Islamic divorce HELP

[aishaali]

I have a Nikkah in the UK so it is not recognised as a civil marriage. I have two kids and we were Islamically married for 4 years. My husband left me 2 months ago and has told me he has booked an Islamic divorce with an imam in 2 weeks time. He doesn’t pay any maintenance or anything, he has just left to live with his parents, and I am left with the 2 kids at home paying rent. The thing is I have no financial protection here or no rights whatsoever. I told him I won’t be attending the Islamic divorce because it is too soon. A legal divorce takes months, even years to settle, and somehow for an Islamic divorce he can literally sign a paper with an imam present and divorce me there and then. I said I will not attend to delay the divorce because we need to have childcare plans and financial arrangements in place. He said if I don’t attend the appointment in 2 weeks then apparently he is able to sign the forms without me and do the Islamic divorce without me even being present! He said women don’t get a say in islam so he will divorce me and send me a divorce paper through the post. How crazy is that? I feel so helpless. Ideally I wanted to save the marriage but I have no time and certainly no time to settle finances etc. Has any other Muslim woman with only an Islamic Nikkah ceremony been divorced by their husband without even being present at the mosque? Why do women in UK get no say in Islamic divorce? Since it is not a legal marriage I have no power or protection or rights.

I have also grown up in a Northern Mill town, still live in one.
I am not blind to certain issues but I also know some wonderful Muslim men who are devoted to their families (including the women) and have always treated me with nothing but respect

A lot of people have weddings and ceremonies that aren't actually legal marriages because their venue doesn't hold a licence/permit (beaches, forests, barns etc). They usually do the legal part in a registry office before or after. You can have any kind of wedding you want, but if it's not done by an authorised person in an authorised venue it isn't recognised in law.

A few years ago I read a news article in England about a Pakistani woman who successfully went through the English courts for a divorce settlement although she had only been married islamically.

reason being they’d been married a long time and she had not known and been kept in the dark that her marriage was not legally recognised in the UK. But due to the longevity and the way both parties behaved during the marriage to all intents and purposes as a married family she was granted an English divorce.

I’m sure I read it somewhere and I was really glad for her as the marriage was long and she’d given up a lot of personal financial stability under the illusion she had that as she was married.

she also was awarded her mahr in full as it was considered a legally binding contract.

OP I’m Muslim, ex wanted to force me to remain married to him, I got a faskh e nikah the mufti who did the nikah granted it to me and gave me my mahr. And the English courts ignored ex’s dispute on receiving the decree nisi, his argument was the marriage was fine and the courts shouldn’t interfere 🙄.

I got my divorce. The Islamic one was faster and easier the English one was expensive and dragged on because I was married to an abusive arsehole.

Yes. But it didn’t cross my mind to mention it.

Really the entire muslim community??? All resided in this mill town you grew up in? Wow there's me told, i thought muslims were worldwide.

You do realise you ARE muslim bashing?

She did know it wasn’t a legal marriage.

If its the one im thinking of, the one where they got married in a restaurant the court of appeal ruled against her

Really? Id perhaps advise them to lower their gaze from that which does not concern them.

Solid point. I think I might be partially to blame for the cultural tension because I confess I worry about accidentally offending because I often don’t know what we have in common. But perhaps I should be a little bit more direct like you have suggested. I remember going to the beach in a one piece swimsuit and these same women were staring me down. Funny the men were seemingly completely unphased (perhaps they were trying to be modest?) it was the women that were ogling!

I think the men are good people but bad at conversations! And maybe a little misguided. But I like to think their heart is in the right place.

Think this is the kind of back and forth OP was hoping to bring today.

No, you're not married.

A U.K. marriage takes a lot longer to divorce and you have rights such as rights to pension, potentially spousal maintenance (rare), housing division, maintenance orders. There’s lots of protection given by a legal marriage. If you had got married legally too (I’ve been to a few register office weddings for family and friends who had a legal ceremony aswell as traditional) then the legal divorce would take a lot longer. But no, you can’t force someone to stay married. Why would you want to make someone stay with you as they legally have to? Apart from societal pressure I see no point having a husband or wife who doesn’t want to be with you

It's time to learn more about the different types of islamic divorces, OP. You need to make sure it's not a talaq - you need a faskh (divorce with cause). You need to prove that your husband has not fulfilled the rights under the nikah contract, e.g. he has cheated, and doesn't support you and your children. With a faskh you should get your mahr as well as ongoing financial support. It also puts the blame firmly on him, not you.

Also, pick an imam/mufti/solicitor who is on your side, not your husband's.

No form of marriage should be made difficult to leave, for any person. That's a horrible thought.

I'm sorry you're going through this but sounds like you need to get your ducks in a row rather than focus on how to stop him leaving you. He WILL leave you.

All divorces are talaq, that's what the word means. You re talking about a "bare talaq".
OP can't make sure of any of those things. Sounds like he has already divorced her. She's fucked.

As I’ve learnt from pp I was never married so not really divorced either. “She’s fucked” you must be one of the misogynist people who think a woman is nothing without a man in her life

Bare talaq or whatever terms people keep coming out with, doesn’t really mean shit in this country. If I did a Nikkah in a Muslim country that would be different. Here it don’t mean shit. So technically I just got dumped by my boyfriend, not “divorced” by my “husband”. But yeah you carry on with the “she’s fucked” mentality. It’s Muslims with your attitude that are part of the problem

In the eyes of Allah you were married, it's just that the laws of the UK don't offer you any protection because you didn't have the part that UK recognises.
But as many others have said you can still claim maintenance off him for your children, make sure you keep their birth certificates and passports with you. Come Monday you need to start getting things sorted, he will probably assume you are going to hang around waiting for him as that's what has previously. Don't delay,not this time.

That's not very fair, OP - after all it's hardly the PP's fault that you yourself have chosen a misogynistic set-up within a culture where womens' rights aren't always prioritised, and many are understandably struggling to understand your wish to stay with a man like this

I say culture rather than religion, because a true muslim man would treasure his wife as the religion and all basic decency requires ... it's just unfortunate that your "D"H isn't one of them

A muslim womens' support agency - such as those suggested - would understand both the religion and the culture though, but you've not said whether you'd be prepared to approach one of them?

I'm a feminist who thinks no woman needs a man in her life.

You're a woman who has no idea whether she was or is married or not, doesn't understand her own religion, and who puts up with a massive cheating loser rather thane be alone....so who's the misogynist here?

You were married, religiously. Islamically you were married (you may or may not be, you should find out). Your religion and culture would consider you married, not boyfriend/girlfriend. Legally in the UK you were never married, and don't need a legal divorce.

BTW, if you did a nikkah in most muslim countries these days, you still wouldn't be legally married unless your registered it with the civil authorities. And bare talaq is illegal in most of them too.

Don't lash out at others because you don't know the most basic details of your own life.

So how am I “fucked” by my him leaving? I am taking good care of my kids, I already said I work and have universal credit. I already said I’m continuing to pay my rent. It is my preference to want him back, not that I NEED him back

You need to look at the context people say things. Like, actually read the posts befode mouthing off?

It's your preference to have back a lazy, abusive cheat who does nothing for you or your kids and who will divorce you on a whim? You should get counselling, that's really fucked up. Do better for your children, if nothing else.

Yeah you’re right sorry didn’t mean to be rude just stressed out about this whole situation. I am seeking help through my gp and contacting some of the agencies people have offered

I thought he was leaving you?

Regardless don't take the post so personally. Any legally unmarried woman with children is "fucked" when their other half walks out because usually the main family income leaves at the same Time. It also means the woman is not protected legally when it comes to any shared assets because legally, they're not shared.

You know this is what the poster meant, Im sure. People are actually trying to help you on this thread

That's good, Good luck op