embarrassing you and your family with his behaviour

I don’t think you would face stigma of being divorced if he openly flaunts other women on social media

i think maybe you need to try to see that he is not good for your family and he is disrespecting you as his wife and he is disrespecting his children and your family. That is shameful on his part

bit also, if he leaves frequently he is probably quite unhappy within your relationship and clearly you are unhappy too.

Why are you trying to save a marriage where your husband so obviously doesn’t want to be with you? As others have said get a solicitor to protect you and you should also claim child maintenance from him.

Your reason for not doing a legal marriage makes no sense, you say the reason for not doing s legal marriage is evacuee Islamic marriage is not recognized in non Islamic countries, given you live in the UK surely that should be the reason to do a legal marriage to give yourself some protection.

Looks like you don’t think you can handle being alone and it’s probably made worse by the societal pressure and stigma that will come with being divorced in the Islamic culture and the misogynistic behaviors. I just read about the talaq divorce and you are right by saying that he releases you and then as a woman you are expected to wait 3 months to ensure you’re not pregnant and that’s it marriage over. That is so barbaric because he will be fine to get married easily while the woman will carry the stigma of being rejected.

based on the little research I did you may be entitled to Nafkah Iddah which is an obligatory maintenance relating to food, clothing and accommodation for the wife, children so as others have said find a solicitor who understands Islamic laws and can fight for you.

what are your parents and family saying? Are they pricing any support for you?

Another who doesn’t understand how you do not know the difference? Did you grow up in the U.K.?

A Nikah is no different to living together in the U.K. in that there is no legal contract. It is a ceremony where living together in the U.K. is acceptable in Islam. A partner can leave whenever they want pretty much.

If your DH decides to move out and divorce you then, as others have said, child maintenance can be paid, nothing to do with religion. If eligible you can claim benefits to top up your earnings.

So again why are you trying to save the marriage?

What about your dowry OP? You need to tell the imam what he gets up to, tell the imam YOU want a divorce and you want to claim your dowry and he needs to provide for the children. Get your parents to chase this from his parents.

You need to claim full child maintenance and you need to cut ties for good. For the sake of your children and yourself. I say all of this with kindness and as a Muslim.

And again I ask why you are so desperate to save this type of marriage?

I’m

Your lack of awareness and self worth is worrying.

You are not legally married and therefore you aren’t being divorced. He left you, again, and is trying to save face with the Imam and religious community. This makes no difference to you and trying to get him back on s showing your children a terrible example. The statement about him being handsome is pathetic.

Call the CSA and submit a child support claim.

In addition to child maintenance from the CMS, consider having a quick chat with a solicitor about whether you have any claim under Schedule 1 of the Children Act 1989.

Correction: divorce is frowned upon for the some due to the misogynist Islamic culture and the woman will be seen as used goods with no value while the man will be free and able to get married again if he wishes. The woman will be treated as scum and not good enough and looked down upon while she is stuck with the kids and probably has little earning power as she was most likely SAHM and dependent on the man for money.

It's alarming that a woman born into Islam knows less about her Islamic rights as a wife and mother in a nikka than those of us with limited knowledge of Islam :(

@aishaali Contact www.mwnuk.co.uk/#

And

www.solacewomensaid.org/get-help/other-support-services/muslim-womens-helpline

They will understand all the religious and cultural sensitivities at play here. I've never used them, but I would assume they'll also help you to enforce what rights you do have legally and navigate the religious process. I hope there's someone on here who does have experience of support services for Muslim women who can give advice from their own experiences.

Women on MN are going advise you to let him leave, claim CMS, be independent and build a good, shame-free life for yourself and your children. Naturally, I think this what you should do, but I do understand that you're dealing with a lot of cultural expectations, which can be really difficult.

The facts are that you don't have rights to delay the divorce your husband wants. What you can do is ensure you claim CMS which will protect your children and ease the financial burden on you.

I will also tell you that the shame is his alone, not yours. No decent person would treat another the way he does you, especially a spouse. You and your children deserve better.

Hold your head high because you have done nothing wrong.

Do not let your life be dictated by the whims and selfishness of another person. You can live a good Muslim life while being divorced.

Given you live in the UK surely that should be the reason to do a legal marriage to give yourself some protection

Let's not assume OP's ex would have agreed to a UK legal marriage even if OP had realised the implications

From the sound of things he expects to do only what suits him personally, and worse, this particular community are prepared to enable him in that regardless of the fact that their cultural attitudes ("That's just what men do") fly in the face of their professed religion

Which is why I suggested that, hard as it may be, moving away from the whole mess may be no bad idea

I'm a Muslim, go to that meeting. Tell the imam you want to reconcile. You will be able to claim child support but nothing else.

OP listen -

1. you are and have always been an unmarried woman.
2. Your live-in partner has decided to split up.
3. You need to make him pay maintenance so get a solicitor.

nothing else matters.

You’re not in the same situation at all.

And why have you posted this on this thread? Should you not create your own thread?

Really sorry posted in the wrong thread and don’t know how to remove! It’s my first post! 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

@Busybusybusy you need to start your own thread rather than post as a reply to someone else