Islamic divorce HELP

[aishaali]

I have a Nikkah in the UK so it is not recognised as a civil marriage. I have two kids and we were Islamically married for 4 years. My husband left me 2 months ago and has told me he has booked an Islamic divorce with an imam in 2 weeks time. He doesn’t pay any maintenance or anything, he has just left to live with his parents, and I am left with the 2 kids at home paying rent. The thing is I have no financial protection here or no rights whatsoever. I told him I won’t be attending the Islamic divorce because it is too soon. A legal divorce takes months, even years to settle, and somehow for an Islamic divorce he can literally sign a paper with an imam present and divorce me there and then. I said I will not attend to delay the divorce because we need to have childcare plans and financial arrangements in place. He said if I don’t attend the appointment in 2 weeks then apparently he is able to sign the forms without me and do the Islamic divorce without me even being present! He said women don’t get a say in islam so he will divorce me and send me a divorce paper through the post. How crazy is that? I feel so helpless. Ideally I wanted to save the marriage but I have no time and certainly no time to settle finances etc. Has any other Muslim woman with only an Islamic Nikkah ceremony been divorced by their husband without even being present at the mosque? Why do women in UK get no say in Islamic divorce? Since it is not a legal marriage I have no power or protection or rights.

I do love him and I’m embarrassed to be divorced
well last time he left I saw on social media he was seeing another woman. I texted her and she told me they were dating and slept together. He then ended it with her and apologised so I forgave him and he returned. I think he realises the grass isn’t greener then returns

You seem fairly unaware of Islamic traditions for someone born into the culture. It would be worth your while speaking to your imam yourself.

I do love him and I’m embarrassed to be divorced

No need to be embarrassed, because as everyone is telling you, YOU WERE NEVER MARRIED.

I knew about the talaq, talaq, talaq thing and I'm Roman Catholic.

People are giving you good advice on how to proceed in terms of securing some financial security for your kids. And you're ignoring that because you just want to wax on about forcing him to come back to you and the stigma of being "divorced".

He's now left you six times. He might be a shit but it sounds like he is genuinely unhappy and you must have been too. Focus on yourself and your kids.

Just read your update , good looks mean nothing. You say a life parnter is hard to find , well he isn't a life partner because he keeps leaving . He's also taking advantage because he knows your still clinging on.
Finally you will not be a lonely single mum, you are currently a lonely married woman which is worse.
You need to think about your childrens needs not the fact that you don't like to be labelled a single mum.
If your seriously saying a guy that keeps leaving you and barely looks after the kids stops you from feeling lonely then you need to address why you feel this way because you shouldn't be.
Even if you work things out and he changes his behaviour, only YOU can make YOU happy and not feel alone, stop relying on others.

He's not realising the grass isn't greener. He just knows that you'll put up with anything. He sounds awful OP. I hope that you can escape the marriage and work on your self esteem and get your children out of such an unstable unhealthy relationship. They are watching this and either being led to believe it's what they deserve (if they're girls) or how they should behave themselves (if they're boys).

Let him go. You're worth more than that!

Is it less embarrassing that he continuously leaves, even openly admits to sleeping with other people, and then returns as though nothing has happened?
It seems a rather predictable pattern, and so if he does come back, and you accept him in to the home again, which by your own comment seems highly likely, I would insist on getting a legally binding marriage to protect you the next time he does it.

You are being walked all over OP. Get yourself a solicitor. Call CMS. But no one can help you unless you want to help yourself and your children. Him being good-looking is no excuse. "Divorce is frowned up" but him sleeping with other women isn't. I'm Muslim, I'm divorced, I am a single mum- and its much much better than being married to an idiot. Feel free to DM me.

commonslibrary.parliament.uk/research-briefings/cbp-8747/

OP you’ve had lots of good advice on this thread but you sound distressed and confused and in the kindest possible way very naive. Contact this organisation on Monday they help women in your situation www.mwnhelpline.co.uk/issuesstep2.php?id=24

Wow OP where are your boundaries and self love? Your husband is a bastard.

Have you had an STD test? If he’s slept with other women? Does it matter he’s good looking? What is it you want or need in life? There is so much more to life than settling for this twit!

You get your child maintenance and you work on building a life away from him. Fuck the shame - move out of the community and see what life is about.

This is medieval thinking.

I was also going to suggest you speak to your Imam. What about family?

It is so sad that women in 2023 are in this situation. You seem to be at the mercy of men- your Ex and Imam. If there is shame it is on HIM. What decent person leaves their children without financial support? Surely your community would judge him for this?

Get yourself a solicitor

Why? All she has to do is inform universal credit that she is now a single parent household.

I understand the feeling of shame in the community, however remind yourself that he walked out on his family. It is not a reflection you, he cheated on his wife, that is against Isam.

Hold your head high and if anyone one says anything calmly tell them that it was his choice to leave his family and that you can't control an adult. Keep repeating that you wanted your marriage to work and you were committed and it was his choice to have sex outside marriage and leave you.

Deep down his parents will know this.

If one person wants to divorce regardless of if its an islamic marriage or other then they can, the other person cannot stop it happening.

You will be ok, it might not feel like it now. But stay strong and you can do this.

Ideally I wanted to save the marriage

There is no marriage to save. He has left you and two children and not looked back. He doesn’t care about whether you will be ok financially or otherwise.

Get legal advice. He can’t just walk away and cut ties, find out what you are entitled to.

Oh dear , every time I post you update with something worse. He's cheating on you and sleeping with other women.
Please please please learn your self worth for your own sake and your children , he is not worth chasing. You need to take a step back and realise its over. Your kids are witnessing their dad's poor unislamic behaviour and it will effect them mentally. You need to be prioritising yourself and them.

Are any of your children girls?

Would this be what you would want for them?

He slept with another woman and you forgave him yet you're more embarrassed in case you become divorced???
Please have higher standards for yourself.
And yes I do understand as I'm from the same culture but you don't have to do this to yourself.
For your sake and your children's please get divorced and be married to a man who deserves you and treats you right.
In islam you have every right as a woman to be remarried it's the culture that puts women down not the religion but you need yo forget what other people think and love your life for you and your children.
They deserve better.

You're not married according to UK law so the 'divorce' is an irrelevance legally. He must however pay maintenance for his children, and you may get some help and advice within your community.

And that will get her maintenance and deal with their house, if they have one, etc? Wow, universal credit do it all now!

I know Nikkah has no legal protection in terms of finances etc but I still thought it is a marriage?

From a UK point of view it's not regarded as a marriage unless it's taken place abroad, so if you've always been in the UK it won't count in law: awhsolicitors.co.uk/articles/family/islamic-marriage-recognised-in-the-uk/#:~:text=If%20you%20had%20your%20Nikah,couples%20within%20a%20civil%20marriage.

As for "what to do", you could always remind him about Islam's rules around providing for the children after a split, but I doubt it would do you much good - like so many of all religions he seems to be picking and choosing whatever bits suit

Certainly you can't prevent him divorcing you, since you were never married in UK law in the first place and he appears to have found an imam who feels men should be enabled to behave however they wish, so for more specialised help I'd approach one of the muslim womens' advice agencies (Muslim Womens Network or similar)

Many mosques and imams in the UK now refuse to do an Islamic wedding without a civil ceremony having been done first, to avoid this situation happening. However, not every mosque and imam has signed up to this.

However, Islamically, he is required to
maintain his children so if he wants to do things the Islamic way, then you need to use those arguments against him and ensure he complies. In the meantime, start an application for maintenance in case he refuses.

I know you’re desperate right now, but your husband has shown you how vile he really is. Over time, you will realise you don’t need someone liKe him in your life.

Poster I remember you.
This man hits and kicks you. He does nothing in the home. He expects breakfast in bed from you whilst you are taking care of the kids alone He is an extremely horrible person.
Please let him go. The marriage hasn't worked.
It's hard but you will be alright in the end. please stop trying to get back with him.

But we muslim women do educate eachother , and male teachers and family members also edaucate women on this . This is genuinely the first time I've come across a Muslim woman who dosnt know the basics. It was even in my RS GCSE.

Please let him leave for good. He’s rotten and bringing you down. You’ll see this eventually.

As for find practicals, is he on the tenancy agreement of the house you rent? If so, he is equally liable for rent. As for CMS, get a claim in now. If You know how much he earns, you can calculate how much you are entitled to.

Is he offering you any money for the rent and children?Get your figures together and approach the imam if you think it will help.